Is any woman impossible to abuse?

[Sushi4Dins]

Just that really. Do you think there are women who just have zero tolerance for crappy behaviour, end things at the very first red flag and just will never find themselves in abusive relationships?

If so, what characteristics do you think these women have that make them able to do this?

[Rebel2]

I've never been in one but I've also been single a long time
I know the kind of relationship I want and have ended things for what seemed like small reasons but I'm very much "is this adding to my life or not?"
If not then would rather be single

[goinggoinggoneagain]

The key thing with abuse is that most abusers don't show their true colours on the first date. If they did, I imagine most women would walk away. There's often love bombing at first and by the time the abuse starts (whether it's emotional/physical etc), the woman (or man...men are abused too) are emotionally invested or they've been isolated/become dependent and it's much, much harder to just walk away.

[Sushi4Dins]

@goinggoinggoneagain

The key thing with abuse is that most abusers don't show their true colours on the first date. If they did, I imagine most women would walk away. There's often love bombing at first and by the time the abuse starts (whether it's emotional/physical etc), the woman (or man...men are abused too) are emotionally invested or they've been isolated/become dependent and it's much, much harder to just walk away.

There are often (not always), signs, though. Signs that many of us ignore. Love bombing is a red flag, for example. The series of actions that can cause us to become isolated are often signs. I’m wondering if there are women who just nope the eff out at the very first sign.

And, yes, men can be abused, but this post is about women.

[Sushi4Dins]

@Rebel2

I've never been in one but I've also been single a long time
I know the kind of relationship I want and have ended things for what seemed like small reasons but I'm very much "is this adding to my life or not?"
If not then would rather be single

Yes, I think you’re the sort of woman I mean. May I ask how old you are? And have you always been of this mindset? How did you get there?

[TomHanksIsFuckingAmazing]

Yes, me:

1. I have no desire for children
2. I have a very short temper
3. I genuinely love my own company
4. I don't have a high sex drive
5. I find it extremely difficult to trust people in the first place
6. I am (touch wood) financially independent

[Nimbostratus100]

well, I don't think there is a single person impossible to abuse. And it might not be within a romantic relationship, it can be from friends, parents, siblings, employers, and getting trapped in an abusive relationship can happen to anyone who has human interactions.

I am asexual, and never have relationships, however, I have been trapped in an abusive relationship with an employer more than once

[Rebel2]

@Sushi4Dins 38 and always like this. My friends usually say I'm stubborn and resilient

I don't know... one relationship he drank what I thought was quite a bit, he wasn't abusive with it so we had a conversation. He said yeah he had been, he was cutting down and would swap from wine to lager. I was fed up of being the driver all the time too. When cutting down meant going from 2 bottles of wine to 8 cans I realised that he was still choosing alcohol over me

A very recent one was I dated for 10 months and found out he wasn't single. I had absolutely no idea, and neither did my friends or dad who had all met him. I messaged him telling him I knew, blocked him and gave it 48hrs for him to shit himself, then messaged his girlfriend because I would want to know, and the more women stay quiet about this stuff the more men get away with it

People seem to feel sorry for me because I'm single with no children but it's because I haven't met a man who I would want to have children with, or anyone that brings something to my life or wants to be a great partner with me. Yes it would be nice to have someone to "do life" with but am perfectly capable on my own. If I need DIY that I can't do, I pay someone. If I need sex, I have a guy for that

[Rebel2]

@TomHanksIsFuckingAmazing

Yes, me:

1. I have no desire for children
2. I have a very short temper
3. I genuinely love my own company
4. I don't have a high sex drive
5. I find it extremely difficult to trust people in the first place
6. I am (touch wood) financially independent

All of that ^^

It does mean if I trust someone and they break it then it's done, because it took time and effort for me to trust them and they dare break it? No. Bye

[Partyandbullshit]

Me.

Self-esteem, self-respect, financial independence, family support.

Sorry you’re having to ask this question.

[mastercheff]

I kinda get what you’re saying but it kinda feels like your putting it on the woman to stop the abuse??
Like I think every woman would like to think they wouldn’t put up with it but until it’s happening do you really know? Abusers will almost always find a way

[Jadviga]

I might be one such person ?
I've had a few (short-lived) relationships but tend to end them the moment they become more work than is worth it to me. I couldn't be arsed with someone who didn't do their share of chores, let alone an abuser.
I am happy with my own company and have a low sex drive, I am financially independant, I had kids through sperm donation, so I can afford to be extremely choosy when it comes to life partners. So far I've decided not to bother as I really can't see the added value of a relationship. I guess that means I haven't met the right person - but I'm not bothered if I never do. Am mid thirties with two DC whom I raise on my own - and yes it's a lot of work but I' d rather do it on my own, than do it on my own AND have to take care of a useless partner's laundry, meals and moods (which is what a lot of women deal with when they're in a relationship !)

However most people want/need a partner, and most people are therefore willing to put more work into the relationship/compromise/ignore red flags.

I think compromise is necessary for a relationship to work but it's also the weak point through which abuse tends to creep. So the sort of people you have in mind are probably people like me who don't particularly need or want a relationship, and thereby are less willing to make efforts/compromises.

In short, people who "can't" be abused will generally, by the nature of their protections, be also single !

PS - just to be clear, I do not contend that women are responsible of their abuse. It's the abuser who is taking advantage of their partner's willingness to commit sincerely to a relationship.

[DontGetEvenGetEverything]

I think most people underestimate how clever, careful and manipulative abusive males are.
But, having said that, I think they choose their victims. No abuser stumbles into a relationship and then, oh no, I just can't help abusing my partner. They choose victims who lack emotional, social and financial resources. Same with sexual abusers, targeting kids (including their own) who don't have a trusting relationship with any adult.
So, I'd suggest, it's not that un-abusable women spot the red flags. It's that abusive men are smart enough to only do what they can get away with.

[Pinkbonbon]

Women who stay single.

Also women who don't have or want kids. Because if you have kids with any man, you are tied to them for life...even if you get rid of them, you're still going to have to be around them on the odd occasion. And if they're bastards, you can grey rock all you like,but they'll still get to you from time to time.

Of course- abuse can still come from other sources - workplace, family ect...so unless you're a single, childfree hermit...

[EmmaEmerald]

Yes
not immune to workplace bullies but that's where money comes from, so...🤷🏻‍♀️

[OriginalUsername2]

I have become this person but it took a lot of experience, reading and understanding.

When I was in an abusive relationship all my friends’s partners were crappy too, plus I had always been treated like crap by my own family. It was nothing new, just how people were.

Once I told my mum that my partner had got angry with our baby for waking up and practically slammed him into the cot, shouting at him to “go to fucking sleep”. She said “yeah, men get like that.”

I was literally told on a forum in capital letters. YOU ARE IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP. GET OUT. But this lady was American. I just thought Americans must take this stuff more seriously over there. If I had said to anyone I knew that I was in an abusive relationship at the time they would have rolled their eyes. Emotional abuse wasn’t a thing any of us recognised. I had no bruises.

It still took me years to leave. The relationship was 3 - 6 weeks of things being great, then a really, really shitty few weeks where I would feel absolutely gutted and miss the nice version of him. I would be abused emotionally and be so upset I would ask him for a cuddle, needing comfort from the “good version” of him. He would give me a stiff hold with a cold demeanour.

Soom enough the “good version” of my partner would be back and I would be so relieved and happy. I would try to be the best girlfriend possible to prevent the bad times.

It took years to figure out what was happening, lots and lots of reading about psychology, relationships, types of abuse.

And even then - how do you break up with someone who’s family have been your family for years. How do you make a man leave his home and his children when he’s being the “good version”?

It was messy and heartbreaking and I lost a family. And that’s just the first few months. Co-parenting with a man like this is a whole second abusive relationship.

[spelunky]

@Sushi4Dins

There are often (not always), signs, though. Signs that many of us ignore. Love bombing is a red flag, for example. The series of actions that can cause us to become isolated are often signs. I’m wondering if there are women who just nope the eff out at the very first sign.

And, yes, men can be abused, but this post is about women.

Nobody is immune to abuse. It is complex and subtle and also, not always intentional or calculated.

I know this won't have been intentional, but OP, have you thought about the impact this thread could have on people reading it who have been victims of abuse?

I'm concerned that this thread might make some people think they could/ should have taken some kind of action to prevent their abuse from happing and be inadvertently victim blaming.

I'm sure it was entirely unintentional but OP , you might want to think about pulling the thread?

Anyone reading this who has suffered abuse - please know it was not your fault and there is nothing you could have done.

[ladycarlotta]

I couldn't be arsed with someone who didn't do their share of chores, let alone an abuser.

This is such a misunderstanding of how abusive relationships happen. It's not like some burly thug marches into your life one fine day and starts whacking you, and if you're weak and desperate you just roll over and take it. They honestly come over as really decent, on-the-level people who 'get' you. It might not turn nasty for years and years. And as @OriginalUsername2 says, the 'good' version of them comes back often, and their reappearance makes it really hard to end the relationship.

I don't believe that anyone is completely safe from ending up in an abusive relationship. In fact I'd be extra worried about the people who think that it would never happen to them. It's easy from the outside to reel off the list of red flags we've been educated about - love bombing, isolating you from friends etc - but much much harder to recognise and acknowledge those things happening once you are in love and perhaps invested in other ways too.

[GarlicGrace]

I found the Shark Cage metaphor really useful while I was learning. Women who have a good 'shark cage' - they know their worth, have strong boundaries, and don't need a relationship - just never get past that first dodgy interaction.

[MissTrip82]

I don’t think anyone is immune to being the victim of a serious crime, no.

[Brokendaughter]

No.

There are women (& men) who are far less likely to be abused, but all humans are vulnerable to abuse in the right circumstances.

Some abusers are better than others at creating the right circumstances.

[DivorcingEU]

Nobody is immune. Thinking you're immune is actually a weak point too.

Laura Richards repeats again and again that "abuse is idiosyncratic" and "abusers tailor their abuse". There are abusers who are less sophisticated who are more easily spotted. But they come in all forms.

Psychopathic and extreme narcs also get to know you very, very well and mirror out what it is you project as wanting in a relationship. I think during that phase, they are also putting out feelers for whether you're going to be able to provide what they need. Yes, if you're too much effort they won't want you, BUT you'll not be too much effort for every single one of them. All it takes is for you to be worth the effort to that one and for that one to be good enough at projecting back what you want - and how you want to be seen through your partner's eyes. If you like to think you're strong and independent, a sophisticated one won't love bomb you by paying for dinner every time and buying you lots of gifts - minor examples, but they get through the back door not necessarily because it's open, but because they can fit through cracks.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

No one is immune. Thinking you are is trying to pretend you have complete control, and no one does. It also throws women under the bus because it puts the onus on them.

Every woman would be impossible to abuse if the world was free of abusers.

[Aussiegirl123456]

I’ve never been abused and have been married for just over 18yrs. I married a good guy. I was lucky. Not a single red flag. He’s just a good man and a great role model for our children.

I think it is frightening that abusers do not show their true colours until later stages of relationships. But it is never the woman’s fault she’s being abused. She could be the strongest person in the world but still suffer abuse. That’s what makes it so scary.

[Prettybutdumb]

I grew up as the youngest of many sisters - and I mean many. They were a tribe - always out clubbing as pack and I remember everyone on a large bed, chatting for hours and dissecting guys’ behaviour and advising each other to never ever take shit. They laughed at men, ghosted them at displaying the slightest red flag. I witnessed everything quietly, they only realised I was there listening to their sex stories and giggles only too late. They were a large group themselves, but also had a bunch of amazing friends and a guy would have to be pretty spectacular for them to want to spend time on dates, so outside the pack.

I ended up with a similar mindset: a guy would have to be pretty amazing for me to waste time on. I dumped or ghosted guys for reasons others might not - small lie, asking if they could borrow money, saying they’re going to a strip club with their boss for the Christmas party, losing their job for stupid behaviour, etc etc. I’ve always been financially independent and love my own company and being single, so I’ve never been afraid to leave if anything seemed off.

[Oblomov23]

What are you asking. Any woman could be raped, because we are the weaker sex Unfortunately.

But no, I've never been in an abusive relationship. I spot red flags, won't engage, will finish things.

I still disagree with Gone's point. I don't get what she is saying. Even if you were emotionally invested, I go there was suddenly abuse, surely you'd still walk away. I don't get his it's harder to walk away.