Page 3 | Help solve a dilemma

AltitudeCheck · 15/03/2023 08:48

It sounds like a badly judged attempt at a surprise and I wouldn't end it over that, I think your birthday baggage is your problem rather than his.

But... His reaction afterwards sounds very avoidant, he'd rather shut down/ escape from the emotional confrontation than work through it. That is a problem, it's a very immature way to deal with things and likely something he learned in childhood. Having a parent who withdraws affection or gives the silent treatment as a punishment can really fuck up how you handle conflict as adult.

If you really care about him and want this relationship to work you might need to be the one to reach out initially. Once you've reconnected there's a lot to work through and he needs to start working on issues if he's to learn how to handle conflict in future.

AlisonDonut · 15/03/2023 08:49

The dilemma is what exactly?

Call him up and say you'd like to come and pick up your stuff so if he could bag it up for you that would be great.

The relationship is dead by the way. You and him are not compatible.

Schnooze · 15/03/2023 08:50

We did have a few bumps which his default is to finish. He had never been in a relationship where we talked things through and reached a resolve.

So this could just be emotional immaturity and solvable by actually talking? But I’m concerned that the reaching a resolve in the past was actually you, rather than him, compromising? If so, run a mile.

Annabananna1 · 15/03/2023 08:57

Weird that he reacted like that.
If he really cared, he would have contacted you in the two weeks since.

It's hard to believe there were no other issues if you two can just go two weeks without speaking or even end a relationship over this.

It would be my guess that he is somewhat controlling and wants you to be anxiously replaying what you did wrong until you start grovelling to get him back. Meanwhile his apology for a rubbish prank and then getting overly cross with you mysteriously got lost in the post.

purpledalmation · 15/03/2023 08:59

You sound like hard work. Your bf wasn't to know you would react the way you did because of past experiences. It's not an unusual thing to do and most people would realise the work the partner had put in to set up this surprise and the disappointment would dissolve.

I personally wouldn't like it much as I don't like surprises of any sort, but I wouldn't kick off and swear at someone who was standing there pleased with all his lovely surprises.

I would be concerned about someone's who just ends a relationship without discussing the reasons.

MaireadMcSweeney · 15/03/2023 09:07

anythinginapinch · 15/03/2023 08:01

He made a mistake. Now he feels hurt and ashamed probably. I'd absolutely give him another go if he's otherwise so decent. He was trying to celebrate you in a way different from last year. He wounds ok to me and I dont like men as a rule

He's ignored her for the past 2 weeks - if he was decent and ashamed he would have called her to apologise before now.

MaireadMcSweeney · 15/03/2023 09:08

DatingDinosaur · 15/03/2023 08:21

What’s wrong with planning a surprise birthday? The whole point of doing something like that is keeping it secret until the Big Reveal. It’s not malicious lying on his part and maybe your reaction is hyper-sensitivity because of your past experience?

No, he shouldn’t have got angry but if it was frustrated-angry because he’d planned a nice surprise and you have a go at him then in the heat of the moment I can understand it.

As I see it, the ball’s in your court to contact him and apologise for your behaviour and ask when is the best time to collect your things. With a bit of luck, he’ll apologise for yelling, you’ll both talk about it. There’ll be a few tears. And you’ll make up.

It might be worth having some therapy to look into why you’re tarring all men with the same brush as your narc ex.

This wasn't a surprise birthday it was a practical joke.

MumToTooManyBoys · 15/03/2023 09:09

Nope you don't want to stay in this relationship. Leave for good

MaireadMcSweeney · 15/03/2023 09:12

purpledalmation · 15/03/2023 08:59

You sound like hard work. Your bf wasn't to know you would react the way you did because of past experiences. It's not an unusual thing to do and most people would realise the work the partner had put in to set up this surprise and the disappointment would dissolve.

I personally wouldn't like it much as I don't like surprises of any sort, but I wouldn't kick off and swear at someone who was standing there pleased with all his lovely surprises.

I would be concerned about someone's who just ends a relationship without discussing the reasons.

A surprise would be pretending they were going to have a quiet night in on her birthday and secretly arranging a party. This wasn't a surprise it was a mean prank. He literally ignored her birthday all day and pretended he forgot. Who would enjoy that?

rainbowstardrops · 15/03/2023 09:17

It was a potentially ill thought out 'joke' but his behaviour after and since says more I think.
I'd call and say you need your things.

CrotchetyQuaver · 15/03/2023 09:23

I think if you've not heard from him by now then it's over and you need to decide what you do with your stuff at his place.

I think you should also work on yourself so this birthday issue isn't such a big deal for you in the future.

I do think he was wrong to pretend he had forgotten by the way and he should have apologised to you. The fact he hasn't makes me wonder if he could have engineered it all as a break up, but that would be really horrible of him (and a lot of effort to go to, so I can't decide)

maddy68 · 15/03/2023 09:35

It was a misjudged suprise. He's not a bad person. It was a faux paux.

He thought he was doing something nice for you and it back fired

I do feel your anxiety has a lot to play in this

Original poster

Jaspertime · 15/03/2023 09:35

Gosh, thank you all so much.
just to be clear, when I arrived he smiled, we hugged etc.
what made me tell him it was not f .. funny was when he stood and folded his arms and smiled saying “ I bet you were fuming, you had a face like thunder all morning” ( we had face timed) so my upset was he seen I was upset and that was ok. I get his game plan, that he needed to plant that idea in my head and the actual surprise was seeing presents in the kitchen and saying how could I forget.

I am going to text him tonight and ask if we can speak at 8.
im trying to prepare for his reaction, though I just don’t know what to expect.

I will return with an update,
Meanwhile any advice is greatly received.I cannot explain how helpful I have found this thread. I wish I had come here sooner, I just didn’t think of it, but I was desperate to talk to someone. BIG thanks yous to all of you

OP posts:

SpookyBlackCat · 15/03/2023 09:50

Good luck for the phone call!

Original poster

Jaspertime · 15/03/2023 10:03

thank you,
incidentally, he always asked me to remind him to send birthday text in the mornings to his family, which I did.
I would help him get presents and wrap them, whereas he wanted his Amazon parcel to be delivered to them. He said I was good at remembering things like that. I always replied I like to bother for people as I know what’s it like when people don’t.

I get people saying I need to work on my issues around this. I just assumed my birthday would be similar to last year. Low key, just the 2 of us but really lovely and I loved it.

OP posts:

Fraaahnces · 15/03/2023 10:17

I’m sorry, but he sounds a bit of an Andrew Tate fan to me. Why the fuck would he deliberately do this to you…. Twice? He’s training you to be grateful for crumbs.

Original poster

Jaspertime · 15/03/2023 10:20

I’m shocked by how quickly he got angry. And all this is out of character He was lovely at Valentines and Christmas, never forgot anything and treated me well, as I did him

i just wish I could roll back time.

OP posts:

GoldDuster · 15/03/2023 10:24

smiled saying “ I bet you were fuming, you had a face like thunder all morning”

This isn't a birthday suprise, love, he's fucking with you for his own entertainment.

he always asked me to remind him to send birthday text in the mornings to his family, which I did. I would help him get presents and wrap them,

Find someone who gives a shit about his friends and family, they'll be more likely to give a shit about you. The signs are there.

Bunnyishotandcross · 15/03/2023 10:33

He wanted you to be so so grateful he remembered your birthday and when you weren't he went mad. What a twat op. If he truly cared your entire day would have even lovely. The fact he managed to be great last year means imo he didn't feel you were grateful enough and this was his punishment to you..
Aren't you too old for this crap op? Whenever my ex was a twat he threatened to leave and it ended up being me apologising... The day he was an Utter Cunt and I threw him out was very therapeutic.. Take control of your life op.
Ltb.

Natty13 · 15/03/2023 11:10

maddy68 · 15/03/2023 09:35

It was a misjudged suprise. He's not a bad person. It was a faux paux.

He thought he was doing something nice for you and it back fired

I do feel your anxiety has a lot to play in this

If you make a faux pas with the best of intentions you are usually mortified if it backfires and apologetic. You don't kick off, ask the person to leave (on their bday!) and then ignore them for weeks.

It's just immature and really low emotional intelligence behaviour all round from him.

My DH had accidentally upset me like this before we were married in similar circumstances and whenever he realised I was upset he was super kind and gentle with me despite probably being hurt and disappointed his good intention back fired.

It's so obvious that this man wanted to make the surprise all about him. He was probably so caught up in thinking how good he would look he didn't once stop to think the OP would feel crushed all day thinking he forgot. Is that a nice man you'd want to spend your life with? Then when she got upset instead of comforting and reassuring her his words were "don't you know me well enough"- again, all about him. I'd have replied "don't YOU know ME well enough?!" Then the nail in the coffin is ignoring for 2 weeks, no attempt at contact for a relationship of 4 years. He has had about 350 hours to reflect on this and yet has chosen to not apologise, not try to make amends or reach out in any way. Overall this points to a a man who is egotistical, puts his own wants above others, poor emotional awareness, stubborn.

What are the things you left at his? I'd write to him via letter, email or text and explain that you spent every minute of your birthday crushed and upset that he forgot it. You told him about your past and would have expected he'd know you well enough to know how much it would upset you. The surprises and presents he planned, whatever they were never going to be enough to get over spending your whole birthday day devastated and sad. Then ignoring you for 2 weeks clearly shows he isn't interested in sorting anything out or seeing your side. You'd appreciate it if he could arrange a date for you to collect your clothes/jewellery/hair things you left at his.

Isheabastard · 15/03/2023 11:28

I feel your pain. I had something similar happen to me when I was a child.

I was about 12 or 13 and the night before my birthday my mum (single mother) pretended she had forgotten about my birthday. “Oh no, I’ve forgotten it’s your birthday tomorrow and I haven’t got you anything”

I don’t think I reacted and just went to bed really heartbroken. When I woke in the morning I of course got a present. It was a tennis racquet I had wanted for a long time. But I couldn’t shake off the misery and I know my mother was disappointed by my lack lustre behaviour in the morning.

I went to school,told them I was ill and spent the whole day of my birthday lying in the sick bed. I never told my mother this. And yes I do know I have problems regulating my emotions.

If you look at what happened to you, you will see that the big birthday surprise was all about him. He was looking forward to your joy and gratitude when you realised he was such a great guy after all and hadn’t forgot your birthday. It truly was only about him. He obviously has no empathy otherwise he would have understood what it is like to think your DP has forgotten your birthday. His reaction when things didn’t go his way says it all really.

I used to be married for a long time to someone like this. Everything got turned around to why it was my fault and I was too sensitive, but mostly not grateful enough. I too thought he was a great guy, until I realised him feeling great depended on him making me feel shit.

I think your DP might have done you a favour by revealing his true colours so early on. Have a really hard look at the relationship from the start and you may realise that a lot of things he did for you were about making him feel good, not you.

SeaToSki · 15/03/2023 11:28

If every time he has a problem in a relationship he cuts off and hides, then that is the problem long term more than anything else.

He could be the nicest man in the world, but every relationship is going to have bumps and disagreements and its how you work through them together over the long term that makes a relationship great.

If you call him, that is what I would focus on rather than the specific details of who did/said what for the birthday surprise/ambush. If he tries to derail and focus on the what you did/said, try using the phrase “but that is not the issue here, its that you dont seem able to deal with disagreements between us and resolve them by talking them through in the moment, why is that? What can you do about that?”

Original poster

Jaspertime · 15/03/2023 11:38

Dear. SeaToSki

If you call him, that is what I would focus on rather than the specific details of who did/said what for the birthday surprise/ambush. If he tries to derail and focus on the what you did/said, try using the phrase “but that is not the issue here, its that you dont seem able to deal with disagreements between us and resolve them by talking them through in the moment, why is that? What can you do about that?”

WOW, I like that a lot.

I wanted to talk through it at the time. I said I wanted to open my presents when we were both calm. But he told me to before he would say stuff he would regret. So I left, never thinking this time would pass.

Im wondering what he was holding back from saying. At that point did he consider this would be the end

I feel as bad today knowing I will make contact tonight, as I did all day on Bday
So anxious, then calm , then anxious and trying to imagine his responses

OP posts:

GoldDuster · 15/03/2023 12:15

I'm not sure what you're expecting from this phonecall, but I wouldn't get your hopes up. I doubt his ability to communicate has improved much if at all in the two weeks since he kicked you out on your birthday.

The last thing he said to you was that you should leave before he would say stuff he would regret.

Honestly, I think you're barking up the wrong tree with this one. If he had the capacity to have a converstation about the mean stunt he pulled, he has had two weeks to call and apologise. Don't hold your breath. Get your stuff back, or not, and move on.

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 15/03/2023 12:35

You may not want to end it, but he's not the man you hoped he was.

He's known you for 4 years, knows damn well that you have an issue with previous partners being arses about your birthday, & decided his jape was a great plan?

he expected me to laugh it off in the evening, I couldn’t and told him it was not f funny. He told me to get out.

That's just pure nastiness.
He couldn't even accept he'd played it wrong, apologise, & give you the nice evening he SAID he'd planned.

I think this is nothing to do with wanting to surprise you, & everything to do with some kind of sick dominance display. The fact he chose to double down instead of trying to help you feel better shows his arrogance & cruelty.

It’s been 2 weeks no contact.
Fuck him.
Do NOT debase yourself by accepting him back, & certainly do not chase him.
If you do, you would be sending a giant signal that it's ok to treat you like this.
He will then know he can engineer periods of telling you to fuck off & ignoring you for weeks to control & abuse you with.

Sorry OP I know it hurts & I know you don't want it to be over.
But this is astonishing manipulation & cruelty & you should not accept it into your life.