Partner said completely vile thing to me Infront of 15 month old daughter & then proclaimed it was only a "joke"

[Sclouise]

My partner came out with a disgusting comment that made me sound like a dog, describing my bits and making me feel humiliated and small & it was Infront of my 15 month old daughter.
I have PTSD from childhood abuse and one of my triggers is this sort of talk! However it would have completely disgusted any normal woman with any self respect. He also came home from work when I had a cold last week after I said I'd been relaxing for a bit due to feeling run down and said "when was the last time her nappy was done" when I asked him why he was being funny he denied he meant anything by it it was just a "simple statement" and called me crazy and paranoid.
He then started showing me articles from the internet that proved how "crazy" I am. On top of all this it's my birthday next week and we have a 2 week holiday booked in April to Turkey that I have entirely paid for and he's started acting like this again. It's like a cycle he's okay for a while then when anything important is coming up he starts saying weird and horrible things or doing things and we end up rowing until I ask him to leave or he leaves.
I'm frightened about where I should start now he's gone and I have so much anxiety about being a single mum.
It would be nice to hear from people that have read my situation from an outside perspective and could tell me I am not overreacting and that he shouldn't have spoken to me like that Infront of our daughter or not. As I've been told I'm over sensitive, paranoid, unstable and being over the top and that it's abuse to keep pestering him about what he said and not dropping it and forgiving him & for getting him to leave.

It's so much confusion and all the you deserve it's & I guess the trauma bond. The highs and lows. I've looked into narcissism as somebody else mentioned. You find yourself googling late at night in tears alot.
I guess he's caused me to question my very own mind so much I just became so brainwashed into staying. 💖

Good for you OP.

The www.freedomprogramme.co.uk will be well worthwhile doing.

Often women will say the verbal and emotional abuse was worse than the physical.

That is why Women's aid is a good number to call.

Abusive men grind women down, confuse them, make them doubt themselves, all with deliberate intent.

He is the disordered one.
He's the freak.
He's the creep.
He's the abuser.

Tune the bastard out and make your plans.

He's nothing to you or your daughter.

Any aggression, ring the police.

Leave, or make him leave. Simple as that. He doesn't respect you, or your past and he's seriously gaslighting you. He's not worth your time and your child will grow up with a warped idea if what is acceptable in a relationship. You're worth more than this and being single will be infinitely better, trust me ❤️

It’s because people who’ve been abused as children don’t have experience of being treated normally.

Thank you for your kind words 🙂
I'm so glad I decided to put this thread up today there are such lovely people on here. It's given me the courage to believe that yes I am being abused no I'm not crazy or imaging it or abusing him for trying to get him to have consequences for his actions like he always says. "guilt tripping" him.
I can believe and trust in my gut instincts that it wasn't a joke and considering his track record. When I write things down in black and white I just can't believe what he's been getting away with for so long! it's just hitting me in the face so much and how much I've been sleepwalking through my life just to appease him.

The b*stard is so long gone.

Thanks you so much 💞🥰

Remember though op, he's not going to be happy you've cottoned on.
Best not point it out to him, just start to disengage and grey rock.

Keep safe and if there's any aggression, call the police.

He is psychologically and emotionally abusing you. That is real abuse. We're not saying it's easy to leave. We're saying that you are strong enough to do this, if not for yourself, then for your daughter. And it will be worth it. It is far better to be single than to be with a bastard who is abusing you. You can do this.

This is definitely partly why I think I've put up with it for so long it's all I've ever known since little.

Definitely will, thank you for your wise words 💞

Yes it's very real time to snap out of this trance I have been in for so long! Thank you 🥰

This. And once you have gone - He will turn up again. With promises. He won’t be able to keep them. And watch out for the flying monkeys! He’ll most likely try to smear you telling everyone you’ve gone crazy too. And he’ll move on to someone else obscenely quickly. Hoping for a reaction of course. Stay strong OP. Grey rock. You and DD deserve so much better.
😘x

I’m so sorry OP. Please try and read the Lundy Bancroft book Why Does He Do That?
I guarantee you will find it very illuminating.
(it’s easiest to download on kindle app - and read discreetly)
good luck

Thanks ❤️ I will definitely watch out he's used these tactics many times including using his family to abuse me, they are his flying monkeys normally. They've treated me appallingly over the years. He's joined dating websites almost straight away after we split up every time, bumble was the last one probably because his sex drive is through the roof. Mines none existent but he constantly pesters me for sex making constant Rude and objectifying comments on the daily.

I need to wake up there is a poor little girl who has been brought into this and I won't tolerate it for her sake anymore.

His family financially abused me, mentally abused me and made me look and feel so humiliated. He will likely email me with promises when I've blocked his number in the past and last time i took him back he told me how he felt suicidal. I was bringing my daughter up by myself for the first few months and I was so exhausted from lack of sleep I think I was brainwashed easily.

Well we are in a good routine now and she sleeps full nights so I'm in a much better place to fight this this time 🙂 I'm determined to stay strong. I will not have my babies life ruined too!

Not remotely sensitive or paranoid. Dreadful behaviour. Consider giving him his marching orders.

If you've managed when he's left previously you're strong enough to do it again.

Good luck OP. You have seen the light!

Suicide threats are another tactic from the abusers book.

Call the police immediately upon receipt of one, ask for a welfare check.

Tell them clearly that he has been abusing you and your child for many years and you have finally left him, hence the threats.

They are well used to scum like him using threats.

They usually don't do it a second time when they experience a surprise welfare call from the police.

Block all his family.
Don't respond/engage with any of them.

Remember, your child witnessing overtly sexual behaviour and language is sexual abuse of a child.

You do not want her to be around that too.
Disgusting sex pest.

This.

I am sure there is loads of good advice from PPS, but the main thing is life will be easier and better for you both when he’s gone.

I will do just that. Thank you. Yes he is always vulgar even with her around! I've shouted at him about how he can't say stuff like Infront of my little girl, he says she doesn't understand. He disguises it as compliments if I get sensitive about it however this time he was so degrading and humiliating Infront of her. I'm so done with it.

Keep a note of the things he has said and done in front of her.

You can self report to SS and tell them of his behaviour snd how inappropriate he is in front of your child.

Tell them the disgusting things he says.

Tell them that his foul behaviour in front of your child is why you left him.

Yes that is a good idea. The seriousness of it all is hitting me so hard today. Thank you for your advice ❤️

Remember if he puts his hands on you sexually when you have made it clear you don't want to be touched, that is sexual assault.

Don't be afraid of using your words.

He touches you continuously...a sex pest.

He touches you without permission despite be told not to...sexual assault.

He pressures you into having sex, rape and coercive sex.

He uses deeply sexualised language infront of your child to humiliate and bully you.....that is sexually abusing your child.

When you self report the above to SS, they hopefully will strongly support you.

Please also go to your GP and tell them the above.

Create a paper trail of his abuse of you and your child.

Make it very clear that his sexual abuse of you both is why you are leaving.

By all means tell them that he tries to gaslight you that all of the above is normal and that you are mad to object.

Spell out EXACTLY what he said that was the final straw.

I would be genuinely afraid of him having any sole custody with his child because of his sexual abuse of you both.

You can do this.

Yes, I will definitely look into these things over the coming weeks.

Thank you! ❤️

Hi @Sclouise

These were such strong words you said:
I will get the help I need. My daughter is the most beautiful precious little soul I have ever met & he will not destroy that. It's me & her from now on. I promised her that I would protect her always. It's time to take care of my own inner child who is screaming at me for help too!

It's like a promise to yourself. A commitment. Something to keep reminding yourself of if you have weak moments.

I'm so happy to read your words. It's like a fog has lifted and you can see reality for the first time.

And if you need any more motivation, imagine these 2 scenarios, both based in 20 years time:

1. You're still with him, or he's finally left, but you're a shadow of who you used to be. You're broken by him. He took your money and your self confidence. Your daughter has witnessed his vile words and actions, and your relationship with her isn't as great as it could be, she just avoids the house so she can avoid him. She wishes you'd left him and protected her from his presence years ago. She starts dating someone. He sometimes insults her and lies to her, he's not that respectful of her, but she thinks that seems normal based on what she saw at home, so she stays with him. She thinks that's what she must deserve because that's what her mum thought.
2. You left him, back in 2023. You realised your worth and you walked away and never let him back. You and your DD live together in a lovely, calm, happy home. You have a lovely relationship - you're really close, a proper little pair doing loads of fun stuff together. You teach your daughter to respect herself and value herself, and never to let a man mistreat her. She knows that's right because she saw how strong you were when you left him. She saw you walk away, and that you were happier after. She saw what it's like to have self respect and to know your worth. She's seen you have a few bf, maybe you have another partner or husband. She saw that you didn't stand for any rubbish from boyfriends, and only settled with one who treats you with love and consideration, as his equal partner in life. She knows that's what she wants for herself when she meets someone, but in the meantime she's very happy being single. She knows she doesn't need a man to be happy. She's so proud of her mum. She's her hero.

Wow, thank you so much for putting it into perspective. I've been struggling the past few days and today I doubted myself, but you really put me back on the right track with your wise and kind words. I'm so grateful for this forum it's really helping me stay strong.

I'm contacting women's aid and SS and the GP this week. Just need to look after my health and try to stay positive.