Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He has to be so personal..

153 replies

DizzyDozzy · 13/03/2023 21:45

DH during a row says awful nasty personal things, they hurt, they stay with me forever. I feel shit about myself.

This time it's my weight, I'd actually lost some and was doing ok, still a long way to go, but it was ok. He's done this before in totally unassociated arguments.

I snore, I know I do, I'm conscious of it, I've offered to sleep in the sofa. When he's not angry with me, he insists it's a non issue. But last night, he was angry with me and shouted at me for it, I moved to the lounge. It's not something I can help really and I don't think it's a massive issue, because when he's not angry with me he just says move off lying on my back and I roll over and it's fine, it's not every night. But when he shouts at me for it, I feel really unattractive, I've no idea why but I do. It's typical that last night I snored so he had the opportunity to have a go at me about it.

I've asked him countless times, to not do this. I get so upset, not about the arguments but about what he says.

I feel dreadful, unattractive and very very low.

I don't ever really get over it, I just put in a brave face and try to move on.

I don't know why I'm posting, maybe just to hear how others cope?

OP posts:
Original poster
DizzyDozzy · 13/03/2023 22:18

@Janie1962 thank you so much xx

OP posts:
Walterwhiteswifey · 13/03/2023 22:18

DizzyDozzy · 13/03/2023 22:00

Have you read my posts?

  1. It's occasional
  1. I've offers to sleep elsewhere, but he says he doesn't want me to, it's not really a big issue.

The absolute worst sound in the world is not snoring, it's the sound of your DH shouting nasty personal comments in and argument totally unrelated to weight or snoring.

Show quote history
  1. Leave him then?
Eyerollcentral · 13/03/2023 22:18

DizzyDozzy · 13/03/2023 21:57

Also, TBH I don't want to sleep in the same bed as him, so I don't think I'm looking to "cure" me, but more how to cope with his personal nastiness to me.

He's also said I was dirty, because he wanted a particular sexual act and I went along with it. I never ever instigated it, he 100% did.

It's always something and it's always something very personal, which he knows will upset me.

Show quote history

This is abusive. I don’t like jumping to that but it’s that simple. He in undermining you, how dare he call you dirty, particularly for doing something HE wanted. The snoring thing is horrible. I understand OP - I am slim and petite but I snore like a 20 stone man. I have seen the dr but they just said there’s nothing to be done. Tbf my mum is the same. But it’s something you can’t help that happens when you are unconscious. I understand it must be awful for anyone sharing a bed and it can feel embarrassing, but a loving partner gets that and makes accommodations. Your partner is not a loving partner and you need to find a way to get out of this. You do have the strength to do it, I promise you.

Wolfiefan · 13/03/2023 22:19

He does it to shut you down. To make you feel shit about yourself and “put you in your place”. It’s so not about snoring.

lifeissweet · 13/03/2023 22:20

@GreenestValley

It's not about the snoring, though. He knows OP feels bad and guilty about the snoring, so he knows it's a lovely little sore spot to stick a knife into. Ditto her weight.

It could be anything. Her relationship with a friend that isn't going well, another bodily insecurity, a mistake in her past... The vital point being it needs to be something that OP feels sensitive about for maximum effect.

She isn't being defensive about it. He's not telling her for her own good or to inform her, he is using it as a weapon.

Original poster
DizzyDozzy · 13/03/2023 22:20

@Walterwhiteswifey I need to get to that stage, but it's tough with little self esteem and feeling so very low.

OP posts:
Original poster
DizzyDozzy · 13/03/2023 22:21

Wolfiefan · 13/03/2023 22:19

He does it to shut you down. To make you feel shit about yourself and “put you in your place”. It’s so not about snoring.

He does.

OP posts:
Original poster
DizzyDozzy · 13/03/2023 22:21

lifeissweet · 13/03/2023 22:20

@GreenestValley

It's not about the snoring, though. He knows OP feels bad and guilty about the snoring, so he knows it's a lovely little sore spot to stick a knife into. Ditto her weight.

It could be anything. Her relationship with a friend that isn't going well, another bodily insecurity, a mistake in her past... The vital point being it needs to be something that OP feels sensitive about for maximum effect.

She isn't being defensive about it. He's not telling her for her own good or to inform her, he is using it as a weapon.

This is correct, thank you.

OP posts:
lifeissweet · 13/03/2023 22:22

I think the fact that he has had counselling and is aware he does this makes it 100x worse. What is the point of counselling if he isn't going to make the effort to change this disgusting coping mechanism?

Original poster
DizzyDozzy · 13/03/2023 22:23

lifeissweet · 13/03/2023 22:22

I think the fact that he has had counselling and is aware he does this makes it 100x worse. What is the point of counselling if he isn't going to make the effort to change this disgusting coping mechanism?

He did change for around 18 months, but it's back with a vengeance.

OP posts:
lifeissweet · 13/03/2023 22:24

Ah. So the counselling was about getting you firmly back under the thumb so he could revert to type... I see.

Wolfiefan · 13/03/2023 22:24

My dad did this to my mum for over 20 years. Destroyed her sense of self. She then developed interests away from home, got qualifications and took on a role that built her confidence (left school with nothing). Then she left.
It took many many years. But she was so much better off without that nasty undermining voice.
OP I do hope you can find a way to get RL support and build your confidence. You deserve so much better than this.

Eyerollcentral · 13/03/2023 22:24

lifeissweet · 13/03/2023 22:22

I think the fact that he has had counselling and is aware he does this makes it 100x worse. What is the point of counselling if he isn't going to make the effort to change this disgusting coping mechanism?

Abusers can go through counselling and change nothing. They don’t recognise they are doing anything wrong. In fact many of them are so manipulative unless the counsellor is really clued in they can come away having their pov reinforced. It’s a tick box exercise for him.

Walterwhiteswifey · 13/03/2023 22:24

DizzyDozzy · 13/03/2023 22:20

@Walterwhiteswifey I need to get to that stage, but it's tough with little self esteem and feeling so very low.

Your self esteem will improve greatly if you leave, as then he's not constantly bringing you down. You sound really deflated and that's not how you should be living your life. It will be hard to seperate but think of yourself and how much better you'll feel.

Dotcheck · 13/03/2023 22:25

Greensleevevssnotnose · 13/03/2023 21:48

I'm overweight with sleep apnea, I bought a wedge shaped pillow and that seems to have solved it.

Not the point

Original poster
DizzyDozzy · 13/03/2023 22:25

Wolfiefan · 13/03/2023 22:24

My dad did this to my mum for over 20 years. Destroyed her sense of self. She then developed interests away from home, got qualifications and took on a role that built her confidence (left school with nothing). Then she left.
It took many many years. But she was so much better off without that nasty undermining voice.
OP I do hope you can find a way to get RL support and build your confidence. You deserve so much better than this.

Your mum sounds awesome.

OP posts:
Eyerollcentral · 13/03/2023 22:26

Wolfiefan · 13/03/2023 22:24

My dad did this to my mum for over 20 years. Destroyed her sense of self. She then developed interests away from home, got qualifications and took on a role that built her confidence (left school with nothing). Then she left.
It took many many years. But she was so much better off without that nasty undermining voice.
OP I do hope you can find a way to get RL support and build your confidence. You deserve so much better than this.

So amazing your mum was able to do that, takes a lot of strength, fair play to her and I’m sure it wasn’t easy for you either.

unsync · 13/03/2023 22:26

It's not you, it's him. Please seek support from Women's Aid. They can help you. Please don't stay with this awful man. He will destroy you.

piedbeauty · 13/03/2023 22:27

He's horrible. Listen, OP, he's meant to love you more than anyone else. He's not acting like that! He's deliberately hurting you and putting you down.

Can you afford counselling just for you? Do you have RL support?

lifeissweet · 13/03/2023 22:27

I know what you mean, @Eyerollcentral.

My DSis' partner did this. Went to counselling to save his relationship. Twisted what was said in the sessions to still come out on top and anything that came up that was obviously his fault was ignored because 'she's a crap counsellor and she's just against me'.

It doesn't work when someone doesn't actually want to look at themselves and do the work, does it? Mission was: stop OP from leaving.

Mission accomplished.

Original poster
DizzyDozzy · 13/03/2023 22:29

@Walterwhiteswifey thank you, that's what I need. Hope.

I'm particularly down tonight, but tomorrow I'm in the office (which I love) so I'll gather a little strength. It's a very long drive so only go once a week. That drive will give me thinking time.

It's a really low night tonight, because he hurt me so much this evening again.

OP posts:
lifeissweet · 13/03/2023 22:32

DizzyDozzy · 13/03/2023 22:29

@Walterwhiteswifey thank you, that's what I need. Hope.

I'm particularly down tonight, but tomorrow I'm in the office (which I love) so I'll gather a little strength. It's a very long drive so only go once a week. That drive will give me thinking time.

It's a really low night tonight, because he hurt me so much this evening again.

He is eroding you.

You have to move away from the tide and find higher ground before you crumble to dust.

I know it's hard. It is such a massive thing, but you nearly did it before. You can do it again, but holding firm is going to be difficult and you will need support.

Do you have people around to prop you up and who have only your best interests at heart?

1980sfookup · 13/03/2023 22:32

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Ladybyrd · 13/03/2023 22:33

There really is no excuse for him being deliberately hurtful and cruel to you. My partner annoys me when he snores. But equally, I wake myself up snoring sometimes! If he's really bad, I'll wake him up and ask him to lie on his side.

At the end of the day, I know he isn't doing that on purpose to be unkind, so I'm kind in return. Whereas your partners comments seem be deliberately hurtful, and far more of a problem than what he's complaining about. I'm quite sure he isn't perfect either. Please don't allow him to drag you down.

Original poster
DizzyDozzy · 13/03/2023 22:34

@1980sfookup oh wow, that's nasty, totally unnecessary and irrelevant, I see a lot of my "D" H in you.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread