Page 16 | Devastated - found pic of DH at strip club

Quandary45 · 2023-03-08T09:37:04+00:00

What would you do? I knew that my husband had visited a strip club and had a lap dance during his stag do. I found out via the Best Man's speech so not brilliant, but got over it even though I hate them in general. This morning I've found a picture/postcard from the club with my husband, topless and trousers down with two naked women all over him. I feel disgusted and sick to my stomach. Am trying to hold it together as at home alone with our 8 week old DD. I have no idea why he would keep such a thing. I found it in drawers we both use so he's been stupid enough not to hide it very well. Am devastated.

mydogisthebest · 08/03/2023 19:45

Aussiegirl88 · 08/03/2023 19:18

It's Strippers, Not escorts!!!!

They are paid to do it, they have 0 interest im your man. Jesus that's like gping on to date someone and you find pictures of them and their ex years later on an old Facebook album, it's pathetic that so many women are insecure over strippers, naked women dancing! It was HIS Stag do ffs!

Seriously have a think about it, a long hard think. There's people here suggesting divorce over STRIPPERS on a bucks show! my mind is absolutely blown reading these comments No wonder wives are referred to as "ball and chain"

I don't need a long hard think to know how I feel about strippers, strip clubs and the sort of men that visit them.

It's not a matter of being insecure. I am not insecure in the slightest. I know my DH has never been unfaithful nor would be and neither would he be the slightest bit interested in going to a strip club. I know what his opinion is of strippers and strip clubs.

I just don't see why a stag or hen do would involve naked or semi naked bodies. It's just so so tacky and really rather pathetic.

If I were the OP I would have walked out when the supposed best man made his speech. I have some self respect

Aussiegirl123456 · 08/03/2023 19:46

Aussiegirl88 · 08/03/2023 19:18

It's Strippers, Not escorts!!!!

They are paid to do it, they have 0 interest im your man. Jesus that's like gping on to date someone and you find pictures of them and their ex years later on an old Facebook album, it's pathetic that so many women are insecure over strippers, naked women dancing! It was HIS Stag do ffs!

Seriously have a think about it, a long hard think. There's people here suggesting divorce over STRIPPERS on a bucks show! my mind is absolutely blown reading these comments No wonder wives are referred to as "ball and chain"

Oh FFS.

Let me make this easy for you.

Most women don’t care that the man is seeing an attractive woman. Or a naked woman. I means it’s not great, but that’s the minor issue.

Most women care that the man thinks it’s acceptable to purchase a woman’s body for sexual gratification, whether that be looking or touching or having sex with.

It is the power dynamics. That the male sees women as beneath them. Something that can be bought. Women are inferior. They deserve less.

Not only that. Some women do think that having a naked woman dancing in their man’s face and bouncing on their groin is cheating. The men think it isn’t because he’s paid for it. Or it’s a bucks night. If Mandy from accounts got naked and gyrated her vulva in a man’s face in the office, that would be unacceptable, right?

Also, when I was younger I was a stripper. Hell yes, I was interested in a few of the punters. Some were hot. Now I’m older I know I deserve better than a man who thinks it’s acceptable to purchase a women for sexual entertainment.

We all have different views, but just because some women don’t condone strippers and will consider it cheating doesn’t mean they’re wrong or insecure or jealous or a ball and chain, they’re considering the wider impact of this toxic stag culture.

Aussiegirl123456 · 08/03/2023 19:49

Like I asked those cool wives who commented earlier in the thread saying they enjoy it when their husband goes to strippers. I asked if they’re concerned about the misogyny and women being seen as inferior and objects. They said no.
I then asked them if they feel it’s acceptable that there’s a gender pay gap. They didn’t respond 🙃
Was so genuinely curious.

IDontWantToBeAPie · 08/03/2023 19:50

Fidgety31 · 08/03/2023 09:54

It’s no different to women going on Ladies Nights in my opinion, so it wouldn’t bother me . And you already knew he went there on his stag do anyway .

But if it bothers you then I’d just bin the pic so you don’t have to see it again .

Wtf is a Ladies Night? The only ladies night I know of is when it's free entry to a club for women... and they tend to just enjoy a drink not take heir clothes off for naked men to grind on them

CorsicaDreaming · 08/03/2023 20:02

@IDontWantToBeAPie - yup that's what I remember it as too - I clearly led a very sheltered life missed out 🤣

aSofaNearYou · 08/03/2023 20:31

Aussiegirl88 · 08/03/2023 19:18

It's Strippers, Not escorts!!!!

They are paid to do it, they have 0 interest im your man. Jesus that's like gping on to date someone and you find pictures of them and their ex years later on an old Facebook album, it's pathetic that so many women are insecure over strippers, naked women dancing! It was HIS Stag do ffs!

Seriously have a think about it, a long hard think. There's people here suggesting divorce over STRIPPERS on a bucks show! my mind is absolutely blown reading these comments No wonder wives are referred to as "ball and chain"

You could apply that whole logic about them being paid and uninterested to escorts too. But when considering cheating, it wouldn't make any difference to whether I'd consider my DH to have cheated when he shagged somebody else, whether the woman he did it with was personally enjoying it. That wouldn't factor into it.

And knowing that, it's baffling to me why it would be so far beyond your comprehension that having someone else gyrating naked on you would also be crossing the line of acceptably, as well as actually shagging someone. It's a very intimate act, more so I would say than kissing, which nobody would think it ridiculous to not be ok with.

I find the idea that feeling that's crossed a line in terms of a monogamous relationship makes you insecure (which in this case does not make sense at all) or a ball and chain, absolutely ludicrous.

BoredOfThisMansWorld · 08/03/2023 21:08

Aussiegirl123456 · 08/03/2023 19:49

Like I asked those cool wives who commented earlier in the thread saying they enjoy it when their husband goes to strippers. I asked if they’re concerned about the misogyny and women being seen as inferior and objects. They said no.
I then asked them if they feel it’s acceptable that there’s a gender pay gap. They didn’t respond 🙃
Was so genuinely curious.

It's probably seen as kink shaming to object to the gender pay gap. There will definitely be men out there turned on by earning more than the women they want to shag.

Original poster

Quandary45 · 08/03/2023 21:46

Thanks again for all your messages.

We had a chat and he was really apologetic. Explained that the photo was part of the "experience" and he doesn't think of it as sexual at all - said it was humiliating and embarrassing. Essentially he was on stage with two other stags and they put ice cubes down his trousers and hit him with his belt. Doesn't sound very appealing, though I suppose some people enjoy that!

He also apologised again for not telling me before the wedding and how it all came out after I said I really wasn't happy with it again.

The photo was destroyed (by him) and binned.

I'm now choosing to move on from this and I believe it won't happen again.

He also brought me and DD a gift each home, and he's taken her for cuddles to give me a break.

OP posts:

aSofaNearYou · 08/03/2023 21:47

Sounds like a god chat OP, I'm glad you're feeling better about it. I do hope he wouldn't do it again!

Aussiegirl123456 · 08/03/2023 23:51

I’m glad you’re feeling better about things OP.
In all honesty your DH sounds like he’s genuinely sorry and the likelihood is he didn’t even know about what the stag would entail, and keeping the pic could have been an oversight. It happens. His only crime really is having a cunt of a best man, who thankfully isn’t really in your life anymore. Enjoy your family x

hctincs · 09/03/2023 00:23

I'm divorced and the biggest advocate ever for leaving a terrible husband and living your best single life, but FFS don't divorce your husband over this.

It's gross and derogatory but a strip club on a stag do isn't divorce material (assuming there are no other issues).

hctincs · 09/03/2023 00:25

Movinghouseatlast · 08/03/2023 10:57

The most shocking part of this is actually the best man revealing this in his speech. It's the absolute ultimate in 'keep the little lady down'. You had no choice but to sit there and accept it.

What did your husband say to you at the wedding? What did he think of his best man's behaviour? The answers to those questions tell you who your husband is.

Agree! What a dick. I'd be more annoyed that your husband didn't at least have stern words with his best man after that!

hctincs · 09/03/2023 00:27

maybeinanoter86 · 08/03/2023 11:18

For the person who said that it's the same as a women going to see strippers . It's not at all . Women are not sleazy like men . Women don't get off on it sexually where as men do . They are gross . Also I have seen my ex's what's app chats with men , married men from work and I actually left him because of it . Disgusting. Op I would leave him over this . We all have limits and this would be mine

This is a massive generalisation.

MMadness · 09/03/2023 00:39

Is it likely a mate bought it over? That he hadn't kept it and someone passed it onto him?

TicketBoo23 · 09/03/2023 00:43

hctincs · 09/03/2023 00:25

Agree! What a dick. I'd be more annoyed that your husband didn't at least have stern words with his best man after that!

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The story there was that he was told not to say anything to me, presumably so BM could "surprise" me at the wedding, which is awful

MachineBee · 09/03/2023 08:24

This ‘The story there was that he was told not to say anything to me, presumably so BM could "surprise" me at the wedding, which is awful’ was probably seen by the ‘Best’ Man as his final opportunity to put you down. He realised that his friend’s future loyalty would be to his wife from then on and it was the equivalent of kicking his football over the fence.

perfectcolourfound · 09/03/2023 08:43

Hi @Quandary45 It's good that you've had some sort of resolution, but I implore you to be aware of some warning signs:

His friends may have 'surprised' him with the strip club but they must have assumed he'd enjoy it, and he could have refused to go in, so he went because he wanted to. The fact he didn't immediately bin the photo suggests he wanted to remember the occasion, and certainly wasn't disgusted by it.

He could have told you afterwards but chose not to. Trust is at the centre of any good relationship. His willingness to withhold something would worry me - how do you know he hasn't withheld other information?

They say you can judge a person by their friends. His best man's actions were disgusting and aimed at humiliating him and upsetting you on your wedding day. I'm shocked he still considered him a friend after that.

BoredOfThisMansWorld · 09/03/2023 09:01

hctincs · 09/03/2023 00:27

This is a massive generalisation.

Show quote history

Yep.

Women can be sleazy. Women can cheat. Women can get aroused watching a stripper.

What women CAN'T do is rape men with their dicks, physically overpower most men, partake in a system of oppression which keeps men subservient to women in a myriad of different ways (because that system simply doesn't exist).

TeapotCollection · 09/03/2023 09:21

I know you said he doesn’t see him very often but your DH needs to bin that ‘best’ man. Seriously, who does that to to someone on their wedding day?! Tosser!

LadyEloise1 · 09/03/2023 09:33

TeapotCollection · 09/03/2023 09:21

I know you said he doesn’t see him very often but your DH needs to bin that ‘best’ man. Seriously, who does that to to someone on their wedding day?! Tosser!

I agree.
You know the old saying "If you lie down with dogs, you get fleas"

No offence to dogs. I love them.

Ourladycheesusedatum · 09/03/2023 10:13

When men go on stag do’s to Eastern Europe, do people think they are going for some sightseeing

Amazingly I think the women in eastern Europe are worth the same as women in the UK, Australia, China, wherever. Is stripping a job you would love to do? Would you be ok with your mother, daughter, sister doing it as a career?

TicketBoo23 · 09/03/2023 10:29

MachineBee · 09/03/2023 08:24

This ‘The story there was that he was told not to say anything to me, presumably so BM could "surprise" me at the wedding, which is awful’ was probably seen by the ‘Best’ Man as his final opportunity to put you down. He realised that his friend’s future loyalty would be to his wife from then on and it was the equivalent of kicking his football over the fence.

It seems like he let BM do it.

He's also still in regular contact with him, and only not in person because BM moved away.

TicketBoo23 · 09/03/2023 10:31

perfectcolourfound · 09/03/2023 08:43

Hi @Quandary45 It's good that you've had some sort of resolution, but I implore you to be aware of some warning signs:

His friends may have 'surprised' him with the strip club but they must have assumed he'd enjoy it, and he could have refused to go in, so he went because he wanted to. The fact he didn't immediately bin the photo suggests he wanted to remember the occasion, and certainly wasn't disgusted by it.

He could have told you afterwards but chose not to. Trust is at the centre of any good relationship. His willingness to withhold something would worry me - how do you know he hasn't withheld other information?

They say you can judge a person by their friends. His best man's actions were disgusting and aimed at humiliating him and upsetting you on your wedding day. I'm shocked he still considered him a friend after that.

This is what several of us have been saying .... Only to be accused of wanting to "enjoy," reading about someones relationship breaking up and that we must be single and jealous.

Who needs men to be misogynist when so many women carry the torch of misogyny so well.

Tuilpmouse · 09/03/2023 12:03

@percypercypercy

I got rid of my first husband for lying over something trivial.

😧 I'm assuming this was the thin end of the wedge... Otherwise, that's some serious "zero-tolerance" shit going on!

Tuilpmouse · 09/03/2023 12:06

OP - I'm not sure how I could cope with finding such a photo either. I'm not sure how I could get past that! The only plausible reason for keeping that is for "wank material", especially as to found it relatively easily (it's not like it was at the bottom of a box that hasn't been opened in years!) and that would disgust me.