He has to be so personal..

[DizzyDozzy]

DH during a row says awful nasty personal things, they hurt, they stay with me forever. I feel shit about myself.

This time it's my weight, I'd actually lost some and was doing ok, still a long way to go, but it was ok. He's done this before in totally unassociated arguments.

I snore, I know I do, I'm conscious of it, I've offered to sleep in the sofa. When he's not angry with me, he insists it's a non issue. But last night, he was angry with me and shouted at me for it, I moved to the lounge. It's not something I can help really and I don't think it's a massive issue, because when he's not angry with me he just says move off lying on my back and I roll over and it's fine, it's not every night. But when he shouts at me for it, I feel really unattractive, I've no idea why but I do. It's typical that last night I snored so he had the opportunity to have a go at me about it.

I've asked him countless times, to not do this. I get so upset, not about the arguments but about what he says.

I feel dreadful, unattractive and very very low.

I don't ever really get over it, I just put in a brave face and try to move on.

I don't know why I'm posting, maybe just to hear how others cope?

Run for the hills sweetheart x

@TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu

I do that!

I live in a flat by the sea, it's on the first floor it has a balcony, me and DDog walk along the beach and then have coffee on the balcony.

I've been dreaming that for so long, I've a friend who lives by the sea and I could afford a small flat.

I imagine Sunday mornings, after a walk spending hours on that balcony.

Hey, it's never too late! Do you ever forget that!!
Do not allow him to control your thoughts about yourself. Keep those positive words coming in your head. Over and over again. Your mind will start to listen to you.
Just be patient and give yourself time. You are only allowing that one negative voice in right now. Stop that!
Please try the headphones trick too. Drown him out. Regularly. And hum! And I promise you, smiling randomly will really confuse him!
Crying is a completely natural response to being subjected to this verbal abuse. However, it also makes you feel even worse. When you feel the tears coming, try to turn it into a laugh so it
actually looks like you are crying with laughter.

It will feel weird at first, but keep at it. Train your body and mind into taking back that control of your thinking.
Don't even respond to him when he starts getting personal. As soon as it turns personal, blank him. Even if he keeps going for a bit, dont react. When he gets no response he will probably bore himself and stop.
And then do what the PP has said. Start writing down your gameplay to get away.
Be ruthless and determined for you.

---

Your husband doesn't love you. You don't intentionally set out to hurt people you love, regularly and without remorse. So accept that first. He is not your friend.

There are things about you that he can't touch. Look at it in reverse. He goes for your weak points, but it sounds as though there are not that many - and those you have listed are all really shallow and/or changeable.

You can lose weight if and when you want to. That will stop the snoring too...

And you will remain the fabulous, strong, upbeat person that you are. All of those great things, he can't touch. He could say you're shit at your job, but it won't hurt because you know it's bollocks.

I think what I'm trying to say is that his repertoire of things to say to hurt you is actually quite limited and pathetic. They are not things someone would put in an autobiography all about you.

You are the great things that he can't touch. Your self esteem is in there if you look hard enough. Write yourself a list of your best qualities.

You went out in defence of the poster on this thread having their spelling criticised. You are kind. That's a huge first tick.

What else about you is lovable and worthy? Be honest, write a list. (It feels ridiculous doing that, I know)

Next time he says something nasty, take a quick look as say 'maybe, but I'm kind and brave and a loyal friend' in Top Trumps, you'd win every round. And he knows it. Loser!

The funny thing is, men like this erode self-esteem..they convince you that you can’t survive without them. Then you think you need to find some self-esteem to leave. Can be a vicious cycle. You need someone outside the relationship to explain that it’s abusive.
I had a snap moment. My (now Ex) H said something awful about me, something he believed was true..and I thought initially “I can’t believe he thinks that of me”..then suddenly “Wait! That’s not true! That’s a lie you tell yourself to justify your behaviour towards me.” The blinkers fell off. I saw him for what he was. I could never ‘unsee’ it. I got my ducks in a row. I crunched the numbers on costs. Looked at my living situation and how much maintenance I’d be entitled to. Booked a solicitor appointment. When I was ready, I ended it. It’s been a year. We are now divorced. I own my home. DD is far happier. I am far happier. I’ve met a lovely fella! Most unexpected.
Hold on to that thought that deep down you know you deserve better. Find that sense of self that is still there, even if it’s been worn down. Don’t dwell on “if you’d left before”, focus on leaving now and freeing your future self instead. Good luck.

May I suggest that you make a double appointment with a female GP, & disclose your history, with a view to getting a referral to a trauma-based therapist experienced in CSA?

It is hard, the first time.
But not only does it get easier, but you will be amazed at the compassion, understanding & wisdom that is out there for survivors.
You deserve support - proper, professional support.

I've been dreaming that for so long, I've a friend who lives by the sea and I could afford a small flat.

You will have an amazing life by the sea with your DDog.
Just being able to spend, as you imagine, hours walking the beach & sitting on your balcony - secure in the knowledge that nobody can invade your space, or bully & abuse you.

@TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu

Thank you x

How do I cope? I left🤷‍♀️

After a while I warned him that every time we fought and he got so nasty that although I forgave him, I always loved him a little bit less afterwards. Like we could never go back to where we were because of his actions?

When I left he cried and said I'd warned him this would happen. He wasn't wrong

I want this so much, I need to find the strength to get it.

I was looking at flats today, one had sea glimpses from the balcony.

I've said those exact t words about loving him a bit less every time.

It's futile.

I want this so much, I need to find the strength to get it.
It's already on its way.
You made this post. It can't have been easy to write.
As PP noted just now - you had the strength & kindness to defend a PP upthread.
It will keep coming, step by step.

I was looking at flats today, one had sea glimpses from the balcony.
This will give you strength too. Add Rightmove to your imagination tasks!

It's amazingly good news that you know you can afford to buy a flat.
Once you've seen a lawyer, that will give you strength too - knowledge is power.
There's also power in knowing you are moving toward leaving him, & the fucker knopws jackshit about it.

Sorry OP, just read your other posts. You are so incredibly brave and I hope you know and feel in your heart that you are surrounded by the love and support of people who are genuinely really rooting for you 🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍

Sorry I'm really offloading now....

He also does this awful manic laugh at me, when I get upset about what he says.

Rightly or wrongly, I honestly feel like I could physically attack him for this. It's so demeaning, humiliating. I have never done that though, but that thing makes me so angry and then afterwards I'm so upset.

I walk (or run) away though.

Oh, OP. So sorry for everything you've had to deal with. I'm wishing you all the strength to leave and make a lovely new life for yourself. You can do it.

I need to go to sleep now, because I've got to get up really early tomorrow to drive to work.

I've cried tonight, but I've feel strengthened by your posts.

I will return to this thread.

Thank you kind people.

Just as I wrote that post, he came up to bed.

I've come downstairs to sleep in the sofa, I'll feel more restful and less worried down here.

Oh bless you.

See how he's turning you into a person that you're not. A person you don't want to be. It really is time to get out, OP. You have absolutely nothing to lose.

It's been 5 years and I can still remember the glorious joy of waking up and stretching out only to remember that HE wasn't in my bed and never would be again. Oh, happy days.

He sounds utterly toxic. Time to cut him out of your life and be free from his cruelty.

You are so much stronger than you think OP. I'm so happy to think of your future, those Sundays on the balcony with DDog and the sound of the waves. It will be glorious!

You've officially got an army of us behind you now. Willing you on and wishing you well.

You can pop back here for hand holds, rants and practical advice.

I'm in awe of the wisdom of some posters on here who will be able to help with that stuff to lighten your mental load, even just making lists of things for you to tick off.

You've seen him for what he is now. You've got an army of women rooting for you and your lovely dog who adores you. You've got this

OMG @DizzyDozzy you poor pet - he coerced you into a sex act, you complied and now he's calling you dirty??

He's a total utter bastard, I'm sorry.