Adult DD. I'm done. TW *mentions suicide*

[Weatherwax13]

DD 24, mother of 7 yr old GC. For ten years
I've supported her through thick and thin.
We lost my AS to suicide 2013 and shortly after, DD received a BPD diagnosis.
I have held her hand, accessed treatment for her at every turn, given so much emotional and financial support.
I''ve never abandoned her and its taken so much of my attention away from my other DC.
She took 5 overdoses over two years including one occasion it took 24 hrs to find her. Police helicopter, the works. I thought she was dead.
Then came selfharming, eating disorder, teen pregancy, serious abuse of baby by its father and 18 months of Court during which she lived with me and I raised the baby.
Then 3 yrs of hell when Court granted the abuser access and she went back to him.
We at last got her out 2 yrs ago and I gradually put GC back together with help from a psychologist. An utterly traumatised child.
His development caught up and eventually they moved into their own home with support in place
DD had a job, went to college, accessed therapy. I was so proud and for the first time had hope for her.
The last few months I've noticed a downward spiral. Long story short, she's come out as polygamorous. Moved a M_F couple into their home (with dogs - GC has autism and zero regulation around dogs).
This child has a particularly strong need of stability and security. They're living openly as a "throuple" sleeping together in the next bedroom.
This child regularly wakes in the night. He is definitely not oblivious.
She's neglecting him in terms of school attendance and hygiene.
I think the dam has burst. I'm so full of ten years' pent up rage and were it not for GC I'd seriously walk away. I never, ever thought I would.
I can't take any more. Son's suicide is devastating to all of us. But none of the other AC are like this. They have grief and difficulties and all have accessed support from myself amd therapists at times. They try hard to carry on and live with it.
For myself, it's a pain I'll never recover from and I've never had time to sit with it despite years of therapy because there's always another crisis with DD. DS broke my heart and I still haven't had one day where I don't think of him.
I can't take any more.
This is really just a rant but I had to get it out. My bipolar and ptsd are causing me all kinds of issues and I know it's the rage, stress and anxiety causing this . I feel desperate.
I'm crying as I write this - and I never cry. I never start threads either. Idk why I've finally caved after all this time but I have. I don't know how NOT to be strong if thst makes even the slightest sense.

You're not the only one incensed by it, OP. Outrageous!

And yes, to your question here!

@Sugarfree23 Adult women I know who have been assessed for Autism rather than BPD have found the change of diagnosis life-changing. I have seen it make a significant difference to people because the coping strategies and treatment approaches are so different between the two ways of looking at someone’s behaviour.

This is not what happened to me, but I can think of several friends who had this experience. There is a concept that if you reframe BPD as being female with undiagnosed autism or neurodivergent traits and some degree of trauma history the person can be supported better. That’s why it can be worth looking into.

I'm just here to say I hear you, I am sorry you're dealing with all this and you are a fabulous and fucking amazing person.

My mum was a bit of a bloody nightmare, for reasons very much out of her control. She did, undeniably, manage to fuck me up a bit, but my grandparents are my saving grace. They stepped in when she got really out of hand (once they knew). They did not always make all the right decisions, with hindsight - but who can? But, they ultimately provided security and stability and, above all, the chance to see 'normal'. They are the reason, before all else, that I grew up to be nothing like my mother. I have had issues, many of them; but their love was what made me know I wanted to never live like that (and never have).

Keep on. I can't advise on how to help; you sound far more knowledgable in that area, already. But just, as someone who was once a child in chaos, whatever you do, you are doing brilliantly. You are an absolute star, just like my grandparents are. Fantastic woman.

@Weatherwax13 I want to thank you so much for your bravery in opening up in your thread. Your daughter sounds so much like mine, with such similar consequences for the wider family.

Your "sad and tired" DH, just like mine. Doing his best to show her how decent men behave, taking her and the DGC out for a day, talking with her, hearing her say everything was fine. The broken trust. Working so hard for all of us, realising that what I had been telling him was not an exaggeration. Seeing the DGC placed with us by SS and all our dreams gone.

💐

Oh, I find it very interesting that I've been labelled as "manipulative" simply because I mentioned I'd contemplated suicide.

My sincere apologies if I didn't phrase my post well – I've no doubt this will be called manipulative backtracking, but it's genuine. In my post, I did acknowledge that you must be trying really hard, to the point that would break any human. So it was in no way meant to put you down.

My point was simply that it sounds like a very complex and traumatic family situation: mental illness running through generations, possible adverse childhood experiences for all your DC, suicide in the family, etc. There seems to be some resentment and judgment towards your two DC for having mental health issues (which to be fair most people might have in that situation), while the rest are able to pull themselves up by their bootstraps.

This seems unhelpful for everyone involved, not least you. Especially with BPD – which I acknowledged consists of self-sabotaging, manipulative, etc behaviour – which psychiatrists attribute to an invalidating environment (in combination with genetics).

Therefore for everyone's wellbeing, especially your own, it might be better to take a step back and let professionals handle it – I referenced "professionals" as they're up to date (BPD especially was a poorly understood condition back then and has benefitted from new research this decade, as well as new info on co-morbidities as others mentioned), well-versed in such situations daily, and (theoretically) able to put it all down after the work day ends. I have a psychology degree too (incidentally was what helped me greatly in recovery) but I'm not a practising psychiatrist or support professional.

My mother and I get along very well, especially now :) I don't blame her at all! I remain thankful for all her effort and help to be honest. I know how much she loves/loved me.

I think it was probably wiser on hindsight for us to have firmer boundaries, and delegate intervention and recovery to professionals. It was a bit of a toxic and unhelpful enmeshment situation before that (just referencing my own situation, not yours).

I simply think the strong subconscious judgment she had/has – wondering why I couldn't have the robust mental health my siblings did, in the face of a scary childhood brought about by her mental illness; wondering why I couldn't have the robust mental health she did, after she learned to manage her mental illness; attributing manipulation and autonomy to things I couldn't help – wasn't helpful for my recovery.

Obviously, it was also symptomatic of the burden she was under then, which is why it would be better to look to professionals as well. And our family situation/mental illness history/risk wasn't half as complex as yours!

That said, this is genuinely just my own experience, which I know isn't universal. Please don't read this as me having a pop at you or anything – again, I've acknowledged that it must be incredibly hard in your situation.

And – sorry to triple post, but my badly misunderstood point about "challenging" was that some people "wise up" and benefit from "tough love" and being "challenged", but others don't.

In this complex family situation, it doesn't look like that continued approach is beneficial. Sometimes (not necessarily in your case, this is a general statement), it can do more harm than good.

We don't know if your daughter's suicidal ideation is real or manipulation; you think it's the latter, but in any case, this cycle doesn't sound like productive interaction between the two of you.

Of course, you're under zero obligation to treat any of your DC with kid gloves when their behaviour frustrates you. You're not a martyr either!

So again, it might be better for both you and your DD to leave DD to appropriate professional treatment (perhaps after taking steps to safeguard GC, though I know it's not that simple). As I said in my first post, just my personal POV which I know not everyone might agree with.

I really feel for you. I recognise your pain so well.
It's hard to believe your life's come to this, isn't it
@KinshipGran

@Weatherwax13 I too have had EMDR and it’s bloody fabulous isn’t it? Certainly doesn’t fix everything in the universe, but it’s great for desensitizing.
I just wanted to pop back in and say a couple of things here. Firstly that you are doing a fucking marvellous job just getting through each day with everything that’s being thrown at you right now, and everything you’ve been faced with up to this point. Those of us who haven’t battled MH issues of their own don’t understand the extra levels of exhaustion, confusion and doubt that they add to the mix. I’m just a complete stranger who happens to be on the other side of the planet, but I am both incredibly impressed with how you are holding yourself together - for your own benefit and for that of your family, and I am really proud of you. Have a cup of tea and take a few deep breaths and please wallow in that for a minute. Genuine support and empathy is hard to find. Adversity may have given you the strength you bring to cope with situations like today, but it has also brought you resilience.

Was just having a read before going to bed and saw your post. Sounds like we may actually be on the same side of the planet?
Thankyou so very much. Your words mean so much to me

That was
@Fraaahnces

Thank you so much. Sorry to derail as I was losing context a little I think. It's such a shocking situation I'm so sorry this is awful xx💐

Nope, I haven't asked for them to be deleted. They were removed – I think due to that one particular badly phrased sentence which I apologise for. Basically my point was that "none of the other AC are like this. They have grief and difficulties and all have accessed support from myself amd therapists at times. They try hard to carry on and live with it." is not a particularly helpful mindset to have. However, it's entirely understandable in the face of such a heavy burden. Therefore, it might be better to draw stricter boundaries.

"The problem i always come up against is this: she's had me over a barrel for years. When I challenged my late DS over his behaviour he killed himself. And then of course DD knows this.
And made several attempts herself.
So there's always the sword hanging over my head."

She uses the word "manipulative" lots of times to refer to her DD, and says the above.

I actually don't think I'm the black and white one. As OP referenced above, there are 2 sides to every story. I refrained from saying this in response to her post to me about "my mother's side" earlier, but gently, there will be lots of things she hasn't told us about the DC's childhood. Realistically – and I say this not to shame OP, as mental illness is no one's fault – growing up with a parent with bipolar and PTSD will not be easy for most ordinary people.

I've acknowledged multiple times that this must be really hard for OP, and that her effort and love is sincere. At the same time, continued extensive involvement especially if there is resentment breeding (repeatedly referencing DD's manipulation, the fact that the other DCs can just pull themselves up by the bootstraps and get on with it) is not healthy for either OP or her DD.

As for leaving it to the professionals, I acknowledged the strain on mental health services in my earlier post and elaborated a bit more.

I've apologised for my poor earlier phrasing, but I do think I'm in a bit of a parallel universe where (ironically) as you mentioned people think in black and white terms of angels/martyrs and devils, so I'll bow out here and stop replying.

That was a quote from OP's own post. I find people on this thread quite odd! Mental illness, especially intergenerational, is often complex and comes with lots of perfectly human feelings and baggage. There's a reason it's often a self-perpetuating intergenerational cycle, because we're humans and not robots. Nobody is a demon for having perfectly normal thoughts/feelings/certain approaches, but at the same time, it's okay to acknowledge that those may not be the most helpful in particular scenarios.

Last post here as I'm honestly finding people's angel/devil approach on here very odd.

🌹Best wishes @Weatherwax13 I wanted to add to look after yourself, so that you can keep being there for your daughter and grandchild

Good luck op, I think you have had a lot to deal with and done amazingly well. Don’t let some posters on here get you down

How are you feeling today @Weatherwax13 ?

Pretty crap. Thankyou for checking in. Really kind. @Ooompaloopa
I sought help from my own psychiatrist who was brilliant.
She knows all the history .
She rang an organisation for women and children who've been abused and also emailed everything I said to DD's psychologist who replied that she's calling DD in for an urgent appointment. She'll then liaise with this organisation. She's going to get DD's consent to do so. She'll be making it clear that without this she'll have to contact social services.
The organisation will speak to DD, and can contact myself and the school.
My psychiatrist believes DD has bipolar. As soon as she said it I thought christ, of course she does. She firmly believes that all the obsessions and risk taking are coming from mania and that a proper diagnosis and treatment will be a massive step in putting things right.
I'm also going back into therapy myself as I'm breaking and can see that I need it.
Other things came out today and I'm aware of having a trauma response. I just need to make my GC safe. And stop feeling guilty for handing this over instead of shouldering it all myself.

That sounds like immensely important actions you have taken already - to involve professionals, focus on your GC and restoring your own health.

I hope that you can ‘detach with love’ in order for you all not to go under.

I hope you can go at a different pace with a new plan of approach that is not all consuming and on your shoulders.

You must be exhausted xxx

Well done OP, please don’t feel guilty about not shouldering it all yourself, I think having the professionals help will be more beneficial to your DD, your GS and ultimately yourself. The bipolar question makes sense and if that is the case proper treatment will help certain behaviours. I wish you all the best, I do know, from personal experience, how you are feeling and it is so, so difficult. Please remind yourself that you are only human and can only do so much. X