Adult DD. I'm done. TW *mentions suicide*

[Weatherwax13]

DD 24, mother of 7 yr old GC. For ten years
I've supported her through thick and thin.
We lost my AS to suicide 2013 and shortly after, DD received a BPD diagnosis.
I have held her hand, accessed treatment for her at every turn, given so much emotional and financial support.
I''ve never abandoned her and its taken so much of my attention away from my other DC.
She took 5 overdoses over two years including one occasion it took 24 hrs to find her. Police helicopter, the works. I thought she was dead.
Then came selfharming, eating disorder, teen pregancy, serious abuse of baby by its father and 18 months of Court during which she lived with me and I raised the baby.
Then 3 yrs of hell when Court granted the abuser access and she went back to him.
We at last got her out 2 yrs ago and I gradually put GC back together with help from a psychologist. An utterly traumatised child.
His development caught up and eventually they moved into their own home with support in place
DD had a job, went to college, accessed therapy. I was so proud and for the first time had hope for her.
The last few months I've noticed a downward spiral. Long story short, she's come out as polygamorous. Moved a M_F couple into their home (with dogs - GC has autism and zero regulation around dogs).
This child has a particularly strong need of stability and security. They're living openly as a "throuple" sleeping together in the next bedroom.
This child regularly wakes in the night. He is definitely not oblivious.
She's neglecting him in terms of school attendance and hygiene.
I think the dam has burst. I'm so full of ten years' pent up rage and were it not for GC I'd seriously walk away. I never, ever thought I would.
I can't take any more. Son's suicide is devastating to all of us. But none of the other AC are like this. They have grief and difficulties and all have accessed support from myself amd therapists at times. They try hard to carry on and live with it.
For myself, it's a pain I'll never recover from and I've never had time to sit with it despite years of therapy because there's always another crisis with DD. DS broke my heart and I still haven't had one day where I don't think of him.
I can't take any more.
This is really just a rant but I had to get it out. My bipolar and ptsd are causing me all kinds of issues and I know it's the rage, stress and anxiety causing this . I feel desperate.
I'm crying as I write this - and I never cry. I never start threads either. Idk why I've finally caved after all this time but I have. I don't know how NOT to be strong if thst makes even the slightest sense.

You sound like a tower of strength for the whole family @Weatherwax13, I'm not surprised that chafes at times. They are all so lucky to have you, especially that little boy. And I'm so sorry to hear about your son.

You sound wonderful, and I'm sorry all your energy has been sucked out by this process. If you do need to take a step back you have already done so much. I know it isn't that easy though

You sound understandably totally done. I can’t even imagine the weight of emotion on you.

I also wanted to second @StalkedByASpider in that I wondered if autism had ever been looked into. Many women with autism are diagnosed incorrectly with borderline personality disorder (if that is what BPD refers to in your post)

either way you I just wanted to give you a virtual hug. Your GC is lucky to have you.

I'm so sorry OP that you've lost a child to suicide and then have another child who has attempted it multiple times. And you've had no chance to breathe, honestly I don't know how you have managed.

I don't have advice. Just offering a handhold really.

I could have written most of this post! I now have the 3 GC’s living with me (with a care order) and it’s hard in different ways but I know that I have minimised the bad things they are exposed to. But did I want to raise 3 more children? Not really. It is so terribly frustrating when you think things are on the up and then suddenly they’re not but I think that’s the nature of BPD. I know that my DD doesn’t want to be like this and if she could do it another way she would. That helps me keep the frustration inside to some extent.

Sending you patience and strength, which you seem to have already, but we can always do with a top up!

I feel so sorry for your grandchild, coming from being abused as a baby to now living in a completely inappropriate home environment, he lacks hygiene and misses school frequently . Its all quite sad and this is the time where you MUST get social services involved. How can she move in and be having gross relations with strangers and all sleeping in the bed and the child wakes in the night often. Its all very terrible and not a loving family home. Makes me feel very upset for this boy as it seems like he has had it tough from birth.
Op, please get in touch with social services and have it all written down so that it is easier to speak out when on phone with them or go in person.

How old is your grandchild?

So grateful to all you vipers. I can't talk to anyone outside the family IRL so the support here means heaps to me.
I fully sympathise @FunWithFlagz
I hear your exhaustion.
You end up thinking "What have I done to deserve this" don't you? I admire your strength and wish at the same time you didn't need it.
I'm interested in comments around autism as I do know that DD's therapist has asked her to get another psychiatrist referral to re-examine her diagnosis as it was made when she was a teenager.
DD hasn't followed this up but I do feel that she likes having the borderline personality label as it gives her a reason/excuse fir many things.
She has always had huge (and damaging) obsessions which cause hell.
Thanks for your thoughts

i think I would have huge concerns like you about the kind of people that are living with him. I would contact social services. If a guardianship was put in place I think you would get paid? Would that allow your dh to still retire. She isn’t considering her child’s needs sadly.

It sounds to me like he's being neglected and abused. I think you need to step in - it's sad for your husband that he's now on anti depressants, it can't be easy for him, but what sort of life does that little boy have ahead of him if nobody intervenes?

My heart goes out to you and also to your dh. I hope the antidepressants give him some respite from the sadness. My dh took his own life five years ago and I can see that my FIL is completely broken by it. Is there anything you still enjoy together that gives you some happy space?

I don't have advice as such but I would think many times before having the GC with you. I have hope that your dd could be supported by social services with him.

I feel very jealous when my friends with kids the same age tell me all the great things their offspring are up to and i’m picking up the pieces of her latest shit show while potty training her toddler. I just want everything to be ok. But we keep on going don’t we. We’ve definitely not done anything to deserve it!

You’re doing amazingly. You know what you have to do next, and it’s shit, but your GC deserves it and it’ll all be ok in the end. That’s what I tell myself anyway!

I can understand I had a close friend like this our DD’s ages 9 have grown up together from age 1. I had to cut her off he child smells, has filthy nails mattered hair and she gets a cheap microwave meal every night. I tried having them round twice I week and would bath her daughter and make her a decent meal while my friend lay on my sofa then she started taking lots of valium and drives with her DD in the car. She has had 3 accidents

I have cut her off and told her a few home truths and a other friend called social services. They did nothing. I cannot do it anymore worrying that she will kill her child in that car. Knowing that this little girl I love is not having her basic needs met. All of her friends have cut her off because we can’t stand by feeling hopeless anymore. This has gradually got worse over the years and the father is a hopeless drinker. Her family need to intervene but they don’t because she has become a compulsive liar. Horrible situation.

Life’s been relentless for you, you really have my sympathies. The current vogue for treating every weird sexual setup as a civil rights issue would be hilarious if it didn’t affect children.

This sounds so stressful. Do you think the family and Children’s Services would support residential special school? I know your GC will not want to be separated from his mother but given his background is likely to need utter stability.

This all sounds like it's going downhill pretty fast again. He's only 7, there could be over a decade of this fluctuating stability left.

I didn't want to read and not say anything. You sound an incredible person who has shouldered a massive burden for years. I really hope that you can find a way forward that gives you and your oh some kind of peace and normality.

Not saying this is a fact about DD or that she was misdiagnosed but lots of women are diagnosed with BPD or bipolar and they are actually autistic.

This is just heartbreaking to read. I have so much sympathy and respect for you dealing with all this. You shouldn’t be forced into having your GC (although clearly it would be the best outcome for that little boy) but I can’t help but feel utterly disgusted with your DD. Anyone that puts their own sexual gratification above their vulnerable child’s needs is just not a good person. Social services need to be involved to try and protect your GS but you are not responsible for your DD’s mental health any longer. If she wants to try and use suicide as a tool for emotional blackmail you will have to let her. I would be telling her that you have given her everything you have and you simply can’t do it for her anymore and that your only focus and priority is your GS from this point on.

@ootb
I have a psychology degree and bipolar disorder.
I'm extremely experienced in these issues having worked with psychiatrists and psychologists since my DS's bipolar diagnosis in 2010.
I have my sons suicide note and my DD's verbal accounts of her thought process leading up to her attempts.
I do hear what you're saying but there is a very manipulative quality to much of what's happened. Believe me I've analysed my opinions/motivation and had a lot of therapy with a clinical psychologist to unpick it all.
Obviously there's much more I could say but details are probably outing

@Nosleepforthismum
It was feeling much like this that pushed me into starting the thread.
I wish I'd done it sooner

No words of wisdom but total support and respect for you; I can’t begin to imagine how you are impacted by all of this. I really wish Social Services could help you more. I’m sure you have tried to deal with your DD and DS every which way how and just sending you a hug.

Sometimes it's really easy to get completely overwhelmed with a situation, so just tackle one part of it. And by the sound of it, that's providing a stable and safe environment for a young child.

Maybe you need to just cut contact with your DD while she's in this situation. She's an adult, you can't make her do something she doesn't want to so maybe walking away is the only option right now. Look at it as self-preservation, perhaps? Tell her that you love her but you can't be in the front row to watch this phase of self-destruction.

Being parents of adult children is far harder than I expected it to be, I naively thought that our job was done

I read this and thought you must have just finally lost the plot, OP, and not surprisingly! I can't read your posts without feeling stressed... Just a day in your life must be overwhelming.

Coping against all odds must have become second nature to you.

I wish I had some kind of solution or wand to wave. You deserve a break. You deserve a relaxed and happy life!

You said something about your other DD helping out with the GC, but then you discounted the idea because her life has already been disrupted enough. Well, yes... But she's younger than you and has more energy left. And you can't go on forever protecting everyone but yourself.

Sending massive hugs, respect to you and @funwithflags.

My parents made the decision to limit what support they give me for my MH stuff. I had two multi-year stints that were life-threateningly severe, as a teen and then again in my 30s. It has been awful.

It is painful for all of us but the truth of it is it’s better with them not involved in my care. I respect their decision even if I do not always think it wise or feel it kind. We are not NC but they do not rescue nor care coordinate (appointments, meds, referrals and that sort of thing are all my stuff to deal with). They did help me a lot with housing when my marriage broke down and I am beyond grateful for that.

It is different in as much as my behaviour not as chaotic as you describe, and there are no GC involved. In your situation I would centre the GC. What can you do to make things better for them?

One time another friend whose daughter was having problems came to speak to me for support. I did not know what to say (how could I? I could see it is awful but I am not a mother myself). My own mother suggested

“just reassure her how much families can survive”

and in our case that’s very true. (I am not the only one of my siblings to have had problems like this - my poor parents.) The data show that in the majority of cases, behaviour like your daughter’s now, resolves (people do not stay like that forever) although it can take years for more stable patterns to emerge.

Sending lots of love, and giving you permission to take all the steps back that you need to (although I would stay involved for your GS, personally).

This all sounds like a never ending nightmare. Utterly exhausting. Sending much sympathy and virtual hugs. Much as I love my clutch of grandchildren , I would not want to contemplate raising them.

Jesus, you are one incredible woman. Your children and grandchildren are so incredibly lucky to have you on their team. How you arent completely broken is beyond me.

I suspect you will find that many services will be suppotive of your daughters lifestyle choice. You will need evidence of actual harm (seeing sexual acts, being exposed to unsuitable material, neglect etc) to your grandson before they will consider an intervention. I totally agree with you, the type of people who would move in with a single mother are not going to be good news.

Good luck to you.