Just that really. Do you think there are women who just have zero tolerance for crappy behaviour, end things at the very first red flag and just will never find themselves in abusive relationships?
If so, what characteristics do you think these women have that make them able to do this?
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Is any woman impossible to abuse?
Sushi4Dins · 16/03/2023 00:25
Tessisme · 16/03/2023 07:17
How do you know though? How can you really know this information for certain? Abuse is usually covert. There can be a great deal of shame on the part of the abused, even though they have done nothing to be ashamed of. So they keep their problems hidden. Or they are unknowingly caught up in an abusive relationship where subtle power play undermines their sense of what is normal and healthy. All while appearing fully functional to the outside world and sometimes even to themselves.
MsWhitworth · 16/03/2023 07:05
I’m always surprised when reading posts on here how many contain a reference to a current or past abusive relationship. With one exception, I don’t know anyone amongst my family and friends who has been in an abusive relationship. There are loads of people who have never experienced it.
aurynne · 16/03/2023 07:40
What a bizarre comment... do you apply the same reasoning with flatmates?
OhMerde · 16/03/2023 07:24
OK, so you allowed him to move in with you after 3 months. Net result is the same. The relevance is that you were living with a guy you'd only known for 3 months. This is really unwise and shows a lack of judgement and boundaries on your behalf.
aurynne · 16/03/2023 07:14
I didn't move in with him, I moved to a different country and he decided to join me, so we got a rental together. He had left his job to join me so it was the fair thing to do at the time, with the understanding he'd look for a job.
Still, what is the relevance even if I had moved in with him? I left when he showed signs of disrespect.
OhMerde · 16/03/2023 07:11
Yet you moved in with him within 3 months.
aurynne · 16/03/2023 05:35
No one is "impossible" to abuse, man or woman, but there are many who do have good boundaries and know the bar they won't let anyone cross.
I am one of those. But I have also been incredibly fortunate in life, I have had choices and options. As a result I have an education, 2 careers, financial independence, I am also fit and healthy, which means I don't need anyone to care for me or support me physically. And I'm very confident, with a high self-esteem.
The closest I got to what could have developed into an abusive relationship was with a British guy. He was the ideal boyfriend for 3 months and then started changing. He became moody, huffy, seemed to resent my happiness. One day he exploded and called me a fucking cunt. I took my bags and left 2 days later, which is the time it took me to find another rental, as he refused to leave the one we were living in and I was paying in full, because he had been "looking for a job" (one often red flags, that job didn't materialise). He cried, and begged and swore he would "change", but he had crossed a line. He threatened suicide. I sent an ambulance and the police to him and told him that, next time he had those thoughts, to keep them to himself because I didn't want to know. Surprise surprise, as far as I know he's still alive. His games simply wouldn't work in someone with good boundaries.
Shesinthegym · 16/03/2023 08:08
I’m a specialist domestic abuse professional. Train other professionals. Do research. Work directly with people. Run services etc and even with all that knowledge and experience, I and all my colleagues are not immune to abuse. The answer is no. Those who say otherwise do not understand the true complex and insidious nature of abuse. It’s great so many women have these boundaries are strong etc it’s great to hear but it’s not a reflection on victims and it comes from a place of misunderstanding.
Cheeseandhoney · 16/03/2023 08:11
This is a shocking post. Utterly shocking and I’d ask it to be deleted. You should be ashamed. No one said it was a reflection on the woman but only you indicated it,
I sincerely hope you do not work with abused women. How utterly horrific. Words count. Get it deleted and move on.
Shesinthegym · 16/03/2023 08:08
I’m a specialist domestic abuse professional. Train other professionals. Do research. Work directly with people. Run services etc and even with all that knowledge and experience, I and all my colleagues are not immune to abuse. The answer is no. Those who say otherwise do not understand the true complex and insidious nature of abuse. It’s great so many women have these boundaries are strong etc it’s great to hear but it’s not a reflection on victims and it comes from a place of misunderstanding.
OhMerde · 16/03/2023 08:00
Flatmates are in no way comparable to moving in with a man after 3 months. He's barely even a boyfriend at this point.
aurynne · 16/03/2023 07:40
What a bizarre comment... do you apply the same reasoning with flatmates?
OhMerde · 16/03/2023 07:24
OK, so you allowed him to move in with you after 3 months. Net result is the same. The relevance is that you were living with a guy you'd only known for 3 months. This is really unwise and shows a lack of judgement and boundaries on your behalf.
aurynne · 16/03/2023 07:14
I didn't move in with him, I moved to a different country and he decided to join me, so we got a rental together. He had left his job to join me so it was the fair thing to do at the time, with the understanding he'd look for a job.
Still, what is the relevance even if I had moved in with him? I left when he showed signs of disrespect.
OhMerde · 16/03/2023 07:11
Yet you moved in with him within 3 months.
aurynne · 16/03/2023 05:35
No one is "impossible" to abuse, man or woman, but there are many who do have good boundaries and know the bar they won't let anyone cross.
I am one of those. But I have also been incredibly fortunate in life, I have had choices and options. As a result I have an education, 2 careers, financial independence, I am also fit and healthy, which means I don't need anyone to care for me or support me physically. And I'm very confident, with a high self-esteem.
The closest I got to what could have developed into an abusive relationship was with a British guy. He was the ideal boyfriend for 3 months and then started changing. He became moody, huffy, seemed to resent my happiness. One day he exploded and called me a fucking cunt. I took my bags and left 2 days later, which is the time it took me to find another rental, as he refused to leave the one we were living in and I was paying in full, because he had been "looking for a job" (one often red flags, that job didn't materialise). He cried, and begged and swore he would "change", but he had crossed a line. He threatened suicide. I sent an ambulance and the police to him and told him that, next time he had those thoughts, to keep them to himself because I didn't want to know. Surprise surprise, as far as I know he's still alive. His games simply wouldn't work in someone with good boundaries.
spelunky · 16/03/2023 03:03
Nobody is immune to abuse. It is complex and subtle and also, not always intentional or calculated.
I know this won't have been intentional, but OP, have you thought about the impact this thread could have on people reading it who have been victims of abuse?
I'm concerned that this thread might make some people think they could/ should have taken some kind of action to prevent their abuse from happing and be inadvertently victim blaming.
I'm sure it was entirely unintentional but OP , you might want to think about pulling the thread?
Anyone reading this who has suffered abuse - please know it was not your fault and there is nothing you could have done.
Sushi4Dins · 16/03/2023 00:58
There are often (not always), signs, though. Signs that many of us ignore. Love bombing is a red flag, for example. The series of actions that can cause us to become isolated are often signs. I’m wondering if there are women who just nope the eff out at the very first sign.
And, yes, men can be abused, but this post is about women.
goinggoinggoneagain · 16/03/2023 00:40
The key thing with abuse is that most abusers don't show their true colours on the first date. If they did, I imagine most women would walk away. There's often love bombing at first and by the time the abuse starts (whether it's emotional/physical etc), the woman (or man...men are abused too) are emotionally invested or they've been isolated/become dependent and it's much, much harder to just walk away.
Brefugee · 16/03/2023 08:32
I don't know about "impossible to abuse" but i would say "highly unlikely to be abused for a 2nd time"
I've never been abused - i had one bf who tried belittling me about the size of my breasts when we were out in a large group so i ended it on the spot and told him and his mates to learn to treat their gf better. It was in the early hours of the morning in a big city and i was a bit tipsy, but i got a cab home and that was that. I do know that some of the gf there just carried on in their abusive relationships (some physical) for fear of, who knows?
I do give off a "don't mess with me vibe" though.
Cheeseandhoney · 16/03/2023 08:11
This is a shocking post. Utterly shocking and I’d ask it to be deleted. You should be ashamed. No one said it was a reflection on the woman but only you indicated it,
I sincerely hope you do not work with abused women. How utterly horrific. Words count. Get it deleted and move on.
Shesinthegym · 16/03/2023 08:08
I’m a specialist domestic abuse professional. Train other professionals. Do research. Work directly with people. Run services etc and even with all that knowledge and experience, I and all my colleagues are not immune to abuse. The answer is no. Those who say otherwise do not understand the true complex and insidious nature of abuse. It’s great so many women have these boundaries are strong etc it’s great to hear but it’s not a reflection on victims and it comes from a place of misunderstanding.
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