Partner said completely vile thing to me Infront of 15 month old daughter & then proclaimed it was only a "joke"

[Sclouise]

My partner came out with a disgusting comment that made me sound like a dog, describing my bits and making me feel humiliated and small & it was Infront of my 15 month old daughter.
I have PTSD from childhood abuse and one of my triggers is this sort of talk! However it would have completely disgusted any normal woman with any self respect. He also came home from work when I had a cold last week after I said I'd been relaxing for a bit due to feeling run down and said "when was the last time her nappy was done" when I asked him why he was being funny he denied he meant anything by it it was just a "simple statement" and called me crazy and paranoid.
He then started showing me articles from the internet that proved how "crazy" I am. On top of all this it's my birthday next week and we have a 2 week holiday booked in April to Turkey that I have entirely paid for and he's started acting like this again. It's like a cycle he's okay for a while then when anything important is coming up he starts saying weird and horrible things or doing things and we end up rowing until I ask him to leave or he leaves.
I'm frightened about where I should start now he's gone and I have so much anxiety about being a single mum.
It would be nice to hear from people that have read my situation from an outside perspective and could tell me I am not overreacting and that he shouldn't have spoken to me like that Infront of our daughter or not. As I've been told I'm over sensitive, paranoid, unstable and being over the top and that it's abuse to keep pestering him about what he said and not dropping it and forgiving him & for getting him to leave.

Keep going, you’re doing brilliantly! Well done for keeping him away. It’s going to be scary, but honestly it’s the best feeling in the world having your own safe place for you and your baby. Where you make the rules and what you say, goes. You can do this!

I’m a single mum with two DC. Yes it can be hard work, but I don’t want to be with anyone. I’m happy, I feel safe, my home is peaceful and orderly. My children are happy, loved and secure. I don’t have to worry about treading on eggshells or worry about what he’ll say or do next. Or whether the home will be trashed by him. I juggle a full time job and parenting, and I wouldn’t change any of it.

Everyday, I wake up happy that I don’t have to put up with the shit I used to. There’s no drama and my stress levels are nothing like they used to be. I may not be rich, but we are safe, secure and happy. I’m definitely
more confident now, and I won’t tolerate any crap. Family events are happy ones now that there’s no one that ruins and sabotages them. I can make plans to do lovely things with the kids, and the plans don’t get wrecked. I can see/talk to whoever I like, wear what I like, exercise when I like, read books when I like, eat what I like, watch what I like, go to bed when I like. And no one will give me verbal for it. More tellingly, the kids have both improved their school grades (and youngest has really improved behaviour and is more settled) since I became a single parent.

FWIW, I didn’t drive until my eldest was nearly 3. We lived in a flat that was stair access only. Before driving, I’d either use a sling and back pack, or use a bike and kiddy bike seat or trailer to get us out and about. Or I’d use a lightweight stroller and a large backpack to put our weekly food shop in (this was before online food shopping!). I used walking reins so I could keep DC safe and still hold bags etc.

Just incase you need extra incentive, there is argument that cluster b personalities such as npd and bpd form between the ages of 2 and 4 as a result largely, of environment that time.

So being in a home where your daughter sees you being upset by him, could fuck up her brain chemistry for life. (It will also increase the liklihood of depression in adult life and, make her more likely to date abusers too).

It seems like he has a similar psycho nature too so she could already be predisposed.

The faster you can get out, the better.
The separation itself could be traumatic for her so you need to go ASAP. Get her used to the new environment and lifestyle. Before she's of the age that drama in her life will start to have serious influence on her neurological development.

Or she'll grow up to be another him potentially. And you'll be trapped between a rock and a hard place.

I so hope you’re ok @Sclouise

UPDATE:

Hi guys, so I have to tell you I let myself down big time. I let him back in & for the week he was here he did nothing but go through nasty and nice cycles. Acting egocentric, cold at times & telling me the whole usual. I'm guilt tripping, mental, need to be less opinionated. Think I'm so pure. Bladdy blah blah.

I flipped today because I couldn't take it anymore.

I weakened & let him back because I let the anxiety get the better of me. Feeling like I can't do things alone etc etc. I'm so sick of this cycle and myself.

I just need to put a stop to it. I find it hard to go out to the shops by myself and motivate myself to go out and do stuff alone I guess I've become very dependent on him & this is how I keep going back. I have romanticised the idea of building a life together & our family far too much...

My baby had to witness yet another toxic row.
I hate him so fucking much and I don't want him anywhere near us but I just can't seem to break this dependency thing....

I need to talk to my therapist but he's taken his laptop which I rely on for therapy... Going to have to go to the therapy centre which I struggle to do because of my bouts of agoraphobia.

When I was younger I used to walk everywhere!

What has happened to me!?

Sorry to hear he came back OP.

Did you contact women's aid after your last chats to people on here? Or your GP?

It sounds like you need some additional help to break away from him. And having some third parties involved may help you feel not only more supported but will also make you accountable so you have someone to update. We can help with that to and will be so proud when you break away!

Please read back the most important bit of your previous posts and let this underpin every choice you make from today onwards:

I will get the help I need. My daughter is the most beautiful precious little soul I have ever met & he will not destroy that. It's me & her from now on. I promised her that I would protect her always.

Are you still with him now? Or have you left? Either way, can you call women's aid first thing tomorrow to start to formulate a plan of action to safeguard your daughter from this dynamic?

He probably has told you loads of times that you couldn't cope without him @Sclouise and that's part of why you find things hard.

But it's not true x

The more you do and the longer you do it, the more confident you'll get. Reach out to services- GP/consultant etc and say you're struggling.

Bin him again OP- PP's are right that Women's Aid etc will help.

I've thrown him out again for his disrespectful crap again. I honestly think he's nuts, it's never happened twice in one month I can feel it's definitely coming to an end.

I'm calling women's aid tomorrow, first thing.

OP then maybe try not to see it as a failure (it’s understandable it happened which you being so vulnerable, but a definite confirmation this time that you made the right decision. In a way it can be a bad for a good, now there’s no ‘what if’s’ left, you know for good.

I’m worried about you seeming very isolated. Are you still in contact with help services ?

As for the agoraphobia, I went through a huge period of that when I was 15 and moved back in with my mum after being into care with my grandparents : she’d disappear for days without warning, and leave me alone with younger sibling by 7 years. I don’t know if being younger makes you think less, but I did do the 1h walking round trip for school for him, meals etc. It did take a huge toll on my MH

Went through similar later in life (last year actually, I’m 32 now) : I just did everything I could online : some supermarkets (I can’t remember which now) don’t have a big fee delivery, and you also get discounts each delivery. And I went on Amazon to search for very cheap decorations (or new fun toys for your daughter) to make home a safe haven. Even a cheap brightly colored carpet (careful which fabric with a LO), big colored poster on the wall, artificial flowers, lights (they can all be had for very very cheap and pretty if you spend the time though sorting through the rubbish - Actually if you wish to pm me with any ideas I would be happy to search the items for you). Basically I accepted home would be my safe place for a while. Then, at some point, with help, the rest does get better

Hi thanks for a sweet & lovely post. I have decorated our apartment really lovely I do the same thing you have done.
I bloody hate it here though & would love to just get away, he has ruined the feeling of the place tbh it's got ALOT of bad memories.
I try my hardest with everything to make a lovely home & almost to the point of perfectionism so he will not judge me harshly or belittle me (which is always covertly), I try so so hard to be perfect.

I cook from scratch alot aswell & I've paid for everything my daughter owns. I'd love to get a move away from here. I'm wondering if women's aid could help me?

However in response to above post I am very isolated. I don't have many friends.
I don't go anywhere unless it was with him.
If I need anything he gets it from the shop.
I used to be confident and go out all the time, walking around, to the library, to college, to the shops.
Since living with him I've almost become a recluse. That's why I think it's so hard to break away. I also crave adult human interaction alot & believe it or not he's the only person I have conversations with.
Leaving a person you've become so dependent on is one of the hardest things I've ever tried to do. I've heard leaving an abusive relationship is similar to breaking a heroin addiction and that's exactly what it feels like. It feels like I'm withdrawing & I need a hit or something. That's when I take him back

Don't even think about your 15 month old being part of the picture. This is emotional and verbal abuse to you regardless. Yes you need to leave if you value yourself at all. Secondly you need to leave for your child.

@Sclouise If you do the Freedom Programme https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/ it might help you steer clear of him and other abusers, understand what went on, and get out of the house too. Everyone there will be in the same boat. They don't mind people bringing young DC along.

They quite often have it on Zoom too I think, so you get a bit of a mingle but without even having to leave the house.

Thanks guys. I'm also battling not drinking alcohol. To cope with the pain. I drank last night I often go months without it especially since my baby was born. I'm hungover as we speak feeling weak vulnerable and lost. I'm about to chat with women's aid. The way he has broken me my sister said I'm lucky I'm not insane. With all the childhood abuse I suffered too.

In her words "A lesser wam would be insane by now."

Woman

Let us know how your cLl with women's aid goes - hopefully you're in the queue to speak to them now

I should have covered my email address but no idea how to...

I’ve reported your post to MNHQ, I can see your email address on those pictures, I’ve asked them to edit.
take care and I hope you can access some support soon.

Hi Op I have reported your post so Mumsnet can remove the images for you.

stay strong against the asshole xx

Thank you I couldn't see how to draw over it on my phone.. no idea why you can't delete it yourself

Ahh it's been removed, I emailed instead because I'm not up to phone calls today

Hello @Sclouise we have hidden that post with your email address. Please let us know if you would like us to delete it so you can post again having hidden the email address. Simply use the report feature on any post to let us know.
Best wishes,
MNHQ

Thank you 😊

Thank you xx

I find it hard to go out to the shops by myself and motivate myself to go out and do stuff alone
Are you receiving any help for your anxiety? Medication?

The thing with it is, the more you isolate yourself the worse it gets. I sympathise as I have been there, I hated leaving the house. I panicked about talking to people, I couldn’t even face going to the shop to get milk. By forcing yourself to leave the house, even for 15 minutes it will help. You’ll also soon have a mobile toddler who will NEED to be ran around the park like a dog 😂

Now I hate the days we don’t have classes or leave the house and can feel my anxiety creep in after a few days of avoiding the things.

Please don’t let him back ok. Please don’t be another woman ground down by shitty men. Model this for your daughter so she doesn’t take this kind of crap from men when she is older.