Adult DD. I'm done. TW *mentions suicide*

[Weatherwax13]

DD 24, mother of 7 yr old GC. For ten years
I've supported her through thick and thin.
We lost my AS to suicide 2013 and shortly after, DD received a BPD diagnosis.
I have held her hand, accessed treatment for her at every turn, given so much emotional and financial support.
I''ve never abandoned her and its taken so much of my attention away from my other DC.
She took 5 overdoses over two years including one occasion it took 24 hrs to find her. Police helicopter, the works. I thought she was dead.
Then came selfharming, eating disorder, teen pregancy, serious abuse of baby by its father and 18 months of Court during which she lived with me and I raised the baby.
Then 3 yrs of hell when Court granted the abuser access and she went back to him.
We at last got her out 2 yrs ago and I gradually put GC back together with help from a psychologist. An utterly traumatised child.
His development caught up and eventually they moved into their own home with support in place
DD had a job, went to college, accessed therapy. I was so proud and for the first time had hope for her.
The last few months I've noticed a downward spiral. Long story short, she's come out as polygamorous. Moved a M_F couple into their home (with dogs - GC has autism and zero regulation around dogs).
This child has a particularly strong need of stability and security. They're living openly as a "throuple" sleeping together in the next bedroom.
This child regularly wakes in the night. He is definitely not oblivious.
She's neglecting him in terms of school attendance and hygiene.
I think the dam has burst. I'm so full of ten years' pent up rage and were it not for GC I'd seriously walk away. I never, ever thought I would.
I can't take any more. Son's suicide is devastating to all of us. But none of the other AC are like this. They have grief and difficulties and all have accessed support from myself amd therapists at times. They try hard to carry on and live with it.
For myself, it's a pain I'll never recover from and I've never had time to sit with it despite years of therapy because there's always another crisis with DD. DS broke my heart and I still haven't had one day where I don't think of him.
I can't take any more.
This is really just a rant but I had to get it out. My bipolar and ptsd are causing me all kinds of issues and I know it's the rage, stress and anxiety causing this . I feel desperate.
I'm crying as I write this - and I never cry. I never start threads either. Idk why I've finally caved after all this time but I have. I don't know how NOT to be strong if thst makes even the slightest sense.

I am so sorry that you are going through this right now.

It seems that everything has compounded day on day for over a decade.

Many people would go under with just one of the complex, heartbreaking and devastating issues you are dealing with loss of a child, suicide, attempted suicides, chaos, serious MH issues and episodes across many family members, repeated abuse and neglect of a vulnerable child, significant neurodiversity issues (possibly undiagnosed) aging and depleted grandparents when issues are increasing. Potential exploitation (cuckholding / grooming / CSA) of a single mother and child.

Too much for anyone. Look after yourself first - get your head clear and restore some focus and energy before you make decisions / actions or take on more.

This might look like emotionally disengagement from your DD. Step right back.

Have you had EMDR for your PTSD? And how is your Bi-polar being managed.

Can you concentrate on you and your health and emotional well-being. Can you build positive happy times and connections with friends and family where DD and her issues are not discussed or dominating or preoccupying you?

Take care of your marriage.
Look for calm and peace.

Detach with love from your DD. Don’t inadvertently enable or fan the flames. Distance and grey rock.

When you have recovered your perspective decide as an extended family what you will / can do for your GC - and have a simple strategy that you all participate in a practical calm way to make is life safe and predictable.

I don’t see any point of your DH going round there. There is nothing to say that she will listen to. Stop trying to engage or rationalise with her obsessions and MH.

Dont get drawn in - observe from a calm objective distance and perspective and take actions when needed that as a family you all agree on (maybe with professional help) that focus on the GC.

Keep calm and practical in this crisis.

I'm stepping back for a little while.
Felt so alone today and I've been so glad of the support.
But it's been intense and I need to think and calm down.
Of course there are always those who mistake Relationships for AIBU but hopefully you feel better for having a pop when someone's clearly struggling.
What I would say also is that social services are not the wonderful solution I'd wish.
They made the report to Court recommending unsupervised access to GC's violent father because he eventually completed an 8 week course.
So this is an issue. I've found them inept and irresponsible.
Thankyou so much. I can't @ anyone else: every time I do MN goes crazy and I have to start all over again.
DH has left for DD's house.
I'll return to update as those of you offered handholds are wonderful.
And I will live to fight another day. I feel defeated atm. But I wouldn't have posted if I was just fucking off and abandoning GC. Just adding that as some assumptions/accusations were so far from the mark.

That child is better off with you than his Mother. It will save him a lot more damage in the long run.

I don't have much advise. Perhaps something small. Making sure dc has 5 sets clean uniform for the week and could you afford a taxi to take dg to school with driver that has been checked

As pp said, nobody can be blamed for another person's suicide but I think that poster made some reasonable points. I say that as mother of a daughter who has taken several overdoses. Her childhood was far from 'perfect' as I had mh struggles myself. I do take responsibility for that.

That poster also referenced her suicide attempt and personal difficulties and still got piled on immediately.

Don’t dissipate your finite emotional energy and headspace on the PP who has offended you.

Know where you stand and stand strong.

Be Teflon to these types and conserve and prioritise your emotional time and energy for positive experiences.

Try not to react to this.

One more thing. Your post is a good note for me to end on today and think about.

Yes I've had a lot of EMDR and I'm grateful for it every day. My flashbacks are much reduced and I think it's helped with what I've done today. Stepped back instead of reacting in a triggered state of panic.

@Ooompaloopa

I'm so sorry to hear all that's happened, you are an incredible mother/grandmother for the strength and love you've shown to your family x

My first thought was to get school/social services involved but it sounds like you've had a bad experience with them before and so that might not be how you want to proceed. How would DD feel about you having GC live with you most of the time? Could you dress it up as doing her a favour i.e "I have him during the week so he gets to school each day and then you don't have to worry about getting in trouble with them. He can stay with you at the weekend or if you like you could just take him out to the park etc at the weekends and he can still sleep here. Then that gives you plenty of time to explore your new relationship(s) and gives you all a bit of privacy and bonus it means your partners can have their dogs staying". She might not resist if she thinks you are doing her a massive favour / come across as supportive of her latest obsession (polyamorous relationship). If she does agree to it I would then look into making it more formal with a special guardianship/fostering so you can access financial support so your DH can still retire. It would be great if your other DD could help out as well, maybe have him stay over 1 night a week or something to give you a break(or vice versa, he lives with your other DD and you give her a regular break).

I would also echo PP, she may well have autism instead of or alongside of BPD, the being easily led/naive, the obsessions. Maybe gently push her with that as well not as an instead of but as a co-morbid (if as you say she likes having the BPD diagnosis).

I would be doing everything within my power to ensure DGC lives with you. They have suffered enough already and it’s a crying shame that social services haven’t done more. There was zero need for your DGC to be abused and neglected and yet, this is what has happened. Bipolar or not, I would be thoroughly ashamed of your daughter and the way she has behaved. Go to the school, the GP, anyone you can think of to get support for the child to come to you.

This. The child needs to be removed from her care. She is an unfit mother who appears to never put her child’s needs first.

Sometimes you need to take a step back from people for your own mh. Your dgc is the only one you need to give any of your energy and time to right now

I'm trying to follow but am getting stuck with the abbreviation. Can anyone help please with what AS and AC is please?

Your post has hit trending which is is why some of the replies are are bit ‘AIBU’ rather than ‘Relationships’ in tone.

Sending best wishes for a productive pathway through this. I believe there is a MN board specifically relating to fostering/adoption/social services etc so that might be a good place to say up your options with posters who know the system.

Adult Son and Adult Children.

OP I entirely concur with the helpful posts above. Ignore the rest. 💕

I just wanted to add a couple of points to what others have said.

• It seems to me that your DD is probably beyond your help at this time, embroiled as she is in one of her "obsessions" right now. The person who needs your support right now is your DGC, he urgently needs someone who is on his side. Whatever support you can give him can only be helpful.
• As mothers we often feel that it is our responsibility to make sure that everyone in the family is living in a good situation and happy. We can't and it isn't, although we should always try to be supportive as best we can. You clearly have a supportive DH and DC, work as a team and support each other when you feel overwhelmed.
• One of my DC was in a highly toxic relationship in their early twenties and went off the rails for a while. It nearly broke up our family, a thing I'd never have believed possible. My husband and I just used to sit and cry. Young people can be incredibly suggestible at that age, the human brain is not fully mature until a few years later. FF a decade and same DC has a loving wife and child, highly successful career and is incredibly happy and settled. DC freely agrees with me nowadays they were not fully mature at that age. Don't entirely give up hope, nothing stays the same.

       xxx

It’s completely understandable - both the needy to step back did a couple of days and the hopeless feeling towards the SS. I to have found them to be inept, incompetent and full of their own hubris, so much do that I was awarded compensation via a level three complaint. But it’s the only option there is, realty - and hope you come across a decent SW(they do exist).

Hopinv did brighter days for you and your grandson (and your daughter)

Also, just wanted to add, I believe you can get financial help if you become a ‘kinship’ fosterer so your DH might still be able to retire as planned:

frg.org.uk/get-help-and-advice/who/kinship-carers/

You do have to do everything through social services but it means you get paid the same way non-relative foster caters do and also allows your GC to benefit from the extra bits and pieces available to kids in the looked after system (eg higher priority banding for school applications).

I don’t really know anything about it much but there are some very knowledgeable posters on the fostering board.

Do explore all your options for GC, even if you end up not pursuing them.

@Weatherwax13
OP I am so very sorry for the loss of your son, you have had a horrendous time you sound like an incredibly brave and strong person and it seems you need someone to maybe take care of you for awhile. 💝I hope you get the help you need to manage the stressful situation you are in.

“One thing I have to ask if whether your DD could be autistic? You mention the GC is autistic but could that possibly have come from your DD? I know she has other diagnoses but autism in women is often misdiagnosed, and frequently missed.” @StalkedByASpider I had the same thoughts, or maybe ADHD speaking as a mum who has an adult daughter recently diagnosed with ADHD her behaviour made sense when she was diagnosed

Afraid I don't have anything useful to add except that I am in utter awe of you.

I don't know how NOT to be strong if thst makes even the slightest sense

Just wanted to say I understand this. I am sorry you are living like this. It is exhausting.

Op what a poor wee kid in the middle of that.

Well if their is a bright side to his Dad getting access it might mean he has someone else to open up too, esp if their is abuse.

Op look after yourself.
One day your DD will wake up and sort herself out.
I really don't know what difference your DH going round tonight will make. Is that in anyone's interests?

Lots of posters as asking could the DD be autistic.
While I get having the correct diagnosis is import but really will the correct term make any difference to how she and her son are currently living?

Suddenly being handed another label isn't going to make her a better or different person or parent differently is it?

💐
It's shit.
I don't think you can do anything for your daughter. But you can (and should) protect your grandchild, whether by having them live with you, or referring the current set up to social services.

Just wishing you the very best.

Christ but life can be so hard for some people.

You must be so worn out.

I think unfortunately that you do need to think about your own health.

Because if you don't look after yourself, your choices may be taken from you.

You have had what sounds like years and years of relentless stress all the while trying to manage your own diagnosis.

Prolonged stress of this level, can often result in life changing/shortening issues.

Don't dismiss how you are feeling.

Wishing you the very best.