Does it matter if your partner doesn't fancy you?

[NotTodayMaybeNever]

I don't know.

I always thought it was important and the thing that separates partners from other friends. But maybe I'm wrong?

My boyfriend tells me he loves me and his words and actions back it up. He told me the other day that I'm his best friend and his words and actions back it up. But he doesn't really appear to fancy me and doesn't say anything that would suggest otherwise really. He doesn't flirt with me. We rarely have sex. He doesn't often get an erection if we lie in bed naked together.

We we first got together, he said he'd had a crush on me for a while and then fell in love with me. In a conversation we had early on, he said he hadn't thought of me sexually before we got together. He liked my attitude and approach to life, thought I had a good sense of humour and made him laugh, liked my resilience and my "ah fuck it" attitude. That sort of thing.

It's not that he has no interest in sex. He just isn't really interested in sex with me. He was for the first few months but that was just novelty I think. But now we can got for a week or more and he shows no interest. He just doesn't become sexually aroused around me.

I've heard all of this so many times before from everyone I've ever dated. That I'm lovely and all that. But I'm just not fanciable.

I'm just not happy to be in a relationship where sexual needs are being met elsewhere. Because it just makes me feel like shit. I'm confident he's not cheating but I can't imagine I'm at the forefront of his mind during 'alone time' if he's not interested when I'm actually with him.

I just can't believe that it's happened again tbh.

Yes, it would matter to me.

Have you told him how you feel? Do you feel sexy in yourself? Maybe it's a confidence thing...the more confident you are, the more attractive you are IMO.

To answer your initial question, it doesn't seem that you would be happy in a relationship where your partner doesn't fancy you, and I would feel the same.
Have you been able to talk to him about it?
It sounds difficult and sad, I hope you can get it resolved 😕

I started the post wondering if it was a compromise some people make. Whether, actually, there are a lot of people in relationships with people they're not especially attracted to physically or sexually but everything else is so good that doesn't really matter.

Have I got this wrong in thinking sexual attraction should he part of a relationship?

But by the end of it, I realised it does matter to me.

I'm distinctly average looking but then so are most people. But I think I scrub up OK.

I think my body is OK but I suppose it doesn't really matter what I think. That's whatever seem to be universally put off by.

I've read so many threads on here where women express concerns about their bodies and are told, "He'll be so grateful he's got a naked woman in front of him, he won't care about your saggy boobs/mum tum/cellulite/whatever imperfection they've expressed concern about." Effectively, "if he's turned on, he won't care where he's sticking it."

And it only works for so long anyway. Eventually, if they don't like what they see, the prospect of having sex isn't enough to turn them on.

I have told him how I feel. He admits himself that all he can offer me in response are platitudes.

May I ask how old he is.

He should no longer be your boyfriend because he does not meet your own valid needs; besides which you do not need platitudes.

Have you gone on to choose the same type of man each time you've been in a relationship?.

I've tried talking to him.

All he can say he that he loves me (and will happily list things he loves about me) and he says that he fancies me but all he can come up with is stuff like "your skin is really smooth"

It just reminds of the man who told me I was "warm and soft".

It's just damning with faint praise. I tried to make an effort and bought some ready nice matching silk and lace underwear. He said absolutely nothing. And on the third time.i wore them, he said, "That bra's a nice colour,"

He's quite emphatic about loving me. And I think he does. But being loved, liked and desired seems to be impossible.

I just feel like I've lost all my confidence. I hide myself away now. I don't want to ever put myself in this position again.

I'd say of course it matters. But are you sure this explains the lack of sex? Could he be stressed, depressed, have ED, low libido generally (sex is often more frequent initially), asexual? Not that you have to put up with any of that, but it's not great for you that you are framing this as you being someone who can't be fancied. Everyone is different and finds different aspects of others attractive. Part if it is about self confidence though - if you gave a downer on yourself it will give off a different vibe to someone who believes they are sexy.

I don’t think it’s as much “if he’s turned on he won’t care where he’s sticking it”! More that he should be turned on by your attitude, the emotional connection, your touch etc.

My body is an absolute car crash after 3 kids and a thyroid condition but I’ve had men find me absolutely irresistible because I give off an energy that makes them feel good. I’m shy with the lights on, but I have confidence, enthusiasm and ‘skills’ in bed. I’ve been told I’m unforgettable when I’ve moved on for whatever reason. It’s totally at odds with what I look like, but I get it.

I can fancy a skinny hairless bloke even though my “type” is chunky and hairy. My last BF was chunky & hairy but he didn’t make me feel good about myself - we had a chat one evening where he said a few thinks in a jokey way, and the sexual chemistry literally stopped overnight.

Sexual attraction can be a fickle thing, but without it I couldn’t be with someone in an intimate relationship. It’s the foundation for me. It’s what keeps you together through the hard times, when you look at them and can’t imagine wanting to be with anyone else.

If he was totally asexual I guess you could look at ways to make it work for you both. However, if he’s sexual but not with you, it’s over.

50s.

He acknowledged himself that what he was saying to me were only platitudes.

We do get on brilliantly. And we do love each other. But I think this is the missing piece. And then I think of the threads on here when women say they've met a really nice man etc but they just don't fancy him and should they stick it out becaise everything else about him is great...etc etc.

I think that is where he is at.

I think he probably wishes he were attracted to me in that way. But he isn't.

And, no, the men I've dated have all been very different.

Different in terms of personality, character, looks, background. But it's always been the same.

Channel a bit of Maya Angelou!

Phenomenal Woman
BY MAYA ANGELOU
Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.
I’m not cute or built to suit a fashion model’s size

But when I start to tell them,
They think I’m telling lies.
I say,
It’s in the reach of my arms,
The span of my hips,

The stride of my step,

The curl of my lips.

I’m a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,

That’s me.

I walk into a room
Just as cool as you please,

And to a man,
The fellows stand or
Fall down on their knees.

Then they swarm around me,
A hive of honey bees.

I say,
It’s the fire in my eyes,

And the flash of my teeth,

The swing in my waist,

And the joy in my feet.

I’m a woman
Phenomenally.

Phenomenal woman,
That’s me.

Men themselves have wondered

What they see in me.
They try so much
But they can’t touch
My inner mystery.
When I try to show them,

They say they still can’t see.

I say,
It’s in the arch of my back,

The sun of my smile,
The ride of my breasts,
The grace of my style.
I’m a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That’s me.

Now you understand
Just why my head’s not bowed.

I don’t shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud.

When you see me passing,
It ought to make you proud.
I say,
It’s in the click of my heels,

The bend of my hair,

the palm of my hand,

The need for my care.

’Cause I’m a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That’s me.

I wonder if there's something you can do to improve your attractiveness? Lose a few pounds, go to the gym, salsa classes, yoga classes, new haircut, make up? Not to make yourself attractive for a man but to improve how you feel about yourself. Do whatever makes you feel good.

People transform themselves all the time so why shouldn't you? This seems to really be affecting you so do something about it.

Of course, this comes with the disclaimer that it's important to be aware that once you improve your looks, you may find that other more attractive men fancy you and then your man doesn't seem as hot as he once did!

When I think back to where we were this time last year, I felt a lot more confident and we did have more sex. But he did say things then and he did flirt and he did respond etc but that's what I mean about the novelty of the early days.

My drop in sexual confidence around him is directly linked to his dwindling interest in me and that's what came first. It didn't even affect confidence for a good couple of months or so because I hadn't really noticed the change until I did and it didn't really matter until it did..

I do watch what what I eat and exercise. I'm about a size 12. I do get my hair done.

I do feel confident about myself when I'm single. I feel confident and i realised a few years ago that that Maya Angelou poem was exactly how I felt.

But it's hard to feel that way about yourself when you're with someone who doesn't feel that way about you and feels like a hige reality mirror being hed up in front of you..

Over the years, I've tried all sorts - therapy, coming to terms with it, trying to find peace with it, pretending I didn't give a shit.

Hi O
At the end it's what feels right for you,

If it doesn't feel right for you this type of relationship dynamic then it's time to reflect and to think are you just settling for anything that looks outsiders to be relationship, but isn't to yourself,

Why are you settling for this relationship that's is unsatisfactory for yourself Op?

Is it cause of the way you brought up in some way?
or
Something else?
Why are you being passive about your life in this aspect of your life then?

Is he bit low ,depressed or just got a naturally low libido?
If it seem latter,it could be a dietary thing issue?

He might just not be "into you " excuse the pun,
why bother setting for something like this,

Life is really far too short Op, !

I am not into this hyper sexualised western society of ours,

I don't think you should have to Compromise so much on this aspect of your dynamic ?

You either need to reflect consirder are you better just being like platonic friends /
just flat mates with him, if this is something you be OK with,?

If not move on, without him,

Yes, it does matter.

Oops typo mistake I ment to say Op,
At the end of day etc

It's important to remember that your worth and value as a person is not determined by your partner's desire for you

No, i know. And thats not how i feel. But i dont see the point in being in a relationship with someone who doesnt fancy me.

Goodread1

I think he just isn't that into me.

Know he likes me, cares about me, would do anything for me, thinks I'm funny, is proud of me, enjoys my company. All of those things. Because I can see it. I feel it.

Which is also how I know he doesn't find me attractive in that way.

There's only so many times you get get knocked down and get back up before you just think, you know what, I'll stay down here and save myself the bother.

I think that's where I am now.

I started the post wondering if it was a compromise some people make.

I'm sure it is - but it doesn't sound like a compromise you're happy to make. Which is totally fine, I wouldn't either. And it shouldn't really be relevant that some people do make that compromise. If it works for them, great. It doesn't sound like it works for you.

I can guarantee there is nothing wrong with how you look or your level of attentiveness

around mid 40s and 50s lots of men’s sex drive plummets. You’d almost think there was a conspiracy to keep this a secret (but then… why is Viagra so big)

most men would rather blame their partner than accept their own dwindling testosterone levels and “masculinity”

there is lots of talk about menopause, but hardly any about male middle age chsmges

it’s not you.

love the poem by the way, posted above

So he values you for something other than your looks? Isn't that a good thing? I think often sex drops off after the novelty wears off, especially at 50 and gone when his sex drive might be waning anyway. How important are his looks to you?

He loves you for you, not because you've got a model face or could make it as a porn star. If it's not what you want though, if you want someone who is into your looks then you have to consider this - men tend to aim high, if you want a man who is impressed by average looks then you might have to settle for someone with below average looks themselves. Are you going to be happy with that? I think there is probably always going to be some compromise somewhere.

At the end of the day though if this relationship for whatever reason isn't making you happy then you're under no obligation to stay. What's the point? If it's just no working then it's not working.

No, no, no, no!

The whole point is, you find someone that isn't necessarily conventionally attractive, but that you fancy the pants off. I'm sure your partner is no oil painting but that you find him super sexy. What's the point otherwise?

I had an ex who I stayed with despite knowing he didn't really fancy me. It not only totally destroyed my confidence, but later I discovered he had an addiction to cam girls. Could there be any porn addiction behind your fella's attitude OP? Because these men tend to know that their fantasy standards (i.e. perfect looking 20 year olds) are unrealistic, but they still want a partner, so they "settle" for us mere mortals. Honestly, never again. Looking back, I wish I had left much earlier.
You deserve someone who appreciates you, OP!

I've never been particularly attracted to men everyone thinks are 'good looking'. I'm very rarely attracted to looks. Maybe 2 or 3 times in my whole life.

But he does see attractive people.

I just want to be with someone who finds me desirable. Who fancies me. Who wants to have sex with me because of me.

It's not working no because I don't want to be out with someone who is thinking other women are attractive or siting next to.someone who is thinking other women are attractive whilst knowing they're not attracted to me at all.