Adult DD. I'm done. TW *mentions suicide*

[Weatherwax13]

DD 24, mother of 7 yr old GC. For ten years
I've supported her through thick and thin.
We lost my AS to suicide 2013 and shortly after, DD received a BPD diagnosis.
I have held her hand, accessed treatment for her at every turn, given so much emotional and financial support.
I''ve never abandoned her and its taken so much of my attention away from my other DC.
She took 5 overdoses over two years including one occasion it took 24 hrs to find her. Police helicopter, the works. I thought she was dead.
Then came selfharming, eating disorder, teen pregancy, serious abuse of baby by its father and 18 months of Court during which she lived with me and I raised the baby.
Then 3 yrs of hell when Court granted the abuser access and she went back to him.
We at last got her out 2 yrs ago and I gradually put GC back together with help from a psychologist. An utterly traumatised child.
His development caught up and eventually they moved into their own home with support in place
DD had a job, went to college, accessed therapy. I was so proud and for the first time had hope for her.
The last few months I've noticed a downward spiral. Long story short, she's come out as polygamorous. Moved a M_F couple into their home (with dogs - GC has autism and zero regulation around dogs).
This child has a particularly strong need of stability and security. They're living openly as a "throuple" sleeping together in the next bedroom.
This child regularly wakes in the night. He is definitely not oblivious.
She's neglecting him in terms of school attendance and hygiene.
I think the dam has burst. I'm so full of ten years' pent up rage and were it not for GC I'd seriously walk away. I never, ever thought I would.
I can't take any more. Son's suicide is devastating to all of us. But none of the other AC are like this. They have grief and difficulties and all have accessed support from myself amd therapists at times. They try hard to carry on and live with it.
For myself, it's a pain I'll never recover from and I've never had time to sit with it despite years of therapy because there's always another crisis with DD. DS broke my heart and I still haven't had one day where I don't think of him.
I can't take any more.
This is really just a rant but I had to get it out. My bipolar and ptsd are causing me all kinds of issues and I know it's the rage, stress and anxiety causing this . I feel desperate.
I'm crying as I write this - and I never cry. I never start threads either. Idk why I've finally caved after all this time but I have. I don't know how NOT to be strong if thst makes even the slightest sense.

I don't have anything useful to say, but I hear you, and I acknowledge your pain and frustration.

Im sorry you have had such a shit time of it.💐

@Newshoesnewname thankyou. I don't actually think I need advice. More acknowledgement and a chance to vent. So I really, really appreciate you posting.

Can you get in touch with school and voice your concerns to the safeguarding lead? Would you be prepared to have your grandchild live with you? I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with this, as well as the loss of your son.

I can't even imagine the pain you have been in to get you to this point. It must be so frustrating to watch your child fall into a pit and not want to get out.

Don’t let her take her child with her into the pig she’s fallen into. She’s not taking his needs into account at all. Not one bit.

you need to call social services.

your options to help your daughter are limited. you can and should continue to advocate for your grandchild, even if your daughter hates you for it. Someday if she does recover, she will appreciate that you did what you could to protect her child.

Thankyou. I do know what I need to do. It ain't my first rodeo by far.
The problem i always come up against is this: she's had me over a barrel for years. When I challenged my late DS over his behaviour he killed himself. And then of course DD knows this.
And made several attempts herself.
So there's always the sword hanging over my head. I've involved social services before. They were involved also through GCs early months after the abuse. And they were inept to the point that they made the situation worse and I had to do everything myself anyway.
DH is a lot older than me and due to the stress of everything hopes to take early retirement soon. If we take on GC this can't happen. And he's been incredibly strong but started antidepressants three months ago for the first time ever. He's too old and sad for more of this.
He finds the emotional side difficult but has undertaken to do weekly - not visits, more like inspections - to check that DD has kept her promise of not having the dogs there and that GC has clean uniform, lunch box supplies and to do his school reading with him.
Reading this back to myself in black and white is horribly confronting

I should add that in many ways, she's not a car crash as a mother. She's very affectionate with GC. Takes him to the park and sport classes, encourages his interests.
When I read her the riot act last week and told her I can never support her "lifestyle " she re-engaged with GC's psychologist and OT which I was delighted to hear.
Until she told me she wanted their advice on "helping him understand my relationship in an age appropriate way"
That's when I lost it.
Her priorities are so skewed. The irony is that she's super protective over him in every other way. Eg no unsupervised internet. She had concerns about another GC"s interaction on an online game - raised these instantly with my other DD. It's when she gets a new obsession her brain shuts off and she has tunnel vision.
I could throttle her. I know I'm going to end up with GC if she doesn't get rid of these people.
Because I'll insist.
But I'm exhausted and unwell and much as I adore him, I don't want to do it.

Whether or not DGC is living with you it will be lots of pressure. I think GC is better living with you; better for everyone's sakes. Have your DD and partners over for dinner, keep supporting DD, but give your GC a stable environment.

Hi @Weatherwax13 i'm so sorry you're going through this. You are an amazing mother and grandmother. Sending you lots of strength to get through this time x

@Summer2424
That's really kind. Thankyou.
Ithink what's making me so defeated is the period of real progress when I thought it was all coming together at long last.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It seems life is throwing a lot of pain and difficulty in your path. Unfortunately I think you and your dh are going to have to come to terms with the fact that your dd isn’t ever going to be the stability her ds needs. Perhaps she will be at times. But not consistently. Once you’ve really got your head around this, you can then make a plan. You mentioned other adult children. If you take on the parental responsibility for your dgs calm any of them help even if it is weekends and you have him in the week?

You sound utterly and completely done. And I totally understand why.

I am sorry for your loss, one that is truly devastating. I can only begin to imagine the pain.

In terms of GC, I am not sure there's much you can do re living arrangements/his care. From what you've said it doesn't sound like she'd allow him to live with you & unless you get social services involved (if they are not already) I don't know how residency would transfer to you. Do you have parental responsibility? Would DD agree to it ?

An awful situation for GC but SS will try to keep them with your DD. I guess all you can do is support as you have been. Or take a massive step back for your own sanity.

Sorry!!! MN super glitchy for me @Mummyoflittledragon
What I meant to write was, yes, my other DD has even said he can live there.
But she has her own DC, a very small house. And GC is very challenging, particularly given that he adores his mother and will be old enough this time yo understand that something is badly wrong fir this to be happening.

And I don't want her life to be even more affected by her sister than it already is. She doesn't deserve this either.

I agree with this. It sounds horrendous for you. I think you are always going to feel stressed regarding this difficult situation and at least if GC was with you, would that at least stop the 'wtf is happening at this minute' with regards to things at their house.
I would hope that her talking to her therapist about her 'thrupple' and wanting to talk to GC about this lifestyle would raise safeguarding, it should shouldn't it?

@MrsRickAstley
Given social services ' previous involvement they would probably support him coming to me if they knew how he's currently living.
But I don't want to separate him from his mother.
I know my DD and I know if she didn't have these people around things would not be like this
She's utterly obsessed with them and so easily led. Even at 24.
And what kind of people shack up in a threesome with a single mother?? Not good ones that's certain

Absolutely it should be a safeguarding concern.
@MrsRickAstley
We're all supposed to tiptoe around. But I called it for what is. A kink. And as such it should be kept away from children.
DD's therapist sounds like she was very neutral if not downright supportive. It sickens me

I'm sorry, I don't have any advice but you are a very loving person and I hope things improve for you soon. I can't imagine how tough things must be for you

Sorry that should have been

@MichelleScarn

I too don’t have any advice but just wanted to say that I think you sounds like a fantastic mum and grandmother. Your family is lucky to have you. You sounds like the epitome of a strong woman and I’m sorry to read that you’re going through this.

But would you be 'separating' them? You'd be giving him a different environment from the one she is where she's more focused on her sex life at present?
If she chooses not to see him, or places her partners(is that what you call it?) as priority over him, it just shows you've made right decision.
Again, what type of people would chose to enter her home with a young child for this type of relationship? ( awaiting the rage from thruple types pissed off at negative view of it!)

Thanks so much, all of you. Can't believe all these supportive posts. Wish I posted sooner.
I can't @ everyone as MN is glitchy.
I already shouted at mummyoflittledragon
But I'm reading everything here

If you can manage to have your gc to come live with you, hard as it will be, I think lots of other things will become calmer. She can have him for weekends, she can bring him to fun stuff. Yes he would still be exposed to inappropriate stuff but that is going to happen anyway and she loves him. None of this is good but instead making the best of a bad situation. You're very kind and forbearing. Xxx

I'm so sorry for what you've been through @Weatherwax13, and for the situation you are still dealing with. I'm not surprised you are exhausted.

I don't have any useful solutions, maybe some wise other MNers will be able to suggest something. I can see that you're up against it whichever way you turn, with no magic solution that leads to a happy ending.

One thing I have to ask if whether your DD could be autistic? You mention the GC is autistic but could that possibly have come from your DD? I know she has other diagnoses but autism in women is often misdiagnosed, and frequently missed.

If she is autistic, of course it doesn't excuse her behaviour, but it might help her to source more appropriate support. And it might also explain why she's so easily influenced and led. And I say all this as an autistic woman myself so I'm not being unkind. She sounds very young and naive for 24 yrs old and it sounds as if she's being exploited.

I just wanted to mention the possibility re autism just in case it's not ever been considered.