Does it matter if your partner doesn't fancy you?

[NotTodayMaybeNever]

I don't know.

I always thought it was important and the thing that separates partners from other friends. But maybe I'm wrong?

My boyfriend tells me he loves me and his words and actions back it up. He told me the other day that I'm his best friend and his words and actions back it up. But he doesn't really appear to fancy me and doesn't say anything that would suggest otherwise really. He doesn't flirt with me. We rarely have sex. He doesn't often get an erection if we lie in bed naked together.

We we first got together, he said he'd had a crush on me for a while and then fell in love with me. In a conversation we had early on, he said he hadn't thought of me sexually before we got together. He liked my attitude and approach to life, thought I had a good sense of humour and made him laugh, liked my resilience and my "ah fuck it" attitude. That sort of thing.

It's not that he has no interest in sex. He just isn't really interested in sex with me. He was for the first few months but that was just novelty I think. But now we can got for a week or more and he shows no interest. He just doesn't become sexually aroused around me.

I've heard all of this so many times before from everyone I've ever dated. That I'm lovely and all that. But I'm just not fanciable.

I'm just not happy to be in a relationship where sexual needs are being met elsewhere. Because it just makes me feel like shit. I'm confident he's not cheating but I can't imagine I'm at the forefront of his mind during 'alone time' if he's not interested when I'm actually with him.

I just can't believe that it's happened again tbh.

I dated someone like that so I know what you mean.

I have no idea or any way of knowing tbh. But even just normal life/TV etc is enough for him to know what he missing out on and would rather have 🤷🏻‍♀️

But no, there is no evidence he 'fancies the pants off' me.

It would matter hugely to me for sure. Without that attraction you are just friends - which is fine for some, but not what I want from my relationship with my significant other. It must eat away at your self esteem too - slowly and insidiously. Fuck that, life’s too short. Dump and move on (that’s what I would do anyway)

Is this just a “he’s in his 50s” thing? I’m confident my husband fancies me but yeah, his libido is less than it was.

How do you know he fancies you?

If you don't mind me asking.

Because he's only one year older than he was this time last year.

He tells me 😊

and I know that’s different to your situation and I do feel for you. I think age is quite a big factor, though, and I have a couple of 40-something male friends who are giving viagra a whirl, and it’s nothing to do with whether they fancy their wives, just the plumbing. But it can be difficult for men to say “look, sex is harder for me these days”

Yes… but it’s the time of life where things do change. I would say DH and I have changed a fair bit in a short time. Partly age, partly life (poorly relatives and whatnot)

I’m finding this really sad OP.

I’m not wanting to dismiss how how you’re feeling or make you question your reality - but it’s just making me wonder what’s going on as you keep referencing the fact it’s happened in most, if not all, your relationships. In the nicest possible way - do you think it’s a sort of headspace you get in? Not that I think you’re making it up at all but sort of a self fulfilling prophecy?

You’ve mentioned having therapy about it before, what did the therapist say?

Because it just makes me feel like shit.

What matters is you are in a relationship where this is how you feel. That is a major sign for you to get out of that relationship.

Why would you stay ?

If you are going to be in a relationship, find one that brings you joy. Work on building your good life meanwhile.

Don't settle for anything less.

P.s. I found the book "come as you are" brilliant to help me understand my own sexual and emotional responses.

www.feministbookclub.com/book-review-come-as-you-are-by-dr-emily-nagoski/

p.s. It really doesn't matter what anyone feels about anything. Trust how you feel about things.

He tells me. But, "of course I fancy you" is one of the things he said that he said just sounded like a platitude. Because it is.

He told me I was sexy last week. I'm not. It felt awkward for both of us I think. He sounded awkward when he said it. I think he was just trying to make feel better. It didn't work.

It reminds me of telling boyfriends I loved them when I was younger because I assumed I must do because I was going out with them. But I couldn't think of s single thing I loved about them and dreaded them asking me why i loved them. I was asked once and had nothing so I said, "Oh, you know everything" but I didn't love them at all. You know?

I know he loves me. Well, I believe he does. And I love him. But I think that's just clouding the issue

I think he wants to fancy me. But he doesn't.

If his not doing anything elsewhere with anyone else or looking at porn then I think you are enough for him and you should stop worrying. There's no such thing as a perfect relationship and you seem hellbent on finding problems. Can't you just be happy with what you have. ? I'm getting the impression you have no children ?

Aaaww, he sounds great🥰!

To answer your question, I really don’t think this ’fancy’ stuff is important.
That’s just about shallow looks / fucking.
I mean, you can’t build a meaningfull relationship on that.

Sounds like he trulu loves you, that is amazing!
And a very rare find.
Only few are as lucky as you.

I think you need to end this relationship, it’s doing your self worth no good. Although he sounds like a “good” partner, it’s not enough is it. And it doesn’t have to be.

It doesn’t matter if other people settle / compromise, you don’t want to and don’t have to.

In regards to this having happened before, I think it’s common and not specifically YOU. For example I’ve lost interest in a few past boyfriends sexually when we’ve become too complacent in the relationship. It wasn’t their fault, they were still attractive but I was no longer seeing them in that light.

it happens to a lot of long term relationships OP, most people will have experienced it. In fact I’ve only had two relationships where I’ve still fancied the person like mad years later (one of them is my current partner).

Are you by chance picking men who aren’t that arsed about sex to start with? Perhaps you need to seek men who are comfortable and confident and sexual from the outset?

it might be that you are seeking certain qualities in a man which might lead to complacency and nonchalance down the line? For instance I had an ex who was so laid back and chill, I loved it at first but after a few years it became laziness and complacency and we became more like flat mates.

But be assured, it’s very normal, it’s NOT a measure of your attractiveness at all

In the nicest possible way - do you think it’s a sort of headspace you get in?

Possibly. Nowadays anyway.

I've only ever one long relationship that was based on friendship, fondness and affection but there was no sex for nearly 12 years. We tried in the early days but there was no interest on either side but we were very close and it just carried on without sex. My teenage relationships were based on fondness and affection but no sex.

My other relationships were shortlived (4 or 5 months) and based on sex but without any fondness or affection. I've never managed a relationship that encompassed it all. It really seemed like this one might to begin with but sadly not. I have no idea what sex is like in a longer term relationship. And very limited experience because of it. Which doesn't help.

If I thought he fancied me but it was an age thing, I could work around that. But I just don't think he fancies me. I feel awkward around him now. I'm wary of doing, wearing or saying things that might be construed as signalling interest because its just embarrassing and I feel foolish. I avoid eye contact with him if we're out or we're watching films amd stuff with attractive women because I don't want him to think. Well, I don't know what I don't want him to think. That I'm oblivious maybe. Or I haven't realised. Or I think everything's OK.

It's just crap and a mess and I need to break up with him.

He was confident about sex to begin with. And I get the impression it was important to him. I think he's just considered that not fancying me is just something he's willing to accept given he's older and everything that goes with that. If imagine it's be very frustrating to be with someone you really fancy but not able to perform. It's probably easier with someone you like/love but don't really see like that.

I've dated other men who were confident sexually but those are the times it was only about sex. They were very skilled and the sex was great but there was nothing else.

We've only been together since November 2021.

He is.

But I want to be with someone who loves me and fancies me.

If he doesn't fancy me, he must fancy someone. Or multiple women.

Women he knows he doesn't stand a chance with for various reasons and I'll just do. I don't want to be settled for.

A few months ago, we went out and had a bit of a drunken night at a gig. He told me that, when we hadnt seen each other for a few days he sometimes sorted himself out and always thought of me. I've no idea if it was true and it doesnt really matter but he has been at my house every night bar one since last Friday and nothing.

It's not a physical issue because he gets erections throughout the night/early morning when he's asleep. So it can only be that he just isn't interested in me in that way anymore.

I feel like I've seen a variation on this post a few times now. Facts vs feelings. He said he thought you were sexy last week. This is an actual thing that happened. And then you say...you aren't.

'Looking awkward' is not an objective fact. What did he actually do to look awkward.

Kindly. Who is actually finding you undesirable here?

But what is it that makes YOU think ge doesn't fancy you and if the answer is about the sex then any genuine person you gave a relationship with will end the same, Age is also a huge factor in this and can certainly change rapidly. All relationships have lulls. Why not discuss with him how he feels,it probably ricks his confidence and kills the mood that ge can't become erect, it certainly dud with my husband when he went on antidepressants, Hows he feeling about it all? because it doesn't sound like you have?

When my husband and I met we were like rabbits now 10 years later at 34 (both of us) where lucky if it's every 6 months, I never get any urge at all due to a hysterectomy 3 years ago and after 3 kids, everything about my body is completely ruined.
Sex is always exciting and frequent in the first few months then you get comfortable and start building foundations and other things become important, sex goes on the back burner.
I can guarantee you, any woman on this thread whose been in a long term relationship was/is not having the same amount of sex they were when they were early on on the relationship.

“I can guarantee you, any woman on this thread whose been in a long term relationship was/is not having the same amount of sex they were when they were early on on the relationship.”

For us, it ebbs and flows. A lot at the start, less after the kids, built it back, was better than ever for a long time, various life/age stuff makes it harder of late. Hopefully it will come around again.

And an erection in the night is very different, as is masturbating. There’s no “performance pressure” - which is inherent with a partner there. Night ones can be quite fleeting.

I do think you may be doing his thinking for him. He says he fancies you and finds you sexy. But you don’t believe him…?

Yes, nocturnal.erections are different. All the stuff I've read on ED says that if a man still has nocturnal erections, however short lived, it's a psychological issue and not a physical one. So down to performance anxiety or just not fancying their partner etc. It's only when they stop altogether.

I have no idea whether he watches porn or not. I haven't asked him. But I've no doubt he gets elections and finds other women attractive.

I can live without sex. But I can't be in a relationship where there is little/no sex but he masturbates to the thought/sight of other women. That would be a dealbreaker. But how would I ever know? All I know is that this time last year we had sex 2 or 3 times a week and managed it a couple of times in one day a few times and now it can be 10 days or more and not even a flicker of interest.

He says he fancies you and finds you sexy. But you don’t believe him…?

No. I don't.

Hows he feeling about it all?

He's said once or twice that he can't because of his age.

He often reminds me of the advice for older men - never waste and erection, never trust a fart and I can't remember the third! But he's not getting erections at all with me now. I don't feel it's my place to bring it up.

You're in a sexual relationship with him so it's completely your place to bring it up. If he doesn't know it's bothering you, how can he redress it?

Also If he says he finds you sexy...why disbelieve him? What motive does he have to lie to you?

“All the stuff I've read on ED says that if a man still has nocturnal erections, however short lived, it's a psychological issue and not a physical one.”

Hmmm. I don’t think it’s that clear cut. To be graphic, it’s possible to masturbate at more of a half mast than is needed for penetration.

Why do you think he’s masturbating over other women?

Why do you think he’s masturbating over other women?

Because he's not having sex with me.

OP, there is a possibility that you are right.

But it very much seems to me that his libido/erection sustaining ability has dropped over the last year. You seem so determined that this must be to do with your attractiveness to him, and to give no quarter to any argument that it might be age/health/stress.

And I think that is coming from your past experiences where you have either had a good “friendly” relationship or a sexual one, and you have convinced yourself that you aren’t attractive and no man wants to give you both, and you are projecting this on him.

Can you sit for a minute with the idea that it might be him, not you? That he does fancy you but his body is letting him down?