Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He has to be so personal..

153 replies

DizzyDozzy · 13/03/2023 21:45

DH during a row says awful nasty personal things, they hurt, they stay with me forever. I feel shit about myself.

This time it's my weight, I'd actually lost some and was doing ok, still a long way to go, but it was ok. He's done this before in totally unassociated arguments.

I snore, I know I do, I'm conscious of it, I've offered to sleep in the sofa. When he's not angry with me, he insists it's a non issue. But last night, he was angry with me and shouted at me for it, I moved to the lounge. It's not something I can help really and I don't think it's a massive issue, because when he's not angry with me he just says move off lying on my back and I roll over and it's fine, it's not every night. But when he shouts at me for it, I feel really unattractive, I've no idea why but I do. It's typical that last night I snored so he had the opportunity to have a go at me about it.

I've asked him countless times, to not do this. I get so upset, not about the arguments but about what he says.

I feel dreadful, unattractive and very very low.

I don't ever really get over it, I just put in a brave face and try to move on.

I don't know why I'm posting, maybe just to hear how others cope?

OP posts:
1980sfookup · 13/03/2023 22:35

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Ladybyrd · 13/03/2023 22:36

Your spelling is atrocious. Just saying.

You sound like the husband. Just saying.

Original poster
DizzyDozzy · 13/03/2023 22:37

@1980sfookup don't be that person, it's really not nice and it's totally unnecessary and unkind.

OP posts:
Findingmypurposeinlife · 13/03/2023 22:37

If you feel trapped at the moment or need time deciding what to do; as a short term solution, when he starts on you (which sounds often) put on some headphones and listen to some feel good meditation (Head space is a good start) and/or uplifting music to drown him out. (Humming along to the music helps. It keeps yoir mind focused on other things - it also means he can't get a word in edgeways) If its early enough, get out of the house and go for a walk and give yourself a good talking to reminding yourself how beautiful you are (think of a best friend telling you how amazing you are) Walk off his negativity and get some fresh air. It will also get you healthy. (For you) While walking, think of positive things that have happened in your life and made you smile. (Again, getting rid of his negativity)

Put a smile on your face (even if it is a fake smile) Not only will it confuse him, but it also tricks your brain into relieving stress, reducing your blood pressure and reducing pain.

When you have time to gather your thoughts, focus on your future and your wellbeing.

If ever it escalates or you can't cope, seek assistance. You can do this! You are not alone. 🤍

Original poster
DizzyDozzy · 13/03/2023 22:37

Ladybyrd · 13/03/2023 22:36

Your spelling is atrocious. Just saying.

You sound like the husband. Just saying.

If he wasn't such a technophobe I'd agree!

OP posts:
PicturesOfDogs · 13/03/2023 22:37

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

🥱🥱🥱🥱

GoodSister · 13/03/2023 22:38

@DizzyDozzy sending you love and strength, it is so hard to make a change when you are constantly under fire. It took me years. Have a break from him tomorrow and try to make a plan. I managed to do it by behaving as if I was just running through a list of tasks. E.g 1. rent house, 2. Get a bed etc. then when it was all set up it was easier, take care.

Hadjab · 13/03/2023 22:39

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

And you’re an idiot - just saying…

Original poster
DizzyDozzy · 13/03/2023 22:40

Findingmypurposeinlife · 13/03/2023 22:37

If you feel trapped at the moment or need time deciding what to do; as a short term solution, when he starts on you (which sounds often) put on some headphones and listen to some feel good meditation (Head space is a good start) and/or uplifting music to drown him out. (Humming along to the music helps. It keeps yoir mind focused on other things - it also means he can't get a word in edgeways) If its early enough, get out of the house and go for a walk and give yourself a good talking to reminding yourself how beautiful you are (think of a best friend telling you how amazing you are) Walk off his negativity and get some fresh air. It will also get you healthy. (For you) While walking, think of positive things that have happened in your life and made you smile. (Again, getting rid of his negativity)

Put a smile on your face (even if it is a fake smile) Not only will it confuse him, but it also tricks your brain into relieving stress, reducing your blood pressure and reducing pain.

When you have time to gather your thoughts, focus on your future and your wellbeing.

If ever it escalates or you can't cope, seek assistance. You can do this! You are not alone. 🤍

I do always leave the house when he starts, I cannot bare to hear his words.

We've a large dog, so I'm happy waking her in the dark.

However, it's always that I'm crying, it just upsets me so much.

I keep thinking, if I'd left 20 years ago....

OP posts:
Hadjab · 13/03/2023 22:40

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

You’re grammar isn’t exactly top notch, is it?

PicturesOfDogs · 13/03/2023 22:41

I feel for you OP.

The thing to also remember is you didn’t get into this position overnight, he would have worn you down slowly, but by bit. So don’t put pressure on yourself to get out of it overnight.

But you can’t go on like this, as it will only get worse and worse as time goes on.

Pretend you’re your friend/sister and what advice would you give?
You deserve to have a peaceful life, not second guessing all the time what’ll set him off next.

Original poster
DizzyDozzy · 13/03/2023 22:41

GoodSister · 13/03/2023 22:38

@DizzyDozzy sending you love and strength, it is so hard to make a change when you are constantly under fire. It took me years. Have a break from him tomorrow and try to make a plan. I managed to do it by behaving as if I was just running through a list of tasks. E.g 1. rent house, 2. Get a bed etc. then when it was all set up it was easier, take care.

Thank you, this is the sort of thing I need.

Ideas, how I start.

OP posts:
Hadjab · 13/03/2023 22:42

DizzyDozzy · 13/03/2023 22:40

I do always leave the house when he starts, I cannot bare to hear his words.

We've a large dog, so I'm happy waking her in the dark.

However, it's always that I'm crying, it just upsets me so much.

I keep thinking, if I'd left 20 years ago....

Show quote history

Ok, you didn’t leave 20 years ago, but you can. Don’t waste another 20 years with this fool of a man. It won’t be easy, but any hardships are surely going to be better than what your experiencing now?

lifeissweet · 13/03/2023 22:43

GoodSister · 13/03/2023 22:38

@DizzyDozzy sending you love and strength, it is so hard to make a change when you are constantly under fire. It took me years. Have a break from him tomorrow and try to make a plan. I managed to do it by behaving as if I was just running through a list of tasks. E.g 1. rent house, 2. Get a bed etc. then when it was all set up it was easier, take care.

I definitely agree with this. Get planning, but only a step at a time.

And bring someone trustworthy, who loves you, in on it, who knows all of what has been happening to you so you have someone to discuss plans with.

I was in a verbally abusive situation and having a friend to tell made it bearable while I was exiting.

One time he called me an ugly bitch and told me to fuck off because he was struggling to do something on the computer and I happened to ask if I could help.

So I fucked off. I drove round to my friend's house laughing all the way because I knew she'd think it was ridiculous behaviour (because it was) and because he could hardly be pissed off at me for walking out when he'd given me a direct instruction, could he? I also knew, by then, that every time he behaved like that towards me, he was signing his own divorce papers. I had the power by then. I became Teflon.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 13/03/2023 22:44

Why are you with this abusive bastard.

I hope you don't have kids.

There is a wide world out there and there are many kind and caring men. What on earth would possess you to stay in this situation?

Original poster
DizzyDozzy · 13/03/2023 22:48

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 13/03/2023 22:44

Why are you with this abusive bastard.

I hope you don't have kids.

There is a wide world out there and there are many kind and caring men. What on earth would possess you to stay in this situation?

If I tried to explain that, it would be pages and pages.

But in a nutshell, probably being sexually abused by four different men before the age of 14. Varying degrees of abuse, varying men including a family member. Including rape.

Which of course he says was my fault.

Life is not always easy to navigate.

OP posts:
JanglyBeads · 13/03/2023 22:50

I'm so sorry that all happened to you OP.

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 13/03/2023 22:52

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

The PP misspelled one word. You can't even spell fuck.

I can. Fuck off.

monsteramunch · 13/03/2023 22:54

He's also said I was dirty, because he wanted a particular sexual act and I went along with it. I never ever instigated it, he 100% did.

You're in an abusive relationship.

He's a horrible misogynist and a bully.

Original poster
DizzyDozzy · 13/03/2023 22:54

JanglyBeads · 13/03/2023 22:50

I'm so sorry that all happened to you OP.

Sadly it all formed my life.

Sometimes I think of one of my abusers and think, well maybe he actually loved me (a much older man, that sexually abused me), he never shouted at me, he never said unkind things, maybe he loved me. I returned time after time for him to abuse me, as I thought he was kind. That's bad isn't it?

Because I don't feel my husband love me.

If you knew me in real life, you'd think I was fine.

I can smile on the worst days ever.

OP posts:
monsteramunch · 13/03/2023 22:57

I'm so sorry for everything you've been through OP.

Leaving this bully would be the start of the rest of your one, precious life.

You deserve to be happy Flowers

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 13/03/2023 22:58

DizzyDozzy · 13/03/2023 22:41

Thank you, this is the sort of thing I need.

Ideas, how I start.

Show quote history

You start in your imagination.

Spend your dogwalks visualising a peaceful space just for you & doggo, where nobody but decent people are allowed to visit. Imagine how it will feel to be able to just exist in freedom & without being undermined & abused.

Then take the imagination to the practical tasks. Squirrel away copies of all asset, bank & pension documentation, hire a lawyer, get an accurate picture of what your portion of the assets is.

And every time he;s awful to you, imagine the look on his face when YOU tell HIM it's over.

Hug your dog & tell them your secret, make them part of your escape plan.

Original poster
DizzyDozzy · 13/03/2023 23:00

monsteramunch · 13/03/2023 22:57

I'm so sorry for everything you've been through OP.

Leaving this bully would be the start of the rest of your one, precious life.

You deserve to be happy Flowers

I cannot change my history, I cannot change my previous decisions.

I need to gain strength to change my future though.

I have told not one person in real life, I have friends, I need to start talking and accept help.

I appear a closed book, because I fear once I open the pages the whole thing is going to unfold,

OP posts:
squidgybits · 13/03/2023 23:01

He is a bully

TaunterOfWomenInGeneralSaysSayonarastu · 13/03/2023 23:01

Which of course he says was my fault.

He's a cunt OP.
I am so sorry about what happened to you as a child. Flowers

CSA survivor here, also escapee from coercively controlling marriage.
You can do this. You can leave this bastard in the dirty where he belongs. There is happiness, & a wealth of decent people out there for you in your near future. xxx