Help solve a dilemma

[Jaspertime]

Going out of my mind, boyfriend of 4 yrs decided to pretend he forgot my birthday so he could surprise me when I called to his flat in the evening. He knows I have anxiety on this day due to past relationship always ignoring it.

i felt terrible all day as he never text, but did call and was casual.
he expected me to laugh it off in the evening, I couldn’t and told him it was not f ** funny. He told me to get out. It’s been 2 weeks no contact. I still have some belongings there, should I contact him to collect or does he do that. Incidentally I don’t want this to end. Please all advise very welcome, I feel really horrible

The ego of the man.

He was like a small child, having a tantrum because he couldn't be ringmaster of everybody else's reactions to his attention-seeking stunt.

It was ALL about him & he punished you for not applauding him.

No they weren't.

He lied about booking the restaurant.
His intentions were always dodgy.

Oh Gawd, so maybe not initiate communication tonight. Something will have to give over the holiday next month, though this will probably be co ordinated through the other couple. Perhaps I could then recover belongings through them. Or do I bite the bullet and go ahead tonight.

Once again, I thank you for taking the time to read this thread, which I can’t believe has grown so much. And for giving direct and helpful girl advice.

I did think of many men who genuinely forget partners birthday and then are manic to make up for it and put things right. Wonder what they would think of a man who does remember but decides to pretend to forget 🤔🤔🤔🤔

so how should my conversation go. How do I keep strong, do I say I agree with him that it should end if he is adamant

I'd stop thinking of this in terms of what he's doing/not doing, and being reactive to that, and make a decision about the energy you want in your life, and from a partner, and if this is it.

Is this what you choose for yourself? As it is right now, not if he learns how to communicate, stops pulling mean bullying stunts, asking you to remember his families birthdays and wrap presents because you're good at it and all the other ways he doesn't respect you?

You are in charge of you.

You can end it, you don't need to wait patiently for direction from him, and if you do not, be prepared for this bully bullshit to be a regular occurence. He will then know what you're willing to put up with and not end it and he will likely push that line further and further.

I'd ask for your stuff to be dropped off, either at yours or a mates, if it's worth bothering getting back. He is happy to let you stew on this for a fortnight and hasn't apologised, it's unlikely you'll get one, he's just waiting for you to forgive and forget and nothing will change.

Do you want to get back together with him?
what if he refuses to apologise or accept he did anything wrong? Will you just carry on as usual if he wants to get back with you?

I think he's fucked up and forgotten your birthday, made up that it was a prank as an excuse and then made you out to be the bad person to get away with it. If he really cared though he should be ringing and texting you begging for you to go back and apologising for his behaviour

I hear you all.
I would normally be out. The only reason being, I look at the times he has treated me when I was not expecting it. Always fusses over me, is very loyal.

so I can’t understand this episode, sooo not like him.
i wonder if he just wishes he did the normal stuff and text happy birthday in the morning.
many people have thought on here it was a back handed way to invoke a break up. I just couldn’t believe he got so angry so quickly and told me to go.

has he just used my belongings as a way for him to hold back knowing I will somehow have to arrange for them.

So his plan was for you to spend your birthday feeling sad, rejected, anxious and hurt. All day?

Sounds odd

I think you were shitty to him; and I think you should be careful about relying so heavily on the reinforcement of anonymous women on a forum (yes he did it on purpose, what a bastard, leave him). How is that helpful in helping you move forward, with what you accept is your own baggage, from your own exes. With a man who you have described as amazing, who planned a special night for you, with presents. He was trying to show how different he was and to do something nice. But sure, fuck him off, go home and feel sorry for yourself because all men are arseholes.

Yes he was misguided and this was worth a conversation. However I'm not sure why you went round in the first place? He told you he forgot your birthday. In which case you should have said this is unacceptable to me of course I'm not seeing you tonight. Instead you trot over expecting cards and balloons and get cards and balloons, but you're still miserable.

You've also showed him you have no faith or trust in him as he said how could I forget (sweet and romantic) but instead you chose to assume he was a shitbag and take out the anger you feel at your exes, on him.

I think this episode is worth a little self reflection. Sure you can choose to listen to the LTB brigade but how is that going to help you function in a relationship with a normal, nice, occasionally fallible man going forward.

Sorry "this episode" where he made you a birthday surprise with presents? He didn't go on a killing spree he bought you birthday gifts, wrapped them, and tried to do something nice for you.

i wonder if he just wishes he did the normal stuff and text happy birthday in the morning.

I bet he bloody does!! He won't be doing that again!

Yes this!
I don't understand why people think its so great to ignore the birthday person all day and then yell surprise.
Then they expect the depressed birthday person to suddenly switch emotions on a six pence.
Its not like he had a surprise party planned. That would have been slightly different.
He could have turned the situation around by just being nice to you, pouring you a drink and asking you to open your presents. Instead he showed you your presents and then punished you by withholding them and cancelling the rest of your birthday by telling you to get out. - All because you had been upset and thought you had been forgotten. He knew it was a sensitive issue too.

And whoever he thinks is right or wrong, he hasn't displayed any kind of remorse that he may have been unkind so he's made no attempt to contact you. He wants YOU to apologise to HIM and confirm that his behaviour was fine and you are the one at fault.

You explained that you were hurt because you thought he'd forgotten you - and his response - after you believed what he was telling you all day - is to claim he's actually the one who is hurt because you didn't trust him. So he's the victim.

I agree with DuckbilledSplatterPuff.

When he saw the OP was upset, all he had to do was say sorry and give her a hug and it would have been fine.

Harsh, but I still appreciate you being straight talking.
I get the point you say. I really wished it was all different
his surprise was 2 wrapped presents, I said I wanted to open them once we had talked, his view, my view etc. I wanted to calm things, he told me to go

why was I there, I always go to his on Friday evening.

Is this salvageable. I want it behind us and go forward

It's your life. None of us know you or him.

Why not just call him and see what he says?

I don't understand why you even want it to be salvageable. Apart from his actions on the day he hasn't contacted you for two weeks. Text him and tell him to drop off your belongings. And then go forward without him.

Because I know that apart from this, we were blissfully happy. I doted on him and was happy to do so. He was equally the same with me. We said that was it, we would be together, full stop. When I was so happy and I really mean in a way I never knew before, I literally told him what he did was not F.. funny. That was it, one sentence, his anger and being told to go.

And he is a shocker for you all - we are in our 60’s. I’m acting like a youngster broken hearted, you would think you would shrug in off at this age. Sorry ladies, does that change opinion

Is it salvageable? Probably, if you grovel and apologise and promise never to question him again, yes.

If that's what you want.

Only if you are prepared to ride the waves of alternating love bombing and coldness.

Honestly, even though he's been lovely at times, he also cuts you off whenever you don't play along with his games. If you disagree or appear less than thrilled, he kicks you out.

There's a good test I've seen described before, to say 'no' early on in a relationship, just to prove you can. Some men accept that you are your own person and have agency. Others need you to play a role- the doting couple, the surprised birthday girl- and get irritated when you fail to play your part correctly.

What a load of gaslighting shit

On the basis of what you've said - no
he's not sorry and he's not remorseful. So the only way you can salvage it is by either ignoring it and pretending it didn't bother you or grovelling and apologising for being upset. Either way is terrible.
the only way it would be salvageable would be if he was extremely apologetic and wanted to make it up to you. But he isn't and doesn't.

Its an odd thing to do to anyone. Its even odder to do to someone who has told you the history of shitty birthdays with their ex.

And he did not need to ignore your birthday all day just to surprise you in the evening. He could of texted happy birthday, made out he got you a small gift and would have a quiet evening in and then surprised you with the multiple gifts and a lovely night out in a restaurant.

The fact he had upset you, and saw you were upset, both during the day when you facetimed and also when you arrived and told him it wasn't funny, his reaction is extremely odd. Most people, if they unintentionally upset their partner by doing something their inital reaction would be immiately apologise and be mortified and start making it up to them. not get angry that they were upset!

He cannot dictate to you how should feel when he does something he already knew would be hurtful to you!

And I agree with some pps above. This seems ot have been all about him, and he didn't get the validation from you that he had been amazing and thats why he got angry. I mean, how dare YOU upset HIM! He put in all that effort making your day as shit as possible so that HE could look great when you realised it was all a big joke surprise.

And to tell you to go, and then ignore you for 2 weeks! Incredible.

If you want to salvage anything with him, as you say this is so out of character, I would stick to your guns about it had upset you during the day (he already knew it would have). But that you'd like to meet and talk it through with him. If he doesn't want to do that or still does not apologise and admits he was wrong, misguided, whatever, takes some sort of responsibility for how it all went, then I think you need to consider moving on.

He may well have used it as a reason to finish with you. But what a shitty way to do it. But makes sense as he'll be coming out of it as he was the one who did this amazing surprise for you and you come across as ungrateful, all because he didn't say happy birthday earlier. Anyone not knowing the history around this would think you over reacted, as he'll phrase it exactly like that. he made all this effort, and you were annoyed because he hadn't said happy birthday.

Good luck and I really hope he is extremely sorry and apologetic when you do talk and just hadn't contacted you for some reasoning that he thought you didn't want to talk to him or something.

Are you Ops bloke?

Thanks Mairead, I love your honesty.