Partner said completely vile thing to me Infront of 15 month old daughter & then proclaimed it was only a "joke"

[Sclouise]

My partner came out with a disgusting comment that made me sound like a dog, describing my bits and making me feel humiliated and small & it was Infront of my 15 month old daughter.
I have PTSD from childhood abuse and one of my triggers is this sort of talk! However it would have completely disgusted any normal woman with any self respect. He also came home from work when I had a cold last week after I said I'd been relaxing for a bit due to feeling run down and said "when was the last time her nappy was done" when I asked him why he was being funny he denied he meant anything by it it was just a "simple statement" and called me crazy and paranoid.
He then started showing me articles from the internet that proved how "crazy" I am. On top of all this it's my birthday next week and we have a 2 week holiday booked in April to Turkey that I have entirely paid for and he's started acting like this again. It's like a cycle he's okay for a while then when anything important is coming up he starts saying weird and horrible things or doing things and we end up rowing until I ask him to leave or he leaves.
I'm frightened about where I should start now he's gone and I have so much anxiety about being a single mum.
It would be nice to hear from people that have read my situation from an outside perspective and could tell me I am not overreacting and that he shouldn't have spoken to me like that Infront of our daughter or not. As I've been told I'm over sensitive, paranoid, unstable and being over the top and that it's abuse to keep pestering him about what he said and not dropping it and forgiving him & for getting him to leave.

Yes you are right thank you for your wise words 🙂 I have emailed women's aid, just waiting for them to get back to me atm. This time I am determined to stay strong

& no I don't want to take medication...
I've been forwarded to Eden lincs by women's aid so hopefully they can help 🙏❤️

Medication works OP. If you haven't got on with one or two then there are many others that a doctor/consultant can try.

If you don't try everything to help yourself then you can't really moan about how you're feeling as it's a choice not to try every sort of help.

OP, you are stronger than you realise. Every day you get up knowing he is going to throw shit your way yet you get on with it. Face this head on, allow yourself to feel how you feel. You are dependant on him so what tiny steps can you take tomorrow to gain a tiny bit of independence? I cannot stress to you how much growing up in this environment will damage your daughter. The cycle will repeat itself over and over. Think of her future when you wobble. Though I know its not that simple, it will be hard but it isnt just about you anymore. You can do this. Good luck.

I recommend the book ‘the body keeps the score’. It explains the effects of trauma. It is enlightening.

Go easy on yourself. Write 3 things you are grateful for every single day. They can be tiny things. My morning coffee, the conversation I had with the librarian, the picture my daughter drew. Read the journal each day.

Write down the things that haunt you and upset you and destroy it afterwards. I find that helpful.

All the best op. There lots of lonely people out there you only need to find a likeminded person and you can build on that friendship. Give it a go. Brene Brown has YouTube videos on shame which I have found very helpful. The more you understand yourself and the reason you do the things you do the easier you will find it to change you natural responses. Once again all the best.

Imagine for a moment being a single mum.

You in your own home, just you and your DD. calmness ( as much as possible with a toddler). But life on your terms, things done on your terms. I know it’s not always easy working and being a single mum. I had many a day at work where i had been up all the night before. But when home my home was my own and it was just me and my baby and life was how I wanted it to be.

leave this awful man. You deserve better and so does your daughter.

Today I'm very proud of myself. My house is cleaned, I've packed away all my shopping for 2 weeks. Healthy meals planned for us both. My rent is paid. I've contacted my friend & we are going away in 10 days on the holiday I paid for him & us originally. I'm eating healthy & drinking plenty of water. I've contacted Eden lincs which is a charity where I live that women's aid put me in touch with.

He took the laptop which I usually use for my zoom EMDR therapy for PTSD but I've found an app I can download for my phone so I will continue with that Saturday morning & I'm actually going to open up to her about the abuse now instead of protecting him.

I can't wait until my daughter & I can do more stuff together when she is talking & she can lay in bed and watch movies & go to the cinema etc. I'm going to try to get out and push myself to do picnics/park & zoo this summer with her alone. Does any body have any other suggestions?

I'm really looking forward to being able to progress with my education to masters degree without worrying if things will be sabotaged by him. I've been thinking about the fact I'll never have another Xmas, birthday, holiday or special occasion ruined ever again. I'm thinking of all the lovely peace & fun we can have together. I'm looking forward to healing.

I'm hoping Eden charity will be able to give me some advice/courses support in staying strong & positive.

Thank you for your lovely responses.

In regard to medication, I'm an all botanical & natural type person I was on antidepressants for 2 years & they turned me into a zombie. I was also on propanol but it gave me restless leg & more nightmares.

I currently take a herb called ashwaghandha which is good for helping your body with stress, depression & anxiety. I really do notice the difference taking it. I love yoga & exercise but whenever I start getting into it & start feeling & looking good you can guarantee that he will ramp up the abuse so I don't have the energy to do it.

I'm so looking forward to getting into yoga properly & not having my health sabotaged all the time. Being put into survival mode. It will be lovely for my daughter to learn yoga from me too as a way to cope with her anxiety etc. When she is old enough.

What a fantastic update. You are a warrior. Erm, things to do with your little one... look for free museums/events in big cities and get on a Mega Bus! Lots of snacks and stuff to occupy her while travelling. Daytrips to the seaside. YHA youth hostels are a really cheap way to stay overnight somewhere, you can book a private room, they are really popular with families. Have fun!

Thank you so much for the ideas, just going to try and push myself as much as possible. It was an old school friend who I haven't spoken to in 14 years who I am going away with so that is lucky as I literally would have had no one to go with & I struggle to get out alone after becoming so dependent on him so going alone would not have been possible.

However, I will push & push as much as I can to get out this summer to enjoy things with my daughter & build a solid peaceful new start.

Cannot wait to my our flat feel like a home again 😊

*make

Well done OP, you should be very proud of yourself.

Every good wish to you.

Start small, all those are just ideas and perhaps something to aim for when she is a little older. I had forgotten about your difficulty getting out in my excitement! Picnics in the park, feeding the ducks is more than enough to keep her occupied. Even just a local walk to tire her out. I even used to take mine to my local Pets at Home to look at all the aquariums and small animals 😬 they loved it. The things we do lol.

Sounds lovely 🥰🥰 I will keep at it...
Perhaps looking into those things in the coming years for sure 😊😊
Thank you for spending the time to write to me it means alot, as I've said before there are some wonderful people on here, so thank you to yourself & everyone else, you've all been amazing at giving advice & wise words have helped with introspection. 💕

Thank you so much 🙏💕

Why are you paying for the holiday?

It's already been paid for in installments. My friend from school paid to transfer her name from his with jet 2/love holidays. So now I am just going to go with her & my daughter.
I said I wasn't going to bother but luckily I have someone to go for & really don't want to lose all of that money. Plus it would be good for us 😊

It was already paid for by me.

So pleased to read your updates and the holiday will be a fabulous break for you both - enjoy it, and the thoughts of your new future.

Yes, and apologies, I’ve only read half of the thread. Well done for you and well done for admitting you’ve got it wrong and putting it right.😍

social services have an early help team - they maybe able to link you into some local services. You are vulnerable trough no fault of your home.
Also look at Adult children of Alcoholics AND dysfunctional families. You clearly come from a dysfunctional family. Please look it up. It’s helped me enormously. I feel for you. You need support. Home start maybe an option - they offer support to people with young children. Look them up.
Also gingerbread? Good luck - your partner is an abusive shit. It’s understandable you have him back - you’re used to toxic relationships.
Good luck and keep posting.

Thank you 😊🙏

Yes will look at home start/gingerbread, feeling positive today... I'm staying strong.
Yes my dad was an abusive alcoholic & my mum an abusive narcissist.
It for the best that I keep her away from him ❤️

You will smash it OP and if your resolve weakens (which it won't!!) you come back here so we can all lecture you again 😁