Adult DD. I'm done. TW *mentions suicide*

[Weatherwax13]

DD 24, mother of 7 yr old GC. For ten years
I've supported her through thick and thin.
We lost my AS to suicide 2013 and shortly after, DD received a BPD diagnosis.
I have held her hand, accessed treatment for her at every turn, given so much emotional and financial support.
I''ve never abandoned her and its taken so much of my attention away from my other DC.
She took 5 overdoses over two years including one occasion it took 24 hrs to find her. Police helicopter, the works. I thought she was dead.
Then came selfharming, eating disorder, teen pregancy, serious abuse of baby by its father and 18 months of Court during which she lived with me and I raised the baby.
Then 3 yrs of hell when Court granted the abuser access and she went back to him.
We at last got her out 2 yrs ago and I gradually put GC back together with help from a psychologist. An utterly traumatised child.
His development caught up and eventually they moved into their own home with support in place
DD had a job, went to college, accessed therapy. I was so proud and for the first time had hope for her.
The last few months I've noticed a downward spiral. Long story short, she's come out as polygamorous. Moved a M_F couple into their home (with dogs - GC has autism and zero regulation around dogs).
This child has a particularly strong need of stability and security. They're living openly as a "throuple" sleeping together in the next bedroom.
This child regularly wakes in the night. He is definitely not oblivious.
She's neglecting him in terms of school attendance and hygiene.
I think the dam has burst. I'm so full of ten years' pent up rage and were it not for GC I'd seriously walk away. I never, ever thought I would.
I can't take any more. Son's suicide is devastating to all of us. But none of the other AC are like this. They have grief and difficulties and all have accessed support from myself amd therapists at times. They try hard to carry on and live with it.
For myself, it's a pain I'll never recover from and I've never had time to sit with it despite years of therapy because there's always another crisis with DD. DS broke my heart and I still haven't had one day where I don't think of him.
I can't take any more.
This is really just a rant but I had to get it out. My bipolar and ptsd are causing me all kinds of issues and I know it's the rage, stress and anxiety causing this . I feel desperate.
I'm crying as I write this - and I never cry. I never start threads either. Idk why I've finally caved after all this time but I have. I don't know how NOT to be strong if thst makes even the slightest sense.

Well while it's not something I'd be comfortable with, monogamy is a social construct. Some people genuinely are happier polygamous/open relationships and that in itself is not necessarily harmful to the child. However, your daughter is relatively young and vulnerable, having BPD makes you easily led. It makes you vulnerable because you have very black and white thinking and quickly become obsessed with people, this can leave her open to abuse and by extension, her child. I think school needs to be involved because they will be able to monitor your grandchilds behaviour and emotions at school as well as raising any other concerns.

BPD carries the highest suicide risk among mental illness, it is a horrific illness to live with and very stigmatised and misunderstood. I understand your need to step back because it is draining and it is exhausting, but your daughter is unwell. Holding onto your anger at her for things that she can't help (not all of it, just phrases like 'she's easily led - even at 24), those are things caused by the disorder. Your grandchild is the biggest concern here and if you do have concerns then ring social services and allow them to make the judgement call.

Thankyou for your support. I read that post again and was absolutely incensed. Kinda illustrates my point as to how people with mental illness can be cruel and manipulative doesn't ot
@MichelleScarn

I would suggest taking some time out to recover. You must be exhausted dealing with this. At a difficult time in my life I was told to look after myself first. The put your own oxygen mask on first, approach. I focused on what needed to be done that day only, which I found rather challenging. I needed to say to myself today I will not worry about what happens after that. It’s not a long term approach I know, but helps get through a crisis.

I think you need to contact social work. I understand that you don’t want to separate your GC and daughter but it might not come to that. It’s a massive safeguarding concern. I imagine if his school attendance is poor, hygiene is poor etc then he will already be on their radar but I do think they need alerted to the level of support he requires at the moment.

Actually bipolar type I has the highest stats for suicide. Which is my diagnosis.
I'm horribly familiar with suicidal ideation. I'm in constant therapy so as not to inflict that on anyone else.
This is what i mean about not talking IRL.
I won't burden anyone but professionals with my dark thoughts.
As a mother you simply HAVE to manage yourself @Moth@MotherofBingo

That's pretty much what I'm doing today Ive just realised. And thankyou for being kind
@notanicepersonapparently

I am so sorry about your son x

I can relate. Won’t bore you with all the details but I completely understand the feeling of being held to ransom (even if inadvertently) and the feeling of all the responsibility on your shoulders. It’s a heavy load.

You have really been through it and I completely understand your fears over her decision making given her history, plus she is still relatively young.

Taking a step back doesn’t have to mean cutting off, and to be honest I can’t see how you can cut DD off and maintain contact with GS.

Rather than having a problem with this new lifestyle, which personally I find odd but works for some, I would be more concerned with how well she knew these people before moving them in. I would be less concerned with GS being exposed to the lifestyle and more concerned with potential risks of ‘strangers’. What is your daughters living arrangements? And where were these people before, their age and do they have children?

How often do you see your GS? Perhaps for now you could have him over to stay for the odd night so you could keep a closer eye and see how it may be impacting him both emotionally and physically.

I would also be meeting this couple and giving them an unapologetic third degree, if they are decent they should understand.

In your last post you mentioned your DH going round and telling her you are thinking of cutting her off, what’s he going to tell her she has to do in order for that not to happen?

@ootb Your post has to be one of the nastiest and cruellest posts I've ever seen on Mumsnet and I've been here for years.

I've reported it.

I’m so sorry you are going through this. You sound like an awesome person and your gc is so lucky to have you.

Whatever I decide to do it'll be with GC front and centre. I guess right now I'm so exhausted I need to get my head straight rather than rushing headlong into anything I might then realise wasn't the best decision.

The best decision for who? Invariably being removed from the chaotic household he is currently in is the best for him, if he is front and centre then it's clear what needs to be done. This also means you don't have to bend and break to your DDs whims. Been through similar with a family member and its hard but the poor child needs someone to advocate for them rather than pop over once a day to make some sandwiches.

Op you need to report her to social services and as hard as it is you need to walk away from her. No good will ever come from it unless she sorts herself out.

Being a mother doesn't make you superhuman, this is why mothers do commit suicide - often. The statistics must have changed since I got my diagnosis then, and it would seem haven't been updated online across a fair few sites. I'm not here to argue about statistics, it doesn't change the fact that BPD does have extremely high suicide rates, nor does it change the fact that your daughter is unwell. As are you evidently.

I wasn't being confrontational in my post, I said that you should call the school and you should ring social services and it is very hard to deal with mental illness, particularly when you are unwell yourself. I simply said that your daughter is unwell and while there are some choices that she definitely is at fault for and should be held accountable for, certain things such as the obsession and being easily led are a result of the illness.

I agree with this as it affects absolutely everyone and tears families apart and it needs to stop and it won't stop it will just carry on.

What a nightmare.

It probably feels like you are constantly swimming against the tide and going nowhere but your family are extremely lucky to have you. As devastating as it is things would certainly be much worse without your consistency and determination and strength.

You are doing everything you can. He needs to be removed from her care. I'm sorry x

So sorry for the loss of your son what a tough time you are going through. I hope your DD gets the support she so badly needs and you find the strength to cope, you must be so tired emotionally. Don’t be hard on yourself, as adults we make choices, mum isn’t responsible for those choices. I wish you well for the future.

SS won’t remove children unless absolutely necessary. I’ve seen drug addicted and alcoholics raising children - turn up to school hungry, dirty and never have the right kit - I have donated my own children’s things for the kids and they have been sold for drug money - SS are stretched.

In your situation I would support DGS with a weekly sleep over - dinner - movie or day out - show him the support and love of family.

Be there when he needs you.

There’s little money available for the services people really need and I don’t see how this will end well if you go for custody - you’ll be cut off completely.

You need to square this with yourself that you did everything you could with what you had - and look after yourself.

Just wanted to say that I think you are amazing. There but for the grace of god, any one of us could be going through this.

So sorry for the loss of your son, suicide leaves us with so many layers of grief.

Your position is so very hard and I wish you and your family all the very best.

I wish I had some answers for you but just wanted to send my support and ears for as long as you want to vent.

Good grief. I’d cut her off and focus on her poor son. Unfortunately having mental issues doesn’t mean you can’t be wilfully stupid. It also doesn’t mean you can’t be an arsehole. Sounds like she’s both. I’m sorry. You sound amazing 💐

Really? I see people harshly criticising other women's patenting abilities every single day on here.

Sending best wishes @Weatherwax13

Your daughter sounds so vulnerable and it is hideous this couple has exploited the situation, then been enabled by a therapist.

If your daughter lives close is there any middle ground to help GC without having him move in with you/splitting him from his mother? Taking him to school, or staying over for a night in the week, holidays, etc, then stepping back at the other times. You sound so caring I am sure you have thought of all of these anyway.

Yeah, probably not accusing them of being responsible for their child's suicide?

@AllOfThemWitches

It’s possible to take a step back without going NC.

NC is quite strong and also sort of violent. Plus I think I’d struggle to do that if there are grandchildren involved.

I am happy or listen by DM if that might be helpful. Our family’s strategies might not work for every situation and were/are idiosyncratic but we make it work.

24 is actually quite young these days but everyone seems to justify their needs above the needs of others.Someone wanting to adopt or foster would never ever consider a throuple but bio parents can do what they want it seems.Very awful.Im sorry about your son.I personally think your GC should live with you.I get why thats hard and wish you strength.If anything practical comes to mind ill post.Im not a gushy big hugs type but i do empathise😥

I do agree the post was unnecessarily cruel, but OP you've said as much yourself more or less:

When I challenged my late DS over his behaviour he killed himself

I of course don't know what happened but I'd bet my house that it wasn't your fault at all in any way shape or form. Think how hurtful it was to read that post, this seems to be similar to the way you've been talking to yourself all these years though and how you are framing his suicide whether you realise it or not. And that's cruel to yourself.

Please be kind to yourself, it doesn't sound like any of this is your fault, you're doing your best in incredibly challenging situations.

I don't have anything to add that PP haven't, I just wanted to say you are one fucking incredible mother. And an incredible grandmother. And wife.

Please recognise this. Nobody is perfect, but you are doing an INCREDIBLE job, and cutting ties with your daughter changes nothing of the above.