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Original poster

Does it matter if your partner doesn't fancy you?

153 replies

NotTodayMaybeNever · 10/03/2023 09:27

I don't know.

I always thought it was important and the thing that separates partners from other friends. But maybe I'm wrong?

My boyfriend tells me he loves me and his words and actions back it up. He told me the other day that I'm his best friend and his words and actions back it up. But he doesn't really appear to fancy me and doesn't say anything that would suggest otherwise really. He doesn't flirt with me. We rarely have sex. He doesn't often get an erection if we lie in bed naked together.

We we first got together, he said he'd had a crush on me for a while and then fell in love with me. In a conversation we had early on, he said he hadn't thought of me sexually before we got together. He liked my attitude and approach to life, thought I had a good sense of humour and made him laugh, liked my resilience and my "ah fuck it" attitude. That sort of thing.

It's not that he has no interest in sex. He just isn't really interested in sex with me. He was for the first few months but that was just novelty I think. But now we can got for a week or more and he shows no interest. He just doesn't become sexually aroused around me.

I've heard all of this so many times before from everyone I've ever dated. That I'm lovely and all that. But I'm just not fanciable.

I'm just not happy to be in a relationship where sexual needs are being met elsewhere. Because it just makes me feel like shit. I'm confident he's not cheating but I can't imagine I'm at the forefront of his mind during 'alone time' if he's not interested when I'm actually with him.

I just can't believe that it's happened again tbh.

OP posts:
Original poster
NotTodayMaybeNever · 13/03/2023 09:35

Looking down at the similar threads at the bottom of the page, there is a woman who posted because she loves her partner but no longer fancies him and wonders about staying together and a woman who posted that her partner adores her but no longer finds her sexually attractive.

That's what I'm worried about - him not wanting to end it or be honest because I'm his best friend and he adores me and doesn't want to lose the relationship but no longer finds me sexually attractive.

OP posts:
Original poster
NotTodayMaybeNever · 13/03/2023 09:47

BenCoopersSupportWren · 13/03/2023 09:31

OP, you sound absolutely determined to fit the facts into your own internal narrative. You have no proof whatsoever that he is thinking of other women, but you’ve decided he is and now you’re eating your heart out over it.

TBH I’m not sure how much point there is in talking to him right now because I don’t think you’d really listen to anything he says; I think you’ll be looking out for anything that confirms the story you’ve constructed in your head and discard anything that doesn’t fit.

Do you struggle with low self-esteem? I ask that with sympathy, I used to be terrible when I was younger and found myself heavily reliant on feeling like the only woman my OH could ever find attractive (which is unrealistic, of course). It manifested itself in jealousy too and I noted with interest your comment about him not having an issue with you having male friends. Was there a hint of wistfulness there? A wish that he’d show just a little bit of jealousy, nothing controlling but enough to ‘prove’ he saw you as someone desirable enough that it’s natural other men might covet you?

I think in the absence of any evidence that he’s using other women to get his jollies, there’s a lot to say it could be natural age-related decline of libido, and perhaps he’s also now feeling under more pressure to perform because he knows how important it is to you to feel desired (which is not blaming you or saying you were wrong to raise it! But unfortunately these issues can be so sensitive on both sides that it wouldn’t be a surprise if it were an unintended consequence.)

Some of this next part is going to sound harsher than it’s meant to be, but that will be my clumsiness in expressing it because I am intending to be supportive. It does sound a little like you assume his every response, all the thoughts in his head when you’re together (out of bed not just in), have to relate to you/women/sex in some way and if he’s not panting for you then he’s automatically imagining other women. That really is unlikely to be the case…he is allowed to have his own thoughts / worries / dreams about all kinds of things separate to you, and some of those things - especially if they’re worries - may have an effect on his libido. That’s not a free pass for him to ignore you completely or be thoughtless towards you, but that’s not the impression you give of him; you say he’s loving and affectionate.

I think if you’re at the point where you’re self-sabotaging your everyday social life because you’re worrying if he’s going to compliment your appearance and if so, is it meaningful, then perhaps it’s time to think about counselling before you throw the towel in here. I’d suggest some individual counselling first, to explore your own thoughts and emotions around this, but it may be couples counselling might also be appropriate a little further down the line. Of course it’s a valid choice for you to end the relationship if it isn’t fulfilling you, but it sounds like there’s enough good stuff here to at least try to work through it with some support.

No. I wouldn't want him to feel jealous. I included that as part of showing that he isn't a dick and that everything otherwise is good. Tbh, I don't care whether other men find me attractive or not and he knows that. I only care that he does.

I know he's going to find other women attractive. That's normal. But if he is finding other women attractive but not me then that would be a problem.

I don't expect/assume his every though to be about sex/women but that is what the thread is about so that's why I've focused on that.

If it is age related, I don't want him to feel under pressure to perform. I don't want it to be something he worries about.

OP posts:
Livelifelaughter · 13/03/2023 09:58

My husband ended our marriage because he said he found me more like a sister or friend and stopped finding me sexually attractive. I was devestated but frankly not as honest with myself as you and thought he was shallow and fickle but now appreciate he was not. I have never had a problem with men being attracted to me before or after, it was nothing to do with looks but how he had defined me.

Original poster
NotTodayMaybeNever · 13/03/2023 10:06

Livelifelaughter · 13/03/2023 09:58

My husband ended our marriage because he said he found me more like a sister or friend and stopped finding me sexually attractive. I was devestated but frankly not as honest with myself as you and thought he was shallow and fickle but now appreciate he was not. I have never had a problem with men being attracted to me before or after, it was nothing to do with looks but how he had defined me.

I think I'm just quite pragmatic about things.

I know that attraction can be there initially and then just fade or disappear completely and I know this can happen for any reason really.

I would be ok if he said he had just stopped fancying me. That would be fine. But I wouldn't want to be misled or used.

OP posts:
NCMum79 · 13/03/2023 10:18

Why would he mislead and use you? From what you've described he sounds considerate and loving?

80s · 13/03/2023 10:24

How about you, OP: do you fancy him, and if so, can he tell that you do? What physical reactions can he see in your body to know that you fancy him? What do you say or do to prove it - things that cannot just be platitudes?

Original poster
NotTodayMaybeNever · 13/03/2023 10:28

80s · 13/03/2023 10:24

How about you, OP: do you fancy him, and if so, can he tell that you do? What physical reactions can he see in your body to know that you fancy him? What do you say or do to prove it - things that cannot just be platitudes?

Seriously?

OP posts:
80s · 13/03/2023 10:29

Why not? You don't mention whether you fancy him or not. And presumably you expect the same from yourself as from him?

BeatricePortinari · 13/03/2023 10:41

"But now we can got for a week or more and he shows no interest"

So every week or so he does show interest and you have sex? Is that right? And when you have sex does he enjoy it?

This seems average for a man in his 50s, the rest of the time he's probably not really thinking about sex and just enjoying being with you.

Lots of people view this as a normal adult relationship:
Partner thinks you are attractive
Enjoys sex with you
Only wants to be with you
Not interested in anyone else
Loves you and is committed.
Not constantly thinking about sex.

All sounds good, except you want some sort of unbridled passion scenario.
Some people just aren't like that.

So maybe you are just incompatible.

But all your set ups where he fails to give you the response you want sound exhausting and he's evidently realised there is some game being played and he's failing at it despite trying to do the right thing.

Didn't you say the poor man liked you because you are easy going? Tbh you come across as very hard work.

Orangeradiorabbit · 13/03/2023 15:27

OP If it's any consolidation, I think there are many people out there who experience the same thing as you. I know on Mumsnet you see people post that they have been with their partner for 50 years and he still stops in his tracks everytime she strips off. Or that the partner is always gagging for sex. That might be true for some people but not everyone.

I think it's normal for the head turning attraction to fade as you get used to each other, especially if you have a "best friend" relationship. Will he leave because of this? Who knows, this is likely to do with the character of the man. But your man sounds like a great guy who is doing and saying the right things. But as others have said, work on your self confidence knowing that you're gorgeous and fancy-able whether or not you get the signals from him.

I say this as someone who has a "best friend" partner. I don't feel he "fancies" me - will turn down sex, doesn't notice sexy underwear, won't look twice if I'm naked - and i don't really fancy him in that way either. Because we have been together so long. But there are times when I look at him and think "you're hot", I know other women find him attractive (I.e. he is a hot and fanciable man). And the same with me - I scrub up well and am fanciable. It's just that we've been together so long and the novelty has worn off (look up the Coolidge effect). I don't see it as a negative and I wouldn't leave him because of it. Looks have never been that important to me in a partner anyway - maybe you're partner is one of these people too.

I share this story to say that I empathise and give another point of view and let you know "not fancying a partner" isn't necessarily bad. Trust him, it sounds like you're in a good relationship. And learn to see the hotness in yourself.

QueefQueen80s · 13/03/2023 17:21

We all deserve to be with people who find us attractive.
One of the reasons I left a very comfortable relationship was that he fancied the pants off me but I didn't with him and I wanted him to be with someone who wanted to touch him etc.

QueefQueen80s · 13/03/2023 17:25

Just realised you have sex once a week, that's good!

Original poster
NotTodayMaybeNever · 13/03/2023 17:45

Will he leave because of this?

I'm not worried about him leaving me.

OP posts:
Orangeradiorabbit · 13/03/2023 18:52

NotTodayMaybeNever · 13/03/2023 17:45

Will he leave because of this?

I'm not worried about him leaving me.

Sorry, I miss-read and thought that was your worry. If it is 100% about your own happiness and you're not happy then maybe it is best to look for someone that makes you happy in that way. However, it feels like you're letting a good man, and - like I said - I feel loosing that "fancying" feeling is normal for many couples after a long time together. So it might happen with the next person and the person after that. But you have to do what's best for you and your own happiness.

Original poster
NotTodayMaybeNever · 13/03/2023 21:05

No. Being single doesn't bother me.

I'm terrified of being 'settled for' though.

He's talked about marriage and we've discussed living together previously but the thought makes me feel very anxious. I feel he would be trapped then and, if he no longer wanted to be with me, his decision to end it or not would be further complicated by divorce or finding somewhere else to live. I worry that he'd stay (like so many people do).because it's easier than leaving.

OP posts:
Original poster
NotTodayMaybeNever · 13/03/2023 21:14

And it's only been 18 months. That shouldn't have happened yet I don't think. I don't know. I don't have much experience of relationships. Maybe I'm expecting too much! 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
BigButtons · 14/03/2023 06:38

A lot if what is happening is happening in your head.
maybe it is your inexperience and maybe your expectations are skewed. All relationships have lean times as far as sex goes. You are dealing with another human being who has their own life and issues to deal with.
I think you would benefit from therapy- if you are not already having some- you certainly need to discuss your thoughts with a professional.

NCMum79 · 14/03/2023 06:50

I agree with pp, if you have this deepseated fear then everything he's saying and doing seems to be getting interpreted as a sign of that fear coming true. In a relationship trust is paramount obviously, and it seems like you don't trust him to tell you the truth about how he's really feeling - maybe you can't trust anyone to do that?

I'm wondering if you are completely honest with your own feelings? Does he know for example, the reason you don't want to move in? Or anything about this fear you have?

I had an abusive relationship with my DDs dad and in my new relationship, even years of therapy after, I had trust issues when stressed. In the end I found the CBT method of Socrative questioning useful www.therapistaid.com/therapy-worksheet/socratic-questioning. I also spoke very openly with my DP about it. I hope you manage to figure it out

NCMum79 · 14/03/2023 06:53

Sorry that link adds a full stop to the end and gets a 404 error, this should work
www.therapistaid.com/therapy-worksheet/socratic-questioning

NameThenChange · 14/03/2023 07:00

NotTodayMaybeNever · 10/03/2023 10:54

I've never been particularly attracted to men everyone thinks are 'good looking'. I'm very rarely attracted to looks. Maybe 2 or 3 times in my whole life.

But he does see attractive people.

I just want to be with someone who finds me desirable. Who fancies me. Who wants to have sex with me because of me.

It's not working no because I don't want to be out with someone who is thinking other women are attractive or siting next to.someone who is thinking other women are attractive whilst knowing they're not attracted to me at all.

Op this is really sad. He doesn't deserve you. Leave x

NameThenChange · 14/03/2023 07:02

And honestly I'm not sure it's an age thing. My DH is mid 40's and would dtd every night if I had the energy. He always tells me his much he fancies me and in over 20 years I have never felt like he is looking at anyone else but me.

Original poster
NotTodayMaybeNever · 14/03/2023 07:18

NCMum79 · 14/03/2023 06:50

I agree with pp, if you have this deepseated fear then everything he's saying and doing seems to be getting interpreted as a sign of that fear coming true. In a relationship trust is paramount obviously, and it seems like you don't trust him to tell you the truth about how he's really feeling - maybe you can't trust anyone to do that?

I'm wondering if you are completely honest with your own feelings? Does he know for example, the reason you don't want to move in? Or anything about this fear you have?

I had an abusive relationship with my DDs dad and in my new relationship, even years of therapy after, I had trust issues when stressed. In the end I found the CBT method of Socrative questioning useful www.therapistaid.com/therapy-worksheet/socratic-questioning. I also spoke very openly with my DP about it. I hope you manage to figure it out

I have been honest about the reason I'm wary of moving in.

He has said that, when he was younger, he would have stayed out of fear of the unknown and every other reason people do but he also says that he wouldn't do it again. He has promised me that he would end things with me if he didn't want to be there anymore, said he would move back to his mum's temporarily but he has reassured le that he wouldn't stay if he didn't want to.

He says that he loves me and that he does fancy me. But I believe that he loves me. He shows me all the time. I'm struggling with the idea that he fancies me too. I've never been in a relationship where there is love and sexual attraction at the same time. I don't know whether it's this experience that is making me not be able to see it or believe it.

When I say he notices attractive women, he also notices attractive men. He makes light hearted self deprecating remarks if there is a fit, toned man on TV, he notices good looking men too. It's not something he does often - mainly about people on TV but even then, probably only about 3 or 4 women in total and not done in a way to make me feel bad about myself. But it still does.

I just don't see how he can be attracted to me when other women are objectively far more attractive.

I also know some of the things just from comments he has made in passing. I don't possess any of those qualities or do any of those things - eg certain accents, certain dress styles, that sort of thing. I just dont see how he can find me attractive. I look nothing like his exes physically so i dont see how he can be attracted to me. And then he says im everything hes ever wanted which makes me feel he can't be trusted and is lying to me because I'm none of those things. So when I have 'evidence' he doesn't find me attractive too, it just compounds this feeling.

OP posts:
PortiasBiscuit · 14/03/2023 07:24

I’m a woman in my 50’s, I am realistic, I don’t really expect anyone to “fancy” me anymore. I don’t “fancy” DH, he is wrinkly, balding with a bit of a tummy. He loves me, I love him. Why is this not enough?

HelenDenver · 14/03/2023 07:25

Do you have a very definite physical type, OP? Or do you think that, say, both Benedict Cumberbatch and Idris Elba are good looking?

My husband doesn’t look like my ex, still fancy them both!

HelenDenver · 14/03/2023 07:35

“I just don't see how he can be attracted to me when other women are objectively far more attractive.”

Well, you are attracted to him, and I’m sure other men are objectively more attractive - see above two examples, or George Clooney, or Daniel Craig, or whoever floats your boat.

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