Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Original poster

Help solve a dilemma

170 replies

Jaspertime · 14/03/2023 19:58

Going out of my mind, boyfriend of 4 yrs decided to pretend he forgot my birthday so he could surprise me when I called to his flat in the evening. He knows I have anxiety on this day due to past relationship always ignoring it.

i felt terrible all day as he never text, but did call and was casual.
he expected me to laugh it off in the evening, I couldn’t and told him it was not f ** funny. He told me to get out. It’s been 2 weeks no contact. I still have some belongings there, should I contact him to collect or does he do that. Incidentally I don’t want this to end. Please all advise very welcome, I feel really horrible

OP posts:

Jonesthebones · 14/03/2023 21:50

Did he not do anything for your birthday in lockdown either? Even if not possibly to physically meet up, did he post any gifts or flowers, send you nice food, anything? Or has he managed only one decent year out of four?

QueefQueen80s · 14/03/2023 21:51

I would give him another chance, his intentions were good.

LadyJ2023 · 14/03/2023 22:35

Erm I kindof think it's you thats over reacted sorry but your problems over your birthday aren't anybodyelses problems. It's fairly normal to have surprises for a birthday and to actually go and he has gifts for you and you couldn't make the effort to put aside your stress or hide it briefly and at least show some gratitude. If I was the bf I would feel like you had kicked me in the nuts that I'd gone to all that trouble and you acted so badly. Totally taken the happiness out of your birthday yourself. Oh and it's fairly normal for a person to forget if you would get stressed or not in the enjoyment of picking your gifts and planning a surprise to.

HyggeTygge · 14/03/2023 22:37

If I was the bf I would feel like you had kicked me in the nuts that I'd gone to all that trouble and you acted so badly

He spent the day lying to her then got angry because she'd believed him.

barmycatmum · 14/03/2023 22:41

I don’t feel like he deserves you to pour energy into reconciliation, sorry.
I feel he did a very cruel thing, and it’s a HUGE red flag.

Ofcourseshecan · 14/03/2023 22:46

The surprise was a misjudged joke, and he probably thought you’d be delighted. I might forgive that. But telling you to get out is seriously nasty.

Do you like him enough to take him back? If so, ask to meet him and talk it through.

Puppalicious · 14/03/2023 22:53

To be honest you seem pretty high maintenance over your birthday. What happened before to give you this level of anxiety over a birthday?

Original poster

Jaspertime · 15/03/2023 00:41

I know a birthday sounds very trivial. I was married to a narcissist, which at the time I did not know one one was. Every occasion he would ruin, either by ignoring it, being in a mood, being late, lots of underlying behaviours too long to go in to. Example a friend once called and offers to babysit if he wanted to book a meal for my 30th. He walked in to the living room telling me this and added but I told her you don’t like surprises. Don’t know why he said that, he never surprised me. Each occasion I accepted this was normal. Out of that marriage I could look back and see there was so much emotional abuse and control, but while you are in it you just try to get through. So I would be on edge if people asked what I was doing or if I got anything nice. I made up answers to keep people off the scent. When I met this guy, my life really changed and I was so happy. He knows my past

ladies I appreciate your comments whether they are for or against I really wanted to have an outside take on this. I still don’t know if he is expecting me to make contact because of my things

OP posts:

MaireadMcSweeney · 15/03/2023 03:52

LadyJ2023 · 14/03/2023 22:35

All the trouble of playing a nasty practical joke and making her think ALL DAY that he had forgotten? Yes what an amazing effort he made 🙄 honestly some people let men get away with less than the bare minimum and think they are princes for it

MaireadMcSweeney · 15/03/2023 03:53

Puppalicious · 14/03/2023 22:53

To be honest you seem pretty high maintenance over your birthday. What happened before to give you this level of anxiety over a birthday?

No she doesn't.

LilacLooRoll · 15/03/2023 03:59

It was a weird thing for him to do, and then to kick you out on your birthday rather than listen to you and reassure you just makes me think he’s a massive prick.

BatshitCrazyWoman · 15/03/2023 04:39

Puppalicious · 14/03/2023 22:53

To be honest you seem pretty high maintenance over your birthday. What happened before to give you this level of anxiety over a birthday?

OP says her birthday last year was good - flowers, a present and out to lunch. That seems like a pretty normal, not over-the-top way to spend a birthday to me!

SpookyBlackCat · 15/03/2023 04:51

All the stuff he said about how you should trust him and know him is a huge red flag for me. Surely it works both ways and he should know you well enough to know you wouldn’t have liked this surprise. I’m also shocked by his massive overreaction in kicking you out in your birthday. You deserve a lot better.

I think you need to find someone in real life who can come with you to pick up your stuff and sort out the holiday. They don’t have to take sides, but just give a little support and make sure he doesn’t kick off. I think you need to do it so you can at least draw a line under things.

maybeinanoter86 · 15/03/2023 05:59

Op he was horrible to you ! Do not think or do not let him think otherwise .
Are you sure he is all that nice ? People who have been in bad relationships will cling on to somone and think the sun shines out of their ass even when it doesn't.

Who the hell ruins someone's birthday all day ! But pretended they don't remember.

Your well rid and I know it's hard right now but you will find somone who will make you feel special on your birthday. Just like you should be able too x

Original poster

Jaspertime · 15/03/2023 05:59

Thank you ladies for comments.
it would be a no brainier but to end it. Except we were so happy and there really were NO problems of any kind. We did have a few bumps which his default is to finish. He had never been in a relationship where we talked things through and reached a resolve.

I do need clarity and if this is the end it feels like there in no finality to it
This post has been an enormous help and I wish I had come here sooner. Any more insights are extremely welcome

OP posts:

whowhatwerewhy · 15/03/2023 07:19

Well I'm going against the grain , sounds like a badly thought out prank . He probably thought after 4 years you would know he was nothing like your ex and hadn't realised you hadn't moved on from how you were treated.

Theredjellybean · 15/03/2023 07:28

I think you over reacted and your expectations of birthdays seems pretty high.
He misjudged something, and then you had a go at him.
I don't really get this level of anxiety over a birthday,so you've had a few shit ones before..why is it down to your partner to make up for those ?
Why don't you just plan a nice day for yourself if you feel your birthday needs this level of input.
Not sure why you couldn't just accept the fact it was an slightly badly thought out but not malintentioned idea .

Channellingsophistication · 15/03/2023 07:29

I think pretending to forget your birthday was odd and very misjudged. However, he could’ve reassured you it was a joke rather than telling you to get out. It was your birthday and he could be more sensitive.

You say you have had a great relationship with these years. Have you really?

WhenDovesFly · 15/03/2023 07:44

Even if it was a prank/joke, his behaviour afterwards is awful. Telling you to get out, and not calling you for two weeks since.

You say his default reaction to bumps in the relationship is to finish it. Has this changed over the four years? Has he made any effort to talk through any problems? If he hasn't then I'd consider that a red flag.

I'd maybe call him and ask him if he wants to calmly discuss what happened. If he doesn't want to talk about it and try to understand your concerns then red flag. Make sure you don't end up apologising to him though.

To be honest, the prank playing, the default to break up, the silence for two weeks - he sounds very immature and not worth the trouble.

anythinginapinch · 15/03/2023 08:01

He made a mistake. Now he feels hurt and ashamed probably. I'd absolutely give him another go if he's otherwise so decent. He was trying to celebrate you in a way different from last year. He wounds ok to me and I dont like men as a rule

WhineWhineWINE · 15/03/2023 08:05

"He got SO angry saying I should know him better."

Surely he should know YOU better and realise how upset you would be?? All your fault is it? Not nice.

DatingDinosaur · 15/03/2023 08:21

What’s wrong with planning a surprise birthday? The whole point of doing something like that is keeping it secret until the Big Reveal. It’s not malicious lying on his part and maybe your reaction is hyper-sensitivity because of your past experience?

No, he shouldn’t have got angry but if it was frustrated-angry because he’d planned a nice surprise and you have a go at him then in the heat of the moment I can understand it.

As I see it, the ball’s in your court to contact him and apologise for your behaviour and ask when is the best time to collect your things. With a bit of luck, he’ll apologise for yelling, you’ll both talk about it. There’ll be a few tears. And you’ll make up.

It might be worth having some therapy to look into why you’re tarring all men with the same brush as your narc ex.

GoldDuster · 15/03/2023 08:26

we were so happy and there really were NO problems of any kind. We did have a few bumps which his default is to finish.

If you've had a few bumps which have led to you to split up several times. This is the second time you've split up on your birthday.

At best, he doesn't understand you and thinks that his enjoyment of laughing to himself all day is good value at the expense of you spending your birthday being ignored by him.

In terms of what you do now, I wouldn't wait and let him decide. The fact that he told you to get out, after his childish prank that went wrong and bruised his ego, on your birthday and hasn't been in touch for two weeks tells you what you need to know.

If you have items at his house that you want back be business like and ask him to drop them at a mutual friends if you don't want to see him, or arrange a time to pick them up and ask him to have them ready at the door if you can't face going in.

I think that this is over, be honest with yourself about why rather than painting a perfect picture of how it's been, as that won't help you.

SpookyBlackCat · 15/03/2023 08:41

A lot of people don't like surprises. The problem is not that he got it wrong, but his massive overreaction to it. He could have texted an apology at any time in the past few weeks.

If the OP does get back together with him again, she'll be walking on eggshells wondering when he's next going to get mad and dump her over something minor again.

Schnooze · 15/03/2023 08:47

EliflurtleTripanInfinite · 14/03/2023 20:36

If he was truly amazing he would have felt horrible for hurting you like this and apologised straight away.

This

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7