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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help solve a dilemma

170 replies

Jaspertime · 14/03/2023 19:58

Going out of my mind, boyfriend of 4 yrs decided to pretend he forgot my birthday so he could surprise me when I called to his flat in the evening. He knows I have anxiety on this day due to past relationship always ignoring it.

i felt terrible all day as he never text, but did call and was casual.
he expected me to laugh it off in the evening, I couldn’t and told him it was not f ** funny. He told me to get out. It’s been 2 weeks no contact. I still have some belongings there, should I contact him to collect or does he do that. Incidentally I don’t want this to end. Please all advise very welcome, I feel really horrible

OP posts:
Pippa12 · 14/03/2023 20:11

What an odd thing to do? He ruined your birthday, all day, by pretending he’d forgotten as a joke even tho he knew it would upset you? You are not anybody’s entertainment.

I really don’t think this guy is a keeper to be honest.

Id ask a friend to go and collect my things.

qqq82 · 14/03/2023 20:14

Did he really have a surprise waiting for you or was that bullshit and he actually forgot?
I don't know what to suggest
Have you tried speaking to him ?

Original poster
Jaspertime · 14/03/2023 20:18

Thank you so much for replying. I’m devastated
he really has been such an amazing man to be with that I can’t be,Evie this has happened

OP posts:
Opentooffers · 14/03/2023 20:20

In no way should you capitulate to him about this. You may not want this to end, but he did something that any normal person would deem a dumpable offence. He wasn't laughing when he told you to get out.
It's quite possible that he engineered this so that you would split up, hideous behaviour after 4 years. I suspect given time apart, you will realise that there were probably other instances of dubious behaviour on his part. You are far better off without him.
Ask a friend or family member to get your stuff fir you, you can do better than him.

Original poster
Jaspertime · 14/03/2023 20:25

Bless you for replying. I walked in and he had presents in the kitchen, which I never got to open

he smiled and hugged me and said “ as if I could forget” I told him that was horrible. He said “ have a bit of faith in me please” I reminded him how I feel so anxious on that day. He seems to think he was creating a surprise for me. He told me he thought I would laugh it off with him. He got SO angry saying I should know him better. I told him I felt upset all day. He said he was really angry at me and told me to go. I asked if that meant I should gather my clothes . He said “do what you like” so I left with another awful birthday. He truly is amazing, very kind and generous so I’m absolutely shocked. That’s why I wish I said nothing. I don’t even know if it’s over for definite. Is it up to me to contact him. This incident lasted about 20 mins, it feels like a dream.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jaspertime · 14/03/2023 20:28

I appreciate you replying, thank you so much. The shame of it is we were so happy with lots planned to do and there was never a trace of this behaviour before. Always so generous that’s what makes it sooo shocking.

OP posts:
MaireadMcSweeney · 14/03/2023 20:32

He's not amazing. That was horrible of him. And even if he felt cross with you in the moment he's left you for weeks after with no contact? He isn't amazing at all. He's nasty.

EliflurtleTripanInfinite · 14/03/2023 20:36

If he was truly amazing he would have felt horrible for hurting you like this and apologised straight away.

boozebarge · 14/03/2023 20:38

"Another" awful birthday? What's happened on previous occasions, OP?

Anyway, if I pretended to have forgotten my partner's birthday and then it turned out they’d been really upset, I’d be mortified and try to spend what was left of it making it up to them. His reaction is childish to say the least.

qqq82 · 14/03/2023 20:45

Part of me wonders if he has done this on purpose in order to orchestrate a breakup, knowing full well your reaction.

HyggeTygge · 14/03/2023 20:46

he smiled and hugged me and said “ as if I could forget” I told him that was horrible. He said “ have a bit of faith in me please” I reminded him how I feel so anxious on that day. He seems to think he was creating a surprise for me. He told me he thought I would laugh it off with him. He got SO angry saying I should know him better

That's so weird. So what, you were supposed to know/assume he was lying and pretend to go along with it, pretending to be sad/ not care? And you're the bad guy for taking him at face value? Yeah, fuck that.

Highdrama · 14/03/2023 20:48

Was he going to take you out as well?

PabsyPops · 14/03/2023 20:54

If he's that amazing.... call him and talk it through.

If he doesn't answer or call you back, it's probably over.

Original poster
Jaspertime · 14/03/2023 20:55

He said he booked a restaurant, but when we spoke earlier in the day he asked was I eating at home or with him. That really threw me. I said I would eat with him. When I later highlighted that to him, he said “ you’re fine you did-not need to dress up”

I’m so very very grateful to all you ladies for replying.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jaspertime · 14/03/2023 21:01

PabsyPops,

you know I thought I would contact him tomorrow regarding my stuff. I have not had many girls I could talk to about this. But after all these comments I’m seeing the light.

ALSo, we have a fully paid for holiday next month with another couple who are his friends. I have spoke to holiday company as I intend to go, he won’t he can afford to lose the money. However we can’t even get boarding cards as he is the lead passenger. Al so friends keeping very neutral on this, don’t blame them really

OP posts:
Highdrama · 14/03/2023 21:02

Are you saying you don’t believe he was going to take you to a restaurant?

I wonder what the presents were!

Anyway very weird and mean all round.

PabsyPops · 14/03/2023 21:04

If you want to try work it out, I wouldn't call for your stuff... I'd call him to talk

Original poster
Jaspertime · 14/03/2023 21:08

Ladies, thank you so much. I appreciate your views and comments, could you give him a call 😂😂

please continue with advise, it’s really helping me.I’ve been feeling guilty and I think ’ he thinks I’m a drama queen

OP posts:
MissingMoominMamma · 14/03/2023 21:12

He got it wrong, there’s no doubt about that, but then he tried to reassure you. He was probably really embarrassed about getting it so wrong.

Can’t you just ring him? Or text and ask whether you can meet up?

DrMeredithGrey2023 · 14/03/2023 21:16

I'm confused.

Is this your first birthday together?

Does he know the full extent of your history?

Original poster
Jaspertime · 14/03/2023 21:17

We communicated lots to each other every day so going this long seems like he has decided it’s over.

if you tell someone to go home, and they do, then where does that leave them
I’m scared to call and hear him tell me it’s all over. Yet I haven’t got a moments peace as my thoughts and emotions keep going in circles.

I really though I would text tomorrow night ask8ng if we can speak but I’m so scared of the outcome I

OP posts:
DrMeredithGrey2023 · 14/03/2023 21:20

Sorry, I've just reread the Op, I can see now you've been together for 4 years.

Is this the first thing he's done that has made you feel this way?

Maybe he genuinely was just trying to surprise you?

Original poster
Jaspertime · 14/03/2023 21:22

Hi that’s a great question. First birthday he text me happy birthday, never called me or arranged to take me out. He said from what I told him he thought I wanted to avoid my birthday and if I wanted to out I should have called him. We broke up and got back together in 48 hrs him saying he was sorry and got it wrong. Next bday was during lockdown. Last birthday was wonderful and I could not stop thanking him. Phone call in the morning, out to lunch, flowers and perfume.

this year pretend to forget?…

OP posts:
PabsyPops · 14/03/2023 21:38

Just call him now... stop torturing yourself

Original poster
Jaspertime · 14/03/2023 21:45

Gosh Im all over the place, before I reached out on here I thought I would contact him tomorrow evening .

Then all these replies made me think I should not feel I was to blame.

really who ever is right or wrong I consider life too short to hold on to it and not move forward.

But I’m so scared that this silence means I should read the signs that to him it’s over. I just can’t bare him confirming it . That’s the BIG a thing

OP posts: