Is any woman impossible to abuse?

[Sushi4Dins]

Just that really. Do you think there are women who just have zero tolerance for crappy behaviour, end things at the very first red flag and just will never find themselves in abusive relationships?

If so, what characteristics do you think these women have that make them able to do this?

I think I misunderstood the question when I answered it. I have been abused, my childhood wasn’t good. Pretty narcissistic parents who were emotionally unavailable. Two bullying older brothers who got a kick out of putting myself and my sister down and one of them sexually abused both of us.

Anyone can be abused and unfortunately being abused builds up a tolerance for abuse which creates a cycle. There is a complete distortion that goes around abuse too you start to believe the crap abusive people are spouting over trusting yourself.

But my tolerance for being around dickheads like my family dropped as I learned more about abuse and I definitely think I am pretty impervious these days based on those experiences. I had a tendency towards similar personalities in friends and actually I had to work on my own personality a lot too, I was pretty codependent which didn’t help. I think becoming impervious to abuse takes a lot of support and education from outside of where the abuse is coming from.

Since I started studying Psychology at 31, I have become more assertive in relations.

I attracted abusers in my younger days and the one thing they have said to me time and time again is that I lack confidence. Which came as a surprise as I always thought I was a strong independent woman .

*Since I've started

Most people get wiser with age. I noticed more wisdom in me by the age of 38.

But my tolerance for being around dickheads like my family dropped as I learned more about abuse and I definitely think I am pretty impervious these days based on those experiences.

excellent news, @Lostmarblesfinder

If you're asking if anyone can be in a relationship with an abuser and not be abused, then no.

The only way is to maintain independence and leave if it starts.

In my childhood and teen years, I witnessed my relative lady living with her alcoholic abusive husband for 14 years. He died of vodka at the age of 48.

So at 14, I told myself I will never ever stay in any abusive relations if I ever get randomly involved in any abuse unknowingly and I haven't.

Haven’t read the whole thread but I don’t think it’s always great to have these rock solid boundaries. I have always found it hard to trust, I’m difficult to get to know and I don’t let people in easily.
I feel lucky I’ve never had an abusive partner but I’ve probably also missed out on a lot by being so emotionally cautious.
there is value and beauty in being a bit more “heart on sleeve”. If that’s you, don’t feel you need to change yourself entirely.

@aurynne

''I think one issue in this thread is that some posters appear to mistake "abuse" with "assault" or "being insulted". ''

Nope.

Abuse is not defined only within romantic relationships and can also take many forms (verbal, physical, emotional).

The definition of abuse is when someone causes us harm or distress. It can happen at home but also at work, public places, schools and so on.

I can often be perpetrated by someone taking advantaged of an established relationship (friend, relative, carer) but this is not the only scenario.

Unless the OP makes it clear that they are referring only to what happens between partners/people who are dating, it is right to see abuse in the broader context.

It seems to me that very sophisticated abusers can absolutely manipulate any woman.

All this 'oh, I'm independent; I don't want kids, therefore I'm immune' stuff is (a) bullshit and (b) extremely insulting to women who are more than capable of having children and being independent.

There are some men out there who enjoy 'breaking' strong, independent women. They're clever. They play the long game. They're a nice, decent chap who 'respects' their independent girlfriend. Then slowly, over time, the mind games start. Subtly. Barely perceptibly. The tiniest of things to cause confusion. Then back to normal. Then again.

And the strong, independent woman in her relationship with the nice chap who enjoys being with such a strong-minded person doesn't realise what's happening. It's so slow, like a frog being boiled in water that she doesn't see what has happened until it's far too late. It's psychological long before the first punch is thrown.

Personally, I've never been in an abusive relationship. However, I've done enough reading around the subject and listening to women who have been through it to know that saying 'I'm immune' is just utterly naïve.

I agree that some women are probably easier to abuse, but no woman is safe from it ever happening. And thinking that you would always be the one to walk away makes you probably more vulnerable than you realise.

Unless the OP makes it clear that they are referring only to what happens between partners/people who are dating, it is right to see abuse in the broader context.

They're posting on the Relationships board...

Ending it with some boyfriend is very different to a long term relationship, with shared financial resources, possibly with children for a start.

Then you add on fear of being alone, lack of family support, money worries and other destabilising factors-

This is why people don't leave at the click of a finger. It's great that some people feel they could never be in that position, really it is. Just make sure if you're one of those people that you appreciate that you have the circumstances that allow you to leave so easily and don't judge others.

I think it's hard because it usually builds up. The key would be knowing what signs to look out for and being strong enough to leave. Another aspect is having a friend who you talk to who might see what you can't and will tell you. I've realised in hindsight I've never been truly open with friends as I've not wanted them to not like my partners, but if I had (and they'd been brave enough to tell me) then maybe that would be actually been a good thing. I do wonder though if I would have listened

Also mystified by @Cheeseandhoney's response to that post. How very strange. Perhaps the wrong post was quoted?

...and if that wasn't enough, the OP did specify "in abusive relationships?"

I genuinely think that any woman could be abused although there are certainly those that are less susceptible.

I think I'm one of those simply because my professional and personal experience means I can sniff out manipulation and controlling behaviour from a mile off. I mostly know when I'm being groomed.

I've been in a relationship for 15 years so I don't actually know how I'd manage new relationships now as I haven't had to since my 20s.

I have still misjudged people, we all do so it's absolutely possible I could be a victim as much as the next woman.

What we do know is once you've been in an abusive relationship, especially long term, it's more likely it would happen again.

I've seen it a hundred times. Once you've been worn down, beaten and diminished it doesn't take much for the next one to A) seem like a better prospect and B) for them to exploit every bit of harm and damage already done.

Then on and on it goes unless the cycle is broken.

Me too. @Cheeseandhoney I can only assume you quoted the wrong post and then didn't realise?

Same.

I think family support is a HUGE one and financial independence! Makes women a lot less likely to tolerate abuse.

Think this is spot on!

@OriginalUsername2
💐 for you

I feel like this is a really unpleasant, victim blaming thread. I'm sure it wasn't intended that way, but through my professional lens I'm reading it thinking how painful it would be for some of the ladies I support to read all these lists of things they should have done better.
Rather than aspiring to some mysterious list of the right qualities, maybe we should wonder about how we stop men being abusive

The problem with the family support bit is that for a lot of people is that it is in families where the boundary erosion starts to be learned.

The times when you were growing up where you had to suppress your emotions around any bad things that were happening to survive in your family.

And it is so normal to you that you don’t even see it. Having had to face up to it in my own family I have noticed the presence of it in many, many other families to lesser or greater extents. Culturally in the past the needs of women and children were suppressed in favour of meeting men’s needs. Children’s needs were suppressed to meet parent's needs. That cultural erosion of children expressing needs has had an effect of them turning into adults who suppress issues when they are experiencing abuse. Abuse is completely culturally tolerated too. Ask anyone who has ever tried to challenge abuse.

Abuse is a slow, uncertain, mind fucking process. When you eventually come to question the abuse, you're in too deep and questioning your own sanity!

A sense that God provides, not human beings.

An ability to entertain and amuse oneself - not afraid of being alone.

An open mind to the future - being willing to explore new and unexpected avenues. It’s extraordinary the things that can happen that you didn’t imagine.

You have empathy, but not to an extreme degree.

You are ruled more by your mind rather then the heart - an analytical logical mindset. You think in terms of pros and cons and gains and losses…

…You prioritise your psychological well-being and health - you are willing to sacrifice other things for this.

You always keep an exit strategy, there are other resources open to you other than a career and money. State safety nets are there for a reason, use them.

You have a firm faith in your own perception and ability to draw conclusions - you consciously give yourself plenty of time and space to do this.

You do not mind roughing it a bit if you necessarily - you understand that human beings are at their core very adaptable and extremely resilient.

Sex, wealth, and status do not wield undue power over you - you understand there are more important and satisfying things. You make strong efforts to find out what those things are and taste them for yourself.

You understand that very little is foolproof and it’s possible for each person to “meet their master” sooner or later. You know that eventuality won’t break your spirit and you will find a way to rise above it.

Fantastic post.