Partner said completely vile thing to me Infront of 15 month old daughter & then proclaimed it was only a "joke"

[Sclouise]

My partner came out with a disgusting comment that made me sound like a dog, describing my bits and making me feel humiliated and small & it was Infront of my 15 month old daughter.
I have PTSD from childhood abuse and one of my triggers is this sort of talk! However it would have completely disgusted any normal woman with any self respect. He also came home from work when I had a cold last week after I said I'd been relaxing for a bit due to feeling run down and said "when was the last time her nappy was done" when I asked him why he was being funny he denied he meant anything by it it was just a "simple statement" and called me crazy and paranoid.
He then started showing me articles from the internet that proved how "crazy" I am. On top of all this it's my birthday next week and we have a 2 week holiday booked in April to Turkey that I have entirely paid for and he's started acting like this again. It's like a cycle he's okay for a while then when anything important is coming up he starts saying weird and horrible things or doing things and we end up rowing until I ask him to leave or he leaves.
I'm frightened about where I should start now he's gone and I have so much anxiety about being a single mum.
It would be nice to hear from people that have read my situation from an outside perspective and could tell me I am not overreacting and that he shouldn't have spoken to me like that Infront of our daughter or not. As I've been told I'm over sensitive, paranoid, unstable and being over the top and that it's abuse to keep pestering him about what he said and not dropping it and forgiving him & for getting him to leave.

Thank you 🥰 I will give this a read.

You can do this @Sclouise and you will. Your love for your daughter is stronger than any hold that man can have on you.

Hi guys so I'm staying strong & staying away. I'm sticking to my guns and I'm not letting him back in. However, I'm just so worried about coping alone now I don't have the extra hands. I don't drive so I can't get anywhere easily. I live on the top floor in flats and there's no lift so I have to cart the push chair up and down alone.

I don't really have any friends or family to help. It's like I'm going to be stuck in the flat alot because of all of this. I struggle to get out and make friends too because of my anxiety & I'm being treated for PTSD atm so that's the reason why I struggle so much.

Just wondering how I'm going to cope & it's making me feel weak, as though I NEED him back to help practically. I'm just so annoyed because I just want to be strong and do this alone. However, feel like I'm caving in....

Any advice would be welcomed right now guys??

Its ok OP. Breathe. You’re doing amazingly.

It’s ok to feel weak and to feel scared about how you’re going to manage - those things are scary.

It’s not a sign that you can’t cope or that you need him back. It’s a totally normal response to being in a really challenging situation (and you’ll probably feel this way very many more times before your daughter grows up).

BUT - you are doing an amazing thing for yourself and your daughter. You’re trying to make a positive change for your well-being, you’re protecting her from growing up with a pattern of abuse, you’re trying to break the cycle, you’re reaching out for help and you ARE going to get through this.

Try to break down the practical problems into small chunks and just make a plan for the most important one or two.

If the stairs are a big worry… Do you have a lightweight buggy? If not check out baby banks and charity shops or ask on Nextdoor (if you have a community using this in your area) you'd be amazed how many people have things lying around they aren’t using any more. In a few months your little one will be able to walk up and down with you easily - this difficulty won’t last long! Get a pair of good old fashioned reins so you can keep her safe when you’re messing about with shopping bags/doors/buggies etc (and to stop her falling downstairs when you don’t have both hands free!) They are truly a lifesaver.

if you’re worried about meeting people maybe just set a target that you’ll go for a trip to the park or a local stay and play/library once a week? You can build from that when you feel able. Check out baby bounce or rhyme time at the library if there’s one nearby. When you go to things like this you get some human contact but it isn’t usually intrusive and you can take things at your own pace. Try a few things over a few weeks.

Be kind to yourself and your daughter. You don’t have to have this all figured out right now - take your time. Some duvet days are fine!

it will be hard by yourself… but nowhere near as hard as doing it while being dragged down by an abusive man and beating yourself up for putting up with him into the bargains

You are everything to your daughter, you’ve been incredibly brave and you CAN do it. 💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐

(sorry - so long)

Well done for your strength so far OP.
Just remember that you are doing this for your daughter. To make sure she never hears his disgusting comments again.
Time will pass and you won’t need the buggy!
Unsure if you rent or own your flat but either way can you think about a move?
Can you start driving lessons?
Is there a local community group you could join to start building up a small network of people to support you? We have a couple of local Facebook groups here help us make local friends.
Maybe keep a daily diary of the new things you have done, achievements however small etc.
Also, if he hasn’t been grovelling and apologising profusely since he made that comment then he doesn’t care anyway, and even more reason to keep strong.
xx

I don't really have much advice but well done for prioritising your well-being.

First off, you don't need to make any decisions about being a single parent yet. You can just live apart for now and decide how to proceed.

It seems hard now, especially without family. Luckily you only have one child. She'll grow up and things get easier.

If meeting new people is too daunting, just go to places with your dd, to the park or a museum, swimming. Baby things can be good because if you're nervous speaking to new people or imitating a conversation, you can start by interacting with one of the other babies and it breaks the ice

@samqueens Beautifully put.

Is a sling something you could use for your daughter instead of a buggie? I know you can get slings that go right up to toddler age. Also it might be worth speaking to your health visitor about feeling secluded socially and the difficulties of getting out. I suffered great anxiety and after chatting with my health visitor it turned out there was a charity organisation who ran a buddy service where someone came to your home, helped you get baby ready and went out to places with you, such as the park, baby groups, walks, shopping etc.

And as @samqueens said, your daughter will get past the baby stage before you know it. I have personally always found it to be the hardest and most lonliest stage and that was even with me having family around. But it doesn't last long. Soon she will be in nursery. Here you will meet other mums, play dates as well as free up time for yourself where you could take driving lessons if you wanted. When I got that free time I went back to college which was right for me.

You have all of these amazing opportunities soon to be opening up for you. If you take him back I honestly don't think he would allow you to reach out for things for yourself and to make your life enjoyable. People like him need to keep you down and feel like you can't do anything for yourself. It's all control, to make you feel like you need and can't survive without them. But you can. And you are

Read back through this thread. You would be extremely foolish to take him back and doing your dd a disservice.

Stop telling yourself the reasons why it's hard on your own and start thinking about why it's great to have him out of your life. You can do as you please without him to bully and belittle you. You won't have to suffer the constant anxiety of having him around and whether he is going to snap and smash something or make a disgusting comment to you.

You don't have to have him around you ever again if you can only stay strong now and get through the worst part. You will look back and thank yourself for staying strong and so will your daughter.

This brought tears to my eyes, you have no idea how encouraging your words are & how much I needed them today. It's just what I needed to hear. I used to store the buggy in his car so we could grab it out the boot or he'd help me bring it up and down when needed. We'd be able to use his car for stuff like shopping/trips so it was alot of help, I'm really considering lessons this year though. You are right lightweight buggy would be massive help right now I shall look around. I do have a sling which I find impossible to put on on my own so need to practice. Can't wait untill she can clim stairs bless her! Will be a life changer!
I am going to look into going back to a baby group, I did this once or twice when she was very small, hopefully then I can get out and start chatting with other mums! You are right it would be so much harder to go back there again! More hard than this is! Can not wait until I start to feel the liberation and not feel so scared!
Plenty of duvet days where I can are in order!

Thanks again🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰💐💐💐💐💐

You are right and straight to the point! I HAVE to keep reminding myself of why it is better not harder.

Thank you for your wise words!🥰🥰🥰

I have to keep looking at the opportunities instead of the hard parts! I am going to try to go back to baby groups more often and also can't wait for spring to get out in the park again for a picnic.
I have a sling I should fish it out, need to learn how to put it on myself without anyone helping as the straps buckle at the back. I'm sure I can figure it out.

At the end of the day I need to remember that I am protecting my little girl from a home full of abuse and that is far more important than struggling with the practicals!

Thank you so much for your kind and wise words 🥰🥰🥰💐

You’re being abusive to him for calling out his behaviour? Ridiculous.
Dont fear being a single mum - I’m one and it’s so much easier just relying on yourself and not having anyone to argue with.
think about what sort of example you’re setting your daughter by staying with such a man.
Be strong and leave him. I don’t think you’d regret it.
best wishes x

Thank you for your kind and wise words 🥰, I will look into the Facebook group thing and there is a baby group near me, I think she'd love it. Just need to stay focused and push myself to get out more.
I'm going to fish the sling out and try to use that to get up and down the stairs. I'm definitely thinking if moving there are lots of bad memories here, this was my dream home when I moved in but he made it hell.
I think I'm going to start journalling you know, it may be helpful!
Thanks again! 🥰💐💐

Yes this is what he's said, and continues to say. That Im an abusive guilt tripper who just cannot let anything slide. That how do I expect to be happy with anybody if I continue to take myself so seriously and demand so much respect! He says everybody makes mistakes and that I will never find anybody whose perfect so I will be alone forever.
He gave me some psycho babble about setting myself free. That if I chose to I could just let it drop and things would be a whole lot easier for me. But I just like to make my life hard.
That I am paranoid and crazy.

I think he may be nuts? Or as others mentioned conditioning me to except abuse.

Thank you for your wise words, I am determined to stay away. 🥰

15 months... does she stand well? Maybe try a push along trike or a scooter - like a scuttlebug I think they were called where she sits astride it initially but it adapts as she goes... easier to drag around than a buggy...

Keep looking forward OP - you're doing great!

Ahh yeah, sounds like a plan, thank you, she stands brilliantly and walks amazing! That would be perfect for summer tbh & thank you 🥰☺️

Accept*

I’m so glad to hear it. We all need a bit of support to get through life!

Backpacks are your friend! I used to have one of these too

www.ebay.co.uk/itm/334791714954?mkcid=16&mkevt=1&mkrid=711-127632-2357-0&ssspo=d56B2XZ7SIe&sssrc=2349624&ssuid=pf0yLuOqQZa&var=&widget_ver=artemis&media=COPY

I clipped it to my backpack and then I could carry what I needed and keep my hands free.

Just take one step at a time (and if one turns out to be a misstep just try a different route next time).

We got you. Don’t give up!

Ah yes fab! Thank you so so much 🥰🥰

Such wonderful advice being given to you.

You are building a wonderful future for your child by her being with you in a calm loving environment.

This is her life's foundation.

Be peaceful calm, simple with her.

You being well healthy in your own safe space with her is the greatest gift.

Your well-being and wellness is the greatest gift to her.

Everything else is superfluous.

You are doing so well.

Thank you so much 🥰 I really have been given some amazing advice on here you are wonderful people.

Yes, I'm trying so hard, I'm always loving and try to be as peaceful as I can. That is why he is gone because he is not disrupting the peace I am working so hard to create. My home will not be full of toxicity like my own was.

I can't wait for our future to unfold. I just need to remember everything that's been said tonight any time I feel weak. I need to stay strong and commited to my goal of peace, harmony and happiness.

Thank again 💕

You will.

Remember.

She has no memory at her age really of specific experiences.

So all she remembers is the feelinfs.

You being with her in a safe calm loving environment is absolutely the greatest gift.

A simple walk is wonderful.
Sitting beside her as she pkays with her toys.
Drawing beside her.
Sitting beside her as she watches a favourite show in your lap, are all the most wonderful priceless experiences for a child.

You can provide all these experiences for her.
Well done.

I'm just full of so much anxiety and self doubt/ self belief.

It's likely these feelings will lessen and become much more manageable once you're in a safe, calm environment. He seems to be the root cause of much of your anxiety at the moment.

Just keep your wits about you in case he tries to ramp up the abuse when he senses you're becoming more independent. It's not unheard of for things like this to escalate when the abuser feels that they're losing control of you. I've heard Women's Aid can advise on keeping you and your daughter safe.

I wish you both all the luck in the world.

@Sclouise I'm so happy that you've managed to stick to your guns and stay away from him. It is, without doubt, the right thing to do, and one of the most important decisions of your life - and your daughter's life.

It's easy to feel overwhelmed when you've made such a big decision, and are dealing with big changes. For me, it helped to write all my concerns down, in a table. Huge things and smaller niggles. Get them all down. There's some relief just in getting it all on paper.

Then come up with a plan, by biting off one thing at a time. Some things you can solve easily, or at least set something in motion (make an appointment with GP or solicitor or bank / join a baby group), others you can give yourself a target for (I'll start driving lessons no later than Christmas). Give yourself smaller targets on things, so you don't face a wall of big issues to be resolved.

That way, you won't be overwhelmed and you'll tick off smaller wins and see you're getting somewhere, which helps build your confidence.

You can do it, without a doubt. No question. Your life will be 10000 times better without him in it. You're brilliant.

You are amazing OP, don't doubt yourself because you're far stronger than you realise, you can do this