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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Found out partner has hidden savings

119 replies

Help123456779 · 15/03/2023 00:32

Hi new to this but I recently found out my partner of 8 years has been hiding how much money he has. We are due to remortgage and our mortgage broker during a phone call mentioned his bank balance, this came as a shock as I’m currently on SMP and worrying most nights about whether we can afford the mortgage and make ends meet but the whole time he’s been sat with more than enough money to cover these costs. I’m still paying exactly half to all bills and have zero spare money for myself. I feel hurt by the lies and really feel I can’t trust him now but he doesn’t seem to think it’s a problem and can’t understand why I’m hurt but I feel betrayed, he knows how I’ve struggled with PPD too as money worries only added to this, I feel like he could have taken a lot of pressure off me if he’d have been honest with his finances. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
jemimapuddlepluck · 15/03/2023 13:32

SchoolTripDrama · 15/03/2023 13:15

Why isn't it fair? As mothers, we make the choice to go on maternity leave and sacrifice work to spend time with our child at home. That doesn't entitle any of us to a 'free ride' (for want of a kinder expression )

But then I'll never agree with the concept of women staying at home and being financed by their hard working husbands. That's just my personal opinion. Even if I wasn't widowed, I would never, ever agree to that and when my DH was still around, everything was split right down the middle. Each of us having independence and our own personal finances

Fucking. Hell.

Naunet · 15/03/2023 13:57

SchoolTripDrama · 15/03/2023 13:15

Why isn't it fair? As mothers, we make the choice to go on maternity leave and sacrifice work to spend time with our child at home. That doesn't entitle any of us to a 'free ride' (for want of a kinder expression )

But then I'll never agree with the concept of women staying at home and being financed by their hard working husbands. That's just my personal opinion. Even if I wasn't widowed, I would never, ever agree to that and when my DH was still around, everything was split right down the middle. Each of us having independence and our own personal finances

everything was split right down the middle. Each of us having independence and our own personal finances

Good for you, but you didn’t mention housework and childcare, I assume that’s split exactly 50/50 too?

Lovingmynewbicycle · 15/03/2023 14:44

Are you ever coming back,@Help123456779 ?

TheChoiceIsYours · 15/03/2023 14:45

SchoolTripDrama · 15/03/2023 13:15

Why isn't it fair? As mothers, we make the choice to go on maternity leave and sacrifice work to spend time with our child at home. That doesn't entitle any of us to a 'free ride' (for want of a kinder expression )

But then I'll never agree with the concept of women staying at home and being financed by their hard working husbands. That's just my personal opinion. Even if I wasn't widowed, I would never, ever agree to that and when my DH was still around, everything was split right down the middle. Each of us having independence and our own personal finances

Oh wow! Your husband was pregnant for 4.5 months and gave birth to half your baby?! Fucking hell, a medical miracle!!!

BeachBlondey · 15/03/2023 14:56

TheChoiceIsYours · 15/03/2023 14:45

Oh wow! Your husband was pregnant for 4.5 months and gave birth to half your baby?! Fucking hell, a medical miracle!!!

He also had a post partum body to heal, and hundreds of stitches in his foof. He breastfed as well. He also lost his salary, his career and had a stagnated pension when he stayed at home with the baby.

Angeldelight50 · 15/03/2023 15:08

SchoolTripDrama · 15/03/2023 13:15

Why isn't it fair? As mothers, we make the choice to go on maternity leave and sacrifice work to spend time with our child at home. That doesn't entitle any of us to a 'free ride' (for want of a kinder expression )

But then I'll never agree with the concept of women staying at home and being financed by their hard working husbands. That's just my personal opinion. Even if I wasn't widowed, I would never, ever agree to that and when my DH was still around, everything was split right down the middle. Each of us having independence and our own personal finances

Pmsl. Good to see internalised misogyny is still alive and well. How can you hate yourself this much? Christ, I hope you don’t have any daughters.

RosaBonheur · 15/03/2023 15:20

OP, you've got yourself into a terribly unfair situation here.

You're not married, so you aren't entitled to a share in any of your partner's assets, and he's making you pay 50% of bills when you're down to SMP looking after a child that is half his.

The whole situation needs a rethink.

Bookworm20 · 15/03/2023 16:45

SchoolTripDrama · 15/03/2023 13:15

Why isn't it fair? As mothers, we make the choice to go on maternity leave and sacrifice work to spend time with our child at home. That doesn't entitle any of us to a 'free ride' (for want of a kinder expression )

But then I'll never agree with the concept of women staying at home and being financed by their hard working husbands. That's just my personal opinion. Even if I wasn't widowed, I would never, ever agree to that and when my DH was still around, everything was split right down the middle. Each of us having independence and our own personal finances

WTF? Did you miss the part about OP giving birth and not being at work because, you know, she gave birth?

You also know nothing about her pregnancy and birth. They are not all a walk in the park you realise?

Yes, if she had no partner, she probably would of had to go back to work the next day! If physically able. But she DOES have a partner. The babys father. Who instead of easing the financial burden to help the mother of his child look after that child thus enabling his life to remain unaffected. he has chosen to stash it away in a savings account FOR HIMSELF. Even when his partner is becoming stressed at being unable to afford her half of the bills!

Let me guess, if you actually have children, you had easy pregnancy and birth, zero time off work (popped them out in your lunch break, as apparntly taking time off is a choice according to you), so you could maintain your 50/50 status and your husband paid 50% of the childcare and did 50% of the child rearing? In case you missed it, OPs dh is NOT paying 50% of the childcare, he is getting it for free because OP is at home with THEIR baby. she is taking 100% of the financial hit. He has taken 0% of the financial hit. His life and earnings are completely unaffected by this baby.

Stickmansmum · 15/03/2023 16:48

girljulian · 15/03/2023 00:49

This -- it's always recommended on mumsnet that women have a crisis safety net and rightly so.

Totally disagree and irritating to see that trotted out making others think the same. It’s only reasonable when you are the vulnerable party in the relationship. In this case it’s clearly financial abuse. And emotional abuse considering the context. Huge red flag.

rwalker · 15/03/2023 17:06

carriedout · 15/03/2023 06:42

This is batshit. She's not financially independent as she's on SMP after having his baby.

What I mean is everything 50/50 and to have independent savings is fine

my point was did they not discuss and plan how this would work in the smp period
we did additional joint savings before having a baby to cover the shortfall

IfonlyIdoneitsooner · 15/03/2023 18:14

Schooltripdrama..."a free ride" wtaf??? "Women staying at home being financed by their hard working husbands".... Are you for real??

So you'd rather both mum and dad paid someone else to look after the baby?? Someone has to do it? If the dad was looking after the baby would you expect him to pay halfers even if he was earning next to nothing. Would he be getting a free ride? What the fuck!

BeachBlondey · 16/03/2023 11:24

IfonlyIdoneitsooner · 15/03/2023 18:14

Schooltripdrama..."a free ride" wtaf??? "Women staying at home being financed by their hard working husbands".... Are you for real??

So you'd rather both mum and dad paid someone else to look after the baby?? Someone has to do it? If the dad was looking after the baby would you expect him to pay halfers even if he was earning next to nothing. Would he be getting a free ride? What the fuck!

Exactly!

Onnabugeisha · 17/03/2023 00:47

BeachBlondey · 15/03/2023 12:57

This is a text book example of financial abuse.

Op is now only bringing in £626pm, so has taken a huge financial hit, because she had a THEIR baby.

The Op's partner has taken no financial hit whatsoever, still expects Op to pay half of the bills, which will mean she's handing over all of her SMP plus something from her savings, and he is managing to save. So her savings are depleting, and his are growing.

She may as well set up a monthly standing order from her savings account to his.

All because they had a baby, which is BOTH OF THEIRS.

How on earth can't some people see the absolute unfairness of this? The mind boggles.

The financial burden should be equal and shared. The Op shouldn't have to pay more, just because it was her body used to grow the baby.

And don't even get me started on the impact to Op's career, future earning potential and pension pot. Gah!

FGS no it’s not even close to textbook financial abuse you’ve done a list of things that are merely unfair. Unfair isn’t a crime.

Financial abuse covers a wide variety of activities, from mishandling finances to fraud, but may broadly be described as a violation of an individual's rights relating to their financial affairs or assets.

Section 42(3) of the Care Act 2014 in England and section 197(1) of the Social Services and Well-being (Wales) Act 2014 in Wales define ‘abuse’ as including financial abuse, which covers:

having money or other property stolen
being defrauded
being put under pressure in relation to money or other property; and
having money or other property misused
The English Care and Support Statutory Guidance, which supports the Care Act 2014, cites examples of financial or material abuse as:

“theft, fraud, internet scamming, coercion in relation to an adult’s financial affairs or arrangements, including in connection with wills, property, inheritance or financial transactions, or the misuse or misappropriation of property, possessions or benefits.”

Chapter 14 of the Care and Support Statutory Guidance to the Care Act 2014 is the English guidance to local authorities on safeguarding.

In Wales, the statutory guidance in relation to Part 7 (Safeguarding) of the Social Services and Well-being (Wales) Act 2014 is contained in volumes 1-6 of Working Together to Safeguard People.

For cross-border cases, it should be noted that the Scottish legislative regime is different.

Forms of financial abuse
Financial abuse includes but is not limited to:

theft – either physically, or through transfer of funds from the vulnerable person

misappropriation or misuse of money or property – for example, improper use of money or assets when handling it for a vulnerable person under informal arrangements

exerting undue influence to give away assets or gifts – this can include putting inappropriate pressure on a vulnerable person to change their will, or make gifts they otherwise would not, or to sign over the family home to one relative when the vulnerable person is about to go into residential care

putting undue pressure on the vulnerable person to accept lower-cost/lower-quality services in order to preserve more financial resources to be passed to beneficiaries when the person dies

carrying out unnecessary work and/or overcharging – for example, tradespeople recommending unnecessary repairs to property, pressure-selling of services, overcharging for work or charging in advance

misuse of a vulnerable person’s assets by professionals – for example, by accountants or legal professionals with access to client funds
misuse of an enduring power of attorney or property and financial affairs LPA – use other than as intended or further than as limited by the document

misuse of welfare benefits by those appointed to manage such benefits on behalf of someone lacking capacity

misuse by paid carers or family members of local authority direct payments, which should be used to pay for care and support
sales representatives encouraging vulnerable people to enter into contracts or

change suppliers (for example for mobile phone services) when they do not understand their contractual responsibilities

internet and postal scams that fraudulently obtain payments from a vulnerable person

identity fraud, where the perpetrator gains access to the vulnerable person’s identification documents and takes out credit cards and loans in their name

romance abuse and predatory marriages, where the vulnerable person is ‘groomed’ to have a relationship with the perpetrator who intends to scam the victim out of money, or marry them with the intention of inheriting their estate

Controlling or coercive behaviour, sometimes taking place alongside physical abuse, can take the form of:

depriving the person of their basic needs
limiting access to finances
denying access to support services, such as specialist support or medical services
forcing the victim to take part in criminal activity such as shoplifting
controlling finances, such as only allowing a person a punitive allowance
taking wages, benefits or allowances
See Statutory Guidance Framework: Controlling or Coercive Behaviour in an Intimate or Family Relationship, published by the Home Office pursuant to section 77(1) of the Serious Crime Act 2015.

MrsTerryPratchett · 17/03/2023 00:55

I don't know why you're quoting the Care Acts @Onnabugeisha , which are to do with entirely different situations. The Serious Crime Act (tucked away at the end of the Wall of Text) is more relevant. And says, "limiting access to finances" which this is. And OP is up at night worrying about paying the bills so , "depriving the person of their basic needs" is there too.

However I know you ALWAYS take the man's side so it's not a surprise.

IfonlyIdoneitsooner · 17/03/2023 07:27

MrsTerryPratchett · 17/03/2023 00:55

I don't know why you're quoting the Care Acts @Onnabugeisha , which are to do with entirely different situations. The Serious Crime Act (tucked away at the end of the Wall of Text) is more relevant. And says, "limiting access to finances" which this is. And OP is up at night worrying about paying the bills so , "depriving the person of their basic needs" is there too.

However I know you ALWAYS take the man's side so it's not a surprise.

Exactly this.

Onnabugeisha · 17/03/2023 13:49

MrsTerryPratchett · 17/03/2023 00:55

I don't know why you're quoting the Care Acts @Onnabugeisha , which are to do with entirely different situations. The Serious Crime Act (tucked away at the end of the Wall of Text) is more relevant. And says, "limiting access to finances" which this is. And OP is up at night worrying about paying the bills so , "depriving the person of their basic needs" is there too.

However I know you ALWAYS take the man's side so it's not a surprise.

I quoted the entirety to educate you and others who are saying it is “textbook financial abuse” when it is absolutely not.

You misunderstood what you read. You probably should have looked at how those items are actually assessed and applied before saying that limiting access to finances is about partners not sharing finances…it’s not at all as it is perfectly legal for partners to have seperate finances in their own accounts that only they can access. Limiting access to finances actually refers to limiting a person access to their own money. As in, for example, you force them by threats or coercion to have their pay to go to a joint account and then you transfer out most or all of it to your own account, leaving the person forced to beg you for a tenner now and then.

And worrying about bills isn’t “depriving the person of their basic needs” either- that refers to being left without sufficient funds either by not having access to your own money or being refused money if unemployed & destitute by a partner to buy necessities for life like food, clothing, transport, medicine for yourself or any dependent children. Worrying about bills and having zero extra money left over after bills is also not financial abuse. If it were 80% of the country would meet that made up definition that minimises the severity of actual financial abuse.

Your posts are no different from making a list of “he brushed past me and his sleeve touched my sleeve in the hallway” and “he tossed a spoon in the sink and it startled me” as examples of domestic violence.

Onnabugeisha · 17/03/2023 13:54

MrsTerryPratchett · 17/03/2023 00:55

I don't know why you're quoting the Care Acts @Onnabugeisha , which are to do with entirely different situations. The Serious Crime Act (tucked away at the end of the Wall of Text) is more relevant. And says, "limiting access to finances" which this is. And OP is up at night worrying about paying the bills so , "depriving the person of their basic needs" is there too.

However I know you ALWAYS take the man's side so it's not a surprise.

🤣🤣🤣 utter bullshit as I do not always take a man’s side. I haven’t even taken the man’s side in this thread! Lol

You just don’t like it when I correct your mistakes, so you engage in desperate personal attacks.

Whenisitsummer · 21/05/2023 22:48

I don’t think you should be expected to contribute 50/50 whilst on smp. But there should have been a discussion about how finances would be split, prior to you actually being on maternity leave. With regards to savings, I don’t think there is anything wrong with having a little nest egg that no one else knows about.

beenwhereyouare · 22/05/2023 01:41

If they prorated the bills and each paid the same percentage of their own salaries each month it would be more fair, especially when she's on SMP.

If his salary is double hers, his share of expenses should be double as well. The amounts they each paid would be different, but the percentage used of each salary would be the same.

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