Found out partner has hidden savings

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Hi new to this but I recently found out my partner of 8 years has been hiding how much money he has. We are due to remortgage and our mortgage broker during a phone call mentioned his bank balance, this came as a shock as I’m currently on SMP and worrying most nights about whether we can afford the mortgage and make ends meet but the whole time he’s been sat with more than enough money to cover these costs. I’m still paying exactly half to all bills and have zero spare money for myself. I feel hurt by the lies and really feel I can’t trust him now but he doesn’t seem to think it’s a problem and can’t understand why I’m hurt but I feel betrayed, he knows how I’ve struggled with PPD too as money worries only added to this, I feel like he could have taken a lot of pressure off me if he’d have been honest with his finances. Am I being unreasonable?

Did he actually hide it or did he just not say he had it? Does he sit there worrying about the mortgage too?

He's bang out of order.

You need to have a calm discussion about it. Tell him you feel betrayed and that you can't afford 50.50 on SMP. Stop paying 50.50 and if he has a problem with it, then you know where you stand.

DO NOT get a bigger mortgage with him until he shows you that you are indeed a partnership.

Ave you spoken about marriage? Currently, he's getting all the perks of a marriage without any responsibilities.

He’s made you continue to pay half of household bills and the mortgage even you’ve been on statutory maternity pay? Knowing it’s left you with absolutely nothing?

What a fucking prick.

You should have equal money to spend on yourself, after bills etc are paid. That will probably mean him paying a bigger % of bills etc.

“This is not ok, either you are a family or you aren’t. I’d never leave DH to worry or struggle to meet his commitments while sitting on a pile of cash. People have various ways of contributing to a family pot but it must be fair, whether it’s percentage of income, whether it’s one pot, it doesn’t matter as long as no-one is left struggling when they don’t have to.

This is not what someone who loves you does. Think very carefully if you want a mortgage with this man. He knows he had that money and he knows you had his baby and he still expected you to contribute out of SMP. Not how you treat someone you genuinely care about. Would you do that to him? Think about what it takes to be such a selfish bastard.”

This with bells on. @Noicant has nailed it. This man doesn’t see you as a team. You aren’t earning because you’re raising your shared baby therefore you shouldn’t be paying anything like 50% of the bills. SMP is a tiny amount and probably scarcely covers baby provisions. Caring partners in this situation would be bearing the bulk if not all of the costs. (That’s what my DH did - we weren’t married at the time).

A dear friend of mine had a husband like this. Although he earned a lot more, he insisted all costs were split 50/50 leaving him with money to fund his expensive weekend hobbies and her and their lovely shared DC often alone at weekends and having a very quiet time because that was all my friend could afford.

Her H was actually profiting off her because he was using her to fund a lifestyle which he could afford but she couldn’t. That’s what yours is doing. My friend divorced him in the end. He was devastated. But it was his fault because of his uncaring behaviour towards her and their DC.

How can someone hoard money and watch a partner struggle?

What he's done isn't right by any stretch of the imagination.
He shouldn't be in a position to save while you're on your arse on SMP raising his child.

How open have you both previously been about finances in general? Ie, if he believes you both have a savings pot and doesn't think you're struggling he may not be cruel, just misguided expecting you to use your pot on mat leave while he continues to save.

What discussions took place before getting pregnant/while pregnant about how you were going to live day to day when your wage dropped to smp. Presumably you discussed then the point you'd drop down to smp? I'm not blaming you - this should have been discussions you both had before the massive life change happened?

How are you paying half the bills whilst on SMP? Are you using your savings? If so this needs to be discussed as to WHY you are finding your Mat leave out of YOUR savings for your joint child

Firstly - why are you remortgaging? Is this to borrow more money or to get a better deal? Is your name already on the mortgage?

My ex did something very similar - coincidentally at the same ish 8 year period! The house was solely in my name and we were going to remortgage to add him on and also get a better deal on the interest rate. I didn’t add him on eventually as he didn’t have enough years accounts self employed for me to do so

Anyway, long story short he also had a savings account I found out about after we split and I had been scrimping and saving all along, paying for pretty much everything whilst he had been building savings.

We split up in the end because he was violent - and he was well sorted with around £25k in savings! Whilst I was left to deal with everything as I had been doing anyway

Sounds like he is saving for potentially not being with you

Yes. Women are advised to do this all the time. Don't see how it's despicable at all.

A very good friend if mine started saving in secret when he got married. He put a small amount away each month to save for their 10 year anniversary and over the years it did accumulate to a significant amount.

I guess it's not always negative?

Is it for a specific purpose? Like paying the fees for the remortgage so you don't have to add them on?

I think the not telling you part isn't good but it really depends how much we are talking. A few grand surplus in his current account I wouldn't necessarily view as savings. More as an emergency fund.

You say you pay half. Does SMP actually cover half but leave nothing spare? Who buys the grocery shop etc?

What are your past attitudes to spending and saving?

I am a saver. As long as I can just about get by then I'll do without treats like coffees or cakes out because I'm just as happy with a flask. I suspect it stems from a childhood of seeing my parents struggle. Other people are very much of the 'live for now' attitude.

Neither is wrong but if you are naturally the watch every penny type then as long as you are managing on SMP I can sort of see why he may not see an issue.

Have you told him how much you have been worrying about money? If so was he reassuring but didn't add this bit? Or has he given you the idea that you won't be able to pay the mortgage?

We all have different levels of what we consider financial doom. Some people will get to the end of the month with £2 in the bank and consider that good, others like their account to always be above a certain level.

Is this an issue of communication rather than money?

This is financial abuse which is another form of domestic abuse.

You shouldnt be splitting bills 50/50 when you're on SMP.

Equality is you both having the same amount of 'spending' money each month.

That's after all essential costs inc things for dc/house clothes/bills.

Don't label is abuse without knowing what they agreed.

He's selfish and considers himself more important than you and the family unit. If he really doesn't see what the big deal is... Why has he never told you about the savings. My ex dh did the same. It doesn't get any better. It's not just money, it will permeate everything. If he's secretive about one of the big things like money, you can be sure he'll be secretive about other things. You can't change someone with that kind of mind set. He's not going to suddenly wake up and think...aye you know she's right, what's mine is hers and I want to make sure she's as content and happy as I can possibly make her. It's a deep seated mindset and I wish I'd just left him all those years ago. I'd start making sure financially you are secure enough to leave. Do not remortgage with him.

OP has been struggling for money herself and her mental health has been taking a hit as a result?

Ask some non emotional questions of your DH.
How long has he had the money? Maybe from way before you got together.
What is the money? Did he earn it? Did he inherit it?
Explain how you feel.
The 50/50 thing needs sweeking definitely now that you have children.

These are good questions. The crazy increase in mortgage interest rates have been in the news for almost a year. Did he save the money specifically for the remortgage because he was so worried and knew you’d be on SMP so it would be entirely up to him to squirrel away extra savings?

No. It’s not financial abuse. Financial abuse is leaving one partner unable to purchase necessities like food, to replace worn out shoes/clothing, unable to purchase formula/nappies, unable to pay for prescriptions, or use transport.

It’s not at the level of financial abuse if partners agree to a 50/50 split and that results merely in one partner can saving money while the other cannot save.

A 50/50 split while you are on maternity leave is clearly unfair.

Him 'hiding' money - well, that depends on your financial arrangement with dp. Maybe you are not on the same page about how money is shared and spent and saved, and who it belongs to. Maybe he agreed to 'family money' but has been secretly saving for himself.

You two need to discuss finances. Is this your first dc?

Yes but when women have secret money hidden in savings that's ok. It's only men who aren't allowed to do it.

Of course men are allowed to do it! But this man has been doing it while the person he supposedly loves have given birth to his child, taken a huge drop in pay to care for that child and has been suffering stress and possibly depression from the fact she is struggling to pay 50% of the bills from SMP. All while his life is seemingly unaffected and hes been saving instead of trying to ease the financial burden starting a family brings.

I cannot comprehend anyone seeing their partner struggling while sitting on something that would relieve that struggle for them. It makes it even more disusting that they do this when the reason their partner is struggling is because of having their baby!

If a woman had £25k hidden in savings while she knew her partner couldn't earn for a period and was really worried about money and making ends meet, I'd think exactly the same. Especially when they were particularly vulnerable (a new mum recovering from pnd). It's not about being a man or a woman. It's about your approach to life and love and relationships.

My ex dh had parents who didn't share any money and were mean with each other not just with money but in every aspect of their lives. Deeply unhappy people. The wife was arguably much worse than the husband.

My own parents shared everything, nothing was hidden and any money was considered part of the family pot. They were generous with each other, not just in money but with everything. They had ups and downs financially but they were always in it together. The idea my dad would secret £25k in savings while he knew my mum was worried and stressed about finances??? Just unimaginable.

He impregnated you, meaning that you now cannot work for a while, and yet he expects you to pay half of all the bills, even though you have no capacity to earn? He's taking the absolute piss. When you are on SMP, it is his responsibility to cover the bills. Or, his salary and your SMP all go into a joint account, from which all expenses are covered.

If he can't see how this is the right thing to do, why don't you propose to him, that after the baby is born, he should go part time, thus halving his earnings, whilst you will work full time, and that all bills should still be split 50/50. Let him consider if that would work for him? (Put it to him with a serious face on, even if you wouldn't consider doing that.....let the penny drop).

This

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