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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help solve a dilemma

170 replies

Jaspertime · 14/03/2023 19:58

Going out of my mind, boyfriend of 4 yrs decided to pretend he forgot my birthday so he could surprise me when I called to his flat in the evening. He knows I have anxiety on this day due to past relationship always ignoring it.

i felt terrible all day as he never text, but did call and was casual.
he expected me to laugh it off in the evening, I couldn’t and told him it was not f ** funny. He told me to get out. It’s been 2 weeks no contact. I still have some belongings there, should I contact him to collect or does he do that. Incidentally I don’t want this to end. Please all advise very welcome, I feel really horrible

OP posts:
Original poster
Jaspertime · 15/03/2023 16:40

Bookworm 20, thank you I loved your advise.

this is my first time using this site, so I’m not sure how to reply to certain posting. I hit the answer button but it displays out of sequence

appreciating everyone’s help and I will update this evening.

OP posts:
Truelyfuckedoff · 15/03/2023 16:46

I have to say reading your ages I am shocked as it does sound juvenile but look the only thing you can do is call him and talk. Do not let this fester longer if you want to salvage things.

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 15/03/2023 16:48

Theredfoxfliesatmidnight · 15/03/2023 14:22

I think you were shitty to him; and I think you should be careful about relying so heavily on the reinforcement of anonymous women on a forum (yes he did it on purpose, what a bastard, leave him). How is that helpful in helping you move forward, with what you accept is your own baggage, from your own exes. With a man who you have described as amazing, who planned a special night for you, with presents. He was trying to show how different he was and to do something nice. But sure, fuck him off, go home and feel sorry for yourself because all men are arseholes.

Yes he was misguided and this was worth a conversation. However I'm not sure why you went round in the first place? He told you he forgot your birthday. In which case you should have said this is unacceptable to me of course I'm not seeing you tonight. Instead you trot over expecting cards and balloons and get cards and balloons, but you're still miserable.

You've also showed him you have no faith or trust in him as he said how could I forget (sweet and romantic) but instead you chose to assume he was a shitbag and take out the anger you feel at your exes, on him.

I think this episode is worth a little self reflection. Sure you can choose to listen to the LTB brigade but how is that going to help you function in a relationship with a normal, nice, occasionally fallible man going forward.

Come off it, he got angry with her, ordered her to leave his flat, & has totally blanked her for 2 weeks.

That's not "fallibility", it's an arrogant refusal to accept responsibility for his actions upsetting OP, then doubling down & punishing her by ruining her evening as well as her whole day.

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 15/03/2023 16:55

Because I know that apart from this, we were blissfully happy. I doted on him and was happy to do so. He was equally the same with me.

No you weren't.
He finished with you whenever you had a disagreement & didn't immediately kowtow to him.
We did have a few bumps which his default is to finish. He had never been in a relationship where we talked things through and reached a resolve.

billy1966 · 15/03/2023 17:36

OP,

I am with @MaireadMcSweeney and others who thinks he's behaved appallingly.

He knows your history and created a dynamic where he plainly knew you would be very upset for the day and has a tantrum when you are rightly upset.

You have another nasty prick on your hands.

Normal decent men do not want their partner upset on their birthday for their own entertainment.

Nasty losers do.

He's showed you his nasty side.
Ignoring you for two weeks after ordering you out of his home?

God love you if you think this is normal behaviour.

He's a nasty twat.

Ask someone to collect your stuff and do not accept this behaviour.

You deserve so much better.

Good men do not behave like this, let me assure you of that.

Someone who genuinely cares about you wouldn't dream of wanting you upset on your birthday for a surprise moment later.

Screams to me of another narcissistic type.

I'm sor sorry for your upset, but hes not a good 'un.

GoldDuster · 15/03/2023 19:52

he stood and folded his arms and smiled saying “ I bet you were fuming, you had a face like thunder all morning”

I can't really get past this bit. He face timed you on the morning of your birthday and pretended he had forgotten, and let you spend the rest of your day thinking that was the case. On seeing your "face like thunder" or upset, he didn't rethink his hilarious practical joke? Instead he enjoyed the thought of you fuming all day, just so he he could.... give you the two presents he might have got you anyway?

It's like something a child might do, he's just displaying any emotional intelligence or joined up thinking really.

A birthday surprise might be, card and flowers in the morning, saying you'll be going out for dinner in the evening, and when you get to the restaurant there's a big table of friends there etc. That's a birthday surprise.

Not leaving you to spend your birthday upset by pretending he's.... forgotten your birthday? I don't get what's fun about that, unless the fun is for him and he's a bit of a sadist.

Original poster
Jaspertime · 15/03/2023 20:23

Thank you Goldduster.

I had planned to text him at 8pm this evening and the build up all day has been terrible as I try to think what he may say. I have actually experienced a panic attack which it’s was a terrible experience. I can’t believe I have turned in to such jelly

OP posts:
PabsyPops · 15/03/2023 20:59

Put on your big girl pants and call him. There's no point torturing yourself and dragging this on.

OneMoreCookieMonster · 15/03/2023 21:01

I honestly don't get it. How can it get this fsr down the line without either of you contacting each other. It'd not really working is it?

Original poster
Jaspertime · 15/03/2023 21:07

If I text and suggest we speak and he agrees, what do I start with without re igniting it

OP posts:
PabsyPops · 15/03/2023 21:11

Ask him how he's been, ask him about your stuff, ask him if he wants you to pick it up or if he wants to talk about what happened..

But also... do you want to be with this man?

If you do, fight for it

PabsyPops · 15/03/2023 21:12

And don't "re ignite anything" - have a grown up conversation like adults

Original poster
Jaspertime · 15/03/2023 21:25

I’ve messaged, not seen yet

OP posts:
Original poster
Jaspertime · 15/03/2023 22:08

Message not seen, I’m exhausted I will update tomorrow
thnak you every one for spending time with me on this, it’s been incredibly helpful

OP posts:
Mumsanetta · 15/03/2023 22:25

There is not much to add to what previous posters have said - your BF has red flags written all over him. If you want to go back to him, so be it, but be prepared for even more episodes like this in your future as going back will be telling him that he can treat you appallingly, ignore you for two weeks and you will come back running, meek, with your tail between your legs.
Separately, I think you would benefit from counselling to help you identify what healthy behaviour in a relationship looks like. I suspect your experience with your ex has warped your sense of what a good, nurturing relationship looks like.

Fraaahnces · 15/03/2023 23:54

I think you need to give some serious thought to your own value if you have a panic attack because of a text. His silence has been telling. He has been punishing you - or he has broken up with you and hasn’t said so. Either way, he’s a cruel, game-playing bastard and EVERYONE deserves to be treated with more respect than that.

SpookyBlackCat · 16/03/2023 02:25

The age thing actually makes more sense to me. My dad can be a bit of a stubborn git when he’s wrong too. Not to this extent though!

I just think it’s sad that he’d rather end the relationship and treat you like this than admit he’s wrong. I worry that if you get back together with him that you’ll be walking on eggshells trying to avoid upsetting him so he doesn’t dump you again. You deserve better than that!

xPissflapsx · 16/03/2023 08:01

I hope you are feeling abit better today after a good night sleep.

xPissflapsx · 16/03/2023 08:01

I hope you are feeling abit better today after a good night sleep.

Bookworm20 · 16/03/2023 08:40

I hope you are ok today. If he hasn't replied or replied with something curt and dissmissive its going to hurt like hell. But remember, you didn't do anything wrong, you got upset by something HE did. And the something he did was something he already knew would cause you distress.

So just remember that. If it hasn't worked out well, thats all on him and you are much better off without someone who can intenionally cause you distress and then punish you for it.

I really hope thats not the case and he was just as heartbroken as you and being a stubborn arse. And I hope he has apologised. But if not, move on with your head held high and the knowledge you are not the bad guy in all this.

Original poster
Jaspertime · 16/03/2023 11:58

he did not read message until this morning and replied straight away saying he will call at 8 tonight.

I wonder if he regrets anything

I will update

OP posts:
Fraaahnces · 16/03/2023 14:52

He’s leaving you dangling again. I’m sorry, but I think he plays games.
Please be on guard at all times. Don’t react emotionally. Breathe and let him talk. Instead of asking “Why? What did I do?” Turn it around immediately.
Why do you think you act this way?

LookItsMeAgain · 16/03/2023 15:21

My honest advice is being alone (and I don't mean being lonely) would be preferable to being with this person.
I realise that you've invested 4 years of your life in this relationship but from what I have read, he turned the first birthday into a non-event and this most recent birthday of yours he turns into something about him even though it was you with the anxiety and you with the birthday and his arsing around that added to your anxiety. If he really was the man for you, he would be the one (after a few hours or so) to have called you, to have apologised to you, to have come after you to try to explain, to have come after you to try to rescue the situation. Has he done any of that? I seriously doubt it.
You are waiting for scraps from his table when it comes to his affection towards you.
You deserve so much better than him.

When he phones you at 8, tell him you want to arrange a time to collect your belongings.

Even if you want to try again, don't leave your belongings in his home. Treat it as a complete fresh start. I mean you wouldn't move in with someone you just met on day 1 so treat the whole relationship as though you are starting over, back to the very beginning and you're getting to know one another again.

Better yet, move on and find someone that you really love and that doesn't exacerbate your anxiety and turn it around on you on your birthday. You are worth more than that!

PabsyPops · 16/03/2023 16:26

Is there a reason he's leaving it till 8? Does he have work / family commitments etc or is he just leaving you hanging all day?

Original poster
Jaspertime · 16/03/2023 16:52

Actually he said he would call at 6, as that would mean I was in from work.
he doesn’t know I am on leave today.
he always calls me at 8 so I suggested to call then
I went to bed last night and turned off my phone, I needed to sleep.
I only turned it back on when I was showered and ready for it. By then he had text twice and then sent a voice recording as he thought there was something wrong with his phone.

OP posts: