Page 13 | Devastated - found pic of DH at strip club

Quandary45 · 2023-03-08T09:37:04+00:00

What would you do? I knew that my husband had visited a strip club and had a lap dance during his stag do. I found out via the Best Man's speech so not brilliant, but got over it even though I hate them in general. This morning I've found a picture/postcard from the club with my husband, topless and trousers down with two naked women all over him. I feel disgusted and sick to my stomach. Am trying to hold it together as at home alone with our 8 week old DD. I have no idea why he would keep such a thing. I found it in drawers we both use so he's been stupid enough not to hide it very well. Am devastated.

TicketBoo23 · 08/03/2023 14:12

Rewis · 08/03/2023 14:06

So the strip club thing was him topless in stage and his jean buttons undone and few women dancing up on stage in front of people? Not a private dance? His trousers were not actually down that there were no dancers in direct contact with his bare erected penis? Everyone has different boundaries but I do think there is a difference between naked procate lap dance vs clothed lapdance in front of audience.

We know there was a photo of that.

We don't know anything about anything else.

Don't be naive now.

Whatever happened he was lying about it to op, until his wanker best man dropped him in it - at ops wedding reception - just go make it an extra special day.

aSofaNearYou · 08/03/2023 14:14

BoredOfThisMansWorld · 08/03/2023 14:00

God there's so many bullshit assumptions here.

I personally have no investment in what OP does. If she's ok with what her husband did, that's fine. I also know that when loved ones hurt us it can take a long time to process our decisions.

I do have an investment towards encouraging women in general - both OP and any women reading - to learn to listen to their own feelings and assert their own boundaries with men. This is because I believe that the female socialisation to ignore discomfort and prioritise the needs of others is regressive and damaging.

This 👏🏻

mydogisthebest · 08/03/2023 14:17

Hellybelly84 · 08/03/2023 13:19

Agree! I would love to know if the ones over-reacting actually know if their partners have been to a strip club on a stag do or not? Wake up call-most men have! And plenty of women have too - i’d say most of my friends have experienced some kind of strip club/shows in their life, whether its on a Hen Do, in Thailand, Amsterdam etc.

I’d like to know from the OP - if her friend had a stripper at a Hen Do, what would she do if everyone was taking silly (but totally innocent) photos with the stripper after one too many drinks?

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I know for certain my DH has never been to a strip club. He has been to stag does but none of them went to a strip club as he doesn't have sleazy friends.

I only know 2 women who have been to see male strippers and I have a pretty low opinion of them. Just why would you want to? So tacky it is untrue.

Idontgiveashitanymore · 08/03/2023 14:23

It was his stag night . Ask him what you need to ask him then make your choice .

Sassyfox · 08/03/2023 14:25

I know for certain my DH has never been to a strip club. He has been to stag does but none of them went to a strip club as he doesn't have sleazy friends.

I only know 2 women who have been to see male strippers and I have a pretty low opinion of them. Just why would you want to? So tacky it is untrue.

Which is fine because that’s yours and your DH’s boundaries and your relationship.

Other people have different boundaries and I’m sure there are plenty of other things that you and DH find acceptable but others would end their marriage over.

Hellybelly84 · 08/03/2023 14:26

mydogisthebest · 08/03/2023 14:17

I know for certain my DH has never been to a strip club. He has been to stag does but none of them went to a strip club as he doesn't have sleazy friends.

I only know 2 women who have been to see male strippers and I have a pretty low opinion of them. Just why would you want to? So tacky it is untrue.

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All of my friends are intelligent, professional, strong women - you must have a very sheltered life if you only know 2 people who have been to a strip club in their life. Many friends travelled in their late teens/early 20’s and its perfectly normal at that age to go to a strip club in somewhere like Thailand. Im one of the few in my group who hasn’t been to the red light district in Amsterdam.

Ask in your office/workplace who has been to a strip club as maybe you have a very sheltered group of friends? Ofcourse its naff, tacky and cheesy but I wouldn’t walk out of a friends Hen Do because of it. I’d have a few drinks and probably take a few silly photos with the male stripper with my friends. Thats probably the case here and people are calling for instant divorce! 😂

Starpop · 08/03/2023 14:28

Quandary45 · 08/03/2023 12:52

Can I not be upset and still love someone?

A serious discussion will be had later - unfortunately I minimised how I felt about the speech at the time and that's on me.

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Yes you can, your feelings are valid, you spoke to him, he didn't get defensive or minimise your feelings. Which would have prolonged the hurt.

on an internet forum things can be very black and white e.g. they've done that, deal breaker, leave them. But real life isn't black and white.

being in a relationship is hard and there are lots of things that can happen within that relationship that we aren't happy about.

this is YOUR marriage you have posted to get support and advice, unfortunately these kind of threads often get derailed. I'd step away from it now if I were you.

have a good chat with hubby tonight, know you are allowed to feel how you do and be kind to yourself.

BoredOfThisMansWorld · 08/03/2023 14:28

How, in 2023, are we still thinking one can compare male strippers and female strippers.

I get that feminism is really unfashionable right now, but surely it's really obvious that men AS A CLASS simply aren't subject to the same objectification as women? That "sex work" is primarily carried out by women and their free choice is questionable? That women leaving a male strip show aroused don't pose a risk to men? That women don't sexually abuse men at the rate men abuse women? That even if a woman did get her kicks from paying for a man, this is different to men paying for women because men already have power over women in all aspects of society?

ChangedmynameagainforChristmas · 08/03/2023 14:28

I am certainly no troll. A genuine poster who happens to feel strongly about women enslaved by gangs abroad and made to have sex with hapless stags from the UK.
No decent man would want that for his daughter would he?
Stop the stags - stop the traffickers. Easy.
Whatever happened to the stags we used to know where they would go out and get drunk and the stag would find himself tied to a lamp post minus his trousers?
No girls harmed there, only a few egos

mydogisthebest · 08/03/2023 14:32

Hellybelly84 · 08/03/2023 14:01

Yes they are - my Husband is the most down to earth, kind, amazing Husband and an absolute role model to our children, but yes he has been to a strip club on stag do’s. I didnt sweat it for a second (in fact I laughed). All of his friends have too. Have you been on your Husband’s stag do’s with him? 🤔 Do you know he has never been to a strip club?

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Yes I do know, for sure, that my husband has not been to a strip club. I don't know any men that have been to one even on a stag do. Not all men are sleazy

Trader22 · 08/03/2023 14:32

For reference, I went to a 21st birthday party - where the lads mates had organised a stripper.

She came in and he was left in a similar situation, trousers down by his ankles, on a chair, no top on, whipped cream on him, her straddling him etc

And....all his family and family friends were there. Like, his Mum and Dad and Gran were in the hall!! It was at a cricket club! In the middle of the day.

It definitely wasn't kinky - just more stupid really. His Mum and Dad had no idea - but it was all meant in jest, so they just laughed along with partially shocked faces.

And I'm sure lots of pics exist of the whole thing. This lad was going along and taking it in good spirits but there was nothing sexual about it.

Personally - I'd just get over it. Chances are there was a room of people. All of them bent over laughing. Your DH 50% mortified 50% laughing. He went along with it, his mates ribbed him and then he had a pint and forgot about the whole thing. He isn't the first and most certainly won't be the last stag put in that position.

Closetbeanmuncher · 08/03/2023 14:34

I would be pissed off about the disrespect and public humiliation of the speech over anything else.

Did you let him know at the time that it’s deal breaker territory for you?

If you did I would have expected him to have the brains to ditch the photo tbh.

Truckinghell · 08/03/2023 14:39

LovingACountryBoy · 08/03/2023 13:24

Men that are ok to objectify women do not respect women, even if they ‘only’ do this shit on a stag do. And his friends are like this, the fact one thought that was ok to say in the best man speech. A group of misogynistic men.

I have a feeling you’re going to let it go. Your choice. Good luck, you will need it. I feel for you, and your poor daughter having that as a father.

Come on.

aSofaNearYou · 08/03/2023 14:40

And I'm sure lots of pics exist of the whole thing. This lad was going along and taking it in good spirits but there was nothing sexual about it.

A bit of a sidebar but I often wonder - if there is genuinely nothing sexual about it, then why is it deemed fun? What's funny about it?

Surely even if you believe that the person isn't getting off on it, the point is that they are in a situation that IS sexual, and the fact that that's happening in front of friends and family, and in the case of stag do's, "for the last time", is deemed amusing? What's funny about it without the sexual element?

AelinAshriver · 08/03/2023 14:41

Did the best woman also go to the strip club?

letthemalldoone · 08/03/2023 14:42

Well I have never been present, but a wild guess is that it's done to embarrass the person and give the mates a laugh at their expense, not anything sexual?

mydogisthebest · 08/03/2023 14:45

Hellybelly84 · 08/03/2023 14:26

All of my friends are intelligent, professional, strong women - you must have a very sheltered life if you only know 2 people who have been to a strip club in their life. Many friends travelled in their late teens/early 20’s and its perfectly normal at that age to go to a strip club in somewhere like Thailand. Im one of the few in my group who hasn’t been to the red light district in Amsterdam.

Ask in your office/workplace who has been to a strip club as maybe you have a very sheltered group of friends? Ofcourse its naff, tacky and cheesy but I wouldn’t walk out of a friends Hen Do because of it. I’d have a few drinks and probably take a few silly photos with the male stripper with my friends. Thats probably the case here and people are calling for instant divorce! 😂

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I expect some of the women I have worked with over the years have been to a strip club but none of my friends or family have. MIL went to see male strippers and tried to get me to go but no way was I going.

I have been to the red light district in Amsterdam and found it very depressing.

I think maybe my friends and family have high morals

aSofaNearYou · 08/03/2023 14:46

letthemalldoone · 08/03/2023 14:42

Well I have never been present, but a wild guess is that it's done to embarrass the person and give the mates a laugh at their expense, not anything sexual?

If it wasn't sexual, why would it be embarrassing?

mydogisthebest · 08/03/2023 14:47

"Too lazy to put the photo in the bin" but could open a drawer and put it in there!! Yeah right

letthemalldoone · 08/03/2023 14:48

aSofaNearYou · 08/03/2023 14:46

If it wasn't sexual, why would it be embarrassing?

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Would you not be mortified to have scantily clad men crawling over you and your mates laughing? (personally I would be out the door but then again none of my friends or family would do that to me).

@mydogisthebest be careful up there with your high morals - it's a long way to crash down....

Livinginanotherworld · 08/03/2023 14:49

I’d have walked out of my own wedding reception if the best man had told me and all our guests that ! Horrifying.

Justalittlebitduckling · 08/03/2023 14:49

Gross. I’d be having a serious conversation about what kind of values he wants to pass on to your DD.

aSofaNearYou · 08/03/2023 14:52

Would you not be mortified to have scantily clad men crawling over you and your mates laughing? (personally I would be out the door but then again none of my friends or family would do that to me).

Yes, but BECAUSE this is a sexual thing to do and we normally do sexual things in private. Seriously, think about it. If you're going to argue that there's nothing sexual about a lap dance, then the entire argument for why that would be funny to your friends falls apart. It's just someone dancing near you.

The reason your mates are laughing is because they have put you in a sexual situation in public. Yes, you might not be aroused by it. But that doesn't mean a sexual thing isn't happening.

Shade17 · 08/03/2023 14:53

mydogisthebest · 08/03/2023 14:32

Yes I do know, for sure, that my husband has not been to a strip club. I don't know any men that have been to one even on a stag do. Not all men are sleazy

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I don’t know many men that have never been to a strip club, even just for a drink while the more “enthusiastic” members of the group get up to whatever. I will say for certain that not every man who goes into a strip club as part of a group pays for private dances.

Hellybelly84 · 08/03/2023 14:55

mydogisthebest · 08/03/2023 14:32

Yes I do know, for sure, that my husband has not been to a strip club. I don't know any men that have been to one even on a stag do. Not all men are sleazy

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I know for certain mine has because he told me (hes as far from sleazy as you can get) and im looking forward to visiting the red light district at some point too. My friend took her Mum in her 70’s last year 😀 And millions of tourists visit every year.