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Original poster

Partner said completely vile thing to me Infront of 15 month old daughter & then proclaimed it was only a "joke"

160 replies

Sclouise · 09/03/2023 13:31

My partner came out with a disgusting comment that made me sound like a dog, describing my bits and making me feel humiliated and small & it was Infront of my 15 month old daughter.
I have PTSD from childhood abuse and one of my triggers is this sort of talk! However it would have completely disgusted any normal woman with any self respect. He also came home from work when I had a cold last week after I said I'd been relaxing for a bit due to feeling run down and said "when was the last time her nappy was done" when I asked him why he was being funny he denied he meant anything by it it was just a "simple statement" and called me crazy and paranoid.
He then started showing me articles from the internet that proved how "crazy" I am. On top of all this it's my birthday next week and we have a 2 week holiday booked in April to Turkey that I have entirely paid for and he's started acting like this again. It's like a cycle he's okay for a while then when anything important is coming up he starts saying weird and horrible things or doing things and we end up rowing until I ask him to leave or he leaves.
I'm frightened about where I should start now he's gone and I have so much anxiety about being a single mum.
It would be nice to hear from people that have read my situation from an outside perspective and could tell me I am not overreacting and that he shouldn't have spoken to me like that Infront of our daughter or not. As I've been told I'm over sensitive, paranoid, unstable and being over the top and that it's abuse to keep pestering him about what he said and not dropping it and forgiving him & for getting him to leave.

OP posts:
Greensleeves · 09/03/2023 13:34

Whatever the disgusting comment was, I'm more concerned that he seems to be conditioning you to accept abuse, gaslighting you constantly, undermining your sense of self as a mum and as a person - and he's good at it. He's got experience.

This isn't a good man. I'm sure you're aware that past abuse and PTSD can make you more susceptible to abusive controlling bastards; I think that is what has happened here. Do you have any support in RL, away from him? I think you need to start planning your escape.

Hadalifeonce · 09/03/2023 13:38

I think your life would be much more settled and less anxious as a single mum. This man sounds truly awful.

Original poster
Sclouise · 09/03/2023 13:43

I've been with him for 13 years so I'm pretty sure I have complex PTSD from him now as well, I'm used to this kind of thing from him but like I said things go okay sometimes for a long time and then he humiliates me or tries to ruin an important event or my life in some way by gaslighting and bringing me down. My confidence is so broken down and I doubt my own feelings/sanity at times. I'm very lucky to have just started EMDR for my childhood so at my next session I'm going to open about the abuse I've been suffering with him to.
I really want to stay away this time for good as I don't want my daughter suffering too! And if he can say stuff like this Infront of her! God knows what else he's capable of saying Infront of her and how he could try to ruin her confidence.
It's definitely time to move on and escape, I'm just full of so much anxiety and self doubt/ self belief.

OP posts:
thedogsmum · 09/03/2023 13:46

You need to leave for your daughter, otherwise ashe'll grow up thinking this is how women are treated, if he doesn't start to bully and undermine her too.

I'm a single parent and it's far easier than living with abuse.

Original poster
Sclouise · 09/03/2023 13:48

You are right, I need to do it this time! He's not doing it to her too. The illusion he creates is beginning to crack, like I am the abusive one, the crazy one. Thank you for clarifying that I am not insane or over the top.

OP posts:
BuffyTheBuffetSlayer · 09/03/2023 13:50

Greensleeves

Whatever the disgusting comment was, I'm more concerned that he seems to be conditioning you to accept abuse, gaslighting you constantly, undermining your sense of self as a mum and as a person - and he's good at it. He's got experience.

This isn't a good man. I'm sure you're aware that past abuse and PTSD can make you more susceptible to abusive controlling bastards; I think that is what has happened here. Do you have any support in RL, away from him? I think you need to start planning your escape

Exactly this! I stayed in an abusive relationship for over a decade, also because I was scared of being a single mum. Do you know what I learned AFTER I finally couldn't take it anymore and got rid of him? There was no fear. I felt amazing. Suddenly the knot in my stomach was gone. I felt free. I'd been paying for most things myself and doing almost all the house and child work so realistically nothing changed except I no longer had to wake up knowing I would spend my day walking on eggshells.

Family, out of nowhere turned up to support me where before they kept their distance because of him. I was able to rebuild relationships with friends and family and developed this new sense of confidence and self worth. I signed up to and completed my degree in education and my old life, the one where I dreaded waking up to, feels a million miles away.

I look back with great regret that I let 'fear of being a single mum' keep me imprisoned in a cycle of abuse, gaslighting, walking on eggshells, barely existing.

I tried so many times to take that first step to getting out and that stupid fear (which was all in my head) kept pulling me back, taking him back, apologising to keep the peace. Then one day I took it, then I took the next step, then the next...

So really think hard before you take him back. Are you already doing the lions share of everything? Do you have friends or family you can confide in?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/03/2023 13:51

What he is showing you is the nice/nasty cycle of abuse and that cycle is a continuous one. Your boundaries here, already damaged by previous abuse, are being further eroded away by this man now. He will continue to try and destroy you and take your child down with him into his pit. Your child indeed will not thrive within such an abusive environment.

Giving you spaghetti head is par for the course with an abuser and power and control over you is what he has wanted all along.

Abuse thrives on secrecy so I absolutely encourage you to open up to a trusted person like your therapist. Would you be willing and or able to contact Womens Aid too; they can and will help you here.

mrsfennel · 09/03/2023 13:52

People over use the term narcissist, but in your case it sound like your partner has narcissistic personality traits. Causing a scene, ruining things, making statements that gaslight you, causing arguments before a big event are classic signs.

What happens at Christmas and birthdays?

To be blunt he sounds disgusting and it sounds like he treats you in an appalling manner. Things haven't changed for 13 years so they are highly unlikely to do so now.

Every time he feels you are getting away he pipes down a bit, then the pattern continues.

Only you can decide what to do, but can you imagine the rest of your life like this?

Original poster
Sclouise · 09/03/2023 13:55

Yes I am paying absolutely everything. All my daughter's clothes the lot, I even paid for our supposed holiday. You sound like you know exactly what I have been through, thank you so much for taking the time to comment.
Sometimes it's just somebody pointing out what could actually be if I got away from this man finally. I too apologise normally to keep the peace so I don't have to go through the stress of breaking up etc but not this time. I need to leave this time for good. It's finding the self belief that I can do it and doing then doing it!

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/03/2023 13:55

Better to be from a so called broken home than to remain in one out of fear of being a single mother.

If the holiday cannot be cancelled without financial penalty and or loss, at the very least take his name off it.

Seek knowledge for your own self re benefits and ensure you are claiming fully what you are entitled to. Rebuild your life and continue with your therapy.

Original poster
Sclouise · 09/03/2023 13:59

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/03/2023 13:51

What he is showing you is the nice/nasty cycle of abuse and that cycle is a continuous one. Your boundaries here, already damaged by previous abuse, are being further eroded away by this man now. He will continue to try and destroy you and take your child down with him into his pit. Your child indeed will not thrive within such an abusive environment.

Giving you spaghetti head is par for the course with an abuser and power and control over you is what he has wanted all along.

Abuse thrives on secrecy so I absolutely encourage you to open up to a trusted person like your therapist. Would you be willing and or able to contact Womens Aid too; they can and will help you here.

Yes he is, you're right. It's the I'm your only friend, your soulmate, I'm the one who has always been here thing that keeps you hooked in some sort of an illusion. It's party of what makes you feel like you're going crazy and over reacting too when they do or say something horrendous. I feel like I've been living in a complete illusionary mess. I first met him when I was 15 too so it is all I've ever known.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sclouise · 09/03/2023 14:01

Sclouise · 09/03/2023 13:59

Yes he is, you're right. It's the I'm your only friend, your soulmate, I'm the one who has always been here thing that keeps you hooked in some sort of an illusion. It's party of what makes you feel like you're going crazy and over reacting too when they do or say something horrendous. I feel like I've been living in a complete illusionary mess. I first met him when I was 15 too so it is all I've ever known.

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I'm going to open up to my therapist, it's this feeling if betrayal that has stopped me ever getting help, & I will think about women's aid too, thank you 🥰

OP posts:
Original poster
Sclouise · 09/03/2023 14:02

He ruined almost every Christmas and we've absolutely never done anything for my birthday.

OP posts:
squidgybits · 09/03/2023 14:06

It does not sound like a healthy relationship in any way. You and your daughter deserve so much better
sending love and strength x

Original poster
Sclouise · 09/03/2023 14:09

squidgybits · 09/03/2023 14:06

It does not sound like a healthy relationship in any way. You and your daughter deserve so much better
sending love and strength x

Thank you so much. I will get the help I need. My daughter is the most beautiful precious little soul I have ever met & he will not destroy that. It's me & her from now on. I promised her that I would protect her always. It's time to take care of my own inner child who is screaming at me for help too!

OP posts:
Original poster
Sclouise · 09/03/2023 14:10

Sclouise · 09/03/2023 14:09

Thank you so much. I will get the help I need. My daughter is the most beautiful precious little soul I have ever met & he will not destroy that. It's me & her from now on. I promised her that I would protect her always. It's time to take care of my own inner child who is screaming at me for help too!

Show quote history

Thank you x

OP posts:
PurpleReindeer2 · 09/03/2023 14:10

OP you deserve so much better than to be treated like this. For your own sake and that of your young daughter please make plans to leave this toxic relationship. If you can't cancel the holiday then perhaps see if you can change his ticket for a friend, your sister or mum to go with you instead. Good luck. Don't go back. xxxx

Original poster
Sclouise · 09/03/2023 14:14

Thank you 🥰 I'm trying to make plans for the holiday maybe even go alone with her but my mental health is very fragile so that doesn't look best idea atm xxxx

OP posts:
Justmeandthedog1 · 09/03/2023 14:21

Far better to be a single mum than putting up with his behaviour.
Better for you and your daughter. Soon she will understand what he is saying, it will affect her.
Can you get the holiday changed to take your mum or a friend? If you can do that, then leave when you get back.

Original poster
Sclouise · 09/03/2023 14:29

I don't have many close family. My mum is also one of my abusers. You are right, I'm not going to do that to her.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 09/03/2023 14:46

You sound like a great woman who loves her daughter.

This man is very bad.

You do not want him destroying her childhood.

Of course it is hard to be brave and save your child from a similar childhood to yours, but you are all she has.

You want more for her?

You want to stop intergenerational abuse and trauma?

You can do that.

Contact Women's aid.

Tell the truth.

Save your child.

Get that man out of your life.

You can do this.

Let the love of your daughter be your strength.

Wishing you well.

Original poster
Sclouise · 09/03/2023 15:53

Thank you so much for taking the time to read my post and for your encouraging and amazing words. You are right and I am determined this time to put a stop to it for my little girl and my own sanity. I cannot continue with this much insanity and disruption in my life. I am going to get it together over the next few weeks and pluck up the courage to contact women's aid. Best wishes to you & again thank you so much for your kind words. ❤️

There are some lovely people in this thread. Thank you all.

OP posts:
TourmalineGiraffe · 09/03/2023 16:01

Please look up trauma bonding and the cycle of abuse.

All the fear, stress, questioning is part of being in this type of relationship, the cure is leaving.
I have been there, I stayed for 20 years, don’t be me.
I am now a very happy, confident single mom enjoying a peaceful life.
Come and join us on the other side, you can do it x

Giggorata · 09/03/2023 16:11

Ye gods, I started out to say just that jokes are meant to be funny, but as I scrolled down, it got worse and worse.
So glad to hear that you have decided enough is enough.

All those years of horrible cruelty, spoiled celebrations… shudder.

Be very careful and secretive when you make your plans to leave, it is often the most dangerous time for women in abusive relationships.
I wish you all the luck.

MissMaple82 · 09/03/2023 16:13

I don't know why being a single mum is viewed in such a negative light! I love being a single mum, I'm actually a lone mum. I do it all myself and I'm super proud. I get all the love, all the hugs, all the fun, all the recognition for the hard work. Children also have alot of respect for their single mums. Leave him and you'll eventually see your life improve... trust me!