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Original poster

Does it matter if your partner doesn't fancy you?

153 replies

NotTodayMaybeNever · 10/03/2023 09:27

I don't know.

I always thought it was important and the thing that separates partners from other friends. But maybe I'm wrong?

My boyfriend tells me he loves me and his words and actions back it up. He told me the other day that I'm his best friend and his words and actions back it up. But he doesn't really appear to fancy me and doesn't say anything that would suggest otherwise really. He doesn't flirt with me. We rarely have sex. He doesn't often get an erection if we lie in bed naked together.

We we first got together, he said he'd had a crush on me for a while and then fell in love with me. In a conversation we had early on, he said he hadn't thought of me sexually before we got together. He liked my attitude and approach to life, thought I had a good sense of humour and made him laugh, liked my resilience and my "ah fuck it" attitude. That sort of thing.

It's not that he has no interest in sex. He just isn't really interested in sex with me. He was for the first few months but that was just novelty I think. But now we can got for a week or more and he shows no interest. He just doesn't become sexually aroused around me.

I've heard all of this so many times before from everyone I've ever dated. That I'm lovely and all that. But I'm just not fanciable.

I'm just not happy to be in a relationship where sexual needs are being met elsewhere. Because it just makes me feel like shit. I'm confident he's not cheating but I can't imagine I'm at the forefront of his mind during 'alone time' if he's not interested when I'm actually with him.

I just can't believe that it's happened again tbh.

OP posts:
HelenDenver · 10/03/2023 18:44

And if he hasn’t had a prostate check, he should.

Original poster
NotTodayMaybeNever · 10/03/2023 19:51

I'm not projecting. It's based on experience. I'd be a fool to just assume it was different this time.

OP posts:
HelenDenver · 10/03/2023 20:32

NotTodayMaybeNever · 10/03/2023 19:51

I'm not projecting. It's based on experience. I'd be a fool to just assume it was different this time.

But it’s based on your experience with different men, not this man.

Let’s say none of his previous girlfriends liked, I dunno, salmon. It wouldn’t be fair of him not to believe you when you said you liked salmon.

What if you take him at face value? What then? Maybe it’s a conversation about health checks and viagra.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 10/03/2023 21:57

NotTodayMaybeNever

good you feel like that poem when you are single !

not good what you have now
as much as you love him and are connected , he doesn’t make you feel GOOD and it’s going to get worse and worse
it won’t change

so be single x

Zanatdy · 10/03/2023 22:06

it 100% matters. Sexual attraction is what separates a relationship from a friendship.

Original poster
NotTodayMaybeNever · 10/03/2023 22:38

Yeah that's what I think too.

OP posts:
username1722 · 10/03/2023 23:15

It would 100% matter to me. I couldn't be with someone who didn't fancy me. Likewise, I couldn't be with someone who I didn't fancy.

Sure, some relationships do work without sexual attraction, but it's usually in those who neither spouse are interested in sex. This obviously isn't the case for you. It's concerning that you say he does have interest in sex but just not with you.

Sounds like you have no kids and you're not married. So it's an easy fix, just leave him. No matter how much love there is, if he doesn't fancy you, your self-esteem is going to plummet.

JenniferBooth · 10/03/2023 23:33

Love is an action not a feeling

Pinkplasticbathcup · 11/03/2023 03:33

NotTodayMaybeNever · 10/03/2023 19:51

I'm not projecting. It's based on experience. I'd be a fool to just assume it was different this time.

Yes it’s based on experience of past lovers. He’s not your past lovers. He’s a 50year old bloke who’s happy with a quick dip and a cuddle once a fortnight.

I think, in all honesty, you might be in danger of chucking away a perfectly good relationship because he’s not satisfying a particular insecurity of yours. You’re talking a lot about him looking at other women/masturbating about other women - men do that. It doesn’t mean they love their partners any less. And you don’t even have any proof that he’s doing it anyway!!

I don’t know OP. It sounds like this is something you’ve struggled with for a long time, and kindly, I think it might not be him that the issue here.

What would you feel is an acceptable level of sex in this situation? (Length of relationship, ages of participants etc). What could he do to convince you he fancies you?

GoldilocksIsALittleSod · 11/03/2023 10:43

I get the feeling that whatever he says you won't believe him.
Definitely better to break up, for him too I think.

Original poster
NotTodayMaybeNever · 11/03/2023 12:48

Love is an action not a feeling

It doesn’t mean they love their partners any less

This isn't about whether he loves me. I believe he loves me.

I don't believe he is attracted to me/finds me attractive.

Others have asked why I don't believe him when he says he fancies me or that I'm sexy. He said I'm sexy once and it felt like he was just trying to make an effort to say what he thought I wanted to hear after I tried talking to him about it.

And its easy to say things. Which is why we say actions speak louder than words.

I love him but I also feel a vast empty distance between us now. I don't really know what he feels because, as I said right at the start, he feels all he can offer me will sound like/be platitudes.

OP posts:
HelenDenver · 11/03/2023 12:49

Do you fancy him, OP?

Original poster
NotTodayMaybeNever · 11/03/2023 12:55

Yes.

OP posts:
Livelifelaughter · 11/03/2023 12:56

I asked my bf and he almost couldn't understand the question and said that of course a guy should fancy their gf.

Luredbyapomegranate · 11/03/2023 13:07

But he's not getting erections at all with me now. I don't feel it's my place to bring it up.

OP you’re his partner, of course it’s your place to bring it up. You seem completely lost in your own head and deep in rumination. It never gets anyone anywhere.

It’s easy to get complacent in relationships, and spontaneity in sex does tend to disappear as you leave your 20s.

If he’s a good bloke and you love each other then sit down with him and say this needs to get sorted out, or it’s not going to work.

You need to take control of things in life, else you just won’t get what you want. Of course you shouldn’t stay if he isn’t going to change, but you haven’t given it a chance yet.

CallieQ · 11/03/2023 13:15

Yes of course it does

Original poster
NotTodayMaybeNever · 11/03/2023 13:26

Livelifelaughter · 11/03/2023 12:56

I asked my bf and he almost couldn't understand the question and said that of course a guy should fancy their gf.

I also think they should.

I think he is overlooking, or trying to overlook, the fact he doesn't fancy me because everything else is so good; or he doesn't want to be single at his age; or he doesn't want to tell people we've split up. Whatever reason.

I think it feels like a sacrifice worth making to him because he will still find other women attractive etc. So he's not missing out on anything.

He's the only man I'm interested in being attracted to me. We went out last night and I could see men looking at me. I know I scrub up ok but I really don't give a shit. I'm not interested in anyone else, I don't find any satisfaction in the attentions of random men. It means nothing.

I almost think I'd feel OK with it if he just admitted it. At the moment, when we get ready to go out or something, I make an effort but, when I walk into the room he is in, I can't bring myself to look at him. I don't want him to feel he needs to say something complimentary to me. Sometimes he says I look nice but it feels like a social nicety rather than the truth. And, if he says nothing, I can barely get out of the door for the huge elephant in the way.

So no, I guess he can't win. If he says something nice it feels like an insincere platitude and if he says nothing the silence is deafening.

I've got to the point where I dread going out socially with him. He is friendly and sociable. Will talk to anyone, has become friendly with my friends. Has no issue with me having male friends (we're going out with one of them tonight), doesn't have inappropriate friendships with female friends of his own. He doesn't flirt or eye up other women. But I've dropped out of a few social events at the last minute because I'm worried about cramping his style and I think I almost feel I need to give him the space to meet someone else.

When we talked a couple of weeks ago, he told me that he loved me and would never leave me. I know no one can predict that and what he was communicating was that he was in this for the long haul. But i told him i didn't want that. I'd rather he promised that he wouldn't stay a second longer than he wanted to.

I just feel like I'm at the bottom of a huge pit.

All I can see are the dark walls and a tiny circle of light at the top. But I don't know how to get to it or what I'd find if I got there.

I've had some really shitty experiences with men who were complete arseholes, faithless, sleazy etc. This man is none of those things. But nothing has ever made me feel as low and as lost as I feel right now.

OP posts:
Original poster
NotTodayMaybeNever · 11/03/2023 13:31

Tbh, it's not really the sex itself. I'd rather have a good relationship overall. I canine without that.

What I couldn't deal with is him not wanting to/not being arsed about it/not wanting to have sex with me/getting sexual satisfaction elsewhere so the dact he doesn't fancy me didn’t matter

OP posts:
HelenDenver · 11/03/2023 13:33

All of his behaviour is consistent with him
fancying you but having a lower libido now, through age etc.

he doesn’t seem to show signs of fancying other women, from what you have said.

HelenDenver · 11/03/2023 13:34

And he will feel awkward about complimenting you if he knows you don’t believe him.

DahliaBlue · 11/03/2023 13:41

Ask him to try viagra and arrange a sexy night once a week. It is probably just his age.

Livelifelaughter · 11/03/2023 13:46

NotTodayMaybeNever · 11/03/2023 13:26

I also think they should.

I think he is overlooking, or trying to overlook, the fact he doesn't fancy me because everything else is so good; or he doesn't want to be single at his age; or he doesn't want to tell people we've split up. Whatever reason.

I think it feels like a sacrifice worth making to him because he will still find other women attractive etc. So he's not missing out on anything.

He's the only man I'm interested in being attracted to me. We went out last night and I could see men looking at me. I know I scrub up ok but I really don't give a shit. I'm not interested in anyone else, I don't find any satisfaction in the attentions of random men. It means nothing.

I almost think I'd feel OK with it if he just admitted it. At the moment, when we get ready to go out or something, I make an effort but, when I walk into the room he is in, I can't bring myself to look at him. I don't want him to feel he needs to say something complimentary to me. Sometimes he says I look nice but it feels like a social nicety rather than the truth. And, if he says nothing, I can barely get out of the door for the huge elephant in the way.

So no, I guess he can't win. If he says something nice it feels like an insincere platitude and if he says nothing the silence is deafening.

I've got to the point where I dread going out socially with him. He is friendly and sociable. Will talk to anyone, has become friendly with my friends. Has no issue with me having male friends (we're going out with one of them tonight), doesn't have inappropriate friendships with female friends of his own. He doesn't flirt or eye up other women. But I've dropped out of a few social events at the last minute because I'm worried about cramping his style and I think I almost feel I need to give him the space to meet someone else.

When we talked a couple of weeks ago, he told me that he loved me and would never leave me. I know no one can predict that and what he was communicating was that he was in this for the long haul. But i told him i didn't want that. I'd rather he promised that he wouldn't stay a second longer than he wanted to.

I just feel like I'm at the bottom of a huge pit.

All I can see are the dark walls and a tiny circle of light at the top. But I don't know how to get to it or what I'd find if I got there.

I've had some really shitty experiences with men who were complete arseholes, faithless, sleazy etc. This man is none of those things. But nothing has ever made me feel as low and as lost as I feel right now.

Show quote history

I know this is off point but reading the rest of your reply I think you write so eloquently. I think you really do need to say the things that you have expressed to him he might not be able to change but he might be able to explain and give you reassurance which may help. You sound wonderful he sounds great in all respects bar this so please try and don't throw it away. Hug.

bengeeh · 11/03/2023 13:47

It would slowly eat away at me, so yes I'd be bothered by it.

JenniferBooth · 11/03/2023 13:54

Its his age? 50 isnt old

Livelifelaughter · 11/03/2023 14:06

JenniferBooth · 11/03/2023 13:54

Its his age? 50 isnt old

Agree, my bf is in his 50s and is very sexual and sexy !