Page 15 | Devastated - found pic of DH at strip club

Quandary45 · 2023-03-08T09:37:04+00:00

What would you do? I knew that my husband had visited a strip club and had a lap dance during his stag do. I found out via the Best Man's speech so not brilliant, but got over it even though I hate them in general. This morning I've found a picture/postcard from the club with my husband, topless and trousers down with two naked women all over him. I feel disgusted and sick to my stomach. Am trying to hold it together as at home alone with our 8 week old DD. I have no idea why he would keep such a thing. I found it in drawers we both use so he's been stupid enough not to hide it very well. Am devastated.

TicketBoo23 · 08/03/2023 16:21

Squiblet · 08/03/2023 16:18

Ticketboo23: I find women being forced to tolerate stuff like this in a relationship sad, but ...

WE KNOW

Thanks sweetheart.

SirWalterElliot · 08/03/2023 16:33

I think that strip clubs/lap dances on stag dos are pretty common/normalised. To the point where (if nothing had been explicitly said by their partner prior to the stag do) I think it's understandable than most men wouldn't see it as problematic/cheating/divorce-causing. So if you didn't explicitly tell your husband how you felt about this before his stag then I think you may need to forgive this one. But definitely talk to him about all this, and clarify your boundaries for the future.

bellswithwhistles · 08/03/2023 16:38

WilsonMilson · 08/03/2023 10:09

Honestly, get a grip. It was his stag do. I’m not condoning it, but this happens to loads of men - my ex, who was a quiet and respectable chap, was taken to a strip club by his friends and had his arse cheeks waxed by a stripper - a bit weird but all good fun apparently.
Not ideal, but it wasn’t like he made a habit of it, and he immediately and embarrassedly told me. Was the only time he was ever in a strip club.

I think you need to judge this in the context of your relationship over all. Is this a habit for him? Any other red flags? If not, just put this down to stag night shenanigans and get over it. I think you’re really over reacting.

Thank christ there is one sensible person on this thread.

Americano75 · 08/03/2023 16:40

Reading your update, I'd be inclined to talk it over then let it go, what he's said sounds reasonable.

That so called best man, on the other hand, is a vile little bastard.

mydogisthebest · 08/03/2023 16:41

SirWalterElliot · 08/03/2023 16:33

I think that strip clubs/lap dances on stag dos are pretty common/normalised. To the point where (if nothing had been explicitly said by their partner prior to the stag do) I think it's understandable than most men wouldn't see it as problematic/cheating/divorce-causing. So if you didn't explicitly tell your husband how you felt about this before his stag then I think you may need to forgive this one. But definitely talk to him about all this, and clarify your boundaries for the future.

Since when did it supposedly become common/normalised to go to a strip club on a stag do?

Me and DH are in our 60's. It certainly was not normal. Our nephews and their friends are late 20's/early 30's and it's not normal for them either.

I honestly do not know any man who went to a strip club for their stag night

Sassyfox · 08/03/2023 16:45

How, in 2023, are we still thinking one can compare male strippers and female strippers.

Actually I think it’s the complete opposite.

If my DH goes to a strip club I wouldn’t be jealous or upset because the women don’t often have sex with the men they perform for.

But when women go to see male strippers there is a lot more chance that they will have sex as male strippers are known for that. And so I can see why a DH would be jealous or upset if his wife went to see male strippers.

I personally think both are fine and wouldn’t be with a man who didn’t let me join in with my friends hen night because there was a stripper there.

But everyone is different and it’s fine if you don’t agree and your relationship would end because of it.

youtwoandme · 08/03/2023 16:52

I'd get it put on a MASSIVE canvas. Hang it in the living room. Ask my mother to look after the baby and book myself into a very expensive long weekend at a local Spa... or an expensive hotel with room service and take the baby...

He probably uses the photo for a wank

SirWalterElliot · 08/03/2023 16:57

I'm in my 30s and it seems to be very common among people I know. Not every single stag but it's certainly not uncommon. And actually I'm not sure this is a brand new phenomenon. With respect, would your nephews tell you every detail of what they got up to on their stag dos?

SirWalterElliot · 08/03/2023 16:58

Sorry that was a reply to @mydogisthebest

Sshiamreading · 08/03/2023 17:19

Alstothemarvshien · 08/03/2023 10:12

You don't have the right to tell another person if they're 'over reacting' @WilsonMilson . Walk a mile in their shoes before you even begin to think about saying such a thing!

Exactly, and they seem to have missed the point that OP did “get over it” but then she has now discovered he kept this photo and it’s likely something he looks at a lot which doesn’t bear thinking about why he would want to be looking at this repeatedly.

Shade17 · 08/03/2023 17:20

mydogisthebest · 08/03/2023 15:27

Well we obviously know very different types of men! Why on earth would anyone go to a strip club just for a drink?

Why would any decent man go to one?

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Read my post properly. I can’t imagine anyone going just for a drink but if you’re part of a group then some people will just have a drink. I’ve never done anything more in a strip club than drink and watch the stag get humiliated on stage. Private dances etc are for the more hardcore!

Hellybelly84 · 08/03/2023 17:30

bellswithwhistles · 08/03/2023 16:38

Thank christ there is one sensible person on this thread.

Show quote history

Also agree…I think some people actually enjoy telling people to end their relationship. They must be sat at home so bitter at others being married. As someone has said above, the most it needs is a quick chat about not being happy with strip clubs for future stag do’s.

aSofaNearYou · 08/03/2023 17:32

Also agree…I think some people actually enjoy telling people to end their relationship. They must be sat at home so bitter at others being married. As someone has said above, the most it needs is a quick chat about not being happy with strip clubs for future stag do’s.

And some people enjoy telling people to minimise their feelings. That's the most it needs IF that reflects how bothered you are about your partner visiting strip clubs. You don't get to dictate that any more than people on the other side of the fence do.

mydogisthebest · 08/03/2023 17:35

SirWalterElliot · 08/03/2023 16:57

I'm in my 30s and it seems to be very common among people I know. Not every single stag but it's certainly not uncommon. And actually I'm not sure this is a brand new phenomenon. With respect, would your nephews tell you every detail of what they got up to on their stag dos?

Well my nephews posted lots of photos of their stags and there was no sign of a strip club or strippers. Plus I just feel that they are just not that type of man. Their now wives I am sure would never approve either. I am pretty close to them and I know they have (what some would call) fairly old fashioned views

mydogisthebest · 08/03/2023 17:36

Sassyfox · 08/03/2023 16:45

How, in 2023, are we still thinking one can compare male strippers and female strippers.

Actually I think it’s the complete opposite.

If my DH goes to a strip club I wouldn’t be jealous or upset because the women don’t often have sex with the men they perform for.

But when women go to see male strippers there is a lot more chance that they will have sex as male strippers are known for that. And so I can see why a DH would be jealous or upset if his wife went to see male strippers.

I personally think both are fine and wouldn’t be with a man who didn’t let me join in with my friends hen night because there was a stripper there.

But everyone is different and it’s fine if you don’t agree and your relationship would end because of it.

I wouldn't want to be friends with women who think a stripper is fine on a hen night

Hellybelly84 · 08/03/2023 17:39

aSofaNearYou · 08/03/2023 17:32

Also agree…I think some people actually enjoy telling people to end their relationship. They must be sat at home so bitter at others being married. As someone has said above, the most it needs is a quick chat about not being happy with strip clubs for future stag do’s.

And some people enjoy telling people to minimise their feelings. That's the most it needs IF that reflects how bothered you are about your partner visiting strip clubs. You don't get to dictate that any more than people on the other side of the fence do.

True but telling a Mum 8 weeks after giving birth to leave her Husband is extremely irresponsible (as some have done on here). I remember 8 weeks after giving birth, being totally exhausted, sleep deprived and emotional and im sure I cried at anything. As ive said, best to have a conversation and let him know for the future she doesn’t like it. Not worth throwing your marriage away over something MOST men have done on a stag do (and no doubt they singled him out to be the most humiliated).

Twinsmummy1812 · 08/03/2023 17:42

I’m going to see Magic Mike Live. Should my husband divorce me now?

LikeTearsInRain · 08/03/2023 17:48

One off stag do, with alcohol, peer pressure and maybe even other substances. Long time ago. Move on.

Hellybelly84 · 08/03/2023 17:49

Twinsmummy1812 · 08/03/2023 17:42

I’m going to see Magic Mike Live. Should my husband divorce me now?

Yes according to some people on here. Or seek Couples Counselling in a neutral space? (yes someone did actually write that)😂😂😂

Enjoy 😉

Greenpin · 08/03/2023 18:00

Don't let people on this thread rile you up and fuel your understandable hurt. You say you have a good marriage. Remember that.

Kitchenette · 08/03/2023 18:14

Greenpin · 08/03/2023 18:00

Don't let people on this thread rile you up and fuel your understandable hurt. You say you have a good marriage. Remember that.

I’m hoping OP left the thread long ago. I don’t think the discussion is really about her situation any more.

SaveMeFromMyBoobs · 08/03/2023 18:15

@Quandary45 when you say picture, are you talking private dance or they dragged him on stage because he's a stag? While not great, it happens, and women do it too on hens.

If the second, I wonder how many women talking about how its a deal breaker and they'd leave instantly have also enjoyed Magic Mike where pulling people on stage and gyrating all over them is literally part of their show.

DesdamonasHandkerchief · 08/03/2023 18:18

LikeTearsInRain · 08/03/2023 17:48

One off stag do, with alcohol, peer pressure and maybe even other substances. Long time ago. Move on.

Agreed!
Some people on this forum are just desperate for others to get divorced for some reason.

Original poster

Quandary45 · 08/03/2023 18:31

@Kitchenette I haven't left, just been reading through all the comments.

@SaveMeFromMyBoobs Definitely the second, and the photo was a silly souvenir in the style you would get from a ride at a theme park or kids meeting their favourite characters at Disney. Totally crass, but that is strip clubs I guess.

I appreciate everyone's views, although I disagree with quite a few.

Obviously visiting the strip club and having the dance on stage is not a deal-breaker for me, or we would have split up ages ago.

Seeing the photo was just shocking and we need to have a talk about why he kept it. He explained that he had forgotten all about it and it was hidden in a box until this week. He didn't actually intend to hide it from me - he wanted to get rid of it, forgot and then moved it out of the way when he was working. He's lazy at worst for that (I am too - so also not a deal-breaker).

I don't like his Best Man, but they were friends long before I came around. I don't believe in policing friends or stopping him seeing anyone, and would expect the same treatment from him. The story there was that he was told not to say anything to me, presumably so BM could "surprise" me at the wedding, which is awful. I didn't think of it at the time - and DH was surprised/embarrassed too.

OP posts:

Aussiegirl88 · 08/03/2023 19:18

It's Strippers, Not escorts!!!!

They are paid to do it, they have 0 interest im your man. Jesus that's like gping on to date someone and you find pictures of them and their ex years later on an old Facebook album, it's pathetic that so many women are insecure over strippers, naked women dancing! It was HIS Stag do ffs!

Seriously have a think about it, a long hard think. There's people here suggesting divorce over STRIPPERS on a bucks show! my mind is absolutely blown reading these comments No wonder wives are referred to as "ball and chain"