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Original poster

Not getting married to protect his pension

235 replies

iwasaprincessonce · 12/03/2023 17:57

Hey.. new to this!

Partner doesn't want to get married, for a few reasons. I have been married before - he seems to judge me for this. The main reason is he suggests what if I decide to not want to do it after 10 years...? He loses half his pension and investments he has. This chat has completely threw me because I did not anticipate finances to be at the back of reasons for not wanting to get married.

He is very money orientated, it drives him. Yet he will not apply himself or develop himself at work to earn a higher salary, for us as a family. I have since found out I am pregnant. We may struggle financially with a new child. I achieved my degree last year and intended to go back to work, I am now out for another 2-3 years. He doesnt seem to get that this is a thing for me. Getting married gives me some security, and protection I guess. He is dead against it.

He has built up a relationship with my other children, and its lovely. He suggests why throw this all away for a piece of paper, is he right? The children are doing good that he is present. Their own father is no longer with us, died some years ago.

I feel vulnerable. When explaining this to him he has hit out with the comment, 'why did you get pregnant then?'. I feel this is very harsh.

Struggling with my own needs and not wanting to let go of that but also wanting to keep the family we have built together.

WWYD?

OP posts:
C1N1C · 12/03/2023 21:14

Absolutely agree with him.

He has financial security and a good pension. If he marries you he loses half (my mum is in the same position with her partner... she loses half if she gets married again), and should you divorce, he likely loses half again because of shared assets. Does marriage sound like a good deal for him??? Would you do this as a woman if this was your money?

Sounds like he has his head screwed on. Stay with him, it sounds like everyone gets on... stop pushing for a bit of paper that halves his equity... that's just selfish. You're only pushing for security which in itself is not a reason for marriage anyway.

ArcticSkewer · 12/03/2023 21:15

iwasaprincessonce · 12/03/2023 20:54

I got myself into this mess and I intend to try carve a way out of it. Sadly people are invested, and I will forever carry the weight of this.

I have very little support from family and due to making said choices my friends I don't see much of. I've had my relationship for quite a while now. He is flighty, and yes I shouldve known. I didn't get pregnant on my own, he has always been straight that he wanted a child, as did I. My children are 14 and 10. We have never lived together but intended to when we generated a healthy deposit. I stay alone with children.

This doesn't sound a great decision for your existing children.

AnneLovesGilbert · 12/03/2023 21:17

AskingForAFriend12 · 12/03/2023 21:13

I would leave him. He will have to pay for the childcare, who does he think he is? He will need to pay support.

He won’t. Especially if he’s self employed. You can’t force someone to pay for your childcare.

It’s as ridiculous as when posters suggest “he’ll have to have them 50/50”.

No he won’t. You can’t make someone step up as a parent, practically, emotionally or financially.

If you could do you think the kids of deadbeat dads are missing out cos their mums just didn’t fight hard enough?

Eyerollcentral · 12/03/2023 21:19

C1N1C · 12/03/2023 21:14

Absolutely agree with him.

He has financial security and a good pension. If he marries you he loses half (my mum is in the same position with her partner... she loses half if she gets married again), and should you divorce, he likely loses half again because of shared assets. Does marriage sound like a good deal for him??? Would you do this as a woman if this was your money?

Sounds like he has his head screwed on. Stay with him, it sounds like everyone gets on... stop pushing for a bit of paper that halves his equity... that's just selfish. You're only pushing for security which in itself is not a reason for marriage anyway.

‘Stay with him, it sounds like everyone gets on..’ aside from all the friends and family that can’t stand him.

LivingDeadGirlUK · 12/03/2023 21:21

If you decide to continue the pregnancy you need to plan to raise the baby as a single mum and thats going to be tough. Look up what you will be entitled to from the CMA and make sure you keep your employment.

As pp's said hes shown you exactly what he is and its bad news for you and your existing children if you stay with him and tie yourself to him with a baby.

Isyesterdaytomorrowtoday · 12/03/2023 21:24

If he’s self employed there’s almost no way to force child support

PutinSmellsPassItOn · 12/03/2023 21:28

Meh, I wouldn't be up for losing half of my assets either, I have a lot more to lose than my dp as.I own my house outright and have savings.and investments which dp.doesnt. ive sacrificed a.lot to build those up, theres absolutely no.way id put my.future at risk over a marriage. ....much better to be financially independent. If you continue the pregnancy see where you stand around childcare fees etc so you can continue working.

tanjaav · 12/03/2023 21:31

If you decide to leave him down the line, then he is right to want to ensure his pension will provide for him and that you won't try and take half of what's rightfully his that he saved prior to meeting you. It's also unfair of you to expect him to provide financial security for you in the event you divorce. But it's not an excuse not to get married - just get a prenuptual agreement.

Donnashair · 12/03/2023 21:35

tanjaav · 12/03/2023 21:31

If you decide to leave him down the line, then he is right to want to ensure his pension will provide for him and that you won't try and take half of what's rightfully his that he saved prior to meeting you. It's also unfair of you to expect him to provide financial security for you in the event you divorce. But it's not an excuse not to get married - just get a prenuptual agreement.

Prenups don’t guarantee anything in the Uk. Especially where there’s children.

ThereIbledit · 12/03/2023 21:35

I'm sorry my lovely but you have been incredibly naïve and you must take the rose tinted glasses off immediately. If it is not too late for an abortion my advice would be to have one. He's not going to financially support you and this child at all, that much is EXTREMELY obvious. Nor does he sound like much of a prize in the emotional support or parenting categories. You're going to be a single mum again, with an occasional babysitter, when it suits him, if you're lucky.

CandyLeBonBon · 12/03/2023 21:38

As with all these threads, the response you get would be very different if it were a man posting.

Well yes. Because men can't get pregnant, so are not vulnerable by virtue of the fact that having babies can put you in a poor position financially, socially, and from a work perspective. 🙄

Ugzbugz · 12/03/2023 21:39

Why the hell are you having a baby with this wierdo?

Zarqon · 12/03/2023 21:47

This is so sad. If the baby didn’t exist I would tell you to run a mile from this man, he is not treating you or the baby with respect or affection and the fact that he refuses to acknowledge any financial responsibility for this child or his last is appalling.

But you are pregnant and not working, so it is complicated. And you have gyno challenges so it probably doesn’t make sense to end the pregnancy.

What would I do. I could not love or respect someone like this. If he is helping financially at all, I would not end the relationship right now but I would make long term plans on the assumption that the relationship is not going to last long at all. I would never move in with him or make any joint purchases. As soon as I could afford to without compromising the baby’s care, I would end the relationship. I’d plan for a life as a single mum and once the child is old enough for school I’d try to get a live in job at a boarding school that provides free place for the children of staff (ie housemistress). That would give me and the child a place to live while getting her education sorted too.

Good luck OP. Really.

DustyLee123 · 12/03/2023 21:48

I can see his point, I wouldn’t get married again either.

Chonk · 12/03/2023 21:53

Jmaho · 12/03/2023 20:58

I'm sorry to sound so harsh but the more I read your posts I despair!
You already have two children with a man who doesn't pay for them
You then got back on your feet and were working full time and then you stopped working and now you're having another child with a man who doesn't want to marry you or pay for the child and who already has a child that he doesn't see or pay for
And you constantly say you have no family support
Why on earth would you actively try for another child in this situation? I'm sorry but it's just madness

@Jmaho I don't disagree with your post, but referring to OP's ex-husband as a man who doesn't pay for his kids is disingenuous seeing as he's deceased.

HowcanIhelp123 · 12/03/2023 21:56

@iwasaprincessonce he sounds horrific. The fact he sees childcare as on you alone is horrifying. You're equal parents so equally responsible. I have too much self respect to be with a man that treats me like that. What would you tell your daughter to do if she was with a man treating her this way? Run for the hills.

I would be telling him marriage is a deal breaker for you, and that you are horrified by his attitude towards you as the woman carrying his child. Break up with him. If you decide to continue with the pregnancy, persue him for child support. He can't just decide not to pay it unless he is self employed and can cook his books.

Donnashair · 12/03/2023 21:58

Zarqon · 12/03/2023 21:47

This is so sad. If the baby didn’t exist I would tell you to run a mile from this man, he is not treating you or the baby with respect or affection and the fact that he refuses to acknowledge any financial responsibility for this child or his last is appalling.

But you are pregnant and not working, so it is complicated. And you have gyno challenges so it probably doesn’t make sense to end the pregnancy.

What would I do. I could not love or respect someone like this. If he is helping financially at all, I would not end the relationship right now but I would make long term plans on the assumption that the relationship is not going to last long at all. I would never move in with him or make any joint purchases. As soon as I could afford to without compromising the baby’s care, I would end the relationship. I’d plan for a life as a single mum and once the child is old enough for school I’d try to get a live in job at a boarding school that provides free place for the children of staff (ie housemistress). That would give me and the child a place to live while getting her education sorted too.

Good luck OP. Really.

And what about her other children?

How easy is it just get a job with (by that time) 2 free places and room for (potentially) Op, a just adult child and 2 other children to live?

Are house mistress jobs really easy to come by? What if the other kids don’t want to just up and move? Or for the middle move schools?

StClare101 · 12/03/2023 22:12

ArcticSkewer · 12/03/2023 18:08

Decide if you want to stay pregnant and if you do, go back to work straight after.
He can pay 50% of all childcare costs and you get to build your own pension.

I wouldn't advise my boys to marry ... but I wouldn't advise my daughter to have children without being married.

You wouldn’t advise your boys to marry…. Because you don’t want them to - heaven forbid - share finances with the partner they supposedly love?

StClare101 · 12/03/2023 22:14

Oh and run a mile, OP. Do not get trapped with this man. If you decide to continue the pregnancy there is no reason to stay out of the workforce for 2-3 years.

ArcticSkewer · 12/03/2023 22:17

StClare101 · 12/03/2023 22:12

You wouldn’t advise your boys to marry…. Because you don’t want them to - heaven forbid - share finances with the partner they supposedly love?

Show quote history

Not exactly.
Because I don't want them to have to share finances after they split up, in particular assets they came into the relationship with such as house, pension, savings.
They can share away during the relationship...

It's hardly a novel concept. Tbh most young men come to the same conclusion without their mother's advice.

Scotland have better rules around assets from before a marriage, but we don't live there!

ArcticSkewer · 12/03/2023 22:23

I don't want to derail ops thread though. Perhaps start another general thread about the subject if it's that interesting?

Jmaho · 12/03/2023 22:23

@Chonk apologies I didn't see that part. Wasn't meaning to be insensitive

Ovidnaso · 12/03/2023 22:25

I know the OP is using her savings at the moment, but don't others posting here realise that usually if you have to give up work to look after someone close to you, you get carer's allowance and child tax credits?
And don't they realise that the OP didn't arrange to have to look after her dad? Some pp here are talking as if his dementia is some excuse, rather than, I imagine, quite distressing and difficult and a lot of hard work on top of being a single parent. We need more respect for carers in this country!

Keeween · 12/03/2023 22:28

Jmaho · 12/03/2023 20:58

I'm sorry to sound so harsh but the more I read your posts I despair!
You already have two children with a man who doesn't pay for them
You then got back on your feet and were working full time and then you stopped working and now you're having another child with a man who doesn't want to marry you or pay for the child and who already has a child that he doesn't see or pay for
And you constantly say you have no family support
Why on earth would you actively try for another child in this situation? I'm sorry but it's just madness

This sums it up for me, what the fucking hell were you thinking?! Screw your head on and make better choices from here on out, for you and for your other children who don’t deserve this sort of crap. Definitely leave this twat, definitely set your bar a fuck sight higher and possibly consider a termination.

Dollyparton3 · 12/03/2023 22:31

This dude wants it all doesn't he? Children that he doesn't financially support and a partner to bare him a child with no risk to the assets he's built up + no financial input into the child. It's win:win for him and lose:lose for you OP. I'm sorry but I'd cut my cloth now and make plans to go it alone if I were you, the risk is that in 10 years you'll be left with all the risk and no reward. At least start to plan your own pension and financial security