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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He has to be so personal..

153 replies

DizzyDozzy · 13/03/2023 21:45

DH during a row says awful nasty personal things, they hurt, they stay with me forever. I feel shit about myself.

This time it's my weight, I'd actually lost some and was doing ok, still a long way to go, but it was ok. He's done this before in totally unassociated arguments.

I snore, I know I do, I'm conscious of it, I've offered to sleep in the sofa. When he's not angry with me, he insists it's a non issue. But last night, he was angry with me and shouted at me for it, I moved to the lounge. It's not something I can help really and I don't think it's a massive issue, because when he's not angry with me he just says move off lying on my back and I roll over and it's fine, it's not every night. But when he shouts at me for it, I feel really unattractive, I've no idea why but I do. It's typical that last night I snored so he had the opportunity to have a go at me about it.

I've asked him countless times, to not do this. I get so upset, not about the arguments but about what he says.

I feel dreadful, unattractive and very very low.

I don't ever really get over it, I just put in a brave face and try to move on.

I don't know why I'm posting, maybe just to hear how others cope?

OP posts:
ImCrunchyOnTheOutside · 13/03/2023 21:48

He has damaged your self esteem and makes you feel unattractive and shit about yourself.

How would you advise a friend or sister to ‘cope’ with this, or would you actually encourage them to leave and be happy?

Greensleevevssnotnose · 13/03/2023 21:48

I'm overweight with sleep apnea, I bought a wedge shaped pillow and that seems to have solved it.

Original poster
DizzyDozzy · 13/03/2023 21:49

ImCrunchyOnTheOutside · 13/03/2023 21:48

He has damaged your self esteem and makes you feel unattractive and shit about yourself.

How would you advise a friend or sister to ‘cope’ with this, or would you actually encourage them to leave and be happy?

Yes I would encourage them. I'm just so bloody rock bottom at the moment, I'm finding it hard to cope.

OP posts:
Original poster
DizzyDozzy · 13/03/2023 21:51

Greensleevevssnotnose · 13/03/2023 21:48

I'm overweight with sleep apnea, I bought a wedge shaped pillow and that seems to have solved it.

It's honestly it sleep apnea, it's the occasional snore, not every night. But it's something he picked on before, it upset me and Sod's Law it happened again last night, so it was another opportunity to make me feel awful about myself.

I've offered countless times to sleep elsewhere, he only ever gets angry about it when we've had an argument.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 13/03/2023 21:54

My husband snores. I wear earplugs. Not make him feel shit for something he is doing in his sleep and clearly unintentionally.
Your DH is using it as a stick to beat you with.

Original poster
DizzyDozzy · 13/03/2023 21:57

Greensleevevssnotnose · 13/03/2023 21:48

I'm overweight with sleep apnea, I bought a wedge shaped pillow and that seems to have solved it.

Also, TBH I don't want to sleep in the same bed as him, so I don't think I'm looking to "cure" me, but more how to cope with his personal nastiness to me.

He's also said I was dirty, because he wanted a particular sexual act and I went along with it. I never ever instigated it, he 100% did.

It's always something and it's always something very personal, which he knows will upset me.

OP posts:
Walterwhiteswifey · 13/03/2023 21:57

Snoring is absolutely the worst noise in the world. My partner does it every night and it's driven me to insanity. If your DH mentioned your weight then I'm afraid he's right, losing weight will help. However there are diplomatic ways to tell you and it sounds like that's not how he's gone about it.

HowRatherGolly · 13/03/2023 21:57

I am sorry but he sounds really abusive towards you. Not everyone will agree with me but shouting at you, giving out personal attacks is abusive. You may want to go to the Dr to seek advise on the snoring, or go to your chemist, but its not on for your OH to treat you like this.

If you are in the process of loosing weight, it will take time so be kind to yourself. Loosing weight can seem like a huge task if you have someone who is commenting on it or making it a topic, good or bad. Its a tough journey and easy to give up on yourself if you have the personal attacks as well.

Moving yourself to the lounge to sleep, I mean that is just not a solution. I feel for you.

Original poster
DizzyDozzy · 13/03/2023 21:58

Wolfiefan · 13/03/2023 21:54

My husband snores. I wear earplugs. Not make him feel shit for something he is doing in his sleep and clearly unintentionally.
Your DH is using it as a stick to beat you with.

It's always something I've done, he never talks calmly about an issue if there is one, it's always brought up in a vile manner randomly during an argument.

OP posts:
Greensleevevssnotnose · 13/03/2023 21:59

Well he doesn't sound nice at all. My oh doesn't make me feel bad about it. I bought the pillow as I felt bad for keeping him awake.

Original poster
DizzyDozzy · 13/03/2023 22:00

Walterwhiteswifey · 13/03/2023 21:57

Snoring is absolutely the worst noise in the world. My partner does it every night and it's driven me to insanity. If your DH mentioned your weight then I'm afraid he's right, losing weight will help. However there are diplomatic ways to tell you and it sounds like that's not how he's gone about it.

Have you read my posts?

  1. It's occasional
  1. I've offers to sleep elsewhere, but he says he doesn't want me to, it's not really a big issue.

The absolute worst sound in the world is not snoring, it's the sound of your DH shouting nasty personal comments in and argument totally unrelated to weight or snoring.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 13/03/2023 22:05

Sounds like a lot of arguments and a lot of vile and spiteful comments. Zero love and respect. Snoring doesn’t sound like the issue here.

JanglyBeads · 13/03/2023 22:06

Have you considered that you might be experiencing domestic abuse?

He's nasty, controlling and makes you perform sexual acts you don't sound happy with. He's also making you feel dreadful about yourself. You don't deserve this.

I'd suggest discussing with the Refuge Helpline (you don't have to be thinking about entering a refuge to ring them).

billy1966 · 13/03/2023 22:08

Your husband is nasty and abusive.

Do not share a bed with him again.

What is your housing situation?

Please call Womens aid for support and a listening ear.

I'm so sorryvthings are so hard living with a nasty twat.

Have you family and friends to call on?

breakingthebank · 13/03/2023 22:08

He sounds horrible op. The longer you live with this behaviour, the more ground down you become. You've told him you are upset by these comments and he still carries on - he knows what he's doing and its deliberate.

GreenestValley · 13/03/2023 22:08

You sound very defensive and stressed
whats extremely personal about the snoring criticism? Whether its infrequent or not it might be annoying, is it the nature of the comments around it that feel particularly hurtful?

if its just along the lines of “god the snoring is so irritating” not sure its too bad?

lifeissweet · 13/03/2023 22:08

This is about something else. This is obviously how he deals with disagreement. He obviously sees you disagreeing with him, or being irritated about a specific issue as a personal attack, so feels the need to come out fighting and attack you back.

It's an unconscious (if I am being generous) way of distracting from the issue in hand and allowing him to 'win' - as you will drop the original conversation and give in.

It's really, really nasty and damaging and it's no wonder you feel crushed. You must think that is what he truly thinks of you and only feels brave enough to say it in an argument.

That would be it for me, I'm afraid. It erodes trust completely. How can you see him as your number 1 cheerleader in life if you know he has all these ugly thoughts about you festering beneath the surface.

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 13/03/2023 22:09

DizzyDozzy · 13/03/2023 21:57

Also, TBH I don't want to sleep in the same bed as him, so I don't think I'm looking to "cure" me, but more how to cope with his personal nastiness to me.

He's also said I was dirty, because he wanted a particular sexual act and I went along with it. I never ever instigated it, he 100% did.

It's always something and it's always something very personal, which he knows will upset me.

Show quote history

Fucking hell OP, your H is a nasty, misogynistic bully.

You really don't have to tolerate this. It is appalling abuse. What are your living circumstances, how hard would it be to leave him?

WorkCleanRepeat · 13/03/2023 22:09

Please leave this idiot. Anybody that can be that vile to you has no place in your life.

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 13/03/2023 22:10

Walterwhiteswifey · 13/03/2023 21:57

Snoring is absolutely the worst noise in the world. My partner does it every night and it's driven me to insanity. If your DH mentioned your weight then I'm afraid he's right, losing weight will help. However there are diplomatic ways to tell you and it sounds like that's not how he's gone about it.

Try reading the thread.
It's the occasional snore, & OP's twat of an H only gets angry about it if (when) he;s been rowing with her.

Janie1962 · 13/03/2023 22:13

JanglyBeads · 13/03/2023 22:06

Have you considered that you might be experiencing domestic abuse?

He's nasty, controlling and makes you perform sexual acts you don't sound happy with. He's also making you feel dreadful about yourself. You don't deserve this.

I'd suggest discussing with the Refuge Helpline (you don't have to be thinking about entering a refuge to ring them).

This. It's not about snoring, or being overweight, or being "dirty" - it's about you being emotionally abused by someone who's supposed to love you. Please, please get in touch with someone who can help, before it escalates into something worse. You don't deserve to be treated so badly.

Sending lots of love to you xx

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 13/03/2023 22:13

GreenestValley · 13/03/2023 22:08

You sound very defensive and stressed
whats extremely personal about the snoring criticism? Whether its infrequent or not it might be annoying, is it the nature of the comments around it that feel particularly hurtful?

if its just along the lines of “god the snoring is so irritating” not sure its too bad?

FFS can you not even be arsed to read the first post?

HE SHOUTS AT HER.
He's nasty about her body, & he calls her "dirty" for acquiesing to a sex act he wanted.

Is that not personal enough for you?

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 13/03/2023 22:15

www.womensaid.org.uk/what-we-do/supporting-survivors/

Original poster
DizzyDozzy · 13/03/2023 22:16

lifeissweet · 13/03/2023 22:08

This is about something else. This is obviously how he deals with disagreement. He obviously sees you disagreeing with him, or being irritated about a specific issue as a personal attack, so feels the need to come out fighting and attack you back.

It's an unconscious (if I am being generous) way of distracting from the issue in hand and allowing him to 'win' - as you will drop the original conversation and give in.

It's really, really nasty and damaging and it's no wonder you feel crushed. You must think that is what he truly thinks of you and only feels brave enough to say it in an argument.

That would be it for me, I'm afraid. It erodes trust completely. How can you see him as your number 1 cheerleader in life if you know he has all these ugly thoughts about you festering beneath the surface.

I'm you have hit the nail on the head.

He had counselling some time ago, as I had one foot out the door to leave.

He said then, if he's losing an argument he says this stuff, so I cannot any longer argue back. Which I can't, because once he starts this nastiness I "run", because I don't want to hear it, because if it escalates more and the comments get even more personal, I just can never I hear them and they play on my mind.

OP posts:
Original poster
DizzyDozzy · 13/03/2023 22:17

GreenestValley · 13/03/2023 22:08

You sound very defensive and stressed
whats extremely personal about the snoring criticism? Whether its infrequent or not it might be annoying, is it the nature of the comments around it that feel particularly hurtful?

if its just along the lines of “god the snoring is so irritating” not sure its too bad?

The argue ent had nothing to do with my snoring or weight, so why bring it into it?

Why is it relevant?

Just so he can stop me arguing with him?

OP posts: