Does it matter if your partner doesn't fancy you?

[NotTodayMaybeNever]

I don't know.

I always thought it was important and the thing that separates partners from other friends. But maybe I'm wrong?

My boyfriend tells me he loves me and his words and actions back it up. He told me the other day that I'm his best friend and his words and actions back it up. But he doesn't really appear to fancy me and doesn't say anything that would suggest otherwise really. He doesn't flirt with me. We rarely have sex. He doesn't often get an erection if we lie in bed naked together.

We we first got together, he said he'd had a crush on me for a while and then fell in love with me. In a conversation we had early on, he said he hadn't thought of me sexually before we got together. He liked my attitude and approach to life, thought I had a good sense of humour and made him laugh, liked my resilience and my "ah fuck it" attitude. That sort of thing.

It's not that he has no interest in sex. He just isn't really interested in sex with me. He was for the first few months but that was just novelty I think. But now we can got for a week or more and he shows no interest. He just doesn't become sexually aroused around me.

I've heard all of this so many times before from everyone I've ever dated. That I'm lovely and all that. But I'm just not fanciable.

I'm just not happy to be in a relationship where sexual needs are being met elsewhere. Because it just makes me feel like shit. I'm confident he's not cheating but I can't imagine I'm at the forefront of his mind during 'alone time' if he's not interested when I'm actually with him.

I just can't believe that it's happened again tbh.

Attraction is so much more than physical thought?

"I just don't see how he can be attracted to me when other women are objectively far more attractive"

Most of us are less objectively attractive than say - Christy Turlington, George Clooney and a multitude of other people in real life. By the logic above, does that mean hardly anyone is really attracted to anyone they're with?

Can you accept that there's a chance that this is less about him and more about your existing beliefs and logic?

I'm in my 50s, and on occasion I've found it harder to orgasm than I did in my 30s. My dp and I don't have such rampant sex as when we first met. I don't tell him he's sexy too often as he's a little self-conscious about his appearance and it makes him uncomfortable. We sometimes see men, or meet men in social situations, who are subjectively more attractive than him. Like your bf, I don't eye other people up. If my dp took all those facts and decided it meant I was secretly masturbating while thinking about other men, and that I didn't fancy him and had just "settled" for him, I'd be bewildered.

I would not be able to prove that I fancied him. My body does not get aroused on command, especially under that kind of pressure. I could say he was sexy but he could see it as a platitude. And it would feel awkward, knowing that if I said something he wouldn't believe me but if I said nothing he'd see that as proof he was right. I'd probably be hurt that my dp was doubting my honesty, and end it.

Your bf seems to be giving you the space you need and trying to work out how to be with you without triggering your fears? He sounds understanding and perseverant. The therapy that you have had over the years - was that also about your belief that you are an unattractive person? Have you considered having counselling with your bf as a means of reassuring yourself that he fancies you "enough" - or of deciding to your own satisfaction that he definitely doesn't?

You don't talk about how you feel about him, or felt about him, in terms of desire.

For me, it's a mutual thing. If I get absolutely sopping wet just thinking about someone, then the spark is there and they are turned on by me, I am then turned on even more etc etc.

I wonder if the common factor with all these men is you ... but you in the sense that actually there was never much of a spark for you either. You perhaps (just reading your posts) just like being desired so far in relationships with men.

That's sad and feeds into it being okay to perv on young people.

Doesn’t matter if anyone else would be OK, you aren’t. I suspect most people are the same (though that doesn’t matter here).

If this is happening regularly with multiple partners have you considered why? Knowing little about the situation it is hard to tell. Is there a type of behaviour you get in to with partners which starts to make the relationship move a certain way. Did the men you have had this experience get this way with other partners? I note this did not happen when you were in relationships where it was only about sex, so perhaps there is a rut you get in to when you are “all in” with a relationship?

There is always the issue there is some other problem going on that is unrelated to you, but if you have seen this more than once think about what you may be doing. It may be something really simple to fix.

I don't get the logic of that @QueefQueen80s ?

Yes it definitely matters. My exH and I split as I no longer fancied him, after 21 years - we were both 40. Current boyfriend sends me sexy texts all day, every day that we aren't together. He Constantly tells me how much he fancies me. We are 52 and 56 and have a great sex life. You deserve to be adored.

"I just don't see how he can be attracted to me when other women are objectively far more attractive."

That is not how it works.

Imagine you were in room with 100 of the most attractive men of the last century, while at their prime attractiveness. Would 99 of them become unattractive because you found 1 slightly more objectively attractive than the others?

Now try asking the mirror of that scenario to any man you know, they would think you were mad for even considering that.

OP- I genuinely cannot see what you want from this thread.😕

Loads of people have given you very valid insights as to what is most likely occurring.
Having been involved in this thread since Sunday my stance has changed somewhat, having looked at your reactions to other posters.
You are hell bent on believing what you want to believe is the truth and are not interested in entertaining any other possibility.
You won't talk with you Oh because you say you wouldn't be able to believe him anyway, no matter what he said. The poor man cannot win.

I would suggest that this is the main reason why you are finding yourself in this situation over and over and over again. It will happen again unless you challenge your thought patterns.

When I was in my very early 20s, my relationships were more like fwbs. Men I really fancied but who I never really developed an emotional connection with. I wasn't interested in falling in love or any of that and so it was just about going out, having fun and sometimes sex. But I never dated anyone for more than 3 months or so before Ioved onto the next. Many of them were shorter flings than that.

In my mid 20s Iet the man I had a 10 year relationship with but that was almost entirely secless after the first 3 months and I'm talking frequency of sex could be measure in years rather than weeks or months. We probably had sex about 3 times after the first 3 months. We were intimate - lay in bed talking for hours, laughed a lot, hugged, foot rubs, cooked together etc just no sex. We didn't really love each other romantically, we were just very, very close friends.

Since that broke up, I've had a few short term things and they were either like my marriage but not long enough for love to develop or (mostly) little more than fwb.

I've never had a relationship (before) where love and sex were combined.

I think theres a degree to which I don't have a blueprint for it. I know he loves me so I can't imagine how he would fancy me too. I've never had a long term (or even this long) sexual relationship before so I can't see how he would still find me sexually attractive after 18 months.

OP- I genuinely cannot see what you want from this thread

I can see that myself now.

I don't know. I was hoping someone might say something that flipped the way I thought. I've thought back over everything everyone has said but I can't embed it in my thought processes.

Sometimes I think maybe I'll just begin to think/feel differently eventually. Sometimes I can only see that my way of seeing it is right. I don't know.

I don't know how to bring it up with him. I don't know what to say.

I want to ask him questions that it might not be fair or appropriate to ask or that he dosnt want to answer honestly. It doesn't really matter what the answer is at this stage, I just want to know for definite. But if its not fair to ask and I'm not sure he'd answer honestly, then what is the point?

It is really hard to break thought patterns, OP, one thread isn’t going to do it. Does he know about your sexless marriage?

i think you have made progress, you do acknowledge that it might be your thoughts not reality, even if you can’t believe it yet

I think what you mean here is no one has said anything you want to agree with because it does not suit your narrative. I mean this in the most gentle of ways but you need to find out what is causing you think like this about relationships, where it has come from in your childhood. Look into attachment theory.
Find a good counsellor.

This is the best thing I've seen all day! You gorgeous woman. Thank you for sharing this and I really hope OP reads and saves this post. Let's tie a big red ribbon around this poem. ❤

OP, I had the reverse issue. My ex only fancied me/desired me sexually. At first it was ok but it started to really get to me that he only wanted to be with me because of the sex. There was no other intimacy between us, not physically or emotionally. I really figured he didn't like me much but his sexual desire for me was very strong.

So in a way I understand how you feel. I wanted him to be attracted to my personality, to me as a person, even my looks/appearance, but I knew he wasn't. He didn't have to say it (altho after we ended things we are still friends and we had a conversation in which he admitted he was always sexually attracted to me but never said he was attracted to me in any other way 😂)

Honestly I wish my ex had been more like your DP, I don't really care about being fancied too much (but that could be cause I'm in my 50s now). Oddly my ex is dating someone who he loves and he's even admitted he doesn't care about being sexually attracted to her (yes he told me this) as he admits that other factors/characteristics are more important. Which means I was just a FWB for years.😂

In any case, regardless if I'd be happy with a partner like your DP (I would), you aren't. I have had both in a DP before - being fancied and adored. It truly is a wonderful thing. I haven't had it since I was in my 20s. Maybe therapy might help you work thru your feelings about this.

Johnisafckface

Thanks your your reply. I do understand what you mean.

That sounds like a pretty crappy and soulless experience and ove been there before myself.

It's not even that I was mind blowing, amazing, best ever sex. But I've dated men before who weren't sexually attracted to me and, tbh, that seemed to be appealing to them. It reassured one of them that I'd ever cheat. I suppose if he wasn't attracted to me in that way, he couldn't imagine anyone else would be either. I've been out with a couple of men who thought that tbh. But those men were all sexually attracted to someone.

One was on dating sites behind back and another was a heavy porn user. So it's not that these men don't have sexual desire for anyone, it's just that it's directed elsewhere which makes them unfaithful.

If he just isn't attracted to me in that way now or does fancy me a bit but not enough to be necessarily aroused by me but loves me and wants to continue the relationship but will fantasise about other women, then I'd rather that were at least out in the open.

Yes, he does know.

He was shocked when i told him but he's got no understanding of it really. He has had a couple of very long term relationships and other shorter ones that have, presumably, been very healthy in that respect.

I think reading your thread explains why you've never had a long term relationship. You self sabotage.

I think using how often you have sex as a measure of how much someone fancies you (over the age of 20) is pretty flawed. Sex 2-3 times a week is quite a lot in my book when you lead a busy life (and aren't in your teens/early 20s), sex every 10 days isn't awful either. I don't think any relationship keeps up the initial flurry of sex, this doesn't mean the other person doesn't fancy anymore. Given you are also older there's the physiological aspect at play, not just the initial rip one another's clothes off enthusiasm wavering. You sound so insecure, everything you write points to a man who loves you and is affectionate, but because you aren't having sex everyday you've concluded he doesn't fancy you anymore? I really fancy and love my husband and vice versa but we don't measure this in the number of sex sessions we have. I don't want sex everyday anymore, I can't be arsed, as amazing as our sex is, it's got nothing to do with how much I fancy him though. We are 18 years in, sex isn't the main focus, it's great when it happens, but our relationship hasn't revolved around it for about 16 years!

I don't think there's anything wrong with your relationship, you are trying to find a problem where there doesn't appear to be one. If you said you never had sex and he never touched you, then ok, this isn't the case here.

He's very physically affectionate. He strokes my back in bed, holds my hand in public and we cuddle a lot.

He sounds adorable!
**
We had sex last night but he started to lose his erection a little. Maybe it is just the age thing. I was going to speak to him about it afterwards but I became ill out of nowhere and spent most of the might throwing up

Now, why did you suddenly start throwing up? Could be coincidence but is something deeper going on?
**
I'll have to speak to him this week. I suppose I'm also a bit worried that, if he doesn't find me sexually attractive enough, then he's going to only be able to do it if he's thinking about other women. I'd rather not have sex at all than only be able to because he's thinking about other women.

Oh my goodness, what a mess! He sounds lovely, and physically affectionate. I’d imagine with all that’s going on, he feels pressured - and erectile dysfunction isn’t that uncommon. But it needs to be gently and sensitively handled or it becomes a “thing”: not complaining that he doesn’t find you attractive or that he must be thinking of other women in order to do it.

Read some of your posts back. I agree with the pp who speaks of you self sabotaging. At this rate, you’ll be sabotaging this relationship too and saying how this happens to you all the time and it’s happened again as you walk out, leaving the poor bloke utterly bewildered.

Yes, I think it is your thought patterns. I’m no expert in therapies but I think that is key here, and trying to break into them

I agree.

My friend is 43, her DH is 56. They've been married for 18 years.

She told me his sex drive is much lower now comparing how it used to be. He is in denial and does nothing about it. She gave him 3-6 months to sort himself out,

If nothing improves, she is getting a lover and he is informed about it.

i’m surprised at all these age gap relationships I read on mumsnet. When I was 25 I’d not have been interested in a man nearly 40 - and now hearing about the increased likelihood for sexual incompatibility id say it was a wise choice.

OP, is he much older than you?

He's a few years older than me, yes. It's a greater age gap than either of us would normally consider but we both felt the other was worth it. He's previously only dated women around his age.

He is adorable! He's perfect for me in every way. But for this.

I wouldn't make a big deal out of it - I was just going to ask him if he's OK. Whether it's an age thing or something to do with me. I can tell he's been avoiding it and I'm not sure whether he's avoiding me or avoiding the issue. If you see what I mean?

Tbh, I'd forgo sex altogether (if it's not an attraction issue). Having piv sex is not more important to me than him!

I'm aware it could become an issue. I have said before that I don't want him to feel under pressure or worry about it. I don't want him to feel he has to do anything he doesn't want to to please me. I mean, I'd have sex with him every day - he's lovely - but I accept that might not be realistic! I'm also aware that the menopause is looming for me and I'm probably experiencing a bit of peri libido surge. And I would rather not waste that given many of my post menopausal friends have no interest at all anymore by all accounts if its something that cpuld be resolved! But I wouldn't leave him to find someone I could have rampant sex with! He's far more important to me than that.

I was ill because I came down with something - he came down with it too about 24 hours later.

I haven't sabotaged previous relationships. I go into them all with an open mind. They've just become what they've become and I've left when I've realise they weren't what I wanted. I suppose he just presented being everything (love and sex) and the realisation that that might not be the case (for whatever reason) has been a bit of a cold, hard reality check.

I'd be happy to make peace with uncertain and infrequent sex if it's just his age. But not if he's quietly wishing I were more this, that or the other because what I am just doesn't do it for him.

Same. I think it's grim.

OP, gently, the 'he must fancy/think about other women because he's not fancying me' really sounds more and more in your head. You don't seem to have any evidence for this apart from the fact that other women exist.

You say you don't self-sabotage. Why do you date men who don't fancy you and why did you stay in a previous sexless relationship for ten years?

I suppose because I presume they do when they ask me out 🤷🏻‍♀️

Once I realise they don't, I usually end it but there have been times where we've got on so well akd had a lot of fun together so it's just lasted longer because of that.

The long relationship was a bit more complicated. He'd been a very close friend for years. I think we thought we did fancy each other to begin with. Realised after a few months that we didn't and just stayed together because neither of us wanted to lose the friendship. Eventually, years had passed. We had sex a couple of times after the first few months but only after wine, to scratch an itch and because we periodically felt we ought to make an effort to have a proper relationship if we were going to he together. I don't think either of us were really bothered by the lack of sex at the time.

I've only really tried dating 4 or 5 men in the last decade or so. I was almost completely celibate from my mid 20s to early-mid 40s because of it all.