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Relationships

Is any woman impossible to abuse?

244 replies

Sushi4Dins · 16/03/2023 00:25

Just that really. Do you think there are women who just have zero tolerance for crappy behaviour, end things at the very first red flag and just will never find themselves in abusive relationships?

If so, what characteristics do you think these women have that make them able to do this?

OP posts:
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Justwondering3 · 20/03/2023 15:08

I wonder how many commenters have actually ever crossed paths with a true narcissist?!

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2023a · 20/03/2023 15:10

Justwondering3 · 20/03/2023 15:08

I wonder how many commenters have actually ever crossed paths with a true narcissist?!

I’m guessing fewer than think they have. If we’re to go by MN, every unpleasant man or shitty partner is a narcissist, and - as there simply aren’t enough of them for that to be the case - it seems unlikely.

Why?

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Justwondering3 · 20/03/2023 15:21

Exactly if they ever met a “real” one they’d understand. Not just one that does something mean one time that crosses a boundary and you are able to walk. Cross path with a real one and you’ll be crawling on your hands and knees.

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Watchkeys · 20/03/2023 15:33

Justwondering3 · 20/03/2023 15:08

I wonder how many commenters have actually ever crossed paths with a true narcissist?!

That was the experience I had that taught me how to maintain my boundaries. Very painful, and, ultimately, very useful.

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2023a · 20/03/2023 15:38

Justwondering3 · 20/03/2023 15:21

Exactly if they ever met a “real” one they’d understand. Not just one that does something mean one time that crosses a boundary and you are able to walk. Cross path with a real one and you’ll be crawling on your hands and knees.

Possibly, but there aren’t a lot of ‘real’ narcissists and most of us will never meet one. So, it’s rather a moot point.

Most abusers are just nasty men who are fucked up in some way. If you bail as soon as they cross the first boundary, that’s that. So, we need to teach/support/empower women to bail as soon as the first boundary is crossed.

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Lostmarblesfinder · 20/03/2023 15:41

Watchkeys · 20/03/2023 15:33

That was the experience I had that taught me how to maintain my boundaries. Very painful, and, ultimately, very useful.

Yep this.

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Justwondering3 · 20/03/2023 17:53

yes me also, experience and age help a great deal. Once bitten twice shy. There is a reason that abuse happens to women mostly between the ages 18-24. I can only say after therapy and educating myself that I could see the early attempts at crossing my boundaries. Years had passed and children before anything really tangible happened. By then I was heavily invested. Proceeding relationship I have not invested so much.

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MadameSzyszkoBohusz · 21/03/2023 09:25

Justwondering3 · 20/03/2023 15:21

Exactly if they ever met a “real” one they’d understand. Not just one that does something mean one time that crosses a boundary and you are able to walk. Cross path with a real one and you’ll be crawling on your hands and knees.

Ugh. What a revolting, patronising comment. Why do you find it so hard to believe that there are women out there who've encountered abusive men and walked away from them? You almost sound like you want us to be abused to "teach us a lesson."

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Justwondering3 · 21/03/2023 09:46

@MadameSzyszkoBohusz because I’m answering a very generalised question and basing my answer on the fact people are perceiving themselves. I don’t know them, I don’t know which person walked away from which type of abuser. I’m simply stating my opinion is that anyone can be abused given the right set of circumstances. There will absolutely be people who have a particular set of circumstances and an abuser crosses their path and their particular method of abuse doesn’t work on in their particular circumstances. On another day there will be another person with another set of circumstances and that particular abusers method does work. I agree with the perfect storm. You might only cross a path once and be lucky to not have the perfect storm and walk away. Doesn’t mean you will to another storm but how would you know if it never happens. Everything is possible….only my opinion.

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Mirabai · 21/03/2023 10:03

Justwondering3 · 20/03/2023 15:21

Exactly if they ever met a “real” one they’d understand. Not just one that does something mean one time that crosses a boundary and you are able to walk. Cross path with a real one and you’ll be crawling on your hands and knees.

There is great confusion on MN between narcissism, NPD and abuse.

It’s interesting that you cannot conceive that some women could perceive narcissism or abuse for what it is and not get involved or walk away as soon as it comes to light.

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Justwondering3 · 21/03/2023 10:16

@Mirabai Perhaps it’s because I’ve been stung and have seen first hand the “devil” so to speak so my view is tainted. Or perhaps it’s just I believe deep down that the level of deception and manipulation in these people are beyond humanly perceivable. I’ll never know but I’m afraid no I can’t understand.

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altmember · 21/03/2023 14:04

I think it's impossible for someone (man or woman) to be fully open to a relationship without also exposing themselves to the risk of it becoming abusive. For someone to be impossible to abuse, they can't be open to a fully invested relationship as they'll always be on their guard and not able to trust implicitly. Hyper sensitive to any perceived red flag, and also unwilling or unable to ever compromise on anything.

Reality is that it's almost unheard of for a relationship to be abusive from the outset. It's usually something that creeps in later and escalates over time, when it's more difficult for the victim to see it for what it is.

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MarieRoseMarie · 21/03/2023 16:45

@altmember

Its really sad that you think this. Hyper sensitive to red flags and unwilling to compromise. Seriously, you guys have rock bottom standards for men. The idea that you have to ignore red flags to be in a relationship is ridiculous.

But I think this thread finally explains why so many women end up in crap relationships. It’s not because they have fantasy goggles on, but because they don’t. They expect abusers, accept abusers and get abuse.

And if you suggest that you don’t need to put up with abuse, they call you hyper sensitive and a liar.

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Justwondering3 · 21/03/2023 17:22

@altmember crap men and abusers are not the same. Would I walk from a man that hit me after a few dates, yeah. Would I walk from a man that took my money, controlled my money, forced sex on me, yeah I’d like to think so. Did I see a man coming who for years was loving and attentive, was positive about my career, we went on lovely holidays, did lovely things together, bought a lovely home, had a lovely baby. Did I see him slowly change, no, did I see me slowly change, no. Did I think one day a decade later I’d be looking in the mirror wishing I’d never wake up because something was wrong with me, no. There were no big red flags. I had a miscarriage before our baby, he was disgusted and mad but I never realised. He took that occasion to get in. After the birth of our baby he slowly chipped away at my ability to be a mummy. I was vulnerable and he knew it. They are so normal until they find a way to get in, a vulnerability. It’s disgusting to say that people expect to be abused. It’s reality to say that it’s possible.

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Justwondering3 · 21/03/2023 17:26

Sorry @altmember that was directed at @MarieRoseMarie post.

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Backstreets · 21/03/2023 17:40

Watchkeys · 20/03/2023 15:33

That was the experience I had that taught me how to maintain my boundaries. Very painful, and, ultimately, very useful.

This. I protect myself because of previous abuse.

And I'm single, so perhaps to a fault. Doesn't take much for me to cut my losses.

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Whythelying · 21/03/2023 23:12

I've been in an abusive relationship. I knew what it looked like, there seems to be an assumption you don't know what's happening is wrong, but I did. I didn't leave for a long time, because they push and pull you and create a need for attachment. My family and friends knew enough to say that I should leave but I still stayed. I've had amazing healthy relationships, and one absolutely awful one. Nobody is immune to abuse, my abuser preyed on my kind nature. There's a level of shame involved and a 'game' from the abuser. The posters on this thread who think they are 'above it' because ### are the reason people don't feel they can speak out when it does happen.

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Justwondering3 · 22/03/2023 09:37

I do think it might help to have parents who have a brilliant understanding and a relationship with them thats as tight as possible (and some tough members). If my daughter ever came to me with a hint of abuse against her I’d be there with as many other people to get her away and he would know not to do anything ever again. Maybe that would help, maybe not!

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PineConeOrDogPoo · 27/03/2023 22:19

PostItNotations · 16/03/2023 10:16

A sense that God provides, not human beings.

An ability to entertain and amuse oneself - not afraid of being alone.

An open mind to the future - being willing to explore new and unexpected avenues. It’s extraordinary the things that can happen that you didn’t imagine.

You have empathy, but not to an extreme degree.

You are ruled more by your mind rather then the heart - an analytical logical mindset. You think in terms of pros and cons and gains and losses…

…You prioritise your psychological well-being and health - you are willing to sacrifice other things for this.

You always keep an exit strategy, there are other resources open to you other than a career and money. State safety nets are there for a reason, use them.

You have a firm faith in your own perception and ability to draw conclusions - you consciously give yourself plenty of time and space to do this.

You do not mind roughing it a bit if you necessarily - you understand that human beings are at their core very adaptable and extremely resilient.

Sex, wealth, and status do not wield undue power over you - you understand there are more important and satisfying things. You make strong efforts to find out what those things are and taste them for yourself.

You understand that very little is foolproof and it’s possible for each person to “meet their master” sooner or later. You know that eventuality won’t break your spirit and you will find a way to rise above it.

Very well said

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