Husband using “massage” parlours

2018mama · 2023-03-14T00:05:30+00:00

I have been with my husband for 12 years, married for 6 years. We have a 4 year old and history of miscarriages. Latest miscarriage was traumatic and due to that and other things my mental health hasn’t been in the best place. That’s had a huge effect on our sex life, majorly. I am going through counselling to deal with this at the moment but today when I was working for hubby a confirmation of appointment text came through (connected to the MacBook) about a massage with a “happy ending”. He’d told me he was “going to his last job” so I text him with minutes to spare “enjoy your last job!!!”. he didn’t go, I assume because of this! He denied he was even going to go and said “the thought of it was better”. I’ve checked the rest of his phone and there’s at least 2 other occasions arranging or intending to arrange an appointment. I suppose my question is, am I wrong for being angry when I’ve “deprived” him of it?

SleepySlumber · 14/03/2023 00:11

Maybe rephrase your question to:

Am I wrong to be upset that my husband has secretly paid other women to relieve him sexually whilst I recover mentally from traumatic events?

In my opinion what he has done is vile and unforgivable - it’s cheating and he could have talked to you instead of going down this secret route for his own selfish needs.

If you’d not caught him out how far would he have gone with all of this secrecy?

StrawHatOnTheParcelShelf · 14/03/2023 00:14

I could not stay with a man who exploited other women for sex regardless of what led to that decision.

Porkchops22 · 14/03/2023 00:16

He's already been in the past. He's just pretending he hasn't.
I'm sorry, this is awful.

Original poster

2018mama · 14/03/2023 00:22

I was cheated on years ago and the minute it happened it was over. I can’t help but this time blame myself - what else can I expect? Other than thinking I had a supportive husband. How wrong was I….even more suspect, he’s now deleted all the messages! 😢

OP posts:

Northernsouloldies · 14/03/2023 04:21

Op please don't blame yourself it's all on him. He should be there for you end of. And don't get sucked in with I'm being deprived, he's got a hand he could sort himself out.

Eyerollcentral · 14/03/2023 04:28

2018mama · 14/03/2023 00:22

I was cheated on years ago and the minute it happened it was over. I can’t help but this time blame myself - what else can I expect? Other than thinking I had a supportive husband. How wrong was I….even more suspect, he’s now deleted all the messages! 😢

You are married. He is supposed to stick by you through sickness and health. Not get a hand job off a probably trafficked woman because he is wife is ill. You need to take this back to basics, he is breaking the vow he made to you to suit himself. You need to face this head on, be honest and tell him it’s not acceptable. Only you will be able to decide if his response to that is genuine contrition but if not how could you trust him again?

GBoucher · 14/03/2023 05:02

You're right to be upset. But I think women tend to underestimate how strong some men's sex drives are. Yes, I know loads of women will pipe up going they have high sex drives too, but, on average, men have higher sex drives and regular sex takes a higher priority in a relationship for them. How large a crime he has committed will depend on how long you've gone without sex with your husband (months? years?), and what the dynamics around this have been. Has he been explicitly asking and you've been rejecting? In what manner have you been rejecting? You need to have a frank conversation with him about what made him go down this path and how frequent it's been. Has he been doing anything else like having actual sex with prostitutes or with other women? If it's been massage parlours only and nothing else, I'd be inclined to forgive him if he promises never to do it again. This inclination (to forgive) will increase the longer it has been since you two have had sex and whether he has raised this issue of lack of intimacy before and what your response has been. This is what I would do if it happened to me anyway.

HistoryOrHistrionics · 14/03/2023 05:55

Of course he's deleted the messages - he's a dirty perv who's been paying (trafficked?) women for hand jobs. And now he's been found out.

Not having sex doesn't turn good people into twats. Which means he has always been a twat. Sorry OP.

Oysterbabe · 14/03/2023 05:56

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GBoucher · 14/03/2023 07:43

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How do you know he hasn't tried to have a conversation with her? That's why I asked if this was the case.

Doesthepopeshitinthewoods · 14/03/2023 07:54

He is disgusting. Truly. His behaviour is not your fault. And if he blames you for it, after traumatic miscarriages, you’ll know how disgusting he really is.

TicketBoo23 · 14/03/2023 07:54

but, on average, men have higher sex drives and regular sex takes a higher priority in a relationship for them.

Sex drives do not have to be fulfilled by sex .... They can be fulfilled by masturbation.

That's what you do when youve entered into a monogamous sexually exclusive relationship with another human being who (in this case for entirely understandable reasons, but it could be anything on either side of the relationship) is not up for or able to have sex as often as you'd like.

The other option is to discuss this and agree to an open relationship or end the relationship.

Those are the only three options for a person with integrity.

People who cannot accept and deal with natural ebbs and flows in the sex life of a relationship.... Are also unrealistic, shallow, selfish, and intolerant.

I'd be interested to know if you likewise excuse and forgive infidelity on the part of women with normal to high sex drives whose partners cannot have sex as much as they'd like die to erectile dysfunction, I'll health, depression, low sex drive etc?????

Why do I think - not.

TicketBoo23 · 14/03/2023 08:00

You also have appeared to missed the fact that people can have as high a sex drive as they like, agdcwaht sex as much as they like .... But no-one is entitled to sex.

Not in any circumstances, not for any reason.

Not from a prostitute, where bought consent is not true consent

Not even from their partner; a partner is a human, a person; not a sex appliance. They (male or female) are not a 100% guaranteed route/provider of sex and if you don't realise that, if you can't be realistic about that; you should probably not be in a monogamous relationship.

TicketBoo23 · 14/03/2023 08:09

There is a type of person who thinks it's acceptable to cheat on their partner if their sex life is not to their liking (even if that's temporary and due to understandable reasons) and a type who does not

There is a type of person, usually man, who thinks it's acceptable to cross the line over to prostitution, using sex workers (whom incidentally are often not entirely voluntarily in that trade, it is riddled with drug use, gangs, exploitation of vulnerable women, trafficking, lack of alternative options etc) and a type who do not.

Your h is a cheater and a punter.

CleaningOutMyCloset · 14/03/2023 08:22

SleepySlumber · 14/03/2023 00:11

Maybe rephrase your question to:

Am I wrong to be upset that my husband has secretly paid other women to relieve him sexually whilst I recover mentally from traumatic events?

In my opinion what he has done is vile and unforgivable - it’s cheating and he could have talked to you instead of going down this secret route for his own selfish needs.

If you’d not caught him out how far would he have gone with all of this secrecy?

I agrrr with this wholeheartedly

CleaningOutMyCloset · 14/03/2023 08:24

2018mama · 14/03/2023 00:22

I was cheated on years ago and the minute it happened it was over. I can’t help but this time blame myself - what else can I expect? Other than thinking I had a supportive husband. How wrong was I….even more suspect, he’s now deleted all the messages! 😢

Stop these thoughts now! It's not 'your' fault!

Think if it another way, is your dh had testicular cancer and had to have a various operations which meant he couldn't have sex, if you fancied sex would you go to another man and get it? If course you wouldn't. Your situation is no different

Dumpruntime · 14/03/2023 08:36

God, that’s so utterly grim, he’s paying women, likely trafficked women, to wank him off? I feel so so sorry for these women, being forced into situations they need to do this. Trust me, they will have no desire to wank your grim husband off.

I couldn’t look at him again, it’s nauseating.

Dumpruntime · 14/03/2023 08:38

GBoucher · 14/03/2023 05:02

You're right to be upset. But I think women tend to underestimate how strong some men's sex drives are. Yes, I know loads of women will pipe up going they have high sex drives too, but, on average, men have higher sex drives and regular sex takes a higher priority in a relationship for them. How large a crime he has committed will depend on how long you've gone without sex with your husband (months? years?), and what the dynamics around this have been. Has he been explicitly asking and you've been rejecting? In what manner have you been rejecting? You need to have a frank conversation with him about what made him go down this path and how frequent it's been. Has he been doing anything else like having actual sex with prostitutes or with other women? If it's been massage parlours only and nothing else, I'd be inclined to forgive him if he promises never to do it again. This inclination (to forgive) will increase the longer it has been since you two have had sex and whether he has raised this issue of lack of intimacy before and what your response has been. This is what I would do if it happened to me anyway.

🤮

Naunet · 14/03/2023 08:39

GBoucher · 14/03/2023 05:02

You're right to be upset. But I think women tend to underestimate how strong some men's sex drives are. Yes, I know loads of women will pipe up going they have high sex drives too, but, on average, men have higher sex drives and regular sex takes a higher priority in a relationship for them. How large a crime he has committed will depend on how long you've gone without sex with your husband (months? years?), and what the dynamics around this have been. Has he been explicitly asking and you've been rejecting? In what manner have you been rejecting? You need to have a frank conversation with him about what made him go down this path and how frequent it's been. Has he been doing anything else like having actual sex with prostitutes or with other women? If it's been massage parlours only and nothing else, I'd be inclined to forgive him if he promises never to do it again. This inclination (to forgive) will increase the longer it has been since you two have had sex and whether he has raised this issue of lack of intimacy before and what your response has been. This is what I would do if it happened to me anyway.

So it sounds like you’re saying it’s fine for men to cheat (even when that involves paying potentially trafficked women to abuse), but it’s not ok for women to, because they don’t have the same needs? Did you mean to be a defender of MRAs?

Men shouldn’t get married and make promises to be faithful if they’re unable to use their own hands.

Madmax1992 · 14/03/2023 08:39

He's disgusting, it's even worse that he's done it during a difficult time...you're having counselling and have had a miscarriage and the first thing to his mind is to pay someone to wank him off? Could he not have just sorted himself out at home? It's complete lack of care or respect for you. Know your worth!

GBoucher · 14/03/2023 08:52

TicketBoo23 · 14/03/2023 07:54

but, on average, men have higher sex drives and regular sex takes a higher priority in a relationship for them.

Sex drives do not have to be fulfilled by sex .... They can be fulfilled by masturbation.

That's what you do when youve entered into a monogamous sexually exclusive relationship with another human being who (in this case for entirely understandable reasons, but it could be anything on either side of the relationship) is not up for or able to have sex as often as you'd like.

The other option is to discuss this and agree to an open relationship or end the relationship.

Those are the only three options for a person with integrity.

People who cannot accept and deal with natural ebbs and flows in the sex life of a relationship.... Are also unrealistic, shallow, selfish, and intolerant.

I'd be interested to know if you likewise excuse and forgive infidelity on the part of women with normal to high sex drives whose partners cannot have sex as much as they'd like die to erectile dysfunction, I'll health, depression, low sex drive etc?????

Why do I think - not.

OP does not say how long she and her husband has not had sex for, but let's say a few years. I wouldn't be shocked if a man in those circumstances went to a massage parlour. Same for a woman. I don't know why you have made the assumption that I would excuse a man but not a woman from doing this?? If we turned this around and it was a woman saying her husband been depressed and refusing to have sex with her for three years, would you still just say, 'what's wrong with you, your vibrator not enough?' Also, as I said in my post, whether there's been any communication regarding the lack of sex makes a difference. If the husband has repeatedly told her how hard it is for him, how unloved it makes him feel, etc., and the OP has told him she doesn't give a shit, that's different from the husband just going off and doing something like this for the hell of it.

TracyBeakerSoYeah · 14/03/2023 09:05

I would just as disgusted if it was woman doing to this to her DH & would say "What's wrong with you, your vibrator not enough?"

How low can you go to do this to you DW? A DW who's had a traumatic miscarriage & is suffering.

@2018mama do not ever think it's your fault.
No decent man would do what your DH has done even if it's only gone as far as just booking an appointment then cancelling.

TicketBoo23 · 14/03/2023 09:07

OP does not say how long she and her husband has not had sex for, but let's say a few years. I wouldn't be shocked if a man in those circumstances went to a massage parlour.

You're not very good at reading comprehension, are you?

If the husband has repeatedly told her how hard it is for him, how unloved it makes him feel, etc., and the OP has told him she doesn't give a shit, that's different from the husband just going off and doing something like this for the hell of it.

There is absolutely no indication op's h has discussed this with her and indicated he would cheat on her)go elsewhere if she didn't have sex more.

Besides what if the person in the relationship could not just have sex more for various reasons ...... What if they can't change it? The only option with integrity is to agree an open relationship or end the relationship.

Abraxan · 14/03/2023 09:13

2018mama · 14/03/2023 00:22

I was cheated on years ago and the minute it happened it was over. I can’t help but this time blame myself - what else can I expect? Other than thinking I had a supportive husband. How wrong was I….even more suspect, he’s now deleted all the messages! 😢

Please don't blame yourself!

Your dh should be supporting you as you both go through traumatic events. He knows you are suffering and instead he is thinking if his own sexual gratification and happy to pay to use women's bodies to gain that.

He isn't a nice man.

I suspect he has done this before and is now trying to hide all evidence.

But even if he hasn't - the fact that he even thought about it, let alone booked it, and whilst his partner is is going through a difficult and traumatic time, is vile.

It would make me seriously question whether I wanted to stay or I wanted a man like that to be the father of my child. I'm not sure I could forgive or forget this.

TicketBoo23 · 14/03/2023 09:14

On the subject of sex; he's apparently only planned to go (except that's the script and proven as the script by the other bookings; it's extremely likely he's done it at least once) for a massage with a hand job.

Even a topless/naked massage with a hand job is not an great substitute for penetrative sex. So is he really only going for a hand job? Blow jobs and penetrative sex are apparently purchaseable at sex industry massage parlours. It seems very easy for a punter to up their service purchase during the sec acts. It also seems very easy for a punter to up the services on subsequent visits, rather than just stick to a basic handjob the next time and the next time.

If that is the case, he's risking op's health with stds. On top of everything else.

It's also worth pointing out that if he has bought sexual services in the past, which isn't behind the realm of possibility since you don't just one day decide crossing two lines - of cheating on your partner/spouse and of using a prostitute... . That some STDs cause increased risk of miscarriage and foetal abnormalities.