Partner said completely vile thing to me Infront of 15 month old daughter & then proclaimed it was only a "joke"

[Sclouise]

My partner came out with a disgusting comment that made me sound like a dog, describing my bits and making me feel humiliated and small & it was Infront of my 15 month old daughter.
I have PTSD from childhood abuse and one of my triggers is this sort of talk! However it would have completely disgusted any normal woman with any self respect. He also came home from work when I had a cold last week after I said I'd been relaxing for a bit due to feeling run down and said "when was the last time her nappy was done" when I asked him why he was being funny he denied he meant anything by it it was just a "simple statement" and called me crazy and paranoid.
He then started showing me articles from the internet that proved how "crazy" I am. On top of all this it's my birthday next week and we have a 2 week holiday booked in April to Turkey that I have entirely paid for and he's started acting like this again. It's like a cycle he's okay for a while then when anything important is coming up he starts saying weird and horrible things or doing things and we end up rowing until I ask him to leave or he leaves.
I'm frightened about where I should start now he's gone and I have so much anxiety about being a single mum.
It would be nice to hear from people that have read my situation from an outside perspective and could tell me I am not overreacting and that he shouldn't have spoken to me like that Infront of our daughter or not. As I've been told I'm over sensitive, paranoid, unstable and being over the top and that it's abuse to keep pestering him about what he said and not dropping it and forgiving him & for getting him to leave.

I agree. He sounds completely horrible.

Who’s house is it?

And do you have any close family or friends?

I would confide in a trusted friend and maybe hide his passport or just change the name to their name without telling him.

A couple of days before the holiday I would make plans to go and stay at a hotel with your suitcase, passport and tickets and then tell him it’s over and that you are going on holiday without him and that you want him to have left by the time you get back.

I would have the friend or family member come on holiday with you and try and enjoy yourself as much as you can.

I think being on holiday will make it much easier to deal with as you can just switch your phone off and not have to worry about being there when he moves out etc.

Leaving a couple of days before also gives you time to get your head around it before going away.

Completely agree with.

Being a lone parent sounds so much better than living with so many of the nasty losers written about on here.

I agree with the suggestion to hid his passport out of the house.

Don't say a word about your plans.

Confide in a trusted person.

Get anything of sentimental value, valuable documents out of the house.

Copies of payslips are good too for a child benefit claim.

Don't let on a word of your plans to this ugly man.

Definitely the right decision to call time on this. You and your little girl deserve so much more. You might be able to move the date of your holiday, and remove him at the same time. Then it gives longer for you to feel stronger about going alone. Best of luck

He's actively sabotaging your happiness, wellbeing and confidence.

I bet there other examples, these are the types of men to scupper plans such as further education, jobs, anything which could make you be independant from them.

It's control, made to look like you're the one who's insecure (which you do eventually become) but recognise this is a deep seated insecurity in him whereby he needs to control you.

He is sytematically destroying your confidence.

Sorry to hear this OP.
I met one of these types at 15. I put up with 3 years of it.
He won’t change (stupidly almost got back with him over a decade later until he let the mask slip during one meet up).
Definitely take yourself and DD out of this situation. You will love your new life and the mental peace.
xx

Definitely, he even broke up with me around the time of the birth of my daughter, complained about the food I'd made him gaslit me into a full panic attack and left me crying and walked out. Left me in the house alone for a week before my induction date, to go through my induction and birth alone. I had insomnia for the last 3 months of my pregnancy and I still cooked for him cleaned and applied for new jobs and got him a new one after he lost his job. Told me he never even wanted a baby after pretending to be completely involved the whole time although he once let me walk to an appointment at the hospital in the dark alone after I had a scare my daughter wasn't moving.
He still managed to convince me it was all my fault and I ended up taking him back when he told me he was devastated he'd lost us both.

I also had gestational diabetes which is very difficult and the most horrendous restless legs and heart burn and all he cared about was himself and his food, sleep
etc etc..

Mine would ruin every birthday, night out, anything I’d looked forward to. Accuse me of cheating with every man we ever saw. Used my money from my weekend job as he could never keep a job for long and when he did have a wage then gambled it away in a day.
Exhausting. Yours sounds even worse.
LTB. Build a new life. It will be fab! X

He's tried sabotage evey job I have ever had & he never attended my graduation ceremony. While I was studying he smashed one of my laptop's so I couldn't study and even pulled the internet cable to bits once.

He actually sounds absolutely crazy.
Get this man away from your daughter.
Is he her biological dad?
You absolutely need to end it. You are in control of your own life and your child's.

What an utter c*
Mine tried to stop me revising for A levels so I wouldn’t get into Uni. I got in. I left. Best decision ever.
Seems like they are related!! 🤣 x

Bless you! He's definitely a sabotage master! I am going to make the most lovely life for my daughter! Thank you for your kind words 💖 x

Please look up the freedom programme and think about joint the course.

I left after years of abuse, believe me when I moved into my own flat with my little girl, we had nothing but I felt like I’d been given the world,

good luck and sending you strength

Joining

OP,

If you find yourself weakening, ask yourself is he what you want your daughter ending up with?

Because if you stay, that's what she likely will end up with.

When you are stronger, seek help to figure out why you accepted such dreadful treatment and what can you do to protect yourself from anything remotely like this in your future.

I think an extended period where you are on your own with your daughter would do you the world of good.

I sometimes think PPs can be a bit gung ho in suggesting to LTB. But do it.

Total and utter c**t . Congratulations on your new life and your education away from him! 🎊🎊🎊💖💖

No these types of men never support you, they are selfish and want you to support them.

Now open your eyes and see what he's doing, his teatment has a purpose, it's calculated and cruel when he needs to be. This person is not safe, he does not have your back, they are also the type to abandon you when you need help.

I think it may help you to read about narcisism, you may find it illuminating.

Definitely! I can tell this is the end for me! Thank you 🥰

Thank you I will definitely look into the freedom programme. I never knew if alot of this stuff was in my head and he'd convince me I deserved whatever treatment I got because I'm a bad person thats always done something to him.

I heard of womens aid and thought to myself in the past I'm not being hit regularly, maybe I said or did something wrong to deserve it. Maybe I am crazy and that I'm not abused enough for womens aid. But there's a reason I always had the number saved in my phone.

Go for it OP!

There may be weak moments in the days ahead. You will miss the person you sometimes saw (there is some talk of trauma bonds that keep you going back that I kind of recognise). But at those times remember those crude words he said about you in front of DD. And vow she’ll never hear words like that from her father - or any man ever again.

We’ll all be here to support you at those moments too! 😘 x

Happens so often, many men who suck the life out of their wives to the point they have no confidence, no life of their own, no hope, then they end up digarding the 'boring' wife for someone else.

They create the boringness and resentfulness and then leave because of it.

It's abuse.

I would never want her to go through what I have it would kill me. It's what he's said I front of her now & the gaslighting Infront of her telling me I'm crazy etc. I never want her to hear that. It's the last straw for me. She's given me strength. Thank you for your wise words 💖

Why is this better than being single?

You sound like a smart woman and it always confuses me how someone allows themselves to be treated like such shit.

I hope you give an update in a couple months time OP because you are going to feel the happiest you’ve ever felt and wonder why you didn’t do this years ago.