Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My DH just said something so awful/insane...

369 replies

EyeEyeBoom · 06/03/2023 22:10

He's depressed as his 93 year old grandad died last month and he says making him think he's going to die himself and its all for nothing

He's not been helping me with housework for years (before death of grandad)

Anyway we werr having a bit of a row and he just said to me

"I used to think you were actually magic. Like really maybe magic. Like it was you and me against "them". Our relationship transcended death. And now you just ask me to do more laundry and clean the bathroom. Practical, boring. And you're unhappy apparently because of these small unimportant things. You're not magic after all. You're just like them all"

This is pretty much word for word

He's unhinged isn't he?

OP posts:
TanyaandGreg · 06/03/2023 22:52

My first thought was that it reminded me of Harry and Meghan, in that I’m sure he described how he thought Meghan was magical, or words to that effect. And whatever you think of them, I think it’s fair to suggest they may not have an entirely healthy relationship.

PigeonPlayingChicken · 06/03/2023 22:53

Bournetilly · 06/03/2023 22:33

Being depressed and grieving is not an excuse to talk/ act like that!
He sounds horrible.

Quite. All the "Oh the poor lamb" posts are sickening. How many women get to check out of family life when their grandparent (whom they never bothered with) dies? Women don't have the luxury of checking out of family life, they have to get on with it so their useless man can mope about on his phone feeling sorry for himself.

OP so he's looking to you to bring "magic" to the relationship. What does he bring exactly?

polkapolkadot · 06/03/2023 22:53

Op this feels more than a lazy DH. It sounds more like a mh episode.

Please speak to someone as soon as you can and make sure you and the DC are safe.

YukoandHiro · 06/03/2023 22:55

He may be suffering badly from depression and grief. That doesn't stop this being an example of weaponised incompetence.
Tell him there's nothing magical to you about a relationship with a man who wants you to play mummy.

momtoboys · 06/03/2023 22:55

Tell him magic is overrated and to do the fecking dishes.

Original poster
EyeEyeBoom · 06/03/2023 22:55

I want to go to bed so badly. Have a big day at work tomorrow but I can hear him upstairs. Gah. Wtf am i going to do?

OP posts:
Ndd135632 · 06/03/2023 22:55

You say you would be better if without him but the kids would be a lot worse. Why?

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 06/03/2023 22:56

So by magic he thought you were immortal. This is going to sound awful and cold hearted but I promise its not intended that way but here goes.
His Grandad was 93. No one could say he hadn't had his life.

Doyoumind · 06/03/2023 22:56

My experience in an abusive relationship and the cynic in me says this is pure manipulation rather than a mental health issue. At any rate, he doesn't sound like he was ever much of a partner and you'd be better off without him.

Idkrealorfake · 06/03/2023 22:56

EyeEyeBoom · 06/03/2023 22:55

I want to go to bed so badly. Have a big day at work tomorrow but I can hear him upstairs. Gah. Wtf am i going to do?

Sorry not understanding this bit. Why can't you go to bed?

Ndd135632 · 06/03/2023 22:57

You want to go to bed but can’t? OP something is seriously wrong. Why do you say the kids would be worse without him ?

mawbroon · 06/03/2023 22:57

Impossible to tell from your post, but I would take this seriously.
I've had psychosis, and by the time I was saying weird stuff out loud, I was really far gone in my head.

Squamata has it spot on with this:

You need to focus on priorities:

are you and the kids safe

does he need urgent help

does he need longer term help

how can you find a way to a happier life

Foronenightonly22 · 06/03/2023 22:58

Sorry I posted earlier before reading your post about bathtime and the look.

I don’t think you and the kids should remain in the same house.

You mention that the kids would be worse off. How? He does not sound like a positive presence in their lives?

Original poster
EyeEyeBoom · 06/03/2023 22:58

@Awwlookatmybabyspider I tried to say this. His grandad died peacefully in his 90s. Its very sad but not unexpected and we are 60 years away from that. That's when he really went mad at me about how cold I am. It's just DH never visited him and has offered no help or phone calls to his own dad (grandads son). So I'm struggling to remain sympathetic to his complete collapse.

OP posts:
WingingItSince1973 · 06/03/2023 22:58

The more I read the more anxious it makes me for you. Xxx

Inkypot · 06/03/2023 22:59

How would your children be much worse off with just you? I think you could surprise yourself if you did leave, it sounds as though it's already you doing the parenting anyway.
Think we are all worrying for you with the bit about you not being able to go to bed?
You say you and the children are safe but this doesn't seem to match up with your feelings.

Verbena17 · 06/03/2023 22:59

EyeEyeBoom · 06/03/2023 22:22

Maybe I'm being harsh about his grandads death. But DH never visited him in his care home. Not once. Never called. Never did anything. And his grandad died at 93 in hid sleep. And now he's lying on the sofa talking about his own mortality and how depressed he is. And I dare talk about such boring things like our kids or the house. And then he came out with some pretty crazy stuff.

Well then, if he didn’t call his grandad all that time he was in the home, he’s not ill I don’t think.
I reckon he’s feeling guilty but being an arse and making you feel bad about asking him to help with house stuff. I think he’s trying to lift his guilt and projecting guilt onto you - or something weird like that.

He might be depressed but being mean to you is unreasonable. Depressed people can be depressed but they don’t have to be unkind.

FrostyFifi · 06/03/2023 23:00

I'm sorry - my previous comment was flippant as I was enraged on your behalf but actually I'm concerned now. Please take care.

HandlesFruit · 06/03/2023 23:00

Why can’t you go to bed, op?

Is your DC in bed now?

You should not have to be afraid in your own home. Your posts are really worrying.

Mom2K · 06/03/2023 23:00

Only read first few comments....

But I'd not be tolerating this. If mental health seems to be the issue (rather than him just being lazy and manipulative to get out of pulling his weight in the relationship) then he would be receiving an ultimatum. See the GP, get help and start implementing changes or relationship over. And mean it. If he's not depressed and just lazy/selfish then it is straight to relationship over.

If he's already been useless for years this can't really be blamed on his grandfather's death. There is also no point in continuing the relationship if he refuses to get help/try to change. I certainly wouldn't be able to tolerate it.

Turnipworkharder · 06/03/2023 23:00

The fact he looked at you with pure hate is rather scary.
Be aware he could be having irrational thoughts.

londonmummy1966 · 06/03/2023 23:01

EyeEyeBoom · 06/03/2023 22:55

I want to go to bed so badly. Have a big day at work tomorrow but I can hear him upstairs. Gah. Wtf am i going to do?

Go upstairs and ask him to vacate the bedroom as the "magic"has gone out of sharing a bed with an entitled manchild who thinks that he doesn't have to pull his weight. SUggest that he reads this whilst he is in the spare room/on the sofa.

www.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic

Original poster
EyeEyeBoom · 06/03/2023 23:01

@mawbroon he talks to himself when I'm not in the room. I hear him sometimes saying random stuff. And yeah I worry that if he's talking about transcending death out loud what does he think in his head?? And he did that look of "you can't possibly understand". I need to get him help. But he seems to hate me so much he won't listen to me. He said he's so lonely in this relationship now he realise how "normal" I am. Hope you're feeling well now

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 06/03/2023 23:02

@EyeEyeBoom

"I would have a happier life if I left him. My kids wouldn't. They would be much worse off"

Why do you think this? He doesn't help you with them, he speaks harshly/cruelly to you, he considers only himself. And please don't say he's a 'good dad', because he isn't. The first mark of a 'good dad' is that he treats his children's mother with respect. All the rest will come naturally if he truly respects her, because out of that respect will automatically come sharing family duties and 'carrying his share of the load'.

And if you're talking 'standard of living', children will be happy with very little as long as they live in a home that is peaceful and free of strife. There are many children who are happier in a small flat with a single parent who is at peace than other children are who are living in mansions with parents who are unhappy or angry.

Summerfun54321 · 06/03/2023 23:02

I agree with others saying this does sound like he is suffering a mental health episode. Talking about death, strange looks, getting exasperated about unusual things... I would call the GP yourself first thing in the morning and say you are worried that your husband is moving into a mental health crisis and go from there. Resisting treatment often sadly goes hand in hand with mental illness.

Long term it doesn't mean you need to stay with him but short term getting him help is the best action for all of you. This issue isnt going to go away by itself.