Is any woman impossible to abuse?

[Sushi4Dins]

Just that really. Do you think there are women who just have zero tolerance for crappy behaviour, end things at the very first red flag and just will never find themselves in abusive relationships?

If so, what characteristics do you think these women have that make them able to do this?

I wonder how many commenters have actually ever crossed paths with a true narcissist?!

I’m guessing fewer than think they have. If we’re to go by MN, every unpleasant man or shitty partner is a narcissist, and - as there simply aren’t enough of them for that to be the case - it seems unlikely.

Why?

Exactly if they ever met a “real” one they’d understand. Not just one that does something mean one time that crosses a boundary and you are able to walk. Cross path with a real one and you’ll be crawling on your hands and knees.

That was the experience I had that taught me how to maintain my boundaries. Very painful, and, ultimately, very useful.

Possibly, but there aren’t a lot of ‘real’ narcissists and most of us will never meet one. So, it’s rather a moot point.

Most abusers are just nasty men who are fucked up in some way. If you bail as soon as they cross the first boundary, that’s that. So, we need to teach/support/empower women to bail as soon as the first boundary is crossed.

Yep this.

yes me also, experience and age help a great deal. Once bitten twice shy. There is a reason that abuse happens to women mostly between the ages 18-24. I can only say after therapy and educating myself that I could see the early attempts at crossing my boundaries. Years had passed and children before anything really tangible happened. By then I was heavily invested. Proceeding relationship I have not invested so much.

Ugh. What a revolting, patronising comment. Why do you find it so hard to believe that there are women out there who've encountered abusive men and walked away from them? You almost sound like you want us to be abused to "teach us a lesson."

@MadameSzyszkoBohusz because I’m answering a very generalised question and basing my answer on the fact people are perceiving themselves. I don’t know them, I don’t know which person walked away from which type of abuser. I’m simply stating my opinion is that anyone can be abused given the right set of circumstances. There will absolutely be people who have a particular set of circumstances and an abuser crosses their path and their particular method of abuse doesn’t work on in their particular circumstances. On another day there will be another person with another set of circumstances and that particular abusers method does work. I agree with the perfect storm. You might only cross a path once and be lucky to not have the perfect storm and walk away. Doesn’t mean you will to another storm but how would you know if it never happens. Everything is possible….only my opinion.

There is great confusion on MN between narcissism, NPD and abuse.

It’s interesting that you cannot conceive that some women could perceive narcissism or abuse for what it is and not get involved or walk away as soon as it comes to light.

@Mirabai Perhaps it’s because I’ve been stung and have seen first hand the “devil” so to speak so my view is tainted. Or perhaps it’s just I believe deep down that the level of deception and manipulation in these people are beyond humanly perceivable. I’ll never know but I’m afraid no I can’t understand.

I think it's impossible for someone (man or woman) to be fully open to a relationship without also exposing themselves to the risk of it becoming abusive. For someone to be impossible to abuse, they can't be open to a fully invested relationship as they'll always be on their guard and not able to trust implicitly. Hyper sensitive to any perceived red flag, and also unwilling or unable to ever compromise on anything.

Reality is that it's almost unheard of for a relationship to be abusive from the outset. It's usually something that creeps in later and escalates over time, when it's more difficult for the victim to see it for what it is.

@altmember

Its really sad that you think this. Hyper sensitive to red flags and unwilling to compromise. Seriously, you guys have rock bottom standards for men. The idea that you have to ignore red flags to be in a relationship is ridiculous.

But I think this thread finally explains why so many women end up in crap relationships. It’s not because they have fantasy goggles on, but because they don’t. They expect abusers, accept abusers and get abuse.

And if you suggest that you don’t need to put up with abuse, they call you hyper sensitive and a liar.

@altmember crap men and abusers are not the same. Would I walk from a man that hit me after a few dates, yeah. Would I walk from a man that took my money, controlled my money, forced sex on me, yeah I’d like to think so. Did I see a man coming who for years was loving and attentive, was positive about my career, we went on lovely holidays, did lovely things together, bought a lovely home, had a lovely baby. Did I see him slowly change, no, did I see me slowly change, no. Did I think one day a decade later I’d be looking in the mirror wishing I’d never wake up because something was wrong with me, no. There were no big red flags. I had a miscarriage before our baby, he was disgusted and mad but I never realised. He took that occasion to get in. After the birth of our baby he slowly chipped away at my ability to be a mummy. I was vulnerable and he knew it. They are so normal until they find a way to get in, a vulnerability. It’s disgusting to say that people expect to be abused. It’s reality to say that it’s possible.

Sorry @altmember that was directed at @MarieRoseMarie post.

This. I protect myself because of previous abuse.

And I'm single, so perhaps to a fault. Doesn't take much for me to cut my losses.

I've been in an abusive relationship. I knew what it looked like, there seems to be an assumption you don't know what's happening is wrong, but I did. I didn't leave for a long time, because they push and pull you and create a need for attachment. My family and friends knew enough to say that I should leave but I still stayed. I've had amazing healthy relationships, and one absolutely awful one. Nobody is immune to abuse, my abuser preyed on my kind nature. There's a level of shame involved and a 'game' from the abuser. The posters on this thread who think they are 'above it' because ### are the reason people don't feel they can speak out when it does happen.

I do think it might help to have parents who have a brilliant understanding and a relationship with them thats as tight as possible (and some tough members). If my daughter ever came to me with a hint of abuse against her I’d be there with as many other people to get her away and he would know not to do anything ever again. Maybe that would help, maybe not!

Very well said