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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My DH just said something so awful/insane...

369 replies

EyeEyeBoom · 06/03/2023 22:10

He's depressed as his 93 year old grandad died last month and he says making him think he's going to die himself and its all for nothing

He's not been helping me with housework for years (before death of grandad)

Anyway we werr having a bit of a row and he just said to me

"I used to think you were actually magic. Like really maybe magic. Like it was you and me against "them". Our relationship transcended death. And now you just ask me to do more laundry and clean the bathroom. Practical, boring. And you're unhappy apparently because of these small unimportant things. You're not magic after all. You're just like them all"

This is pretty much word for word

He's unhinged isn't he?

OP posts:
QueenCamilla · 06/03/2023 22:28

Manipulative bastard.

The sentiment is very similar to that used by a man who groomed me as a child. I could be "magic" if only I did those things that the cool and magic girls do.
🤮

Original poster
EyeEyeBoom · 06/03/2023 22:28

@Aquamarine1029 I was bathing our kids tonight and he was sitting just outside the bathroom on his phone. And I was being silly splashing our toddlers. And I looked over and he was looking at me through the door and it was a look of hate or disgust. It was a look I'm not sure I've ever seen from him before.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 06/03/2023 22:29

He’s not depressed, he is a lazy and abusive man looking for reasons to discard you.

Give him what he wants. He would be leaving. He is a shit partner and a shit example to his children, as are you if you carry on pussyfooting around that bullshit

ToastofLandon · 06/03/2023 22:30

MySugarBabyLove · 06/03/2023 22:26

I’d be telling him that if he really thinks he’s depressed he either goes to see the GP or he can shut the fuck up.

Too many people claim to be depressed to justify them checking out of normal life and in many instances abusing those around them.

I have sympathy for anyone who is genuinely depressed and wants help to do something about it, but the term is thrown around to readily these days, and then people are expected to just walk on eggshells and put up with whatever treatment because “mental health”.

Absolutely this 🎯 ☝️

Inkypot · 06/03/2023 22:30

Sounds like he is really struggling and desperately needs support for his depression. It is sad and grief won't be helping.
I would avoid the term 'unhinged' because it seems more like he's just genuinely lost. I feel sorry for him.

butterfliedtwo · 06/03/2023 22:30

Spottycarousel · 06/03/2023 22:14

That's kind of sad actually. He sounds disillusioned rather than unhinged. He needs some support maybe from a professional.

This.

He's grieving and probably coming to terms with his own mortality. Not massively surprising given the circumstances.

NastyNiff · 06/03/2023 22:30

blueshoes · 06/03/2023 22:17

This.

He uses depression as an excuse to be useless. Now he wants to make you feel bad about yourself.

Show quote history

Yes I agree

PaigeMatthews · 06/03/2023 22:31

AnyFucker · 06/03/2023 22:29

He’s not depressed, he is a lazy and abusive man looking for reasons to discard you.

Give him what he wants. He would be leaving. He is a shit partner and a shit example to his children, as are you if you carry on pussyfooting around that bullshit

This op. Get him away from you and the children.

YellowAndGreenToBeSeen · 06/03/2023 22:31

Yeah, he’s being an arsehole.

Saying you were magic and it’s was ‘you and me against the world babe’ but now you’re asking him to pull his weight with the domestics, you’ve lost the magic and become boring.

Like I said, an arsehole.

Pheefifofuckthisshit · 06/03/2023 22:31

Hmm. It all sounds rather concerning. And I don't mean that in a way that gives a shit about him if I'm honest. I'm concerned for you.

HedwigIsMyDemon · 06/03/2023 22:31

He sounds like an absolute prince 🙄. So not really grieving at all - just using it as an excuse to be a lazy twat. 🤬

Aquamarine1029 · 06/03/2023 22:32

EyeEyeBoom · 06/03/2023 22:28

@Aquamarine1029 I was bathing our kids tonight and he was sitting just outside the bathroom on his phone. And I was being silly splashing our toddlers. And I looked over and he was looking at me through the door and it was a look of hate or disgust. It was a look I'm not sure I've ever seen from him before.

Like I said, it's contempt, and that is a deal breaker.

ItsNotForYouJen · 06/03/2023 22:32

CallieJones · 06/03/2023 22:28

How dare you ask for help with housework op. You've ruined the magic!

Yep!

Sparkleshine21 · 06/03/2023 22:32

Get far away from this man!

DoesItHaveKosovo · 06/03/2023 22:32

He needs to shape up or ship out. He might be depressed but you can be sad and depressed and also a lazy twat.

Like it was you and me against "them"

this isn’t nice, is it? It’s not romantic. It’s creepy.

Bunce1 · 06/03/2023 22:33

I am torn.

one part of me thinks- I ain’t Mary effing poppins with a snap of the fingers and it’s all tidy! And I feel offended he has said such an outrageous thing.

the other part thinks- is this a manic episode where he is disassociating from reality?

id call the GP myself in the morning for some advice.

Bournetilly · 06/03/2023 22:33

Being depressed and grieving is not an excuse to talk/ act like that!
He sounds horrible.

gamerchick · 06/03/2023 22:33

Owlatnight · 06/03/2023 22:18

Read harry potter and the order of the phoenix and inject some magic into housework. Or find some fun podcasts audio books while you do it

Wut? Hmm

yes he's manipulating you. If he doesn't want to pitch in, he can get his own pad and not do housework as much as he wants.

DoesItHaveKosovo · 06/03/2023 22:34

And now I’ve just seen your latest update @EyeEyeBoom and that’s concerning. Do you feel confident calling him out on this shit?

Mischance · 06/03/2023 22:35

Well - his original expectations of you were crazily unrealistic. And now he has to face reality - washing up needs to be done, people die, toilets need to be cleaned, evil happens. These are the things, both small and large, that we all have to come to terms with, and most of us get real as life goes on.

It must be very hard for you living with all this.

HandlesFruit · 06/03/2023 22:35

EyeEyeBoom · 06/03/2023 22:24

@HandlesFruit his brother is schizophrenic

He really needs to go to the Gp. Paranoid delusions + schizophrenia in the family is concerning.

Original poster
EyeEyeBoom · 06/03/2023 22:35

I actually said "what do you mean us against them"?

And he just sighed very loudly and said "fucking unbelievable" shaking his head.

He said I'm cold and always just "cracking on". I said I've got to look after the kids I can't break down in tears. He said "the best thing you could do for those kids is stop being horrible to me and telling me I'm not good enough by nagging me the whole time and support me"

OP posts:
MySugarBabyLove · 06/03/2023 22:35

OP what are his redeaming qualities?

PhantomOfTheAquarium · 06/03/2023 22:36

Does he think he's in Harry Potter?

butterfliedtwo · 06/03/2023 22:37

EyeEyeBoom · 06/03/2023 22:28

@Aquamarine1029 I was bathing our kids tonight and he was sitting just outside the bathroom on his phone. And I was being silly splashing our toddlers. And I looked over and he was looking at me through the door and it was a look of hate or disgust. It was a look I'm not sure I've ever seen from him before.

That's really concerning though and not about depression or grief. Yikes. You should protect yourself and your children. If that means get away, I hope you do that.

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