Page 7 | Help solve a dilemma

Jaspertime · 2023-03-14T19:58:25+00:00

Going out of my mind, boyfriend of 4 yrs decided to pretend he forgot my birthday so he could surprise me when I called to his flat in the evening. He knows I have anxiety on this day due to past relationship always ignoring it. i felt terrible all day as he never text, but did call and was casual. he expected me to laugh it off in the evening, I couldn’t and told him it was not f ** funny. He told me to get out. It’s been 2 weeks no contact. I still have some belongings there, should I contact him to collect or does he do that. Incidentally I don’t want this to end. Please all advise very welcome, I feel really horrible

JackieQueen · 16/03/2023 22:51

Well done op. Good luck for the future 💐

xPissflapsx · 17/03/2023 06:23

You've done amazing! Proud of you. Good luck for the future 🙂

rainbowstardrops · 17/03/2023 06:38

Well done! The relief from you oozes from your updates since you spoke to him. Onwards and upwards!

EggBlanket · 17/03/2023 06:46

I’ve just read almost the whole thread and I appear to be the only person who thinks the OP has massively over reacted.

He clearly spent a lot of time and effort planning a surprise - he bought presents and booked a restaurant which is more than a lot of people would do. Perhaps the surprise was ill-judged but everyone here seems to think it was malicious. This is a couple who have been in a happy relationship for 4 years by the OPs own admission and you’ve all advised her to throw it all away based on one very minor lack of judgement.

It’s not normal to have such emotional hang-ups about your birthday as the OP seems to have. How could her partner have possibly known she would react so strongly? In her shoes I would have been mildly annoyed but would have got over it pretty quickly when I saw the effort he had actually gone to. Also, I would have been at work all day anyway so hardly dwelling on the fact that it was my birthday. Also, do birthdays really mean that much when you’re in your 60s? I’m in my 40s and they’re a bit of a non-event.

Honestly, I can’t believe a good relationship has been thrown away for such a minor mistake and I can’t believe how much everyone here has encouraged the OP to do it.

marchella · 17/03/2023 07:18

EggBlanket · 17/03/2023 06:46

I’ve just read almost the whole thread and I appear to be the only person who thinks the OP has massively over reacted.

He clearly spent a lot of time and effort planning a surprise - he bought presents and booked a restaurant which is more than a lot of people would do. Perhaps the surprise was ill-judged but everyone here seems to think it was malicious. This is a couple who have been in a happy relationship for 4 years by the OPs own admission and you’ve all advised her to throw it all away based on one very minor lack of judgement.

It’s not normal to have such emotional hang-ups about your birthday as the OP seems to have. How could her partner have possibly known she would react so strongly? In her shoes I would have been mildly annoyed but would have got over it pretty quickly when I saw the effort he had actually gone to. Also, I would have been at work all day anyway so hardly dwelling on the fact that it was my birthday. Also, do birthdays really mean that much when you’re in your 60s? I’m in my 40s and they’re a bit of a non-event.

Honestly, I can’t believe a good relationship has been thrown away for such a minor mistake and I can’t believe how much everyone here has encouraged the OP to do it.

I'm with you.
Total over reaction. I thought you were in your 20's OP and was going to tell you to grow up! What did you for his birthday btw? Gosh I don't know how some people get through the day.

PabsyPops · 17/03/2023 07:35

EggBlanket · 17/03/2023 06:46

I’ve just read almost the whole thread and I appear to be the only person who thinks the OP has massively over reacted.

He clearly spent a lot of time and effort planning a surprise - he bought presents and booked a restaurant which is more than a lot of people would do. Perhaps the surprise was ill-judged but everyone here seems to think it was malicious. This is a couple who have been in a happy relationship for 4 years by the OPs own admission and you’ve all advised her to throw it all away based on one very minor lack of judgement.

It’s not normal to have such emotional hang-ups about your birthday as the OP seems to have. How could her partner have possibly known she would react so strongly? In her shoes I would have been mildly annoyed but would have got over it pretty quickly when I saw the effort he had actually gone to. Also, I would have been at work all day anyway so hardly dwelling on the fact that it was my birthday. Also, do birthdays really mean that much when you’re in your 60s? I’m in my 40s and they’re a bit of a non-event.

Honestly, I can’t believe a good relationship has been thrown away for such a minor mistake and I can’t believe how much everyone here has encouraged the OP to do it.

I agree - sometimes I think MN is full of people who want your relationship to fail.

I think if the relationship was that good, you fight for it. Gosh people get through much worse.

Highdrama · 17/03/2023 08:00

I feel a bit sorry for him now I see he’s nearly 70. Maybe he just misjudged it. When I read your op I thought he was tight and he was just trying to get out of doing anything for your birthday.

You refer to your 30th birthday in a previous post!

LookItsMeAgain · 17/03/2023 08:06

Why are you allowing him more time before you get your belongings back?
You've been with him for 4 years so he knows what you're like. I'd actually insist that the delay is unacceptable and that so long as he doesn't hang around, he could go out for a quick walk, you'll need no longer than an hour to gather your stuff back up and then you're done.
He's keeping you dangling.
Not acceptable in my book.

Original poster

Jaspertime · 17/03/2023 08:14

I get what you are saying ladies. I spent most of my birthdays as a non entity. You possibly have not had people do this to you, if it happens you know it’s not nice and you feel invisible. When I met him we shared our past and he told me “ your life is going to change”. It really did and I came alive. Often people reflect back to a particular birthday and I’m always in awe of the show they went to or how everyone gathered or how it was celebrated. I always skimmed over this subject when anyone asked me. My ex husband is narcissist and I’ve read loads about it and one thing they do is cause upset on birthdays and Christmas, strange but so true.they like the control over your emotions. Anyway that’s way back in the past and all I can say is I still feel very anxious around my birthday with a low level feeling of dread. So the hardest bit was when my new Man played this joke. I told him it was horrible and I still hugged him and would have got passed that. When he told me I must have been fuming and had a face like thunder, that was the real blow because he was aware and continued
I would have salvaged this still because I really seen my life with him, plus that’s what he always told me. I was ready to forgive forget and go forward. He ended it and although he said he did not mean to upset me he never apologised. The week before we were out with friends at dinner and she said it’s your birthday next week what are you doing. He swayed backwards in the chair and said “ a surprise” this was planned for over a week.

OP posts:

Original poster

Jaspertime · 17/03/2023 08:42

Highdrama · Today 08:00
I feel a bit sorry for him now I see he’s nearly 70. Maybe he just misjudged it. When I read your op I thought he was tight and he was just trying to get out of doing anything for your birthday.

You refer to your 30th birthday in a previous post!

Hi yes, I did I was trying to give an example. Someone asked what I did for his birthday. If I was not with him, I text happy birthday with Giff early morning and phoned him. Plans were already made which he was aware of what we were doing so he could be ready etc. last year his bday fell on a Saturday, so I was with him in the morning. When we woke I told him of the plans, he wanted to change the restaurant, so I did. I also sent a bday request to the radio station we liked and made sure we did not miss it being aired. I also recorded the message so he could hear it again.

OP posts:

Strainzer · 17/03/2023 08:45

@Jaspertime just read the thread and him finding it funny that you were upset on your birthday, even without the history he knew of, is incredible. I'm not sure how some people think this is okay.

And then he made his own feelings more important then yours and kicked you out on your birthday because he couldn't have a conversation about it?

Then ghosts you and doesn't apologize?

You've done well to dodge this bullet.

Plan the perfect birthday for yourself next year and treat yourself to things you enjoy free from people who take pleasure from your distress.

billy1966 · 17/03/2023 09:51

Someone who enjoys your upset and dismay on your birthday, knowingly caused by their behaviour is NOT someone to waste your time with.

He sounds awful and also a bit useless.

How well he quickly asked that you remain friends and useful to him🙄.

You are well rid.

In a few years he will be looking for a carer🙄.

At 61 why would you be signing up to be a nurse for the likes of him.

I reckon you haven't seen the last of him.

His neediness will probably pop up and he will be onto you when he needs help again🙄.

Get your stuff back and don't waste a moment of YOUR time being upset with him.

Smile and move on.
Him and his nasty sense of humour are in your rear mirror.

HIS loss.😁

EggBlanket · 17/03/2023 09:58

Jaspertime · 17/03/2023 08:14

I get what you are saying ladies. I spent most of my birthdays as a non entity. You possibly have not had people do this to you, if it happens you know it’s not nice and you feel invisible. When I met him we shared our past and he told me “ your life is going to change”. It really did and I came alive. Often people reflect back to a particular birthday and I’m always in awe of the show they went to or how everyone gathered or how it was celebrated. I always skimmed over this subject when anyone asked me. My ex husband is narcissist and I’ve read loads about it and one thing they do is cause upset on birthdays and Christmas, strange but so true.they like the control over your emotions. Anyway that’s way back in the past and all I can say is I still feel very anxious around my birthday with a low level feeling of dread. So the hardest bit was when my new Man played this joke. I told him it was horrible and I still hugged him and would have got passed that. When he told me I must have been fuming and had a face like thunder, that was the real blow because he was aware and continued
I would have salvaged this still because I really seen my life with him, plus that’s what he always told me. I was ready to forgive forget and go forward. He ended it and although he said he did not mean to upset me he never apologised. The week before we were out with friends at dinner and she said it’s your birthday next week what are you doing. He swayed backwards in the chair and said “ a surprise” this was planned for over a week.

You’re judging him based on your experience of a narcissist which isn’t fair. He’s not your ex and he’s also not your “new man” - you’ve been happily in a relationship with him for 4 years! He planned a surprise for your birthday, admittedly a slightly misjudged one, and you massively over reacted. To be honest OP you’ve been incredibly childish and over sensitive. I’m not surprised he didn’t get back in touch with him. If anyone should be reaching out and apologizing it’s you.

People are saying he’s ghosted you, but equally you didn’t reach out to him. In his eyes you were ungrateful and over reacted so I wouldn’t be surprised if he wasn’t waiting for an apology.

I really can’t believe you’re prepared to throw away a 4 year relationship over something so trivial.

LookItsMeAgain · 17/03/2023 10:10

Don't listen to @EggBlanket.

You are doing the right thing for you.

He didn't reach out to you during the intervening two weeks. He could have. He didn't.

He's making you wait to get your belongings.
He dealt with your birthday surprise really badly knowing what he does about your anxiety.
He made a point about you turning off your phone to be about his phone.

He's not going to change. This is who he is.

Wish him well with his life and move on.

EggBlanket · 17/03/2023 10:14

LookItsMeAgain · 17/03/2023 10:10

Don't listen to @EggBlanket.

You are doing the right thing for you.

He didn't reach out to you during the intervening two weeks. He could have. He didn't.

He's making you wait to get your belongings.
He dealt with your birthday surprise really badly knowing what he does about your anxiety.
He made a point about you turning off your phone to be about his phone.

He's not going to change. This is who he is.

Wish him well with his life and move on.

People on mumsnet love to see the downfall of relationships. It is not a healthy place for relationship advice.

PabsyPops · 17/03/2023 12:17

LookItsMeAgain · 17/03/2023 10:10

Don't listen to @EggBlanket.

You are doing the right thing for you.

He didn't reach out to you during the intervening two weeks. He could have. He didn't.

He's making you wait to get your belongings.
He dealt with your birthday surprise really badly knowing what he does about your anxiety.
He made a point about you turning off your phone to be about his phone.

He's not going to change. This is who he is.

Wish him well with his life and move on.

He didn't necessarily make the "phone" thing about him... don't forget this male is almost 70 years old... he may not know whose phone was the issue. OP has already said he asks her for technical advice on things so he's clearly not that tech savvy.

GoldDuster · 17/03/2023 13:13

Well rid. He was waiting for you to come back cap in hand, and when you did make a move to make contact he told you it was too late? Let him find someone else that will dance to his tune, I'm really glad it's not going to be you.

Don't let him use your belongings to keep a hook into you. Beware him blowing in with a load of lovebombing any minute to lure you back.

Well rid OP.

Bunnyishotandcross · 17/03/2023 13:52

My exh's (2) used to ruin anything that was supposed to be a positive thing for me.
Like a bike for the Christmas I was mid way during pregnancy..
Or the posh alcohol when I was bf and never drank that much anyway..
When I had decided I was moving out after Christmas we had the day for the dc and had agreed no gifts.. He did buy me a gift. Presumably to make me feel bad if I had indeed gone no gifts.... He had no gifts and was fuming and miffed he got nowt.. I left the gift when I left..

SpookyBlackCat · 17/03/2023 14:25

So he was expecting you to come running after him and fix everything? I’m still shocked he threw away the relationship over something so small but more fool him. You deserve better. Well done on standing up for yourself and not agreeing to the ‘friends’ thing as that sounds a nightmare.

MyfavouriteisA · 17/03/2023 15:10

What is happening about your holiday next month?