Does it matter if your partner doesn't fancy you?

[NotTodayMaybeNever]

I don't know.

I always thought it was important and the thing that separates partners from other friends. But maybe I'm wrong?

My boyfriend tells me he loves me and his words and actions back it up. He told me the other day that I'm his best friend and his words and actions back it up. But he doesn't really appear to fancy me and doesn't say anything that would suggest otherwise really. He doesn't flirt with me. We rarely have sex. He doesn't often get an erection if we lie in bed naked together.

We we first got together, he said he'd had a crush on me for a while and then fell in love with me. In a conversation we had early on, he said he hadn't thought of me sexually before we got together. He liked my attitude and approach to life, thought I had a good sense of humour and made him laugh, liked my resilience and my "ah fuck it" attitude. That sort of thing.

It's not that he has no interest in sex. He just isn't really interested in sex with me. He was for the first few months but that was just novelty I think. But now we can got for a week or more and he shows no interest. He just doesn't become sexually aroused around me.

I've heard all of this so many times before from everyone I've ever dated. That I'm lovely and all that. But I'm just not fanciable.

I'm just not happy to be in a relationship where sexual needs are being met elsewhere. Because it just makes me feel like shit. I'm confident he's not cheating but I can't imagine I'm at the forefront of his mind during 'alone time' if he's not interested when I'm actually with him.

I just can't believe that it's happened again tbh.

That’s great, but certainly not true for Every 50 something re erections

There are men in their 60s who are still as rampant as ever.

Yes, and men who aren’t.

Not sure what your point is, TBH.

It sounds like he does fancy you.

And you don't believe or accept it and therefore want more proof.

Tell yourself enough times that he doesn't fancy you & it will become true.
Tell yourself enough times that he does fancy you & it will become true.

You say in your OP you have sex weekly or so?

That seems like within the normal range.

This feels to me more like an issue in your head than in reality. All the beliefs he's not looking at you, cringing and avoiding him so he doesn't have to say anything... that's your thoughts not a reality.

The facts are he loves you, reassures you and has sex weekly.
Sounds like a really good relationship you could be in the process of messing up with your insecurity and the narrative you've developed and are now collecting proof for.

All the awkwardness may be instigated by you. He does find you attractive but knows he's failing to communicate this in the way you want, & so you both know it's become an issue and awkward.

If you want a good relationship you need to find a way to communicate, accept the other may communicate differently and accept some difference is fine.

You seem stuck in ruminating on your own thoughts and reenacting past relationships.

I don't know if it's just me.

But I can't carry on feeling like this.

We're going out this evening with one of my friends and my son. We're meeting some of his friends there. I don't want to go but I can't not go. Ordinarily, I just wouldn't but tonight, because of what we're doing, me not going would be a problem ajd draw atrenrion to le in a way I don't want so I'm going.

But I'm dreading it. I feel so heavy and unhappy about everything.

He hasn't changed otherwise but he feels like a stranger to me at the same time.

But Viagra doesn't make you want sex does it? Doesn't it just give men an erection?

Talk to him. What you've said to us. Say it to him. He clearly loves you, there's nothing to be afraid of. The very worst thing you can do is to cave in to the voice in your own head telling you that you aren't attractive enough or worthy enough for a full relationship. It's there to protect you but times change, the people we're with change. The voice serves its purpose and then it doesn't. Be brave and be open. What's the worst that could happen?

Um, well, men take it ahead of sexy times and can then relax into it more knowing the plumbing is ok.

Hello OP, I am very sorry that you found yourself in this position and I wanted to tell you that I know exactly what you mean. My ex actually wanted to have sex and was complaining that we did not have enough of it, but I did not feel the same. After very long time I finally realized that the problem was I did not feel wanted, fancied, as you say. He would say he wanted sex but I did not feel like he desired me; he just wanted the release. Outside our bedroom in our everyday life I did not feel it. He would sometimes make some comments but those made me feel dirty not loved and desired. He would rarely cuddle with me, be gentle and loving to me unless he "wanted" us to be intimate and even then it would be very short and I would feel it being "fake". We were together over 25 years, but I think he never really loved or desired me, not properly, this eroded my confidence and the feeling of self worth. In the end I left him but this was only one of the reasons.

I think that people do not understand it is not about having or not having sex, it is about feeling wanted and desired that you need and miss. If you are sure he loves you, respects you, then you have to decide if that is enough for you. Good luck op and take care.

your ex sounds similar to mine. I think I was just a vessel for him to have sex with. I never felt like he was physically attracted to me or wanted to be close to me in a non- sexual way. He never cuddled me or was affectionate or loving. If he ever did touch me I knew it was him just wanting sex. I could’ve been anyone as long as he could relieve himself.

@Johnisafckface Same

@iamenough2023 🙁

I agree.

My friend is 43, her DH is 56. They've been married for 18 years.

She told me his sex drive is much lower now comparing how it used to be. He is in denial and does nothing about it. She gave him 3-6 months to sort himself out,

If nothing improves, she is getting a lover and he is informed about it.

Op I have found this thread really sad. Much of it resonates with me, particularly what you said about showing desire and showing your partner that you fancy them.
it’s the cuddles and non sexual intimacy that are so important. My partner is 61. I have been with home for over 4 years now. Our sex life has dwindled and he rarely touches me unless he wants sex and hardly ever seems to express desire or show me that he fancies me.
sometimes I feel as if he could be having sex with anyone and that it doesn’t really matter that it is me.
we do talk about it a lot. I read this thread to him last night in the Hope that it might resonate with him but I don’t think it did.
you deserve better. I honestly think alot of men are bad at showing women what they want.
I think you need to sit down and have a very very honest conversation with him about what you want and need and how you are feeling.

He's very physically affectionate. He strokes my back in bed, holds my hand in public and we cuddle a lot.

I don't recognise him at all in the descriptions of men who aren't physically affectionate or just want sex for the release and their partners feel like they could be anyone.

I don't know.

We had sex last night but he started to lose his erection a little. Maybe it is just the age thing. I was going to speak to him about it afterwards but I became ill out of nowhere and spent most of the might throwing up 🙄

I'll have to speak to him this week. I suppose I'm also a bit worried that, if he doesn't find me sexually attractive enough, then he's going to only be able to do it if he's thinking about other women. I'd rather not have sex at all than only be able to because he's thinking about other women.

Loads of women lose their libido during the menopause for example or after children and here wouldn't be a lot of support on here for men who gave a "you've got 3-6 months to sort it out or I'm finding a lover" response. So I suppose the bottom line for me is that if it's just an age thing and nothing to do with how attractive he finds me, then we can deal with that. If he needs something that he's currently not getting from me, we can possibly deal with that (depending on what it is). If it's that he doesnt find me sexually attractive enough, that would be it for me. It's definitely got worse seemingly out of nowhere over the last couple of weeks though.

So yes- talk to him. Tell him everything you have told us. See what he does with that information.

For your own sanity you need to end this. It sounds like he wants a platonic relationship but has you hooked in a pseudo sexual one. You’ve had very bad luck and there’s nothing wrong with wanting what you want but you can’t have what you want with this man because he doesn’t want the same thing.

We get into this cycle of overthinking and chasing our own narrative- I k ow I do. Without firm facts we just fill in the gaps, which is what you are currently doing. That is why you need to have an in depth conversation with him and find out the facts.
there could be lots of reasons why he isn’t feeling sexual that have nothing to do with you. If he’s not feeling desire then he wouldn’t express that verbally or with his actions. Maybe he is worried about ED and that is holding him back.
good luck with the talk.

my friend is married to her best friend who would do anything for her and on the outside they have the best life

zero sex

she has put on so much weight, has zero confidence, gave up her professional life - she has a masters degree and had good jobs in the past (I don’t know if it is related but worth mentioning)

they have spent a lot of money trying to have children the artificial way but she is getting too old now

I wouldn't read too much into losing an erection, honestly it can be a myriad of things on his mind, some or none of which are related to you at all. I think it's a really tricky talk to have and I would tread carefully.

What makes people think talking to him will result in the truth.
He might
A. Lie, if he doesn't find her attractive (or as attractive as initially) because he wants to preserve the relationship.
B. Not know the real reason. Attraction, desire, sexuality are complex and rooted in our childhood experiences, many of which are stored away in the subconscious mind.

When it first happened, I just put it down to one of those things. No big deal.

That was several months ago. At that point it happened occasionally - eg if we'd been out for a drink. We laughed it off and it wasnt a big deal. Over the last couple of months it's been happening increasingly and now it's more often than not and the last few weeks it's happened (nearly) every time. Its no longer something we laugh off. It's become the elephant in the room.

Nothing has changed in his life. He says he's happy.

I haven't changed physically. I don’t think its that there's anything 'wrong' with me but that doesn't mean he's still sexually attracted to me. He's very loving, caring and attentive. But that doesn't mean he's sexually attracted to me.

You're all correct, I do need to speak to him but I don't even know how to start the conversation. I've been mulling it over and I just can't find the words.

OP, you sound absolutely determined to fit the facts into your own internal narrative. You have no proof whatsoever that he is thinking of other women, but you’ve decided he is and now you’re eating your heart out over it.

TBH I’m not sure how much point there is in talking to him right now because I don’t think you’d really listen to anything he says; I think you’ll be looking out for anything that confirms the story you’ve constructed in your head and discard anything that doesn’t fit.

Do you struggle with low self-esteem? I ask that with sympathy, I used to be terrible when I was younger and found myself heavily reliant on feeling like the only woman my OH could ever find attractive (which is unrealistic, of course). It manifested itself in jealousy too and I noted with interest your comment about him not having an issue with you having male friends. Was there a hint of wistfulness there? A wish that he’d show just a little bit of jealousy, nothing controlling but enough to ‘prove’ he saw you as someone desirable enough that it’s natural other men might covet you?

I think in the absence of any evidence that he’s using other women to get his jollies, there’s a lot to say it could be natural age-related decline of libido, and perhaps he’s also now feeling under more pressure to perform because he knows how important it is to you to feel desired (which is not blaming you or saying you were wrong to raise it! But unfortunately these issues can be so sensitive on both sides that it wouldn’t be a surprise if it were an unintended consequence.)

Some of this next part is going to sound harsher than it’s meant to be, but that will be my clumsiness in expressing it because I am intending to be supportive. It does sound a little like you assume his every response, all the thoughts in his head when you’re together (out of bed not just in), have to relate to you/women/sex in some way and if he’s not panting for you then he’s automatically imagining other women. That really is unlikely to be the case…he is allowed to have his own thoughts / worries / dreams about all kinds of things separate to you, and some of those things - especially if they’re worries - may have an effect on his libido. That’s not a free pass for him to ignore you completely or be thoughtless towards you, but that’s not the impression you give of him; you say he’s loving and affectionate.

I think if you’re at the point where you’re self-sabotaging your everyday social life because you’re worrying if he’s going to compliment your appearance and if so, is it meaningful, then perhaps it’s time to think about counselling before you throw the towel in here. I’d suggest some individual counselling first, to explore your own thoughts and emotions around this, but it may be couples counselling might also be appropriate a little further down the line. Of course it’s a valid choice for you to end the relationship if it isn’t fulfilling you, but it sounds like there’s enough good stuff here to at least try to work through it with some support.

He might
A. Lie, if he doesn't find her attractive (or as attractive as initially) because he wants to preserve the relationship.

That's what I'm worried about more than anything.

If he said he just didn't fancy me anymore then that's fair enough. It happens and we'd break up.

If he'd just stopped feeling sexual desire altogether that's one of those things and I suppose we'd have to talk about it.

If he still fancies me but it's age related then there are solutions to that.

If he doesn't fancy me anymore but still has sexual feelings towards other people and meets his own needs by thinking of others that would be a dealbreaker.