He has to be so personal..

[DizzyDozzy]

DH during a row says awful nasty personal things, they hurt, they stay with me forever. I feel shit about myself.

This time it's my weight, I'd actually lost some and was doing ok, still a long way to go, but it was ok. He's done this before in totally unassociated arguments.

I snore, I know I do, I'm conscious of it, I've offered to sleep in the sofa. When he's not angry with me, he insists it's a non issue. But last night, he was angry with me and shouted at me for it, I moved to the lounge. It's not something I can help really and I don't think it's a massive issue, because when he's not angry with me he just says move off lying on my back and I roll over and it's fine, it's not every night. But when he shouts at me for it, I feel really unattractive, I've no idea why but I do. It's typical that last night I snored so he had the opportunity to have a go at me about it.

I've asked him countless times, to not do this. I get so upset, not about the arguments but about what he says.

I feel dreadful, unattractive and very very low.

I don't ever really get over it, I just put in a brave face and try to move on.

I don't know why I'm posting, maybe just to hear how others cope?

When I was in an abusive relationship I didn't know it until I bought a book called unfuck your boundaries. I know that sounds really silly but I bought it because I struggled with boundaries with my sister. But a lot of the things highlighted in the coercive control list checked off on my then boyfriend. It was really eye opening. I highly recommend reading it. I didn't consider it abuse because he didn't physically hit me. He just said mean things and slowly chipped away at my happiness and self worth until nothing was left. It's no way to live. I'm so sorry you are going through this! 😢💐

One day at a time, OP. That's how you get free.

Have you ever talked to Women's Aid? Ever done the Freedom Programme?

It might help to find someone to talk to while you're getting your ducks in a row.

Secure your finances as best you can. Chat to a solicitor. Don't let on to your husband until you are ready, in every sense, to walk out the door.

You can do this

I’m so saddened and appalled by the things I’ve read.

I think you’re amazing to have survived so much, and you deserve so much better.

Very best wishes to you - take support wherever you can and don’t waste any more life on this twisted man 💐💐💐

He's nasty. He has to want to change. Have him enrol in anger management and counselling on his own. Ask him to take responsibility for his nasty ways.
Show him this thread.
Ask former councellor to help set DH up with courses etc.
If he will not attempt to fix himself - leave.

I don't think snoring is the issue in OP's case. It's the fact that her husband uses personal attributes to make her feel shit about herself. If she fixed the snoring he would just find something else to attack her with. I think your husband is cruel, OP. I'd have a chat with him about why he feels the need to do this to you.

OP you are amazing

The fact you have had horrible horrible childhood abuse and you can wake up get up leave the house, work and walk the doggo makes you a warrior and a hero!

You have inner strength in there somewhere you must do!! Your “d”H is nothing but an annoying pest a flea you need to flick away and live your dream of being at the beach.

Don’t let the manic laughter get to you as you will get the last laugh when you finally walk out the door.

Follow the other pps advice make a list to leave, woman’s aid, rental, bank statements etc and quietly get prepared to leave. Once your start these steps his insults will start to hurt less and less as you will know they will soon be history

Come back to this thread if you need advice or a handhold good luck on your beach dream

I promise you that you absolutely need to sleep elsewhere. Like in another house. Preferably closer to work. You need to get your MH together by being independent of that man. I think you would move mountains with him out of your life. I think you would be happy, the excess weight would fall off naturally because you wouldn’t be eating your feelings and you’d only be busy doing things you enjoy doing for yourself. You wouldn’t have to worry about his laundry, his tv shows, his hobbies, etc. You would just have to find your own “quiet” without the constant noise that is his incessant, grinding criticism designed to keep you chained to his worthless self.

I have to be honest with you - so NOT helpful. Are you reading what the lady is going through? THIS IS NOT ABOUT SNORING.

Op@DizzyDozzy

Your husband is like a real Nasty stink which reeks to high heavens

Rember when you eventually leave him for good,

He may try the tactic of trying to be fake nice to you to try and tempt you back ,

Such as lying say " he has or will do, attend those counselling therapy type sessions to improve himself",

Or

He will lying say "its my dysfunctional fxcked up childhood that's messed my mind up,
It's not my fault I am like this"

Or
something else along similar lines,

all bullshit really,

Like a horrific bad stink you want to get rid off,
Just be aware of this, this kind of fake nice attempts,
trying to improve myself to fit a narrative that will deceive you into thinking He will change, so he keeps you where he wants you to be,

I think you know it's time op, his abuse is getting uncontrollable and it sounds now as though he's really ejoying the power trip, he's becoming sadistic.
Some evil characters cannot control their impulses but he knows exactly what he is doing here, there is no need to point out to him that this hurts you, he knows, and that is what makes people like him even more frightening, the fact you don't trust your safety with him, let alone feel loved.

You shouldn't point this out to him, his anger is increasing and you are in the direct line for it, get away from him, he is not kind or reasonable, he is cruel.
The ironic thing is if you try to divorce this man I can see him losing control and doing all he can to stop and punish you for daring to leave, he believes you are his property to treat as he wishes.

I would speak to WA, you may feel stronger with them by your side if you decide to go, but in the meantime, try to stay out of his way and keep safe.
He's a cunt and a bully who needs a good hiding really, honestly no one deserves to be treated like this, so be kind to yourself, remember you are the lovely one, with empathy and decency, he shouldn't even be allowed to be in your space.

Remember you have every right to live on this planet during your lifetime without this tyrant of a man tormenting you each and every day.

Choose freedom, you deserve it.
xx

Sorry to hear what you are going through @DizzyDozzy you don’t deserve it one bit.
While you’re at work today, please find a quiet moment to phone a solicitor to book an initial appointment to talk it all through with them. Find out your rights and what you’re entitled to if you separate. Start planning. Take some control back.

You've had so much good advice that I can't really add to, but I wanted to add my voice of support to you leaving. I can picture you in your flat by the sea on the balcony

Years ago I had a similar partner who would get really vicious during unrelated arguments, exactly like yours. Spiteful and deflecting. I don't think you have any concept right now of the utter relief you will feel when you take the seemingly huge step of leaving him behind.

I say seemingly huge, because when you're stuck in that situation, getting out feels overwhelming and it feels easier to stay where you are, and find ways to cope instead. But when it's done? When you're gone and you sit down with that coffee on THAT balcony? Honestly, pure relief, joy, and calm will wash over you every single day. It's priceless, and you'll look back and wonder why the hell you didn't do it sooner.

for you

Stop "coping" with it and split up with him instead.

I need to rush off to work, but I will read all the replies at lunchtime. I've skim read some which are helpful and I thank you all for taking the time xx

He’s admitted he knows exactly what he’s doing when he goes nuclear with you. It’s cruel and manipulative. Everyone has those insecurities, and nobody who loves you would throw them in your face on the regular. If he had a genuine problem with any of it he’d bring it up respectfully, he clearly doesn’t, he just relishes in your anguish. Small, bully behaviour.

I've just remembered dying an argument about six months ago (the lad one before this),

He said it made him feel sick when I said I loved him,

He then was sorry, saying he was an idiot, blah, blah

I have said I love him on the very odd occasion since then, but everyone I said it, I felt very sad.

The other day, he was feeling anxious about a work related thing, he sent me a message with I love you. I just thought, yeah you're saying that because you're feeling anxious about work and not that you actually love me. You now want me to support and help you.

It's become very toxic the whole relationship.

Hi op@DizzyDozzy

Also seriously look into get sound good financiall advice from various sources,

such as your solicitor if you own your property etc?
And also financially advice from other charties /organisations that have good reputable too

Social security benefits you could potentially maybe entitled to aswell.

Oh this is such sad reading. Keep imagining that seaside flat with your dog and all those beach walks until it becomes reality!

Did I read right that he told you your sexual abuse was your fault? Then separately told you that you were dirty for going along with a sex act he initiated? Bloody hell OP what a complete cunt he is. This is really horrible emotional abuse.
A child cannot consent to sexual abuse. You were a child. It 100% not your fault. The fact you may have processed the abuse as a type of love is very common, it’s a normal reaction and doesn’t make anything that happened your fault.

I suspect that he is trying to get you to assault him. I think you really need to realise this.

Please OP, find a way to get away from this brute of a man. He may escalate one day and you will wish you had left.

Do you have a friend that could help you do what you have to do to get away?

I suspect that he is trying to get you to assault him. I think you really need to realise this.

I agree. He’s trying to get to you lose it so he has complete control, can tell everyone what you did and have the upper hand. He may even involve the police to finalise your downfall.

Keep walking away until one day you have the strength to walk away for good.

It is offensive to suggest to her that her problem is not with her absolute control.
This is an ignorant & ridiculous statement.
If women were in control of their domestic abuse situations, domestic abuse would end today. Why don't you ring Womens Aid & tell them where they've been going wrong all these years?

It is so sad to see women thinking that facing harsh truths is something that women are too fragile to handle.
No PP is withholding truth from OP.
You are just looking to justify your disgusting victim-blaming.

This is dangerous advice & you need to read this book to understand why -
www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling-ebook/dp/B000Q9J0RO

Abusive, controlling men are not curable.
They do not need anger management - they are perfectly capable of managing their anger. That's why they don't abuse their boss, their social group, the big burly guy in Tesco - they save it for the privacy of the domestic sphere.
Counselling does not work on them - they simply use the sessions to manipulate the therapist & justify their behaviour.
He doesn't want to fix himself - he gets his kicks from abusing & cruelly wounding his wife.

Showing him this thread would be an insane act of self-harm.
Can you imagine how he'd respond?
Men like this are even more dangerous when they sense their control slipping & that their victim is considering leaving them.

OP needs to leave, as soon as she can safely manage, & WITH A SAFETY PLAN majoring on him not finding out until she can do so.
www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/the-survivors-handbook/i-want-to-leave-my-relationship-safely/

Start with your GP.
Tell them you are being abused.

Ring Women's aid.

Tell friends the truth.

Has anyone a room to rent you, so you can leave?

Can you start leaving clothes and things at friends houses so you can move quickly?

He is not your future.

Start planing on getting away.

Allow people to hrlp you.

I'm sure you mean well but this is very dangerous advice.

Telling an abuser they are abusive is dangerous.

Showing them that you're planning to leave them is dangerous.

The most dangerous time in an abusive relationship is when the abuser realises their victim is planning to leave.

OP must not show this thread to her abuser.