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Original poster

Devastated - found pic of DH at strip club

448 replies

Quandary45 · 08/03/2023 09:37

What would you do?

I knew that my husband had visited a strip club and had a lap dance during his stag do. I found out via the Best Man's speech so not brilliant, but got over it even though I hate them in general.

This morning I've found a picture/postcard from the club with my husband, topless and trousers down with two naked women all over him. I feel disgusted and sick to my stomach. Am trying to hold it together as at home alone with our 8 week old DD.

I have no idea why he would keep such a thing. I found it in drawers we both use so he's been stupid enough not to hide it very well.

Am devastated.

OP posts:
honeypancake · 08/03/2023 14:58

Why don't you talk to him about this first? It could be nothing. Men can be oblivious to lots of such things. Like someone said: look at men's WhatsApp chats. The way he responds will tell you how to proceed. For what it's worth, he will be truly sorry and trash the photo right away. Too early for divorce comments if everything else is good in your marriage

Hellybelly84 · 08/03/2023 14:59

letthemalldoone · 08/03/2023 14:48

Would you not be mortified to have scantily clad men crawling over you and your mates laughing? (personally I would be out the door but then again none of my friends or family would do that to me).

@mydogisthebest be careful up there with your high morals - it's a long way to crash down....

Show quote history

And it literally used to be standard at most Hen Do’s (im glad its more spa days now!). Two of my friends had them for their 18th too (with parents there watching!)🙈 I dont think its done as much these days, but strippers (male or female) we’re the norm at Hen/Stag Do’s not long ago.

StrawberryAnnie · 08/03/2023 15:00

I’m so sorry OP. That would give me the ‘ick’ big time.

I know some people don’t mind the idea of their partners to going to strip clubs on stag do’s, but I would be appalled if my partner did that.

You say you minimised your feelings when you found out at the wedding what happened at the stag do.

Couples counselling could be worth considering. You could process and discuss how you feel about it in a neutral space.

BeachBlondey · 08/03/2023 15:01

Ofcourse its naff, tacky and cheesy but I wouldn’t walk out of a friends Hen Do because of it. I’d have a few drinks and probably take a few silly photos with the male stripper with my friends. Thats probably the case here and people are calling for instant divorce!

I agree with you. However, would you lie on the stage with your trousers down, whilst two naked men rubbed all over you?

Tamrastarr · 08/03/2023 15:07

@Quitelikeit - Agreed. I honestly think that people do not know how they will react to a situation unless it happens to them. So many are so quick to say "leave!" for the slightest thing. Does no one talk anymore and try to come to some understanding? And as many have said, is it any different to a hen party going to a male strip club?

Hellybelly84 · 08/03/2023 15:08

BeachBlondey · 08/03/2023 15:01

Ofcourse its naff, tacky and cheesy but I wouldn’t walk out of a friends Hen Do because of it. I’d have a few drinks and probably take a few silly photos with the male stripper with my friends. Thats probably the case here and people are calling for instant divorce!

I agree with you. However, would you lie on the stage with your trousers down, whilst two naked men rubbed all over you?

Probably not as im too much of a prude (or thought I was-maybe not actually reading some of the replies!). Some of my friends would as a laugh on a Hen Do. I’d be at the back watching from afar with no chance of getting picked 😀

TicketBoo23 · 08/03/2023 15:19

im looking forward to visiting the red light district at some point too. My friend took her Mum in her 70’s last year 😀 And millions of tourists visit every year.

Sado tourism of other women's exploitation. Of experiences that leave them with PTSD.

Never saw that documentary exposing just how ineffective the laws there are at protecting the prostitute from all the typical issues with the sex industry.

How convenient.

StrawberryAnnie · 08/03/2023 15:23

Hellybelly84 · 08/03/2023 15:08

Probably not as im too much of a prude (or thought I was-maybe not actually reading some of the replies!). Some of my friends would as a laugh on a Hen Do. I’d be at the back watching from afar with no chance of getting picked 😀

Show quote history

Although it might appear to be the same on the surface- male and female stripping aren’t really comparable.

Male strippers are not the same as women who work or are coerced to work in the sex industry.

As previous posters have said, these strip clubs are run by gangs and female strippers are often victims of trafficking and exploitation, they can be forced into prostitution etc.

It’s really not the same as a man wearing a novelty thong and having oil rubbed on his torso for a laugh.

mydogisthebest · 08/03/2023 15:27

Shade17 · 08/03/2023 14:53

I don’t know many men that have never been to a strip club, even just for a drink while the more “enthusiastic” members of the group get up to whatever. I will say for certain that not every man who goes into a strip club as part of a group pays for private dances.

Show quote history

Well we obviously know very different types of men! Why on earth would anyone go to a strip club just for a drink?

Why would any decent man go to one?

mydogisthebest · 08/03/2023 15:30

letthemalldoone · 08/03/2023 14:48

Would you not be mortified to have scantily clad men crawling over you and your mates laughing? (personally I would be out the door but then again none of my friends or family would do that to me).

@mydogisthebest be careful up there with your high morals - it's a long way to crash down....

Show quote history

Nothing to be ashamed of having morals. Not sure why or where you think I may be crashing down to but I can assure you I won't be.

Having low or no morals is nothing to be proud of

mydogisthebest · 08/03/2023 15:33

Hellybelly84 · 08/03/2023 14:55

I know for certain mine has because he told me (hes as far from sleazy as you can get) and im looking forward to visiting the red light district at some point too. My friend took her Mum in her 70’s last year 😀 And millions of tourists visit every year.

Show quote history

My how classy to take your mum to the red light district - NOT.

Millions may visit every year but it doesn't make it right. It is an utterly depressing place

Zebedee999 · 08/03/2023 15:34

WedonttalkaboutMaureen · 08/03/2023 12:48

You're soooooo cooooooll, wow, here have some slow claps Hmm

Show quote history

No not cool, as I said just surprised my red line is in a different place to most peoples.

There is really no need to be sarcastic and act like a 2 year old.

Eyerollcentral · 08/03/2023 15:37

Quandary45 · 08/03/2023 12:52

Can I not be upset and still love someone?

A serious discussion will be had later - unfortunately I minimised how I felt about the speech at the time and that's on me.

Show quote history

OP generally I wouldn’t get upset about this kind of thing in the abstract but at 8 weeks post partum suddenly finding a pic of something you’d put out of your mind I too would feel really hurt by it’s existence. Good for you for confronting him with it and tbf to him he has to be credited for his straightforward response. I hope you get it cleared up this evening and he comes home with a little something nice and thoughtful to say I am really sorry.

TicketBoo23 · 08/03/2023 15:46

I feel that having had your wedding reception, and now your experience of your baby's early babyhood, tainted by your h's decision making and dishonesty; you may well expect si.ilar in future.

If you can cope with such "shocks" and unpleasantness & hurt feelings in future again,. by all means continue full steam ahead with him as a partner and father. If not, don't. You don't have to leave now or ever but you need to take off the rose tinted glasses and see him for what he is.

I find women being forced to tolerate stuff like this in a relationship sad, but ...

Kitchenette · 08/03/2023 15:51

im looking forward to visiting the red light district at some point too. My friend took her Mum in her 70’s last year 😀 And millions of tourists visit every year.

It's not a zoo.

TicketBoo23 · 08/03/2023 15:52

If also add that his choice of friend and in particular to continue the friendship with his best man (as much as he can at
distance) following the wedding incident, says a lot.

That friend, to have done that (I'm presuming he had a good idea you didn't know and hadn't been told by your DH, probably that you were not ok with the prospect too) is either stupid to an incredible degree or he is an absolute c*nt. It's verging on evil to do something like that to a bride on her wedding day. (It's also shit to his mate, but he entirely brought it on himself so ....). With another type of character in the bride's position, that could have ended up with a walk out and a groom having to continued the reception without the bride or end the entire reception. With another type of character in the bride's position or could have led to confrontations and arguments, and a real Jeremy Kyle situation. It's only because you are too soft and too classy that it didn't. Too classy for him and his mate op.

TicketBoo23 · 08/03/2023 15:55

(And after all that, he still didn't have the sense or he respect to go and find that photo he'd hidden when he came back and dispose of it).

LesserBohemians · 08/03/2023 15:57

Quitelikeit · 08/03/2023 09:53

Be warned there are some very very opinionated feminists on this board who will have a strong opinion on this scenario but you should not see that as a fact it is only their opinion

What, like ‘It’s only on a stag do, and his friends made him do it, so purchasing a woman’s body doesn’t count’ isn’t an ‘opinion’?

The photo would be an irrelevant extra irritation for me, OP. I wouldn’t be married to someone who thought consent could be purchased, and is fine with the objectification of women.

SquaresandStarlings · 08/03/2023 16:03

Hmmm....

Yes it was just a "bit of a laugh" but I have to agree with PPs that he must be a certain type of guy with a certain attitude to women if he comfortably went along with this and kept a photo souvenir.

My DH has a high sex drive but his stag do was a bike ride, pub and club, and over the years he's declined any stag do involving strip or lap dance clubs as they're just not his thing. Most of his friends are the same.

MsJD · 08/03/2023 16:04

I agree with you. However, would you lie on the stage with your trousers down, whilst two naked men rubbed all over you?

Not arf. 😂

Youdoyoubabe · 08/03/2023 16:06

Ugh. And yet. It was just a stag do. I would try to get over this and move on if I was you unless there are other issues.

HaveTheDayOff · 08/03/2023 16:06

would you lie on the stage with your trousers down, whilst two naked men rubbed all over you?

No! But if you give me the name of the cub I’d give it a go Wink

Bookworm20 · 08/03/2023 16:14

BubziOwl · 08/03/2023 13:08

I have to be honest, if I was made to endure the humiliation of my husband's best man announcing to my friends and family at my own wedding that my husband had not only been to a strip club but had also got a private dance, I'd be annulling that marriage quicker than you can say Jack Robinson. I would quite literally have left the reception and began proceedings there and then.

The best man showed you there and then that he didn't respect you. Imo, if a man lets his friends disrespect his partner then he doesn't respect his partner either.

This 100 times over.

I cannot imagine, on my wedding day, finding out my 'D'H had basically cheated on me on days/weeks before. And was fine with it being joked about by his best man on ewhat shouod be the happiest day of both our lives. And I'd conside what he did as cheating. And I bet what you were told about it all was only the tip of the iceberg.

I honestly could not stay married to a man who thought the best way to celebrate finding a loving and respectful partner to spend the rest of his life with is to go out and pay for half naked (possibly trafficked) women to rub themselves all over him. I mean nothing says I love and respect my wife more than that, does it?
I could never look at him the same way again.

And I don't honestly get the acceptance that this kind of thing on stag do's is accepted because its 'tradition' and harmless fun. Let the men have their fun. only its not harmless is it? OP is hurting like crazy because of his shitty choice of 'fun'. What kind of sick twisted mind thinks that is harmless, when it has the potential to totally crush the person you supposedly love more than anything in the worlds?

OP, I hope you can work it out, I really do. I hope he realises the full extent of what he has and is and will continue to put you through. And moves fucking mountains to put it right. And first on the list would be getting rid of his shitty excuse of a friend best man.

Versailles2023 · 08/03/2023 16:18

It’s not the sort of behavior that I would accept in a husband or father of my children however, I wouldn’t judge others who would accept it. My issue would be the secrecy of it all and how he hid it from you and then kept the seedy pictures of it. I worked in sexual health in the 1980’s and 9 times out of 10 it was the husbands going to strip clubs and engaging in extras that caught and passed STI’s onto their wives. I personally would not be able to trust him ever again or feel like him or his friends are good role model for my daughter to be around. I would certainly be going for a full STI check myself. For me the marriage would be over in my heart and it would just eat away at me. If he had told me upfront and showed me the pictures maybe I could work through it but the secrecy and loss of trust is something I could not live with.

Squiblet · 08/03/2023 16:18

Ticketboo23: I find women being forced to tolerate stuff like this in a relationship sad, but ...

WE KNOW