Is any woman impossible to abuse?

[Sushi4Dins]

Just that really. Do you think there are women who just have zero tolerance for crappy behaviour, end things at the very first red flag and just will never find themselves in abusive relationships?

If so, what characteristics do you think these women have that make them able to do this?

[Thisisworsethananticpated]

Why don't you tell us women about your abuse-dodging hacks? I'd love to know where we've been going wrong

ah it’s not that 😊

it just takes a long time to learn and heal
I’m getting my head around this now and I’m nearly bloody 50 !

and I managed a year long disaster relationship (not abusive but far from ideal ) after a 22 year old LT shit show
well done me ! Red flags 🚩 but different ones
but still managed to end up being his mummy carer fuck buddy

im now single and I certainly DONT blame myself
but as I embark on dating again there’s a lot for me to tend to

[BluebellBlueballs]

@Tessisme

How do you know though? How can you really know this information for certain? Abuse is usually covert. There can be a great deal of shame on the part of the abused, even though they have done nothing to be ashamed of. So they keep their problems hidden. Or they are unknowingly caught up in an abusive relationship where subtle power play undermines their sense of what is normal and healthy. All while appearing fully functional to the outside world and sometimes even to themselves.

Only about 2 people know about my narc EA experience. Its not something I generally talk about and the experience whilst intense was relatively short lived thankfully.

Before this I was in the 'why don't you just leave' camp. It certainly opened my eyes.

[OhMerde]

@aurynne

What a bizarre comment... do you apply the same reasoning with flatmates?

Flatmates are in no way comparable to moving in with a man after 3 months. He's barely even a boyfriend at this point.

[Bearpawk]

Sorry if this offends anyone but I think I'd be quite hard to abuse. I have pretty high expectations of men and have ended a few relationships because of red flags (jealousy, raised voices)
I have high self esteem, possibly a bit of an ego and I'm financially and emotionally stable, don't want kids so can't be trapped in that sense. Have the back up of family if I ever needed it.
I know women are the 'weaker' sex but I'm also not dainty and physically fairly strong - I was attacked when I was younger in the street and fought him successfully. Obviously there's always somebody bigger and stronger than you but I don't feel any more vulnerable than the average sized man for example.

I understand that abuse is not the victims fault at all but I also think abusers pick their victims carefully and surely some women aren't susceptible to abuse.

[Cheeseandhoney]

I’m also very sad you need to ask this. Millions and millions of women is the answer. It’s actually the minority who are abused or open to it. Still a shit lot of women but not the majority

because most men are not abusers and most women wouldn’t stay with someone who is. Abusers pick out those who have low self esteem. Poor boundaries, and many other issues.

in reality the abused and the abuser are a perfect storm.

[Shesinthegym]

I’m a specialist domestic abuse professional. Train other professionals. Do research. Work directly with people. Run services etc and even with all that knowledge and experience, I and all my colleagues are not immune to abuse. The answer is no. Those who say otherwise do not understand the true complex and insidious nature of abuse. It’s great so many women have these boundaries are strong etc it’s great to hear but it’s not a reflection on victims and it comes from a place of misunderstanding.

[PhoenixAuntie]

Me

I had zero desire to have children and was concentrating on my career, I also had two long term relationships only and when single was fine being single. I was financially solvent from a very young age due to a very well paid job when young and some shrewd investing.

I am someone who has no problem putting myself first, I have been told my singular sort of attitude is similar to being a man, selfish really.

[PhoenixAuntie]

I think women overall are really nice, nicer than intolerant and quite selfish me.

[CountZacular]

I think there’s a lot of misunderstanding about abuse here. Generally it’s not a case of being hit or overtly insulted in the first instance. It’s him coming home after a tough day and getting angry at the mess and because you love and care for him, you feel responsible for being better for him. And he’ll apologise - it was a rough day, he didn’t mean it, etc etc, until something else happens again. Essentially abuse happens by very slowly breaking down your barriers without you necessarily even noticing.

Some people may have stronger boundaries and be harder to crack but anyone can be a victim of abuse. I think it’s helpful to understand the signs and build your own self worth (and resources) to find it easier to get away but it doesn’t make anyone immune.

[Cheeseandhoney]

@Shesinthegym

I’m a specialist domestic abuse professional. Train other professionals. Do research. Work directly with people. Run services etc and even with all that knowledge and experience, I and all my colleagues are not immune to abuse. The answer is no. Those who say otherwise do not understand the true complex and insidious nature of abuse. It’s great so many women have these boundaries are strong etc it’s great to hear but it’s not a reflection on victims and it comes from a place of misunderstanding.

This is a shocking post. Utterly shocking and I’d ask it to be deleted. You should be ashamed. No one said it was a reflection on the woman but only you indicated it,

I sincerely hope you do not work with abused women. How utterly horrific. Words count. Get it deleted and move on.

[Shesinthegym]

What are you talking about @Cheeseandhoney
my post says no one is impossible to abuse and abuse is not a reflection of the victims strength and character! Do you disagree

[CountZacular]

@Cheeseandhoney

This is a shocking post. Utterly shocking and I’d ask it to be deleted. You should be ashamed. No one said it was a reflection on the woman but only you indicated it,

I sincerely hope you do not work with abused women. How utterly horrific. Words count. Get it deleted and move on.

I don’t understand what you think she’s said that’s shocking? She’s right and actually this reminds people the blame lays firmly with the abuser, not the victim.

[Crumpledstilstkin]

We're all vulnerable to abuse sometimes, just has to happen at that vulnerable time. Especially if you include things like workplace abuse and abuse from neighbours where you can't just leave without major negative impacts or worse abuse from people like carers.

[Thighlengthboots]

Yes, absolutely. Abusers typically target women who are empathic and emotional thinkers (which are kind. lovely traits). High emotional thinking rather than logical thinking is what causes women to get into abusive relationships. I am NOT victim blaming here because we all think emotionally to a degree but if you relate to others based purely on your emotions such as love, forgiveness, kindness etc then you will excuse or forgive many behaviours and you will find ways to justify them- due to cognitive dissonance. Abusers can sniff out vulnerability in a woman like a tracker dog and they will target those women. Look at how many women fall for online scammers and they will say things like "but he made me feel so good- I thought I loved him" etc- its their emotional thinking that overrides their logic which might be that small voice in the background asking why a complete stranger you've never met would want to marry you after 3 weeks etc.

Again, this isnt victim blaming because these women are loving, giving, kind and generous but unfortunately you have to look at any new relationships through the lens of cold, hard, analytical logic if you want to avoid abusers which is really quite sad and is something all of us forget at times.

[Obstackle]

Women who are happily single, think sex is overrated, and don't want kids.

[aurynne]

@OhMerde

Flatmates are in no way comparable to moving in with a man after 3 months. He's barely even a boyfriend at this point.

Your opinion of the right time to move in with a man is:

a) irrelevant in any other woman's life that is not yourself, and
b) irrelevant to the question of whether or not some women are "impossible to abuse", which was what was asked initially. My answer, I remind you, was that no one was impossible to abuse, but some people were harder to abuse than others. And then I went on to explain I had never been in an abusive relationship.

I never intended for anyone (i.e. you) to take that as permission to judge how early I moved in with anyone, as it's none of your business.

But if making these kinds of comments helps you alleviate some kind of discomfort you feel when other women explain that they were, gladly, never abused in a relationship and managed to get out before incipient abuse could develop, then by all means be my guest.

[Almostwelsh]

No-one is impossible to abuse. It is a lot more difficult to abuse someone with a strong supportive family though which is why abusers try to isolate their victims from family or choose people who have very little family or a difficult family background.

[Brefugee]

I don't know about "impossible to abuse" but i would say "highly unlikely to be abused for a 2nd time"

I've never been abused - i had one bf who tried belittling me about the size of my breasts when we were out in a large group so i ended it on the spot and told him and his mates to learn to treat their gf better. It was in the early hours of the morning in a big city and i was a bit tipsy, but i got a cab home and that was that. I do know that some of the gf there just carried on in their abusive relationships (some physical) for fear of, who knows?

I do give off a "don't mess with me vibe" though.

[foxandbee]

@spelunky

Nobody is immune to abuse. It is complex and subtle and also, not always intentional or calculated.

I know this won't have been intentional, but OP, have you thought about the impact this thread could have on people reading it who have been victims of abuse?

I'm concerned that this thread might make some people think they could/ should have taken some kind of action to prevent their abuse from happing and be inadvertently victim blaming.

I'm sure it was entirely unintentional but OP , you might want to think about pulling the thread?

Anyone reading this who has suffered abuse - please know it was not your fault and there is nothing you could have done.

Agree with this.

[aurynne]

@Brefugee

I don't know about "impossible to abuse" but i would say "highly unlikely to be abused for a 2nd time"

I've never been abused - i had one bf who tried belittling me about the size of my breasts when we were out in a large group so i ended it on the spot and told him and his mates to learn to treat their gf better. It was in the early hours of the morning in a big city and i was a bit tipsy, but i got a cab home and that was that. I do know that some of the gf there just carried on in their abusive relationships (some physical) for fear of, who knows?

I do give off a "don't mess with me vibe" though.

Same here, I just cannot imagine a situation in which a man (or a woman) would get away with disrespecting me more than once, and me choosing to continue an emotional relationship with that person. Even if I was deeply in love with them, I have chosen in the past to suffer the heartbreak to the alternative of staying with a person with whom trust has been broken. And it has obviously served me well.

I think one issue in this thread is that some posters appear to mistake "abuse" with "assault" or "being insulted". If a guy in the street approaches me and punches me in the face he is not "abusing me"... he has assaulted me. A person who calls me a cunt in the street has insulted me. "Abuse" is a continuous process. So yes, in my case a boyfriend once insulted me after some minor issues that had already set me on guard, and that was the last time he had the chance to do it. I have no idea how I would react if a boyfriend/partner actually hit me, but knowing myself I think I would very likely hit him back harder, before he either sent me to hospital or I called the police, because I have never before in my life, even as a child, let anyone unwantedly touch me without retaliation. And yes, this includes punching an unknown man in the face when he grabbed my bum in a bus (I ran away before he could react, but man, that punch felt great). I have strong - and not necessarily always wise - reactions to anyone touching my body without permission.

[plumfy]

Cheeseandhoney - please come back and explain your post

[BluebellBlueballs]

@Cheeseandhoney

This is a shocking post. Utterly shocking and I’d ask it to be deleted. You should be ashamed. No one said it was a reflection on the woman but only you indicated it,

I sincerely hope you do not work with abused women. How utterly horrific. Words count. Get it deleted and move on.

Oh please do wind your neck in

Its not a shocking post at all what are you, the thread police?

[MokaEfti]

I would run at the "love bombing" stage. I'm not overly romantic and love my own space.

[Brefugee]

I have no idea how I would react if a boyfriend/partner actually hit me, but knowing myself I think I would very likely hit him back harder, before he either sent me to hospital or I called the police, because I have never before in my life, even as a child, let anyone unwantedly touch me without retaliation. And yes, this includes punching an unknown man in the face when he grabbed my bum in a bus

gosh @aurynne this sounds like me.

FWIW it is a personality thing, partly, and an upbringing thing, partly. Some people are not well equipped to spot abuse, and some are. Some people are not well equipped, some people will punch a man in a bar for grabbing their breasts (me).

People should not be ashamed of being in an abusive relationship and not realising it, or not knowing how to get out of it. What we, other women, must do is help our friends. Either help them recognise the situation they are in (not always welcome), support them to leave, point them to people who can help them, or just make them endless cups of tea while they cry on your shoulder. Any and all support is valid, and not all "support" is actually that, or appropriate in all circumstances.

But what we can all do is, hopefully, bring up our own children to be confident in themselves, and to realise when they are being abused and have the confidence to get out of it. Or at least the confidence to confide in us.

[stinkfaceison]

I think it also depends on the male relatives she has around her . A lot of these abusers are cowards . They won't risk a beating themselves.