He has to be so personal..

[DizzyDozzy]

DH during a row says awful nasty personal things, they hurt, they stay with me forever. I feel shit about myself.

This time it's my weight, I'd actually lost some and was doing ok, still a long way to go, but it was ok. He's done this before in totally unassociated arguments.

I snore, I know I do, I'm conscious of it, I've offered to sleep in the sofa. When he's not angry with me, he insists it's a non issue. But last night, he was angry with me and shouted at me for it, I moved to the lounge. It's not something I can help really and I don't think it's a massive issue, because when he's not angry with me he just says move off lying on my back and I roll over and it's fine, it's not every night. But when he shouts at me for it, I feel really unattractive, I've no idea why but I do. It's typical that last night I snored so he had the opportunity to have a go at me about it.

I've asked him countless times, to not do this. I get so upset, not about the arguments but about what he says.

I feel dreadful, unattractive and very very low.

I don't ever really get over it, I just put in a brave face and try to move on.

I don't know why I'm posting, maybe just to hear how others cope?

OP, every time this unpleasant and very flawed person sees you crying and cringing, you are handing him the stick with which he will beat you.

What makes his thoughts and opinions more valuable than yours? Who else but you thinks that this man sprouts truth and wisdom?

When you stop giving him the responses that indicates that he is wounding you, he will stop saying those things and look for another way to produce the same outcome.

When you put him out of your house, you will stop your pain. If you have become addicted to cruel language buy yourself a parrot and teach it a few offensive phrases

After a while I warned him that every time we fought and he got so nasty that although I forgave him, I always loved him a little bit less afterwards. Like we could never go back to where we were because of his actions?

This is what abusers don’t seem to grasp about relationships.

They think they can treat you with disrespect, disregard and lack of care, but don’t grasp that no matter how much you loved them once, every snipe and criticism and attack chips away at your love and respect for them. It’s probably because they grew up in families where their parents clearly didn’t love or care for each other but stayed anyway.

One day you wake up and realise that all the love and respect is gone and the only things left keeping you in the relationship are financial constraints or a sense of obligation or fear of being alone or the kids or even just not wanting to hurt your partner’s feelings by telling them you don’t want to be with them any more.

And as soon as you figure out how to earn enough to survive or that you’re not responsible for your partner’s feelings or obliged to accept shitty treatment or that being with an abuser is worse than loneliness, you’ll be gone without a backwards glance.

The only thing worse than being with a man like this for 20 years, is being with a man like this for 20 years and one day. Could you get a place to stay near your job?

@CheekyHobson, so right

Oh sweetheart. We're all here rooting for you, hoping you can find the strength to go. With a man like this, I'd strongly advise getting your flat and then just leave. Don't tell him / warn him etc. Once you have the keys, leave for work as usual, then return with a trusted friend to quickly pack and leave. Never look back. Take your dog, your things, and move on to a peaceful, happy life.

Nobody deserves to be spoken to the way he speaks to you. There is a great life out there, waiting for you x

Hes broken you, thats why you feel so low. This happened to my close family member of mine. She finally saw sense after 15 years and left him as it started to get physical towards the end and the cruelty started mild and got really really bad. 8 years later shes happily married with 2 kids.
Because shes stopped being treated like dirt by the ex, and her financially suporting, looking after house and feeding him (he did naff all) hes now homeless and still is to this present day.

OP, are you 100% sure you actually snore or has he only said this to you? Either way it’s awful and it doesn’t matter if you snore or not but could he be making it up to belittle you. I’ve known so many men like this. Stay strong and LTB! You can do it. Be brave xxx

Your husband is emotionally abusive. I split with my ex husband over ten years ago but I will never forget the nasty shite he said in anger. Occasionally I’ll have a dream where he’s yelling at me, but now (in my dream) I’m putting him in his place. Arsehole.

Oh OP he sounds so awful. I really hope you find the strength to get out of this marriage and divorce him. You say you should have done it 20 years ago, well don’t spend the next 20 years having that feeling. Or even the next 20 days. You’ve got the whole of the rest of your life ahead of you. Don’t spend any of it with this arsehole.

Does your husband know about the horrific traumas you have survived?

If so, I would fear that there's every chance he'll begin to use that to hurt you as well. He's already coerced you into something you didn't want to do sexually and then tried to humiliate you for it. You can sense him goading you into ever- stronger reactions.

Can you access any specialist counselling or support from women's charities? There are people and organisations out there who can support you with your next steps, and with strategies for minimising the impact he has on you in the meantime.

If you love going into the office would you ne able to afford a small flat near work? You have so many options opening in front of you once you cut off this deadweight of a man!

He's horrific @DizzyDozzy , please separate from him ASAP.

EMDR therapy is great for dealing with trauma and its effects. You can get it on the NHS, too.

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/ is good for helping you understand and recognise abuse.

PP's are right, move out while having as little conversation about anything as possible. Because he will try and psychologically damage you as much as he can.

OP, why in the world would you want to go back to where you were? Saying that is neither a threat nor anything that is going to move your needle one bit. Were you were has led you to where you are.

He is not likely to change, but you can. You can take control, of your actions and responses. It is not written in the stars that you have to accord value to his statements. Point out to him that he never has to hear you snore again (although you should look into remedies- sleep apnea can cause serious problems) . Let him know that you have heard him catalogue your faults and issues for the last time. He is now free to find a new partner to critique.

You have to stop giving him space in your head and your bed.

Once he leaves, you should seek counseling to determine why you repeatedly armed him with the weapons that he used to torment you? Work on your health issues to make your life better not to make him love you..

When you start loving yourself and being proactive in creating a happy environment for yourself , his comments will become yesterday's noise.

This man adds nothing positive to your life that you cannot provide on your own. Don't accept a bad man simply because you are afraid of being alone. You are alone now in every way that matters. When you get rid of him and rediscover yourself , you life will become so much better.

He’s a cunt.

Once he leaves, you should seek counseling to determine why you repeatedly armed him with the weapons that he used to torment you?

What the actual FUCK have I just read?
He torments her with her history of childhood sexual abuse @Mari9999
And you can shove your victim-blaming up your arse.

He also calls her 'dirty' for going along with a sex act he wanted from her.
He taunts her about her body.
He shouts at her for snoring occasionally. If you'd bothered to read her post you'd have learned she doesn't have sleep apnea.

How exactly is it you reckon OP is arming her abuser with weapons?
You've as good as told her that his abuse is her own fault.
I was minded to report your post for victim-blaming, but it's as well that PP can see what you are, & be wary of your comments on any similarly sensitive threads.

@DizzyDozzy

What you need to do,

Is find easy to do, ways of boosting your self esteem,
So you can leave your Nasty Arsehole of a sick joke of pathetic so called husband,

On a regular basis, find a way to vist a libarey to write a list like one of above posters said about different steps in order to do so you have cofindence to leave him for a good,

1.seek therapies that specialise in supporting healing from childhood complex trauma,
spealise in healing inner child, and childhood sexual abuse

There's all sorts of Therapies out there, not just counselling therapy,
Seek other types of therepies also, that you feel drawn to and instinctively feel can be beneficial for you in some ways to,

As thus is Holistic way of looking at healing yourself,

2.Get into habit of treating yourself to regular Holistic therapies sessions ,
try out varied selection of them, whatever feel drawn to,/curious about,
For e.g hot stone massage, reflexology Indian head massage, ect.

3.Also have a go at trying creative Arts 🎨 activities, at anything of this nature,
It's fun
It's like active meditation as whilst you are doing it helps to relax, so you do not feel stressed anymore,
You suprise yourself whilst doing this at what you can do creatively,
It's pure Escapism,
So gives your mind a rest,
So can think more clearly with Clarity.

4.Join a healthspa , has facilities such as jacuzzi sauna ect,
It's worth it,
You be suprise how being immersed in water for a short while makes you feel,
You feel very refreshed and it's fun, and potential opportunity to make new friends if you want to,

1. Vist various cafes, even its just to have a drink and daydream for a bit,

About how much your life will improve when you leave and get rid Arshole shit no good man who's currently in your life,

@TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu
What I told her was that as long as she gives him the response that he is looking for , he will continue to use those strategies to hurt her. When she no longer allows him to bait her that way, he will like for a or way. She can't control him, but she can control her responses.

You are telling her that she is a victim. I am telling her that she is a woman who can take control not of him but of herself and her responses.

It is offensive to suggest to her that her problem is not with her absolute control. She can't and won't change him, but she can and should change her self. Control of her life is not in his hands, control is in her hands when she finally decides to exert control.

He is an awful man , but a litany or chorus saying that is pointless chatter. She knows that. What she seems not to know is that she has agency in this relationship and she will have to be the one to make the change.

It is so sad to see women thinking that facing harsh truths is something that women are too fragile to handle.

Doing a list like this will support enhance in improved quality your self esteem cofindence,
So much that it will either just give you enough cofindence or improve your cofindence so much it will help support springboard make the leap,
essentially it's like a bridge, to transition over to leaving him for good,

1. On the list of Achievable things step by step for you to do @DizzyDozzy

Is to make a list of as many charties and organisations that can and will support you in as many different ways,
Look at the Internet,
posters you see out and about in libarey
Communities centres, ect

Also do as many things on your own Op@DizzyDozzy
So you are preparing yourself to being a single woman life,
Step by steps,

So when you eventually decide you will leave him for good,
The idea 💡 of being single is no longer scarey or looks like it could be,

It's just seems like a natural transition that's is/ was bound to happen sooner or later,

Rember being/becoming, single is just that,

It's not being on your Own,

As you have found out, being married to wrong kind of person,
there is nothing more lonely, than being a relationship with someone who is anything but a loving partner,

Also seek out postive supportive inspirational messages from Internet ect

Youtube is excellent resource for all kinds of creative Arts activities and almost anything else,
Ted Talks on youtube is inspirational people idea stuff too.
You will be in your element love this

Eventbrite .com website have all kinds of interesting stuff about all kinds of events on there online events and face to face events too
especially Creavitive Arts 🎨 stuff too

@Mari9999 OP can assert her agency by leaving this abusive creep safely.

Our responses aren't solely due to us- people can make us feel things, cause us emotional distress. Call anyone the B word maliciously for instance and they'll be unhappy about it, because it's considered an abusive way to talk.

What he's doing is utterly awful.

@DizzyDozzy You don't have to spend money BTW to heal after/during leaving an abusive man. For instance, The Freedom Programme is free.

Please leave this vile abusive bastard. Appalled by what I've read

Sorry OP for everything you've been through as a child and with your 'D'H. He sounds awful. I know this doesn't really help you but for him to be so nasty in an argument and say those unkind things (completely out of context) either means he has his own insecurities and makes him feel better to put you down, or he's a narcissist that feels good about putting you down. Either way he's taking advantage of the fact you're already a broken person from your previous experiences.
As others have said you'd be so much better off without him although I'm sure it would not be easy to just up and leave. Sorry if you've said this already but are you financially independent?

He's honing in on your insecurities and exploiting them. If he was not an abusive bastard, he would build you up not tear you down