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Original poster

Not getting married to protect his pension

235 replies

iwasaprincessonce · 12/03/2023 17:57

Hey.. new to this!

Partner doesn't want to get married, for a few reasons. I have been married before - he seems to judge me for this. The main reason is he suggests what if I decide to not want to do it after 10 years...? He loses half his pension and investments he has. This chat has completely threw me because I did not anticipate finances to be at the back of reasons for not wanting to get married.

He is very money orientated, it drives him. Yet he will not apply himself or develop himself at work to earn a higher salary, for us as a family. I have since found out I am pregnant. We may struggle financially with a new child. I achieved my degree last year and intended to go back to work, I am now out for another 2-3 years. He doesnt seem to get that this is a thing for me. Getting married gives me some security, and protection I guess. He is dead against it.

He has built up a relationship with my other children, and its lovely. He suggests why throw this all away for a piece of paper, is he right? The children are doing good that he is present. Their own father is no longer with us, died some years ago.

I feel vulnerable. When explaining this to him he has hit out with the comment, 'why did you get pregnant then?'. I feel this is very harsh.

Struggling with my own needs and not wanting to let go of that but also wanting to keep the family we have built together.

WWYD?

OP posts:
Keeween · 12/03/2023 22:33

Oh I’m so annoyed on your behalf. What a sexist, selfish twat he is.

Sparklybutold · 12/03/2023 22:38

He does not sound kind or supportive. I know easier said than done, but time for a serious rethink of whether you actually want to be in a relationship with this type of man. If this was me I would also be considering that having a kid with this type of man is not a good idea.

Sparklybutold · 12/03/2023 22:40

iwasaprincessonce · 12/03/2023 20:54

I got myself into this mess and I intend to try carve a way out of it. Sadly people are invested, and I will forever carry the weight of this.

I have very little support from family and due to making said choices my friends I don't see much of. I've had my relationship for quite a while now. He is flighty, and yes I shouldve known. I didn't get pregnant on my own, he has always been straight that he wanted a child, as did I. My children are 14 and 10. We have never lived together but intended to when we generated a healthy deposit. I stay alone with children.

Is the mess referring to the pregnancy? If so - no, he is also responsible.

latenightprep · 12/03/2023 23:07

You know what you should do. Think about the kids you already have - put them first. Being with this man is not putting them first. He is never going to be there for you.

If you decide to have a termination btw, no one has to know if you feel unable to be truthful. You could always say it was a miscarriage.

Walkthewalktalkthetalk · 12/03/2023 23:39

Oh OP. Please think of your children and what this will do to them. It may be all peaches and roses without him, but most 10/14 year olds would struggle with a new baby, much less children who’ve already lost a parent. Logistically, managing schedules for a 14/15/16 year old with a 0/1/2 year old by yourself is really challenging, much less dealing with it all emotionally.

Please read the Lundy Bancroft book and think about what happening to you in this relationship.

You do not have to go through with a pregnancy in these circumstances, even if you thought you wanted to originally.

Do not passively assume this is just what’s meant to be - your children need you to fight for yourself and for their needs. They are already entering a challenging phase of life to deal with. Heaven forbid they have a lot of big feelings about what’s happening and start acting out…

This man is causing damage. Living with him is a bad idea but whatever happens do not put yourself in a position you can’t walk away from. One day you’re going to need to do it and it will be a million times harder if you don’t maintain your own home in your own name.

Think about the relationship you want to have with your children and the relationship you want them to have with each other and how having a new sibling could impact them. You’re about to detonate a bomb in their lives, as if this “new” relationship wasn’t enough already. Are they boys? Do you want your partner to teach them that this is how they should treat women? Are they girls? Do you want them to be treated like this by their future partners? Do you want them to feel secure and loved? Do you want them to respect you?

No-one here is blaming you, but there is a lot of valuable advice and insight being provided. It’s not being given by people who have no idea how hard this is - it’s often being given by people who know only too well, but who also know how much harder things can become…

Walkthewalktalkthetalk · 12/03/2023 23:42

You should consider whether this will be worth it to you if it turns out you traded your children’s well being and emotional health, for a baby you’ve not yet met and a man who won’t be there for any of you in any way.

Starseeking · 12/03/2023 23:56

He doesn't see himself being with you for the long-term, I wouldn't have a baby with him if I were you.

Leave him and build a wonderful life with your existing DC away from this selfish arse.

bellsbuss · 13/03/2023 00:01

If DH and I split there is no way on earth I would get married again and risk losing half of a sizeable pot.

gelatogina · 13/03/2023 00:04

Why on earth are you having a child with a man who won’t marry you and doesn’t support the child he has?

i feel bad for all the children involved in this mess.

Starseeking · 13/03/2023 00:11

He does not see the child, or pay for the child, never has done.

If you have this baby, your DC would be in exactly the same boat as his first child.

mathanxiety · 13/03/2023 01:46

iwasaprincessonce · 12/03/2023 20:54

I got myself into this mess and I intend to try carve a way out of it. Sadly people are invested, and I will forever carry the weight of this.

I have very little support from family and due to making said choices my friends I don't see much of. I've had my relationship for quite a while now. He is flighty, and yes I shouldve known. I didn't get pregnant on my own, he has always been straight that he wanted a child, as did I. My children are 14 and 10. We have never lived together but intended to when we generated a healthy deposit. I stay alone with children.

Swallow your pride.

Reach out to your friends and your family.

If I knew you in real life, I'd run, not walk, to your home to see what support you needed to get your life back.

BananaCocktails · 13/03/2023 02:16

I would avoid marriage in this day and age as well. There is so much shit that you have to go through if you ever divorce.

Mummyoflittledragon · 13/03/2023 03:04

FloydPepper · 12/03/2023 18:53

Sometimes
i had a year off work due to redundancy. Career was just about ok

provided childcare is joint, then no reason a mum should be impacted tbh

Show quote history

There is no comparison. Being redundant means working less for a year, resting and recharging batteries. Having a baby is diametrically opposite experience. A massive upheaval both during and after pregnancy, hard work physically and mentally, leaving a woman’s body permanently changed. Birth injuries, both physical and psychological are a thing. Being able to take a year off work following redundancy is a luxury and having a baby isn’t just an issue of childcare.

Mummyoflittledragon · 13/03/2023 03:16

There’s a common theme here op. Very capable woman allows herself to be stunted by adult males… to the detriment of her existing children and potential third child.

You are worth as much as a man. You are his equal. In your position, I would seriously consider abortion and definitely release yourself from your caring responsibilities. You have 2 dependent children to look after. Your father should have carers of his own and not depend on you.

As for the man, who is blaming you for getting you pregnant, you know very well this man will not provide for your children without a fight. He’s shown his cards way too early and it looks as though you’ve been hopelessly naive with him unfortunately. Not seeing or contributing to an existing child is a humongous red flag.

Perhaps you should read the book A Woman in your own right and maybe get some therapy to uncover why you are putting grown men before the needs of your children and yourself.

Ihadenough22 · 13/03/2023 03:17

I can't believe that you thought it was a good idea to plan for a baby with this man. He had a one night stand in the past and already has a child because of this. He pays no support for this child.
Your not living with him. He won't marry you. He won't pay child support if you have this baby.
Along with this you already have 2 children of your own who are 10 and 14.

At this stage your so called partner has shown his true colours. In your case I would have an abortion and end things with this man. You spent a few years in college in order to get a better job. You need to get back to work and work towards building up your own financial future. Your children are getting towards the expensive stage of been teens and your 14 year old could be going to university in 3/4 years time.

SeatonCarew · 13/03/2023 03:54

This should be a sobering moment for you OP. You need to face the fact that you are terrible at choosing a partner, and therefore terrible at choosing the fathers of your children. That is on your head, but it is grossly unfair to your kids.

Why was nothing left to your children when your ex DH died? And why did you not get anything from his pension when you divorced?

SeatonCarew · 13/03/2023 03:58

In this situation you need to focus on the needs and wellbeing of your existing children, not the baby you foolishly thought was going to cement this pie in the sky relationship with this man.

Because your existing children have done nothing wrong here, and they deserve for you to put them first until they reach adulthood.

Ponderingwindow · 13/03/2023 04:00

If you were well past the age of having children and this was a late life relationship, then he would have a valid argument. At that point the focus should be his own retirement and leaving an inheritance for his children.

if he is having children with you and wanting to build a life with you, then that means you have to be financially intertwined. Otherwise, you take all the risk and all the financial burden of having his children. I would not have had the first child without being married. I would strongly reconsider having a second. I definitely wouldn’t want to be romantically linked with someone who saw fit to leave me so vulnerable.

and yes, marriage is just a piece of paper. It is a financial contract where you promise to share the burden of raising a family together. It isn’t about romance. It is about respect and anting to form a joint partnership.

America12 · 13/03/2023 04:05

@iwasaprincessonce if you have the baby , he will have to pay maintenance.
I think it would be a mistake to have his child and another mistake to stay with him.

Ponderingwindow · 13/03/2023 04:57

Your 10 and 14 year olds deserve better than this situation. Because the father of the new child has no plans to pay his share of childcare, you are going to be basically subsidizing this sorry excuse for a father by taking money from your older children. That is what is happening here. Your budget is going to tighten and tighten because he isn’t paying for his child and it is your older children who are going to get the worst of it.

if you still have time to extricate yourself from this mess, you should strongly consider taking advantage of your legal rights.

if you don’t, then you need to be prepared to file a cms claim the first second possible.

Clymene · 13/03/2023 05:13

You haven't built a family together. You're a widow with a boyfriend who doesn't even live with you or contribute to your household financially in any way. And who has another child he doesn't see.

I don't know how far along in your pregnancy you are but I'd seriously consider if you want to be a single parent to 3 children.

discobrain · 13/03/2023 05:21

Get as far away from this selfish arsehole as you can.

TerfIngOnTheBeach · 13/03/2023 05:36

Seriously, who decides to have a baby when their current children are 14 & 10 and they’ve just finished a degree which could give them a stepping stone into a good career?

note even considering that the partner wasn’t going to have any part in anything.

madness.

mybunniesandme · 13/03/2023 05:56

It's not a relationship when you don't live together? It's just sex.

Charley50 · 13/03/2023 06:01

Is termination an option OP? That is what I would do in your situation.
Also how much savings do you have that you can afford not to work to look after you'd dad? Is he getting attendance allowance? Are you getting benefits, Carer's allowance? Do you have no rent or mortgage? You need to think about your older children here.

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