Found out partner has hidden savings

[Help123456779]

Hi new to this but I recently found out my partner of 8 years has been hiding how much money he has. We are due to remortgage and our mortgage broker during a phone call mentioned his bank balance, this came as a shock as I’m currently on SMP and worrying most nights about whether we can afford the mortgage and make ends meet but the whole time he’s been sat with more than enough money to cover these costs. I’m still paying exactly half to all bills and have zero spare money for myself. I feel hurt by the lies and really feel I can’t trust him now but he doesn’t seem to think it’s a problem and can’t understand why I’m hurt but I feel betrayed, he knows how I’ve struggled with PPD too as money worries only added to this, I feel like he could have taken a lot of pressure off me if he’d have been honest with his finances. Am I being unreasonable?

Leave immediately.

I’m currently on SMP and worrying most nights about whether we can afford the mortgage and make ends meet but the whole time he’s been sat with more than enough money to cover these costs. I’m still paying exactly half to all bills and have zero spare money for myself.

why?

I'm shocked at how many women think this is ok. WTF!

So, if Op's partner had an accident, and lost his job, presumably Op should just insist that he still pays half of the bills? Out of thin air? Oooookay then.

Have a little think about what you're saying!

Yes, including the context of her having given birth to HIS baby, and is now the only one taking a financial hit.

And presumably, SMP doesn't even cover half the bills, so maybe Op should sell a kidney or something? Or maybe, this impregnator should put his hand in his fucking pocket and pay for the situation that HE has created.

EXACTLY! It's shocking how many people can't see this!

How has society conned women into having babies, sacrificing their careers for children (often inevitable), doing all the home stuff while paying 50:50 and not even being married.

WISE UP LADIES!!!

I'm angry on your behalf OP. Time to redress the balance. Given the circumstances, I would tell him you are not doing 50-50 and will adjust according to earnings. If he kicks off about it, you know where you are with him. Do not sacrifice your career for him when making arrangements to go back to work - equal responsibilities for childcare, pick ups and drop offs - sadly the 'motherhood penalty' is real and that's on top of the gender pay gap (14.9% in 2022). Stop playing small and get even!

I think you mean how have certain pseudo feminists conned women.
The idea that you are not an independent woman unless you pay 50% no matter what and the idea that marriage is an outdated patriarchal tool of oppression best avoided came from pseudo feminists.

Traditional society encourages marriage and encourages a bit of financial dependence when unable to work due to childbirth and recovery.

While I think it's important that both men and women have some savings of their own for emergencies ( a getaway fund in case the relationship goes awry), it really isn't on if one of them is squirrelling away a whole pile of money each month while the other is struggling to make ends meet - such as in this situation where the woman is on SMP yet her partner is still expecting her to contribute 50:50.
This just shouldn't be happening. They are a family. He is also responsible for the conception of the unborn child. OP has to take a financial hit due to maternity leave but this financial hit should be shared. ie. he absolutely should be contributing more towards mortgage and bills. It doesn't bode well for the future when childcare costs come into the equation.

It would be interesting to know how much the savings are - if he's sitting on 5 - 10K then that's in the realms of personal savings/emergency fund. But if he's sitting on 100K, failing to mention it to OP and sitting around watching her struggle to contribute her half, then he's a shitbag.

So me and my partner split bills 50/50. I work part time due to disability, he works full time. I know how much he earns and he knows how much I earn. The other day, my car broke down and it needs £1500 of repairs which I can’t afford. I got very upset and said about borrowing money from my dad. DP asked if I would tell him my actual bank/savings balance. He had no idea how little I had and I had no idea how much he had saved! He said we should readjust what I pay for and he is now paying for the repairs. We just didn’t realise how much each other earnt after tax/bills/our own cars etc.

so I suppose it depends on whether you had conversations about your financial situation and worries before? Did you express your fears and he failed to suggest you pay less? Was it a large amount of money saved or just enough to deal with an emergency? (Eg £1000 vs £10,000).

That’s part of it yes
as is how much bills are, whether she’s using savings, going into debt, whether he’s adding to savings

i try and understand as much as I can before shouting that he’s abusive

Presumably

I think it’s probably better to find out rather than presume

This is a good point and illustrates that couples may not be frank with each other about money. I'm glad you have a fairer set up now @Whapples

I mean, presumably if you’re paying half the family bills despite being on SMP because of giving birth to your SHARED baby, that’s because he didn’t want a child at all and you made a deal that you would fund it all and make all the sacrifices, if he would just donate his sperm to allow you to have a baby for you alone to raise?

Because if that’s not how the discussions went, why the fuck has he got you sacrificing your earning without the safety net of marriage, staying at home and doing all the labour of child bearing and caring and yet continuing to pay half his bills as if you were a full time working non-parent? And more to the point, why the fuck would you go along with such a situation?

He’s got it made hasn’t he - all the benefits of a wife and child without having to pay a penny more in expenses or derail his own career in any way in the process. Imagine thinking yourself to be such a prize that you expect someone to be so desperate to live with you and have your babies that they would literally bankrupt themselves in the process?

These threads are beyond depressing. Raise your bar!!!!

How could any of that justify her being the only one to suffer financially from their joint choice to have a child?

I’m still paying exactly half to all bills and have zero spare money for myself.

WHAT?
You are on maternity leave, & he expects you to keep paying 50%?

He is in no sense a partner to you.
Pretty obvious why he didn;t marry you before having a child with you, isn't it?

Sneaky little bastard. I would be furious. Watching you struggle paying half and having nothing left to spare while having plenty for himself. Selfish and nasty.

She has recently BIRTHED HIS CHILD & taken a significant hit to her own income in order to raise it, while his earning ability remains unaffected.

I know everyone's jumping on the OP being on SMP and still paying halves but we should reserve judgement until she confirms their actual situation.

Before I went on maternity leave we both contributed more to a savings pot - kept by me - so that I'd use that to support my share of the bills on maternity leave (not 50-50 because that's not our set up but proportionate to pre-maternity earnings).

It meant that I wasn't on the bones of my arse during maternity leave but DP didn't have to start covering all my bills once I went on maternity leave either.

There are lots of potential scenarios that could justify him having savings while she’s on SMP.

are you advocating jumping to a conclusion before knowing the facts?

SMP is £626 pm. Unless they live in a tent, her SMP will not cover 50% of the bills. Her "partner" knows this. It IS financial abuse.

You do not know that, you’re jumping to calling abuse without the facts.

This is a text book example of financial abuse.

Op is now only bringing in £626pm, so has taken a huge financial hit, because she had a THEIR baby.

The Op's partner has taken no financial hit whatsoever, still expects Op to pay half of the bills, which will mean she's handing over all of her SMP plus something from her savings, and he is managing to save. So her savings are depleting, and his are growing.

She may as well set up a monthly standing order from her savings account to his.

All because they had a baby, which is BOTH OF THEIRS.

How on earth can't some people see the absolute unfairness of this? The mind boggles.

The financial burden should be equal and shared. The Op shouldn't have to pay more, just because it was her body used to grow the baby.

And don't even get me started on the impact to Op's career, future earning potential and pension pot. Gah!