Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help solve a dilemma

170 replies

Jaspertime · 14/03/2023 19:58

Going out of my mind, boyfriend of 4 yrs decided to pretend he forgot my birthday so he could surprise me when I called to his flat in the evening. He knows I have anxiety on this day due to past relationship always ignoring it.

i felt terrible all day as he never text, but did call and was casual.
he expected me to laugh it off in the evening, I couldn’t and told him it was not f ** funny. He told me to get out. It’s been 2 weeks no contact. I still have some belongings there, should I contact him to collect or does he do that. Incidentally I don’t want this to end. Please all advise very welcome, I feel really horrible

OP posts:
LookItsMeAgain · 16/03/2023 17:02

I know it's going to be stating the obvious but even when you turn off your phone, it's him who thinks there is something wrong with HIS phone, not that you might want to be taking a break from everyone and everything. All about him.

Please please try to see the wood for the trees.

This particular man is not your soul mate or even close.

Fraaahnces · 16/03/2023 17:22

You know the “Something wrong with the phone” thing is absolute crap, right?

OnaBegonia · 16/03/2023 17:33

Whilst his behaviour is hardly stellar, you have made a huge drama out of your birthday, do you expect a big fuss to be made? was he aware of this?

Bunnyishotandcross · 16/03/2023 17:37

Do not apologise during your chat op. You have done absolutely nothing wrong here.. If he isn't remorseful he would be dumped for me.

Zoost · 16/03/2023 18:06

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 16/03/2023 18:11

OnaBegonia · 16/03/2023 17:33

Whilst his behaviour is hardly stellar, you have made a huge drama out of your birthday, do you expect a big fuss to be made? was he aware of this?

It's completely clear that OP didn't expect a fuss. Try reading her posts?

Neither did she expect to be taunted with a crass joke at her expense, punished for not applauding the joke, or sent to Coventry for 2 weeks.

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 16/03/2023 18:16

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

You need to post your own thread Zoost, it;s no use hijacking somebody else's.

But since you;re here - FFS stop fucking about, book 2 weeks in the Med for you & your mum, & leave your pain in the arse partner at home. If that causes a relationship fail and lots and lots of annymosity in the house for the next 6 weeks before we go, dump him permanently.

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 16/03/2023 18:17

Ooops sorry I didn;t mean to post that great long quote above.

Ghostbuster2639 · 16/03/2023 18:21

incidentally, he always asked me to remind him to send birthday text in the mornings to his family, which I did.

This was a ridiculous request and you should have said No. why would you take responsibility for this?

His behaviour on your birthday was twisted. His behaviour since your birthday has been twisted. It doesn’t matter how amazing he’s been, he’s not amazing now.

Remagirl · 16/03/2023 20:05

What if he did genuinely forget (it happens) and then tried to make the situation good by making up his silly excuse. Eg playing a joke on you instead of saying he forgot?

xPissflapsx · 16/03/2023 20:59

Remagirl · 16/03/2023 20:05

What if he did genuinely forget (it happens) and then tried to make the situation good by making up his silly excuse. Eg playing a joke on you instead of saying he forgot?

That was my thought too

Original poster
Jaspertime · 16/03/2023 21:10

To update you all

we spoke and it was civil and I’m so pleased at how calm I felt. He said he didn’t mean to cause the upset and that he is not sensitive enough for me. I asked him to gather my things and I told him I would not come to his place.
he offered to come to mine. I said I would rather meet in the middle and named a place. He said ok and asked if he could do this next weekend, I said fine. It was not what I wanted, but strangely I feel such an ease.

he said if he could go back and change it, he would.

at my age I will not bother with romance again. I don’t want to invest my time and emotions. He wants us to be friends, no problem to ring each other for a chat.

I said no, I’m not an ex girlfriend that’s now just a mate. I’m either all in or all out. No way.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jaspertime · 16/03/2023 21:11

Thank you to each one of you, for your help and rational thoughts
It helped me so much. I still can’t believe how calm I was !!

OP posts:
LookItsMeAgain · 16/03/2023 21:12

Good for you @Jaspertime . I don't understand why you have to wait a week to get your belongings back. Can he not open the door, say to you to close it behind you when you leave and leave you to gather your stuff yourself?

Original poster
Jaspertime · 16/03/2023 21:14

Remagirl · Today 20:05
What if he did genuinely forget (it happens) and then tried to make the situation good by making up his silly excuse. Eg playing a joke on you instead of saying he forgot?

no, he had planned it,

OP posts:
Original poster
Jaspertime · 16/03/2023 21:26

Just remembered, he said if we had spoken sooner we could have sorted it out!!!!!!

OP posts:
Supersands · 16/03/2023 21:30

He sounds like he has toxic tendencies. Why would you try and upset someone you love on their birthday?! Then to say if you had spoken sooner you could of sorted it out. Yet he didn’t call you. I think you deserve better!

HowRatherGolly · 16/03/2023 21:37

honestly OP he sounds like a lunatics. Who the heck does he think he is treating you this way, I mean pretending he forgot your BD, then let you turn up to then degrade you by telling you to go, what?

I am so glad to read your update, get angry, like really angry now, and I am so glad you are going to toss this tosser to the side where he belongs. HOW DARE HE...

seriously, one day, you will think back to this chapter in your life and give yourself the biggest cheer for not stooping to his low level of treatment, like you were supposed to buy into how you could have worked it out if you had, YOU HAD, made contact sooner, what a loonie he is, you seem so nice and its his loss thankfully, you will find happiness, just not him thankfully

Original poster
Jaspertime · 16/03/2023 21:42

He suffers with a bad back and it’s gone again. He asked if I would mind waiting up til next week

however, I think he wants to create time between us so that he sticks to his plan

OP posts:
TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 16/03/2023 21:49

Jaspertime · 16/03/2023 21:26

Just remembered, he said if we had spoken sooner we could have sorted it out!!!!!!

He's just trying to blame you.
He expected you to come crawling back, begging, much earlier in those 2 weeks of silence.

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 16/03/2023 21:51

we spoke and it was civil and I’m so pleased at how calm I felt. He said he didn’t mean to cause the upset and that he is not sensitive enough for me. I asked him to gather my things and I told him I would not come to his place.
he offered to come to mine. I said I would rather meet in the middle and named a place. He said ok and asked if he could do this next weekend, I said fine. It was not what I wanted, but strangely I feel such an ease.

I'm so pleased for you OP.
He has put you through some ridiculous contortions, & your relief speaks volumes.
Flowers

billy1966 · 16/03/2023 21:53

Well done OP.

He's toxic......with a bad back.

This is not on you.

This is on him.

I'm nearly 60..

Don't get sucked into being a carer to a selfish twat with.....a bad back.

He's not kind.

Believe me, you are better on your own than with a man that stresses you out like he does.

Keep posting..

We are here for you.

Original poster
Jaspertime · 16/03/2023 22:15

HowRatherGolly

thank you so much for those lovely words.
I had been manic, but today was different and I came to my senses and realised what everyone was saying.

He is going to miss me, that I know. But I made it clear I’m not a friend, so don’t call me to help with phones, IT, booking things etc. all of which he has no clue (68)

at my age (61) I’m done. Dating does not seem to improve with age

OP posts:
Original poster
Jaspertime · 16/03/2023 22:23

Oh wow ladies, thank you for all your comments.

hey Billy1996, similar ages!!!! Thank you for your wisdom.

If I have any dilemmas I will be back.

we socialised a great deal, just trying to see what it’s all going to look like in the future. I don’t want to go anywhere we went together, so lots of changes ahead

OP posts:
Fraaahnces · 16/03/2023 22:37

Wow’ impressive boundaries! I’m impressed. He’s just discovered that there’s no fool like an old fool hasn’t he? Idiot man.