Is any woman impossible to abuse?

I didn't move in with him, I moved to a different country and he decided to join me, so we got a rental together. He had left his job to join me so it was the fair thing to do at the time, with the understanding he'd look for a job.

Still, what is the relevance even if I had moved in with him? I left when he showed signs of disrespect.

Me. Watched/experienced it growing up and vowed never again. Stuck to it.

How do you know though? How can you really know this information for certain? Abuse is usually covert. There can be a great deal of shame on the part of the abused, even though they have done nothing to be ashamed of. So they keep their problems hidden. Or they are unknowingly caught up in an abusive relationship where subtle power play undermines their sense of what is normal and healthy. All while appearing fully functional to the outside world and sometimes even to themselves.

There are plenty of people who are not aware that their relationship is abusive or just don't talk about it. I have 2 friends in abusive relationships. You would never know. They've told no one other than me. Their husbands are both outwardly very nice and you'd never guess. I've recently left an abusive relationship. I had an outwardly dream life. You'd never ever have known.

Imagine this scenario. You'd been together for 2 years, you come home one day and he flips out at something you've done and calls you names. You decide to leave and come back the next day to collect your things and he physically assaults you, then he starts a hate campaign against you online, harasses your family and stalks you. Other than abstaining from relationships entirely, what one factor could stop that from happening to someone?

Anyone can be a victim of domestic abuse.

No one - female or male - is impossible to abuse.

But some people are harder to abuse. I’ve never been in an abusive relationship, because I expect people to be nice to me and if they aren’t I avoid them. I’d find love bombing bizarre so I’d avoid that too.

But if someone slowly turned nasty once your finances were entangled or you had kids.. that could happen to anyone.

OK, so you allowed him to move in with you after 3 months. Net result is the same. The relevance is that you were living with a guy you'd only known for 3 months. This is really unwise and shows a lack of judgement and boundaries on your behalf.

I think it’s about building good protective layers - knowledge about healthy relationships, self esteem, close friends and family. I had all of these though but after a bereavement where I was vulnerable an abusive man still managed to get into my life. The above things were what then helped me get out even if it was too long I stayed.

What if, one day, your child becomes abusive toward you?

Serious question as many many years ago my son was physically and verbally abusive to me.

I was a strong single parent of two too, very black and white. No shit from a man...

However...

Genuine question as you sound strong. I was strong until then. So unfortunately I wasn't immune to abuse after all.

I had a couple of boyfriends, a good-and-then-boring marriage (is it abusive for a DH to play a million hours of stupid computer games?), then another couple of boyfriends and now another nice marriage.
Reasons for ending things have mainly been not clicking, growing apart, other dull stuff. A recurring problem has been men who want me to fix their lives and be their mum. I do get icked out by grand romantic gestures and I talk A LOT though, so maybe the abusers are put off by me?

OP: if you're asking this for the reason I'm guessing, I don't think you need to change your personality or behaviour. The abusive shits you attract are (often CONSCIOUSLY because they are bad people who want a woman-object not a human partner) identifying 'weaknesses' which are probably positive, generous, forgiving traits that would make you a great partner for an actual nice bloke.
What you can can do is think about whether the next arsehole who is trying to get with you is worthy of your time. Does he talk to you like a real individual he genuinely wants to get to know? Is the gift he gave something you specifically like that most women wouldn't or is it red roses and chocolate? Does he do the washing up when he comes round for tea but doesn't make a big deal about how great he is for doing it? Does he give you space to talk and actively engage in conversation about topics which have nothing to do with him?
Also while you're getting started at this: you know that friend who hates all your boyfriends? She's right. So have her meet them early on and take her advice on board.

I would like to think I am one of those woman you talk about OP

My mum always taught us you leave after the first hit if it was to happen. She has never been in any sort of abusive relationship so that’s not coming from experience but expectations

I also don’t agree with sharing finances in a relationship so that means I am in control of my own money. Joint bills yes but not a joint account

My DP knows that I won’t put up with any shit and would be quite happy on my own if he wants to start messing me around

I've told one person, it's not something I shout about. I don't want people's pity. I don't want people to see me as this weak woman who let her partner abuse her for years and get asked why I didn't walk after the first time. From the outside we looked like the perfect couple even now the narrative as to why we split up is that we grew apart.

I've rebuilt my life and I have trusted the men that have since been in my life so I know there are good men out there.

I don't think anyone is impossible to abuse, and I think that's the wrong way to look at it. But it's also unhelpful to pretend that there aren't patterns, that abusers don't look for vulnerability and that previous victims of abuse aren't more vulnerable. Sadly - it is desperately unfair, but it is established fact - this is one of the many things where advantages pile on advantages,; if you've had a stable, loving childhood and other good early experiences you're far less likely to end up in abusive relationships. Not impossible, of course, but the research is clear.

Similarly I disagree and don't think it's helpful to say that there are no signs of abusers, that they're so sophisticated and change many years in. Again, its not that this is never the case but I don't believe it usually is. When people say men 'turned' after having children it very rarely is the case that they were genuine, equal partners before, it's that that didn't matter so much. Pre-children being a 'good' male partner is often measured in making romantic gestures, which proves a pretty crap basis for being good co-parents. 'He treated me like a princess' is a red flag.

But that woman is not in an abusive relationship. She left the relationship.

She is being stalked and harassed, but she's no more in a relationship with the stalker than if they'd never met in person and he started stalking and harassing her.

I think I am. I have very little tolerance for BS or abuse. My family was very emotionally abusive and in other ways abusive growing up so I had a lot to learn about not hanging around in shitty interpersonal relationships but eventually I learned it and now my tolerance for certain personalities has plummeted. Don’t get me wrong everyone has flaws and that is fine but if your flaws are that you are a dominating, controlling or an abusive person then I am out of there. I am not being victimised by arseholes again. There are plenty of nice people in the world without those traits.

I think I am pretty much bomb proof to it, but ONLY because I have been in abusive relationships and I am now completely hyper vigilant to every cue and signal. I know that you don't have to have experienced abuse to recognise these signs, but in my case.

What a bizarre comment... do you apply the same reasoning with flatmates?

Unfortunately it can happen to anyone. I know someone with zero tolerance for bullshit, financially independent, fantastic family support, incredibly intelligent- academically, emotionally, socially. The fully rounded incredible human being and she was in an abusive relationship.

I haven't been a victim of abuse in a relationship.

I have always kept an escape route. And let them know I had an escape route no details required.

It depends how you define abuse.

I would say most women will have experience of at least verbal abuse and threats from men (very common to get unwanted attention in the street/clubs and to get a mouthful of verbal abuse if you reject someone).

Emotional and physical abuse is all too common in relationships.

It has nothing to do with what the woman is like as a person and all to do with the perpetrators of the abuse.

I had a violent, misogynist father and that was my first experience of physical, verbal and emotional abuse from a man. There was nothing I could have done as a child/teen to avoid this.

It is a slippery slope towards victim blaming to suggest that somehow the woman is responsible in part for the abuse because she lacks self-esteem of boundaries...women and girls should not be abused full stop.

Some women are also targeted because they are part of the LGBT+ community or have disabilities and so on.

It is very simplistic to suggest that some women are immune to abuse simply because they are better boundaries when dating.

It does not a lack of judgement or boundaries. Her boundary was not 'know someone really well - ideally at least a year - before we move in together'. That might be your boundary, and good for you.

Hers was, treat me with respect or I leave. She enforced that boundary.

I think you have to find your weak spots and plug them up because that's where abusers get you and need to be aware of how abusers come across initially and what to look for, be hypervigilant.
I think there is an element of good luck when you end up with a good one, because you can be very good at spotting the bad ones early but no luck in meeting a good guy (or meeting them and they're not attracted to you or they're unavailable) but you can have more success in avoiding the bad ones if you work on yourself, are brutally selective and unbothered about staying single.

Me, I'm like this. I used to be abusable, not any more, I had a lot of therapy. I'm now excellent at spotting red flags and I have a firm line in the sand. I won't tolerate any shit. The characteristics I have are fully understanding what healthy behaviour/connection is. If I don't see it, I move on immediately.

I think some people are perhaps too romantic. I see threads and posts about how wonderful we met 5 minutes ago, moved continents for him where I don't know a soul and here I am pregnant with twins and planning our wedding and isn't it all marvellous?! Sometimes people are blind to their partner's HUGE red flags, sometimes people are deluding themselves and being selective with the truth and what they share with us when the reality of their relationship is so different. We don't get to see how people ended up 5, 10, 30 years down the line. I think some people are so tragically romantic they want to believe in the happily ever after so they ignore the love bombing and signs because they want to believe love is finally really happening to them, they so desperately want a relationship or that family unit that they overlook so much until it's too late.

Fruitfriend has an interesting point about "weaknesses" that leave you vulnerable that would be strengths in a good relationship - attempting to understand where the other person is coming from, tolerating and compromising and giving the benefit of the doubt.

The first incidents aren't usually someone swinging a punch. It's someone getting disproportionately upset and you trying to understand why because you don't want someone you love to feel bad. And you've started down the path of a tacit agreement that you're responsible for his feelings so now it's all your fault when his life is less than wonderful and you're wondering how the hell you ended up here.

The willingness to love makes you vulnerable.