Adult DD. I'm done. TW *mentions suicide*

[Weatherwax13]

DD 24, mother of 7 yr old GC. For ten years
I've supported her through thick and thin.
We lost my AS to suicide 2013 and shortly after, DD received a BPD diagnosis.
I have held her hand, accessed treatment for her at every turn, given so much emotional and financial support.
I''ve never abandoned her and its taken so much of my attention away from my other DC.
She took 5 overdoses over two years including one occasion it took 24 hrs to find her. Police helicopter, the works. I thought she was dead.
Then came selfharming, eating disorder, teen pregancy, serious abuse of baby by its father and 18 months of Court during which she lived with me and I raised the baby.
Then 3 yrs of hell when Court granted the abuser access and she went back to him.
We at last got her out 2 yrs ago and I gradually put GC back together with help from a psychologist. An utterly traumatised child.
His development caught up and eventually they moved into their own home with support in place
DD had a job, went to college, accessed therapy. I was so proud and for the first time had hope for her.
The last few months I've noticed a downward spiral. Long story short, she's come out as polygamorous. Moved a M_F couple into their home (with dogs - GC has autism and zero regulation around dogs).
This child has a particularly strong need of stability and security. They're living openly as a "throuple" sleeping together in the next bedroom.
This child regularly wakes in the night. He is definitely not oblivious.
She's neglecting him in terms of school attendance and hygiene.
I think the dam has burst. I'm so full of ten years' pent up rage and were it not for GC I'd seriously walk away. I never, ever thought I would.
I can't take any more. Son's suicide is devastating to all of us. But none of the other AC are like this. They have grief and difficulties and all have accessed support from myself amd therapists at times. They try hard to carry on and live with it.
For myself, it's a pain I'll never recover from and I've never had time to sit with it despite years of therapy because there's always another crisis with DD. DS broke my heart and I still haven't had one day where I don't think of him.
I can't take any more.
This is really just a rant but I had to get it out. My bipolar and ptsd are causing me all kinds of issues and I know it's the rage, stress and anxiety causing this . I feel desperate.
I'm crying as I write this - and I never cry. I never start threads either. Idk why I've finally caved after all this time but I have. I don't know how NOT to be strong if thst makes even the slightest sense.

This sounds incredibly difficult.
You sound like you have been a stable presence through all of the chaos and your daughter is very used to that. To you taking responsibility so she doesn’t have to. Advocating for her child so she doesn’t have to.
Perhaps it’s time to call school and social services so they can take the responsibility away from you and engage with her directly. Sounds like she still sees you as the real adult here so step out of that role and let SS engage.
Really sorry for what you are going through.

I feel ashamed of how poorly I cope with my family problems (minor compared to yours) when I read you post. It sounds a horrible situation to be in and I understand your fear, frustration and sadness; thinking you have done the right thing and come out the other side only for chaos to arrive again. I can only wish you and yours all the very best at this difficult time. Bless you.

Actually I've reflected further on your post and you couldn't be more wrong.

Ive held this family together. I haven't done the harm. You've pretty much reinforced my point of view given that you blame your own mother for your issues. Would love to hear her version of events.

And thanks for your warning in bold "lest more harm be done"

You certainlyhave dramaticflair

@ootb

Thankyou for your post. Really brave of you to write that and I appreciate hearing your experience

@erinaceus

I sympathise, OP. It might be worth getting in touch with kinship.org.uk who I've found very helpful. Wishing you all the best.

Good grief. You're a fantastic mother/grandmother. No shame for you!! Never heard the like. Youre a champion for those GC
@Roys

OP I am sorry that you are in this situation.

I know you are not looking for advice, but can you find a middle ground between washing your hands of it and carrying a massive burden?

I see you have had therapy in the past, did that help with your own thinking processes annd boundaries?
I live with a challenging and similar situation, but I take great care to prioritise my own well being- apart from emergencies.
I do what I can, but I don't want to be eaten up with someone else's problems, no matter how much I love them.
I love and support, but not at a great price to myself.
If you are worried about your grandchild then perhaps social services should be informed.
Your DDs relationship/sexual preferences are themselves no threat to the child- while such an arrangement is not for me, be wary that your own judgement of such a lifestyle is clouding things.
I can't see the problem as long as the child is not exposed to sexual behaviour.

I've talked further to DH. The thoughts on here are so helpful. I told him I'm at breaking point and considering cutting DD off altogether and focusing only on GC.
He's going to go round and speak to her.

It night be better for all involved if you do indeed take a step back. She obviously has deep rooted issues and despite your support is still struggling, as is often the case with complex MH issues. It's not fair to judge her against her siblings for 'not getting over it'. My DB killed himself when me and my other brother were teens. My other brother descended into drug use and basically imploded his life because he couldn't cope, I didn't but I don't also have other MH issues to grapple with on top of coming to terms with it (which I probably never will). Even if you know her attempts are manipulative, people of sound mind don't do that for that end.

You should phone social services about her son, if he's missing school and bring neglected in many ways then you know you should. If she is indeed a good mum in other ways but just can't prioritise his needs amongst the chaos she lives within then perhaps it'll be the kick she needs to try and access further support. At the very least hopefully they can help him and he will be safer.

I do understand the ‘I’m done ‘ feeling OP. We can be a good parent to all our kids and most manage life well. But some don’t manage as well. I have a child that struggles too. I just wanted to let you know that you aren’t alone.

Hello. You sound like a wonderful, wonderful mother and grandmother. I wish there were more nans like you out there!
I'm so sorry you're going through such a difficult time. BPD can be awful and it's so hard to separate out the actions from the person you love. Unfortunately in this scenario I think you now need to just prioritise your grandson.
Are you in a position to assume care of him? How would your daughter respond if you said 'I'm worried about you and I want 7 to come and stay with me for a while'. I'm a social worker and I have worked with nans who have done this before and helped them with getting an Order to secure the child in their care in similar scenarios.
Unfortunately now I would suggest enough has to be enough for your little grandson, he has been through more in his short life than some adults ever have. If you're not able to take care of him, I would step up my visits and sleepovers with him, and report to social services (even anonymously if you feel that's what's needed).

OP I read all your posts on this thread, you have gone through so much and done so well, honestly.
It's understandable you feel like you can no longer cope; but whatever you do, Please put your grandchild first. Someone has got to step in and advocate for him. By the sounds of it, he has no one but you.
Your DD cannot be "dangling a sword" over your head for trying to help your GC. And don't you feel guilty. He deserves a chance to live a normal life.
Please do contact SS, school and NSPCC about this, he is definitely being neglected if he's not attending school properly amd with bad hygiene. You will never forgive yourself if something worse happens to him. Sad to say but your DD is unfit to be a mother and your husband is being really selfish. I can't imagine retirement being my number 1 priority, when a child in my family needs help!

It doesn't need to be a permanent separation but actually, when is enough enough? When do we say this little boy is powerless and he deserves more stability and predictability in his life?
When do we acknowledge that daughter is an adult making choices, poor and worrying as they are, and grandson is being dragged here there and everywhere on her every whim?
When does someone put him first and make sure he is OK? There are only 10 years left before he's basically an adult.
I've seen many, many, many children left in scenarios where they aren't put first or kept safe. I promise you it doesn't end well and this is going to affect his mental health forever. Who is showing him that adults can be trusted and relied upon? Who is showing him that he matters and that people love him? Where is he learning his internal model for relationships in the future?
He's already suffered significant physical abuse, been subject of care proceedings, exposure to his mother's fluctuating mental health, and unstable home environment, now with 2 strangers living in it. Please either take him into your care, or make a report to social services. You can love someone but make a stand against their choices, especially to protect the voiceless.

Have a huge bear hug from me. It sounds so difficult.

Focusing on your GC and yourself for the moment sounds like the right approach. You are in a really tricky spot and you need lots of self care. Wishing you well.

You mentioned that your GC is Autistic. Do you think that your DD could be too? She sounds quite vulnerable to being manipulated by others.

I realised a few years ago that I am probably Autistic, as my DC are. I share quite a few similarities with your DD. I had my DC1 at 17 from an abusive relationship I had been in since 14. It wasn't until I left him in my early 20s that I was able to take control of my life and DC's life. Very luckily for me, the next relationship I got into turned out to be with a really good person (DH) and now I am the most boring middle aged mum in the world.

I think I was particularly naive, but presented as very serious and intelligent as a teen. I think (maybe due to ASD) I had/have a particularly strong need for validation and love that can be very easily manipulated.

I'm sure DD knows deep down that this polyamorous relationship is not good for her DC and is likely tying herself in knots trying to make her priorities and line up with each other.

Do you think that her current blip is how she is trying to deal with what happened to DS and the fall out it has had on the family?

Reinforce what a great job she has been doing lately. Remind her that the best place for GC is with her. I expect anything counter to that advice that comes out of her mouth is likely to be direct quotes from the couple. Things like 'but you know that's not true' may be the best challenge.

Sorry, I'm assuming a lot there, but your posts rang a lot of bells with my own situation.

It sounds like you and your DH need a break from all of this. Can you take a holiday and just cease contact for a few weeks? It sounds like your DD is indeed manipulative and does as she wishes as you will always pick up her mess. As she is living with 2 adults (ignoring their bedroom setup), your GC is ironically probably safer than being alone with his BPD mother if she is in a bad phase. Take this opportunity to focus on your own needs and that of DH - sounds like you have done enough for others.

OP I read this and felt such frustration on your behalf. I remember a friend going through a very similar situation in her '40's. She ended up raising the child, they're so close that they ended up moving away together to another part of that country and the child is now a lovely adult working and doing well. The mother is more stable and fortunately never had more children. This is another worry for you if your daughter has another child. No advice for you other than to say thank god the lovely
Lad has you and his aunts and uncles as that is a good support network for him. You're a good woman, I wish you well.

If you don't want to take him, your husband won't be able to retire if you take him, I think you need to either allow one of your other children to step in, or make a report to children's services.
Can I point out that financially, if you and your husband were to become Foster carers or special guardians, you would be paid, or if you got a CAO you'd be able to claim benefits for him.
To be foster carers or paid SGO carers, this needs to be via social services.

It sounds truly awful. When I was DD age I had BPD, it's since been changed the diagnosis. I acted very similar. Although paths were different, I had no children and lived in a hospital for 10 years. My mother was very similar to you. Very supportive. Unfortunately with the illness it's so hard to see other peoples perspective and how toxic your own behaviour is when in the midst of it. My mother ended up distancing herself, it was horrendous at the time, but I guess I couldn't have my make or break moment till it was upon myself to evaluate my behaviour and make the active decision to change. It got worse before it got better and I lost everything. But as I got older I started managing better, I guess with age and experience. I went to a day patient facility which specialises in the illness and aids development of healthy relationships. It changed my life. She can change and there is hope for all of you.

Now my personality is miles apart from my 20's and my relationship with my family is amazing. X

@Hoplesscynic <quote <ou will never forgive yourself if something worse happens to him. Sad to say but your DD is unfit to be a mother and your husband is being really selfish. I can't imagine retirement being my number 1 priority, when a child in my family needs help!>>

Really, @Hoplesscynic you can't imagine the sheer exhaustion and desperation of trying to raise a child right while neglecting the needs of your other children? And then doing it all again with an ACE grandchild?

All the while getting older and more exhausted yourself and relationships within the family changing and breaking down just when you thought you might start to build on them?

And every time your grandchild discloses or acts out you deal with it as best you can but constantly ask yourself where you went wrong, what was the day you did what you did that made all this happen?

You really can't imagine that?

No wonder you sound done in @Weatherwax13 . I have a different take on what I think is the best solution.

Both my mother and brother used to get whatever the hell they wanted by staging suicide attempts (or threatening divorce as well if mum.) I nursed a bitter, violent, angry, spiteful woman to her death six years ago. She still gushed and flirted in my 47 year old brother’s presence while he was stealing her credit card to buy himself skateboards and fake ninja swords and photos of leopards. (At a guess, both undiagnosed Borderline Personality Disorder.) That is a tiny mirror into it all with no history, but I don’t want this for you.

Please don’t let this become your future. If your other DD has the energy to access all the help that can be made available to that poor little boy, please let her take him on. He will be able to compare a secure attachment (his cousin) to his own and have someone age-appropriate to help him out. You can love him like the fantastic grandmother you actually sound like you are and be there to back up your DD when she needs you to. (You know she will.) You and DD can work as a team. Your DH won’t die earlier than he needs. If your DD can actually get SS to convince your other DD that fostering is the best plan, she will have access to counselling services (for her family as well as the child) medical and psychological care, educational help, potentially even better housing. If possible, while not ideal, it might even be smart to move her and the child away from the mother to make it more difficult for her to interfere with this child’s healing process.

Could you raise concerns with social services and the police about cockooing?

If you take out the emotional side, this is a man and a woman taking over the house of a single mother. That doesn't sit right and is absolutely open to exploitation. I'd be treating it this way given her vulnerability and the fact there's an emotionally damaged child in the mix.

She thinks she is choosing this but I'm wondering how she gets out if she changes her mind?

You sound lovely. I know how hard having your GC would be but perhaps it would actually be less emotionally stressful than the current situation, assuming she won't see sense.

@ootb I'm not quoting the rest of your absolutely awful manipulative post but wanted to repost this bit If the way you "challenge" someone leads them to kill themselves, perhaps it's better not to just because it's so awful of you and I find it so cruel to say to @Weatherwax13.
No one EVER is responsible for another person taking that step. You honestly think op should just let her DD carry on as she is doing? And the blame re if daughter does anything will be on OP? Vile.

Op I really think you need to alert Social Services.
It wouldn't surprise me if the child is being sexually abused as well as neglected. They've effectively got two step-parents with sexual kinks who have hit upon a vulnerable, nieve single mother.

It doesn't matter if your DD has ASD or any other diagnosis she isn't making the best decisions for the child.
She needs to make her own decisions and it's hard enough for a woman to throw out an abusive man never-ending throw out a couple.

@Velvian
thankyou fir your insight. Really helpful and I'm happy to hear how things areyou now. for

@Fraaahnces I really do hear you.

To everyone I would say I'm still weighing up what exactly to do and I've taken on board all your thoughts.
I'm rereading everything you've posted.
Whatever I decide to do it'll be with GC front and centre. I guess right now I'm so exhausted I need to get my head straight rather than rushing headlong into anything I might then realise wasn't the best decision.
Thankyou to all who get thst this thread has come from being at the end of my tether.
And to whoever said I'm unfairly comparing DD to her siblings. Not true.
We all have our varying abilities to cope and as someone with a psychiatric condition myself I'm acutely aware of thst.
I was trying yo illustrate the background story.
And my DH is far from selfish.
He's been the sole breadwinner for a decade while I deal with our family.
And is going round to DD's tonight after a 11 hr work day.