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Original poster

Does it matter if your partner doesn't fancy you?

153 replies

NotTodayMaybeNever · 10/03/2023 09:27

I don't know.

I always thought it was important and the thing that separates partners from other friends. But maybe I'm wrong?

My boyfriend tells me he loves me and his words and actions back it up. He told me the other day that I'm his best friend and his words and actions back it up. But he doesn't really appear to fancy me and doesn't say anything that would suggest otherwise really. He doesn't flirt with me. We rarely have sex. He doesn't often get an erection if we lie in bed naked together.

We we first got together, he said he'd had a crush on me for a while and then fell in love with me. In a conversation we had early on, he said he hadn't thought of me sexually before we got together. He liked my attitude and approach to life, thought I had a good sense of humour and made him laugh, liked my resilience and my "ah fuck it" attitude. That sort of thing.

It's not that he has no interest in sex. He just isn't really interested in sex with me. He was for the first few months but that was just novelty I think. But now we can got for a week or more and he shows no interest. He just doesn't become sexually aroused around me.

I've heard all of this so many times before from everyone I've ever dated. That I'm lovely and all that. But I'm just not fanciable.

I'm just not happy to be in a relationship where sexual needs are being met elsewhere. Because it just makes me feel like shit. I'm confident he's not cheating but I can't imagine I'm at the forefront of his mind during 'alone time' if he's not interested when I'm actually with him.

I just can't believe that it's happened again tbh.

OP posts:
purpledalmation · 15/03/2023 13:20

Because it just makes me feel like shit

this is all you need to know to end it.

Thisistyresome · 15/03/2023 14:24

NotTodayMaybeNever · 14/03/2023 13:09

When I was in my very early 20s, my relationships were more like fwbs. Men I really fancied but who I never really developed an emotional connection with. I wasn't interested in falling in love or any of that and so it was just about going out, having fun and sometimes sex. But I never dated anyone for more than 3 months or so before Ioved onto the next. Many of them were shorter flings than that.

In my mid 20s Iet the man I had a 10 year relationship with but that was almost entirely secless after the first 3 months and I'm talking frequency of sex could be measure in years rather than weeks or months. We probably had sex about 3 times after the first 3 months. We were intimate - lay in bed talking for hours, laughed a lot, hugged, foot rubs, cooked together etc just no sex. We didn't really love each other romantically, we were just very, very close friends.

Since that broke up, I've had a few short term things and they were either like my marriage but not long enough for love to develop or (mostly) little more than fwb.

I've never had a relationship (before) where love and sex were combined.

I think theres a degree to which I don't have a blueprint for it. I know he loves me so I can't imagine how he would fancy me too. I've never had a long term (or even this long) sexual relationship before so I can't see how he would still find me sexually attractive after 18 months.

Show quote history

It must be really hard having no models of things working for you. Perhaps speak to someone to see if you can piece together what is going on? Do you get in to a dynamic between you which is really un-sexy?

As for not seeing how someone can find a partner sexually attractive after 18 months sounds like you have some deep stuff to deal with. Of course people do and could, but it is also possible to cause people to loose attraction too. If you are creating environments that are causing your relationships the struggle you may be able to change that and recover this one (which sounds like it is only one thing you are worried about).

I really hope you find some help for this, it must take quite a toll on you.

BigButtons · 15/03/2023 15:37

TwoHedgehogs · 14/03/2023 19:00

I think reading your thread explains why you've never had a long term relationship. You self sabotage.

I think using how often you have sex as a measure of how much someone fancies you (over the age of 20) is pretty flawed. Sex 2-3 times a week is quite a lot in my book when you lead a busy life (and aren't in your teens/early 20s), sex every 10 days isn't awful either. I don't think any relationship keeps up the initial flurry of sex, this doesn't mean the other person doesn't fancy anymore. Given you are also older there's the physiological aspect at play, not just the initial rip one another's clothes off enthusiasm wavering. You sound so insecure, everything you write points to a man who loves you and is affectionate, but because you aren't having sex everyday you've concluded he doesn't fancy you anymore? I really fancy and love my husband and vice versa but we don't measure this in the number of sex sessions we have. I don't want sex everyday anymore, I can't be arsed, as amazing as our sex is, it's got nothing to do with how much I fancy him though. We are 18 years in, sex isn't the main focus, it's great when it happens, but our relationship hasn't revolved around it for about 16 years!

I don't think there's anything wrong with your relationship, you are trying to find a problem where there doesn't appear to be one. If you said you never had sex and he never touched you, then ok, this isn't the case here.

Completely agree with this.
@NotTodayMaybeNever you are self sabotaging because you are telling yourself a story that is based on nothing at all.

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