Adult DD. I'm done. TW *mentions suicide*

[Weatherwax13]

DD 24, mother of 7 yr old GC. For ten years
I've supported her through thick and thin.
We lost my AS to suicide 2013 and shortly after, DD received a BPD diagnosis.
I have held her hand, accessed treatment for her at every turn, given so much emotional and financial support.
I''ve never abandoned her and its taken so much of my attention away from my other DC.
She took 5 overdoses over two years including one occasion it took 24 hrs to find her. Police helicopter, the works. I thought she was dead.
Then came selfharming, eating disorder, teen pregancy, serious abuse of baby by its father and 18 months of Court during which she lived with me and I raised the baby.
Then 3 yrs of hell when Court granted the abuser access and she went back to him.
We at last got her out 2 yrs ago and I gradually put GC back together with help from a psychologist. An utterly traumatised child.
His development caught up and eventually they moved into their own home with support in place
DD had a job, went to college, accessed therapy. I was so proud and for the first time had hope for her.
The last few months I've noticed a downward spiral. Long story short, she's come out as polygamorous. Moved a M_F couple into their home (with dogs - GC has autism and zero regulation around dogs).
This child has a particularly strong need of stability and security. They're living openly as a "throuple" sleeping together in the next bedroom.
This child regularly wakes in the night. He is definitely not oblivious.
She's neglecting him in terms of school attendance and hygiene.
I think the dam has burst. I'm so full of ten years' pent up rage and were it not for GC I'd seriously walk away. I never, ever thought I would.
I can't take any more. Son's suicide is devastating to all of us. But none of the other AC are like this. They have grief and difficulties and all have accessed support from myself amd therapists at times. They try hard to carry on and live with it.
For myself, it's a pain I'll never recover from and I've never had time to sit with it despite years of therapy because there's always another crisis with DD. DS broke my heart and I still haven't had one day where I don't think of him.
I can't take any more.
This is really just a rant but I had to get it out. My bipolar and ptsd are causing me all kinds of issues and I know it's the rage, stress and anxiety causing this . I feel desperate.
I'm crying as I write this - and I never cry. I never start threads either. Idk why I've finally caved after all this time but I have. I don't know how NOT to be strong if thst makes even the slightest sense.

I know you've all still got a long and difficult road in front of you but this is a good and positive update.

Thankyou. I'm awake again (not in UK atm)
Feel utterly swamped with guilt and anxiety. I'm going to pick GC up tonight (and his cousin) and we'll go away for the weekend. It's not unusual for us to take them on a trip a couple of times a year so DD will be perfectly happy with this.
Means I can get out of these four walls and breathe which I can't do if I'm constantly wondering about GC.
My DS manages a sports facility and was there last night when GC came for his weekly kids class. Usually DD brings him. This time the three of them rocked up with GC and DS said were "acting like GC's family"
DD met these people for the first time I estimate ten weeks ago.
I'll be adding this in a further email to the psychologist.

Are they financially exploiting her by living in her house? Has she been coerced?

Is there anything in her lease that prevents them living there - is she breaking any rules?

Could they be plotting to evict her somehow?

Also what do you make of the couple - are they older than her? Is the male dominant?

10 weeks and they've moved in 😲
They have to be taking advantage somehow, either of her, the child or probably both.

In the UK I think it's "Claires Law" that basically let's people do background checks on potential partners.
Is their a way to do similar?

Op you must be worried senseless. If he ex is a bit of a bully boy, do you think he'd be up for bullying them out?

I think she's being lovebombed which yes, is a coercion tactic. Also a grooming tactic. I know they've bought heaps of treats and toys. Fuck that makes me want to vomit as I type.
Ex cannot be involved. He's violent and dangerous.
I think his horrific abuse os a factor in DD's skewed mindset

My dilemma is that I'll obviously see her today so do I try one more time to sit her down and tell her exactly what I think or do I wait for the psychologist to speak to her next week?

I want to scream at her.

I haven't met them. They look young from DD's nauseating new profile pic. I'd guess late 20s/early 30s.

Don’t discharge any rage on to her - it will backfire on to you - and likely have consequences for your relationship with your GC.

Try to dial down and reassure yourself that you have done EVERYTHING that you can and now you have some new steps put in place which will kick in next week.

Give yourself time and space and try not to emotionally expose yourself to her if possible.

I think you're right @Ooompaloopa

I’m really impressed with the speed and urgency with which you have attacked this and with which this is being actioned.
You’re a fabulous mum and grandmother.
Is it a relief or more of a worry thinking DD may have bipolar as well? I know that there is a very clear genetic link, but it’s a lot more treatable than BPD.
You must be feeling everything atm @Weatherwax13

Jesus, i can't help thinking of all the truly awesome women like you who are holding together broken families through pure love and sheer grit. Imagine they were free to run the country, just imagine what all that energy and courage could do.

I hope your daughter gets the help she needs.

If she has bipolar then I definitely have hope that she can improve her life hugely.

I know this from my own experience. I wasn't diagnosed till I was in my 40s and the psychiatrist is sure it developed in my teens.
My life would've been sooooo much simpler and happier had I been diagnosed sooner. I really suffered and always knew there was "something" not right with ne. But I just kept pushing on. You do, don't you? By 18 I had my first baby and the kids needed me .

I just think I was so thrown off the scent by DD's BPD diagnosis. Because as I reflect on this it's so bloody obvious and I could kick myself!
Her late brother had bipolar and my Psychiatrist suspects that it comes down from my mother/maternal grandfather. My mother was horribly abusive and I do realise that some of the alarm bells ringing for my GC result from me picking up similar vibes from my own childhood. It's almost on a primal level that I can feel the atmosphere in his home. Sounds daft probably.
I really appreciate you checking in
@Fraaahnces
And thankyou for your kindness

@GrabbyGabby

I don't have much advice but do you think you'll be able to make her see these two leeches are a massive risk to her and DC?

And DD left a msg in the early hours asking if she can come on the trip with us. I think she's realised (on some level) that something is not right with her. She said she had a dissociative episode and couldn't sleep. I think it's a good thing that she's asked to be with us rather than stay with these other people so I said Yes.
Kept it very light in line with the decision to let the professionals intervene next week.
So I've asked other DD to come along too. A family roadtrip isn't exactly a magic cure but I hope she has a feeling of security with us reinforced before she sees the psychologist.
If nothing else, when two DDs are together there will be gales of laughter and maybe we can all breathe.

That's essentially part of the psychologist's plan for the appointment next week. She's fully across it now that she has my report. I've been impressed with her response to me
@Sugarfree23

I'm glad she's going with you. I hope you all have a good time.
Will be good for her to have some breathing space away from them. They sound suffocating.

You must be so worried about her and her son?

Absolutely. I'm barely sleeping. Ironically, stress is a huge trigger for my own bipolar so I'm really aware that I have to monitor myself and it's why I've reported all this and asked for professional help for DD.

It’s interesting that the moment you emotionally and physically step back from her she seems to find the space and perspective to notice what she needs emotionally and make better decisions for herself.

It’s wonderful that she is coming with you all. I hope you have a blast.

My only thing is would there be any risk of this couple taking over her home (changing locks?) whilst she is away? Or defrauding her in some way?

100%, IMHO, they have set out to find and target a vulnerable person.

It also looks like you are more comfortable with a BiPolar diagnosis as you can understand and navigate it with her with more hope?

But whether there are ASD or other co-morbidities associated the professionals can work that out.

I am also wondering if as a family crossing a 10 year milestone of the loss of your son is a significant shadow and unspoken stressor for you all? Moving into ‘decades’ is a huge painful shift.

You are awesome. Know that.

You're incredibly insightful and its good to read your posts. I've been very light of touch with DD the last few days "breezy" as Monica Geller would say @Ooompaloopa

Hanging everything on a bipolar diagnosis isn't a simple fix of course and if the psychologist can push DD to psychiatrist we'll hopefully get somewhere. Maybe it'll turn out to be a dual diagnosis.

Definitely I'm aware that the ten year anniversary is looming. There's been a big shift in my own thought patterns this year - and not just around DS but I know it's related.

I do have concerns around DD's house. Her landlord lives very close by (and is a decent, sensible person) I'm not sure what I'm going to say yet but I intend to say "something " to them this morning that will make them swing past the property. I'll also be getting DD to lock the screen doors. As I know for a fact that there isn't a spare key for those. That landlord won't take any nonsense either.

Fantastic news that DD want to come with you.

Won’t the couple still be at DD’s property whilst she’s away?

Apparently they're at work and she hasn't left a spare key @Iamd@Iamdobby63

I presume they must take the dog to work with them. Hopefully with your time away your DD might open up to either you or her sister and I hope it transpires that the couple have moved out.

No judgement of the lifestyle but your daughter is clearly vulnerable and huge risk for your GC to move virtual strangers in.

I hope the break away does you all some good. x

I’m so pleased that your DD recognises that things aren’t quite ticking along normally and that she is open to help (atm).
My mum was also abusive due to her MH issues and this is why I am so impressed with your tenacity and resilience @Weatherwax13. You’re exhausted, but you’re not a victim. While there is this awful genetic disease in your family, you’re very self-aware of your own limitations and needs. Modeling responsibility for behaviour (ie, not being abusive simply because you were abused) will definitely go a long way to break the behavioural patterns that may be seen through the generations. With consistent counselling, social support (family, friends, etc) and appropriate medication your DD and GC’s have a much better chance of stability. You are working wonders even if you can’t feel it yet.

I hope that you are having a rewarding and restorative Mother’s Day with your daughters and grandchildren - you deserve it - although I can imagine it must also be heartbreaking not to have your son on this earth today as much as any other day. ❤️

Hi @Weatherwax13. Not sure you’re checking in on the thread, but if you are I just wanted to see how you and your family are doing. Big hugs.